I don't know anything anymore

Today I took Noel to the ENT to have his tongue tie looked at. The doctors feels that it's unnecessary to clip atm. He says that since it doesn't affect nursing then it's not a big deal. I asked him about speech delays and he said he believes that tongue ties do not cause speech delays or impediments. He told me he has 2 or 3 sons that are tongue tied and that he had never had them clipped or done anything about them and that they grew up fine with no problems whatsoever.

Facts are:

• Noel has a type 1 tongue tie
• The tie does not affect breastfeeding
• There is a chance he may get speech delayed or a speech impediment
• There is a chance he may not get speech delayed or have a speech impediment
• If he has it clipped now it could heal with no problems
• If he has it clipped now there is a possibility that it re-adheres or doesn't heal right which would require it to be resnipped as a todder anyway
• If it were clipped now it would just be a simple clip
• If he were to have it clipped later as a toddler than it would require anesthesia and stitches 

So... I have no idea what path to take here. I don't want to have a procedure done that is unnecessary but at the same time I'd rather have a simple procedure done now rather than a more complicated and dangerous one at a later time. I can't tell the future though. I have no idea what to do. 

Although it's completely unrelated I can't help but to keep getting flashbacks to the adoption. My head keeps thinking of it like this:

Choosing to clip it now is like choosing adoption all over again because it's making a solid choice at birth without knowing the future or what could potentially happen. It re-adhereing and needing to be reclipped as a toddler just makes me reimagine the time Bennett's aparents closed my adoption on me for a while before reopening it. Having to relive it over and over.

Choosing to clip it at a later date is like choosing to parent before giving my baby up - which is a more difficult process.

Choosing to not clip it is like choosing to parent and hope that everything works out smoothly with no problems or issues even though there's that high chance that big problems will arise.

Choosing to not clip it and big problems arising is just screaming at me that I made the wrong choice and now my baby needs to suffer because of me and that I don't even deserve to have my baby anyhow. 

Yeah, stupid to compare, right? But my head will apparently do anything to make me fear any parenting choices. Life after adoption - just peachy right? 

Lately I've been pretty snappy towards Lailah and since I had been - she's now almost faithfully snappy towards me. I don't know what to do to fix this. It's a vicious cycle - going round and round this track and I don't know how to get off or stop it. Back when I was smoking bud I knew what to do and how to handle all my parenting situations - and they worked. Lailah was always really good, well behaved, understanding - all that good stuff. But recently she's been stubborn, greedy, selfish, and fat out rude! She won't even listen to me when I try to help her/calmly explain her homework to her. I don't know what to do. I know this is my fault. I don't know how to fix it. 

Part of me wishes I could smoke again. I could really use it. The baby blues/post partum depression I'm facing would simply - fade away. And the stress as a parent would get better as well. And I would be able to be me again.

But I would not be able to get a job and I don't even know if I would trust myself around Noel. I can't turn back to bud. I need to do this on my own. But how? How do I fix this? How can I get my sweet little girl back? I don't even know anymore. I feel like a failure. I'm failing her, I already failed Bennett, and it's only a matter of time before I fail Noel too.


I also texted Liz today:

"Hi Liz! :) How are you? I was just thinking about you.Noel finally fits into the outfit you got and I put it on him today. So cute. :) I want to thank you again for the gifts. Thinking of all of us means the world to me. How's Bennett? Did you guys stay up for New Years? I hope you enjoyed your holidays and that this New Year brings great new things and happiness to you all. :)  Would love to hear back from you. Give Bennett a kiss for me and let him know he's loved more than he knows. <3"

Now waiting for a response - which hopefully includes some pictures. Or not -whatever. I don't even know if I can deal with this shit right now. Maybe I don't even deserve pictures. Maybe I should just leave their family alone and care for the one I have here. I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore!