I feel like I'm sinking into depression. Yesterday I got into an argument with my mom because I don't agree with how she treats her stepson. I feel that she's pretty much an evil step mother. Her husband is allowed to not have control of his emotions and himself and throw man fits - throwing shit, slamming shit, banging shit around, swearing, and threatening others.... but she expects this ten year old child to understand his emotions and handle himself properly at all times or else be punished and threatened. I don't understand it. Her excuse for her husband is, "That's all he knows Rachael - he's trying!" And I'm like, "Yeah, and this is all your stepson knows too, it's all that's been shown to him. Difference is is that your husband is a GROWN man and your step son is a CHILD." It's fucking bullshit. So yeah, we argued when she was bitching about him to my grandmother. I told her to stop her bitching and HELP him grow or stop her bitching and leave him alone.
Anyways - the other day my bank went into the negative because my account overdrafted by $3 - I got charged $40 in fees. FML. And so - I went to check my cell bill today and because I shifted the day I could pay from the 1st to the 9th then I got a hefty charge fee and now somehow owe them $300 when my normal cell bill is about $120.
On top of all of this Lailah's birthday party is coming up in a couple weeks and I need to pay for the whole thing - ice cream, cake, pizza, and goodie bags. Blah.
And today I got offered to be in a co-op to order Cloth Diapers for discounted prices. If I were to get 30 diapers, 2 wet bags (what dirty diapers go in while outside the house), and 2 wet pails (like laundry bags) then it'd cost me about $150 before shipping charges and paypal fees. But that's a DEAL since I'm spending over $100 a MONTH in diapers atm. Cloth Diapers wouldn't need to be replaced. Just washed. So I'm going to ask my grandmother to borrow the money tomorrow.
My most recent plan for my future was to go to casino dealing school and get a job working at the Texas Hold Em tables at a casino - but I checked all 3 casinos around where I live and none of them are hiring right now for any positions I'd be able to get - even with the schooling. So, that would be pointless to waste money on - the schooling that is. So, that's a failed plan.
My next idea is to get my psych degree but that's at least 4 years in college. And I believe I could get financial aid but I don't really know if it would truly help us live like I would need it to.
I don't even know what to do or where to go from here. Yesterday I just cried - literally, about wishing I could commit suicide. But I can't - because I have to be everything I possibly can for my children. I have to become someone, something. I need to figure something out and succeed - for them. But right now I just can't seem to figure out how.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Nightmare came true.
The past couple days were a nightmare. Honestly - I could have dreamed it and woke up crying. But it was a reality. Early Friday morning around 2am, I think, Noel was feeling hot - I took his temp and got 100.3. So I panicked and rushed him to the closest ER with Justin.
At the hospital they took his temp and he was 103.8. My mind was freaking out. I was so afraid I was going to somehow lose my baby boy. They put him on oxygen because he wasn't breathing well and it was making him breathe fast. Then they contacted Hasbro Children's hospital for him to be transferred there by emergency ambulance. The doctor came in and talked to me about the tests that Hasbro would do on him to check on important infections such as Meningitis. I started crying. He told me that Noel was a fighter though and he was crying while they were looking at him and touching his belly and such - which was a good sign.
The ambulance arrived and I called my mom to come bring Justin to the hospital as I rode in the ambulance. We were told only one of us could ride with him and I broke down crying hard - I couldn't imagine leaving him at that time. I was freaking out.
Inside the ambulance my PTSD from the adoption started haunting me. I was watching Noel on the screen in front of me as the Paramedics worked on him in the back of the truck when all of a sudden Bam, it hit. I started hearing these other 'me's' in my head. My 'inner child' was blaming me, telling me I must have done something wrong, that I didn't deserve to be a mom - everything she was once told about Bennett. Then I shouted at her to SHUT UP. My 'higher self' came along to encourage me but I didn't want to hear from them. I shouted YOU TOO! SHUT UP. BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!!. I couldn't handle all that noise in my head. Then out of nowhere I smelled marijuana in the ambulance. My brain told me that the paramedics were putting marijuana into my system so that the hospital could take my baby. They were tricking me. They didn't care that he was sick and that I was an emotional mess. They wanted to prove me unfit to parent so they could make money off the state for having him taken from me. The marijuana would be in both mine and Noel's system from the ambulance ride and I wouldn't be able to prove that I hadn't smoked and transferred it to him in my breastmilk or from being around him. But I hadn't smoked. I haven't smoked since the beginning of my pregnancy with him.
Suddenly I told myself that I must be hallucinating and that none of it was real - none of what I thought was happening was real. I was paranoid and hallucinating. Once I realized that then the smell faded away. It was awful. I was so afraid of myself and these people trying to help me and Noel.
We stayed that early morning in the hospital, the whole day, the night, up til the next afternoon. He was diagnosed with a bladder infection which had spread to his kidneys. They put him on antibiotics. We're home now. I'm giving him antibiotics every 8 hours - at 8am, 4pm, and 12 midnight. And Tylenol if necessary for a fever - but thankfully his fever has gone down since coming home. I only gave Tylenol once for a fever while being home.
Tomorrow I need to call his pediatrician so that he can schedule to send Noel for a test which will check and make sure that he doesn't have reflux of the urine back up into the kidneys. They want to check for that because it could have possibly been the cause of the infection to begin with. Normally babies - especially boys, don't get bladder infections. So they feel there must be some reason as to how he got it. So we'll check it just to make sure nothing is autotomically wrong with his kidneys.
Now we're home and he seems to be feeling much better. <3 So happy he is. I was so nervous. I can't imagine anything happening to him now without me falling into a billion tiny pieces.
Friday night Liz also texted me:
At the hospital they took his temp and he was 103.8. My mind was freaking out. I was so afraid I was going to somehow lose my baby boy. They put him on oxygen because he wasn't breathing well and it was making him breathe fast. Then they contacted Hasbro Children's hospital for him to be transferred there by emergency ambulance. The doctor came in and talked to me about the tests that Hasbro would do on him to check on important infections such as Meningitis. I started crying. He told me that Noel was a fighter though and he was crying while they were looking at him and touching his belly and such - which was a good sign.The ambulance arrived and I called my mom to come bring Justin to the hospital as I rode in the ambulance. We were told only one of us could ride with him and I broke down crying hard - I couldn't imagine leaving him at that time. I was freaking out.
Inside the ambulance my PTSD from the adoption started haunting me. I was watching Noel on the screen in front of me as the Paramedics worked on him in the back of the truck when all of a sudden Bam, it hit. I started hearing these other 'me's' in my head. My 'inner child' was blaming me, telling me I must have done something wrong, that I didn't deserve to be a mom - everything she was once told about Bennett. Then I shouted at her to SHUT UP. My 'higher self' came along to encourage me but I didn't want to hear from them. I shouted YOU TOO! SHUT UP. BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!!. I couldn't handle all that noise in my head. Then out of nowhere I smelled marijuana in the ambulance. My brain told me that the paramedics were putting marijuana into my system so that the hospital could take my baby. They were tricking me. They didn't care that he was sick and that I was an emotional mess. They wanted to prove me unfit to parent so they could make money off the state for having him taken from me. The marijuana would be in both mine and Noel's system from the ambulance ride and I wouldn't be able to prove that I hadn't smoked and transferred it to him in my breastmilk or from being around him. But I hadn't smoked. I haven't smoked since the beginning of my pregnancy with him.
We stayed that early morning in the hospital, the whole day, the night, up til the next afternoon. He was diagnosed with a bladder infection which had spread to his kidneys. They put him on antibiotics. We're home now. I'm giving him antibiotics every 8 hours - at 8am, 4pm, and 12 midnight. And Tylenol if necessary for a fever - but thankfully his fever has gone down since coming home. I only gave Tylenol once for a fever while being home.Tomorrow I need to call his pediatrician so that he can schedule to send Noel for a test which will check and make sure that he doesn't have reflux of the urine back up into the kidneys. They want to check for that because it could have possibly been the cause of the infection to begin with. Normally babies - especially boys, don't get bladder infections. So they feel there must be some reason as to how he got it. So we'll check it just to make sure nothing is autotomically wrong with his kidneys.
Now we're home and he seems to be feeling much better. <3 So happy he is. I was so nervous. I can't imagine anything happening to him now without me falling into a billion tiny pieces.
Friday night Liz also texted me:
"Hey Rachael! Hope you guys are doing well! I hope you all had an extra special Christmas! We have all loved our warm hats! We have worn them so much already. Thank YOU! How's Lailah doing? I bet she's been a big help and a good big sister! She's so cute! I hope Noel is doing well, too! :) Bennett got a small kick scooter for Christmas from his great grandmother and has become quite the expert riding around the house and park. He also has been putting together lots of puzzles. :) We wish you and your family the best year yet making many wonderful memories! <3"
Thursday, January 16, 2014
I don't know anything anymore
Today I took Noel to the ENT to have his tongue tie looked at. The doctors feels that it's unnecessary to clip atm. He says that since it doesn't affect nursing then it's not a big deal. I asked him about speech delays and he said he believes that tongue ties do not cause speech delays or impediments. He told me he has 2 or 3 sons that are tongue tied and that he had never had them clipped or done anything about them and that they grew up fine with no problems whatsoever.
Facts are:
Facts are:
- Noel has a type 1 tongue tie
- The tie does not affect breastfeeding
- There is a chance he may get speech delayed or a speech impediment
- There is a chance he may not get speech delayed or have a speech impediment
- If he has it clipped now it could heal with no problems
- If he has it clipped now there is a possibility that it re-adheres or doesn't heal right which would require it to be resnipped as a todder anyway
- If it were clipped now it would just be a simple clip
- If he were to have it clipped later as a toddler than it would require anesthesia and stitches
So... I have no idea what path to take here. I don't want to have a procedure done that is unnecessary but at the same time I'd rather have a simple procedure done now rather than a more complicated and dangerous one at a later time. I can't tell the future though. I have no idea what to do.
Although it's completely unrelated I can't help but to keep getting flashbacks to the adoption. My head keeps thinking of it like this:
Choosing to clip it now is like choosing adoption all over again because it's making a solid choice at birth without knowing the future or what could potentially happen. It re-adhereing and needing to be reclipped as a toddler just makes me reimagine the time Bennett's aparents closed my adoption on me for a while before reopening it. Having to relive it over and over.
Choosing to clip it at a later date is like choosing to parent before giving my baby up - which is a more difficult process.
Choosing to not clip it is like choosing to parent and hope that everything works out smoothly with no problems or issues even though there's that high chance that big problems will arise.
Choosing to not clip it and big problems arising is just screaming at me that I made the wrong choice and now my baby needs to suffer because of me and that I don't even deserve to have my baby anyhow.
Yeah, stupid to compare, right? But my head will apparently do anything to make me fear any parenting choices. Life after adoption - just peachy right?
Lately I've been pretty snappy towards Lailah and since I had been - she's now almost faithfully snappy towards me. I don't know what to do to fix this. It's a vicious cycle - going round and round this track and I don't know how to get off or stop it. Back when I was smoking bud I knew what to do and how to handle all my parenting situations - and they worked. Lailah was always really good, well behaved, understanding - all that good stuff. But recently she's been stubborn, greedy, selfish, and fat out rude! She won't even listen to me when I try to help her/calmly explain her homework to her. I don't know what to do. I know this is my fault. I don't know how to fix it.
Part of me wishes I could smoke again. I could really use it. The baby blues/post partum depression I'm facing would simply - fade away. And the stress as a parent would get better as well. And I would be able to be me again.
But I would not be able to get a job and I don't even know if I would trust myself around Noel. I can't turn back to bud. I need to do this on my own. But how? How do I fix this? How can I get my sweet little girl back? I don't even know anymore. I feel like a failure. I'm failing her, I already failed Bennett, and it's only a matter of time before I fail Noel too.
I also texted Liz today:
Now waiting for a response - which hopefully includes some pictures. Or not -whatever. I don't even know if I can deal with this shit right now. Maybe I don't even deserve pictures. Maybe I should just leave their family alone and care for the one I have here. I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore!
I also texted Liz today:
"Hi Liz! :) How are you? I was just thinking about you.Noel finally fits into the outfit you got and I put it on him today. So cute. :) I want to thank you again for the gifts. Thinking of all of us means the world to me. How's Bennett? Did you guys stay up for New Years? I hope you enjoyed your holidays and that this New Year brings great new things and happiness to you all. :) Would love to hear back from you. Give Bennett a kiss for me and let him know he's loved more than he knows. <3"
Now waiting for a response - which hopefully includes some pictures. Or not -whatever. I don't even know if I can deal with this shit right now. Maybe I don't even deserve pictures. Maybe I should just leave their family alone and care for the one I have here. I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore!
Friday, January 10, 2014
A nap?!
Today I got a decent amount accomplished. I woke up at 7. Got Lailah and Noel ready and out the door by 8am. Brought Lailah to school then went to my doctors appt. We talked about counseling options - I'm going to go to a walk in appt with that practice on Monday morning (I think) and we talked about my pain I'm still experiencing from my distended bladder/delivery. It was a good appt, I love my doctor.
After that we stopped at home because we had forgotten the diaper bag - and Justin changed Noel. Then we went to breakfast at my favorite place! Don's lunch.:) yum!
When we finished our meals we went to Walmart - got a couple baby outfits, some diapers, wipes, and yarn for me to start knitting again, oh and some puzzles for Lailah and coloring books.
When we left there I stopped at Guitar Center for Justin. I asked him not to take long because Noel would be hungry real soon and that we still had another store to stop at before picking Lailah up from school. He took forever. I got so angry. By the time he got to the car Noel had started fussing and by the time we started driving he was screaming his head off! I felt so bad and so angry. When we got to Stop and Shop to pick up prescriptions and some other things then Noel was crying so hard that he wouldn't even accept my breast because he was crying so hard he had trouble catching his breath. So I wore him inside the store in my Moby where he fussed but no longer cried his heart out. When we got back inside the car he then allowed me to nurse him. But we couldn't nurse long because we had to leave to pick up Lailah for 2 and we only had 5 mins to get there. He screamed on the way to Lailah's school too. I then put him back in the Moby when we got to Lailah's school and that seemed to calm him - just being close to mommy. So he fell asleep and I was able to put him back into the carseat and get home without anymore screaming and crying. Then he stayed asleep for a bit, enough for me to shower and have my mom watch him.
Then he nursed a bit after the shower and napped again - so Justin and I napped with him! For a good 2/3 hours! It was amazinggg. I felt like it was like 6 hours! Soo happy.
Now we're watching Netflix and I'm nursing.
Oh and yesterday - I taught Lailah to read. :D She read a bunch of words all on her own!
After that we stopped at home because we had forgotten the diaper bag - and Justin changed Noel. Then we went to breakfast at my favorite place! Don's lunch.:) yum!
When we finished our meals we went to Walmart - got a couple baby outfits, some diapers, wipes, and yarn for me to start knitting again, oh and some puzzles for Lailah and coloring books.
When we left there I stopped at Guitar Center for Justin. I asked him not to take long because Noel would be hungry real soon and that we still had another store to stop at before picking Lailah up from school. He took forever. I got so angry. By the time he got to the car Noel had started fussing and by the time we started driving he was screaming his head off! I felt so bad and so angry. When we got to Stop and Shop to pick up prescriptions and some other things then Noel was crying so hard that he wouldn't even accept my breast because he was crying so hard he had trouble catching his breath. So I wore him inside the store in my Moby where he fussed but no longer cried his heart out. When we got back inside the car he then allowed me to nurse him. But we couldn't nurse long because we had to leave to pick up Lailah for 2 and we only had 5 mins to get there. He screamed on the way to Lailah's school too. I then put him back in the Moby when we got to Lailah's school and that seemed to calm him - just being close to mommy. So he fell asleep and I was able to put him back into the carseat and get home without anymore screaming and crying. Then he stayed asleep for a bit, enough for me to shower and have my mom watch him.
Then he nursed a bit after the shower and napped again - so Justin and I napped with him! For a good 2/3 hours! It was amazinggg. I felt like it was like 6 hours! Soo happy.
Now we're watching Netflix and I'm nursing.
Oh and yesterday - I taught Lailah to read. :D She read a bunch of words all on her own!
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Had a better day today
Today wasn't bad at all. Noel slept well last night so I was able to actually get up and function today. A nurse from WIC came by to talk to me and see how I'm doing -mostly emotionally, and answer any questions I had. I felt a little offended that she suggested I try to get on SSI disability for my diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm more than a label that someone stuck on me due to the personality I have. I can be successful in life on my own. Right now I'm struggling, sure. But I'm being the best mother I can be (granted I'm broke) and one day I will be going back to school and I will make something of myself. But right now I'm physically being everything my children need me to be. I care for them, I love them, I teach them, I listen to them, I'm there for them, I know them, I understand them, and overall I help their growth as they help mine. I don't need to be on disability. I am not disabled. I can function fine on my own. I don't need hand outs because of my personality.
An old friend from church came over today. Well, she was more my friends sister. We personally were never friends as she's a few years younger than me and her sister is my age. But she recently had a baby that is only a couple months older than Noel. She donated all of her sons old Newborn clothing to me. I feel so grateful that she did because we didn't have much Newborn. We have a decent amount of 0-3 but Noel doesn't fit in those yet. The Newborn clothing are really helpful. Big thank you to her.
Justin had today off today and he tidied up our room some while I was busy with the nurse appt. He's so great. He's a wonderful man to me and an even more amazing father. He's loving, supportive, and extremely helpful. He even gets up in the middle of the night to help with burps or diaper changes. I don't know how I ever got this lucky - to stumble across this man in life and to have him fall for me.
Later in the day Justin and I took a nap with Noel. I loveeeeee naps LOL. So does Justin. Lailah watched Netflix kid shows as we napped. She's such a good girl. Not just because of that but for many reasons. She's a sweetheart. - She even helps change Noel's diapers lol.
To end the night my mom made dinner. Some new recipe for chicken. It was really good actually. The potatoes are always yummy. And the cabbage wasn't as good as usual - my mom tried a new recipe for that too and it failed. Yuckie. But overall it was a yummy dinner.
Now putting Lailah to bed. Gnight.
An old friend from church came over today. Well, she was more my friends sister. We personally were never friends as she's a few years younger than me and her sister is my age. But she recently had a baby that is only a couple months older than Noel. She donated all of her sons old Newborn clothing to me. I feel so grateful that she did because we didn't have much Newborn. We have a decent amount of 0-3 but Noel doesn't fit in those yet. The Newborn clothing are really helpful. Big thank you to her.
Justin had today off today and he tidied up our room some while I was busy with the nurse appt. He's so great. He's a wonderful man to me and an even more amazing father. He's loving, supportive, and extremely helpful. He even gets up in the middle of the night to help with burps or diaper changes. I don't know how I ever got this lucky - to stumble across this man in life and to have him fall for me.
Later in the day Justin and I took a nap with Noel. I loveeeeee naps LOL. So does Justin. Lailah watched Netflix kid shows as we napped. She's such a good girl. Not just because of that but for many reasons. She's a sweetheart. - She even helps change Noel's diapers lol.
To end the night my mom made dinner. Some new recipe for chicken. It was really good actually. The potatoes are always yummy. And the cabbage wasn't as good as usual - my mom tried a new recipe for that too and it failed. Yuckie. But overall it was a yummy dinner.
Now putting Lailah to bed. Gnight.
Monday, January 6, 2014
People are assholes.
Today has just made me want to break down crying - but I haven't.
First I got up at 7am to take Lailah to school only to realize that Lailah still has headlice - so she couldn't go to school. I was frustrated by it - probably overly frustrated by it because I was extremely overtired, having gotten an extremely little amount of sleep. But then my mom recognized my frustration and she just started shouting at me! As if my silent facial expression of frustration was blaming her! I shouted back even more frustrated that, Obviously I knew it wasn't her fault and that Lailah could be getting the lice from anywhere and that I have a right to be frustrated. She just kept making it about her though. Because everything has to be about her.
Like I previously mentioned, I got a very small amount of sleep. I didn't get much sleep until 8am and finally Noel let me sleep until 12, we nursed, then he let me sleep til almost 2. When I woke up - which I thought I was late for, an appointment. I hurried up, got Noel ready, and then left for the appointment. Got there only to find out that the person who scheduled me gave me the wrong date. -.- So, I didn't even have an appt scheduled for today.
Also note that on the way to my appt my car acted as if it could barely even make it down the street - never mind to anywhere else. -.- fml. Seems like possibly a transition problem? I can't afford a new car. >.<
So then next I get home and I call our health insurance company to switch over Noel's doctor to our Pediatrician. And I forget his fucking birthday. I said "December 15th, 2013." He was born on the 17th. But Bennett was born on the 15th and I'm obviously mentally fucked up with all of this. More than I thought I would be. I tried to remember which date was Noel's and I just couldn't. I drew a severe blank. So the woman on the line goes, "Are you sure that's the correct date? Are you calling for someone else?" I go... "No... no.... He's my son, I just had him a few weeks ago. Hold on." She then goes, "Uh.... okay..." So I quickly make up a different excuse than the truth which is - I placed my first son for adoption 3 years ago, he was born on the 15th and my head is all sorts of fucked up and traumatized by it still. So I say instead, "I'm really tired." She then says, "Maybe you should call back another time." I then just hung up.
Then right after that Scott texted me being his normal Jackass self. Last Monday I told him that I needed a notarized letter from him stating four simple things. One that he is not contesting the divorce since we have not been together in over 3 years. Two that we have a daughter together. Three that he is no longer enrolled in the military and works as a civilian. And four that he knows I had just recently had a baby and that the baby is not his.
He was supposed to send these things last week - because our divorce court date is tomorrow. Well, he never sent it. Today he texted me a texted picture of the letter - but I don't have it on hand. In his letter it says,
Which is not of what I asked from him. He's being a complete asshole attempting to scream at the judge that I'm the bad guy - when all I've done is move on with my life and not sit in pity of his abuse towards Lailah and I. (He abandoned us in another state TWICE - once at an airport with no food or money for the entire day until our flight and the second time at a hotel which he said we needed to be out by the next day and my dad had to rent a car to drive down and get us.) Also, he can't just make up his own child support - the state will do that.
Well, my lawyer is going to ask for a continuance - so we're not even going to use/need the letter. We're just going to have the court date bumped back a few weeks and then he won't show up and things should go my way.
But I'm pretty stressed out and annoyed. I wish I could just have a meltdown. But I just feel I can't. It's not allowed. Gotta suck it all up and move forward. Get over it.
First I got up at 7am to take Lailah to school only to realize that Lailah still has headlice - so she couldn't go to school. I was frustrated by it - probably overly frustrated by it because I was extremely overtired, having gotten an extremely little amount of sleep. But then my mom recognized my frustration and she just started shouting at me! As if my silent facial expression of frustration was blaming her! I shouted back even more frustrated that, Obviously I knew it wasn't her fault and that Lailah could be getting the lice from anywhere and that I have a right to be frustrated. She just kept making it about her though. Because everything has to be about her.
Like I previously mentioned, I got a very small amount of sleep. I didn't get much sleep until 8am and finally Noel let me sleep until 12, we nursed, then he let me sleep til almost 2. When I woke up - which I thought I was late for, an appointment. I hurried up, got Noel ready, and then left for the appointment. Got there only to find out that the person who scheduled me gave me the wrong date. -.- So, I didn't even have an appt scheduled for today.
Also note that on the way to my appt my car acted as if it could barely even make it down the street - never mind to anywhere else. -.- fml. Seems like possibly a transition problem? I can't afford a new car. >.<
So then next I get home and I call our health insurance company to switch over Noel's doctor to our Pediatrician. And I forget his fucking birthday. I said "December 15th, 2013." He was born on the 17th. But Bennett was born on the 15th and I'm obviously mentally fucked up with all of this. More than I thought I would be. I tried to remember which date was Noel's and I just couldn't. I drew a severe blank. So the woman on the line goes, "Are you sure that's the correct date? Are you calling for someone else?" I go... "No... no.... He's my son, I just had him a few weeks ago. Hold on." She then goes, "Uh.... okay..." So I quickly make up a different excuse than the truth which is - I placed my first son for adoption 3 years ago, he was born on the 15th and my head is all sorts of fucked up and traumatized by it still. So I say instead, "I'm really tired." She then says, "Maybe you should call back another time." I then just hung up.
Then right after that Scott texted me being his normal Jackass self. Last Monday I told him that I needed a notarized letter from him stating four simple things. One that he is not contesting the divorce since we have not been together in over 3 years. Two that we have a daughter together. Three that he is no longer enrolled in the military and works as a civilian. And four that he knows I had just recently had a baby and that the baby is not his.
He was supposed to send these things last week - because our divorce court date is tomorrow. Well, he never sent it. Today he texted me a texted picture of the letter - but I don't have it on hand. In his letter it says,
"On this day of January 1st 2014, I, Scott (omit), do not contest to the divorce of Rachael (omit). I know that she has two other children from two different partners.Neither of the two are mine. We have one legitimate child, Lailah Rose (omit). I agree with the current agreement with Rachael (omit) of 300 per month for child support and visitation when I am home."
Which is not of what I asked from him. He's being a complete asshole attempting to scream at the judge that I'm the bad guy - when all I've done is move on with my life and not sit in pity of his abuse towards Lailah and I. (He abandoned us in another state TWICE - once at an airport with no food or money for the entire day until our flight and the second time at a hotel which he said we needed to be out by the next day and my dad had to rent a car to drive down and get us.) Also, he can't just make up his own child support - the state will do that.
Well, my lawyer is going to ask for a continuance - so we're not even going to use/need the letter. We're just going to have the court date bumped back a few weeks and then he won't show up and things should go my way.
But I'm pretty stressed out and annoyed. I wish I could just have a meltdown. But I just feel I can't. It's not allowed. Gotta suck it all up and move forward. Get over it.
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Ok I lied.
So, emotionally I've been a bit cranky I have admitted. And I feel pretty good. I don't feel depressed or suicidal. I have felt bad about my lessened time with Lailah and the energy I had normally placed into her but I know that it's temporary and I'm trying to remain as active with her as I possibly can running on little sleep with a newborn.
But underneath that hard exterior that I show off and try to live as truth is pain, guilt, and sadness. Having Noel here has been amazing. I am head over heals in love with him. I love absolutely everything about him - his soft baby hair, his big blue eyes, his little button nose, with his little fingers and toes, his tiny baby belly and those large chubby cheeks - I'm in love. I rarely leave his side and if I do it's for a very short time and I hate hearing him cry - at all. I love being his happiness, his safety, his contentment, basically his entire world - everything he know and loves. I absolutely adore being his mommy. But with all of that comes the shame of not being there for Bennett back almost 3 years ago. Time has flown but the pain, remorse, and grief still feels very much alive - and barely dimmed since then.
I feel so extremely sad inside that I couldn't be to Bennett what I am to Noel. I feel so much shame knowing that I not only allowed him to be separated from me - everything he ever knew, but that he had no familiarity to comfort him at all. I'm sure Liz did fine.... I mean as fine as anybody can as they care for a baby that truly isn't their own. I feel guilty that Bennett only very briefly had the comfort of being snuggled up close to me - recognizing my scent and heartbeat as I held his body against mine. I feel awful that I even did that to him - that I even held him and then took myself away from him, handed him over to strangers - Collapsing his entire world, I'm sure.
Why did I sign those papers? Why couldn't I have figured something out? Why did I just give up when things got rough? Was it because I was weak? I feel like I was. I gave in.
I want to believe that Bennett being with his aparents is what is and was best for him. That they provided him with everything I couldn't. But at the same time I had plenty to provide him that they couldn't. Only I could have provided him with the love of his actual mother. Only I could have provided him with the scent he came to know and feel safe with. Only I could have provided him with the heartbeat that he already had memorized. Only I could have provided him with the ultimate health and nutrition with my mommy milk. Only I could have provided him with instant comfort by knowing exactly what he needed the moment he needed it without him struggling to let me know - as I'm sure he did with them. Only I truly could have given him everything a baby absolutely needs. Not them. Money can't buy those things. Money can't replace a mommy.
But I let money replace me. I allowed myself to feel that I had nothing to give to him when in reality - I now know - I had the universe to give. And that universe was me.
But underneath that hard exterior that I show off and try to live as truth is pain, guilt, and sadness. Having Noel here has been amazing. I am head over heals in love with him. I love absolutely everything about him - his soft baby hair, his big blue eyes, his little button nose, with his little fingers and toes, his tiny baby belly and those large chubby cheeks - I'm in love. I rarely leave his side and if I do it's for a very short time and I hate hearing him cry - at all. I love being his happiness, his safety, his contentment, basically his entire world - everything he know and loves. I absolutely adore being his mommy. But with all of that comes the shame of not being there for Bennett back almost 3 years ago. Time has flown but the pain, remorse, and grief still feels very much alive - and barely dimmed since then.
I feel so extremely sad inside that I couldn't be to Bennett what I am to Noel. I feel so much shame knowing that I not only allowed him to be separated from me - everything he ever knew, but that he had no familiarity to comfort him at all. I'm sure Liz did fine.... I mean as fine as anybody can as they care for a baby that truly isn't their own. I feel guilty that Bennett only very briefly had the comfort of being snuggled up close to me - recognizing my scent and heartbeat as I held his body against mine. I feel awful that I even did that to him - that I even held him and then took myself away from him, handed him over to strangers - Collapsing his entire world, I'm sure.
Why did I sign those papers? Why couldn't I have figured something out? Why did I just give up when things got rough? Was it because I was weak? I feel like I was. I gave in.
I want to believe that Bennett being with his aparents is what is and was best for him. That they provided him with everything I couldn't. But at the same time I had plenty to provide him that they couldn't. Only I could have provided him with the love of his actual mother. Only I could have provided him with the scent he came to know and feel safe with. Only I could have provided him with the heartbeat that he already had memorized. Only I could have provided him with the ultimate health and nutrition with my mommy milk. Only I could have provided him with instant comfort by knowing exactly what he needed the moment he needed it without him struggling to let me know - as I'm sure he did with them. Only I truly could have given him everything a baby absolutely needs. Not them. Money can't buy those things. Money can't replace a mommy.
But I let money replace me. I allowed myself to feel that I had nothing to give to him when in reality - I now know - I had the universe to give. And that universe was me.
Arcade!
The past couple days have been severely uneventful. I've pretty much lounged in bed in my nursing bra and panties constantly nursing Noel or trying to catch up on some sleep. Having him hasn't been easy on my sleep but completely worth it.
Since I haven't really been doing much of anything and my mom has been helping me out majorly with Lailah - I decided to take Lailah out for a day of fun. I've been feeling really bad about not spending as much time with her as I did before Noel came along. So today we went to breakfast and then went to the arcade at the mall! She had a lot of fun. I'm really happy that she did.
I've been feeling cranky lately. Not depressed. I don't feel suicidal or anything like that - not yet at least, and hopefully I won't. But I have been cranky. I'm going to assume it's the lack of sleep. I get between 2-4 hours of sleep a night and I'm sure it's what's making me feel annoyed by almost every little thing. I just feel snappy. I'm working on it - but in the moment I just seem to not know how else to react. I just feel like everyone is getting on my last nerve. Blah. I need to keep working on self-control and my emotions apparently.
Not much else going on. Lailah starts back at school tomorrow and I'm going to be trying to sleep during the day while Noel sleeps. Possibly catch up on some more.
In regards to my last post - I am sometimes feeling some pain still from the whole bladder ordeal. I worry that my bladder is going to fill back up and cause that immense pain again. Guess only time will tell though..
Well, Until next time readers.
Since I haven't really been doing much of anything and my mom has been helping me out majorly with Lailah - I decided to take Lailah out for a day of fun. I've been feeling really bad about not spending as much time with her as I did before Noel came along. So today we went to breakfast and then went to the arcade at the mall! She had a lot of fun. I'm really happy that she did.
I've been feeling cranky lately. Not depressed. I don't feel suicidal or anything like that - not yet at least, and hopefully I won't. But I have been cranky. I'm going to assume it's the lack of sleep. I get between 2-4 hours of sleep a night and I'm sure it's what's making me feel annoyed by almost every little thing. I just feel snappy. I'm working on it - but in the moment I just seem to not know how else to react. I just feel like everyone is getting on my last nerve. Blah. I need to keep working on self-control and my emotions apparently.
Not much else going on. Lailah starts back at school tomorrow and I'm going to be trying to sleep during the day while Noel sleeps. Possibly catch up on some more.
In regards to my last post - I am sometimes feeling some pain still from the whole bladder ordeal. I worry that my bladder is going to fill back up and cause that immense pain again. Guess only time will tell though..
Well, Until next time readers.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Starting New Years with a bang!
Tuesday was New Years Eve and to start this New Years with a bang my body decided to be ill. I went into the ER with extreme stomach pain and spasming waste outputting organs (gross). Apparently my bladder was distended - three times it's normal size and also had double the normal amount of urine held within it. Awesome. So, needless to say - I was in excruciating pain. I was in the hospital for 3 days straight. I left this morning. Yesterday was the worst. I was in so much pain I couldn't move and it hurt so bad for anyone to even help me move. I had to have a catheter inserted twice. Not fun at all, but thankfully not painful. The injections and blood draws were painful though and sucked. So yeah - awesome New Years story ! No partying or New Years kiss for me.
I had Noel with me the whole time and Justin was with me most of the time. With them there with me I felt better even though I was in a real lot of pain. I had to be put on lot of pain medication though. At first they gave me a medication that was breastfeeding safe x2 but it didn't help at all with pain. They then gave me morphine x2 which they said was safe for breastfeeding but I didn't feel that was so since it really made me not feel right. I feared passing that to Noel. Plus they said that it could make him sleepy which also frightened me. So until the morphine wore off I supplemented with formula. Which made me bawl my eyes out so hard. I felt so guilty for not giving him mommys milk and possibly confusing him and his little tummy. He was crying too - because I was crying. When he heard me attempt to comfort him by loudly SHhhhhhhhhing - he stopped crying and listened. It surprisingly did help him calm down. But when he started getting hungry he cried and cried and I cried and cried cuz I felt bad. And he wouldn't take the formula for Justin. Once Justin laid Noel down next to me so I could attempt to feed him the formula, Noel looked right up at me and calmed down, as if to say, "Oh there you are Mommy, I'm so happy you're okay." <3 My heart felt so comforted just by having him near me again. It's like he knew I needed him and he needed me too.
I had Noel with me the whole time and Justin was with me most of the time. With them there with me I felt better even though I was in a real lot of pain. I had to be put on lot of pain medication though. At first they gave me a medication that was breastfeeding safe x2 but it didn't help at all with pain. They then gave me morphine x2 which they said was safe for breastfeeding but I didn't feel that was so since it really made me not feel right. I feared passing that to Noel. Plus they said that it could make him sleepy which also frightened me. So until the morphine wore off I supplemented with formula. Which made me bawl my eyes out so hard. I felt so guilty for not giving him mommys milk and possibly confusing him and his little tummy. He was crying too - because I was crying. When he heard me attempt to comfort him by loudly SHhhhhhhhhing - he stopped crying and listened. It surprisingly did help him calm down. But when he started getting hungry he cried and cried and I cried and cried cuz I felt bad. And he wouldn't take the formula for Justin. Once Justin laid Noel down next to me so I could attempt to feed him the formula, Noel looked right up at me and calmed down, as if to say, "Oh there you are Mommy, I'm so happy you're okay." <3 My heart felt so comforted just by having him near me again. It's like he knew I needed him and he needed me too.
I'm now home and doing well. My pain is low, although still present. I'm just happy to be home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)