So, emotionally I've been a bit cranky I have admitted. And I feel pretty good. I don't feel depressed or suicidal. I have felt bad about my lessened time with Lailah and the energy I had normally placed into her but I know that it's temporary and I'm trying to remain as active with her as I possibly can running on little sleep with a newborn.
But underneath that hard exterior that I show off and try to live as truth is pain, guilt, and sadness. Having Noel here has been amazing. I am head over heals in love with him. I love absolutely everything about him - his soft baby hair, his big blue eyes, his little button nose, with his little fingers and toes, his tiny baby belly and those large chubby cheeks - I'm in love. I rarely leave his side and if I do it's for a very short time and I hate hearing him cry - at all. I love being his happiness, his safety, his contentment, basically his entire world - everything he know and loves. I absolutely adore being his mommy. But with all of that comes the shame of not being there for Bennett back almost 3 years ago. Time has flown but the pain, remorse, and grief still feels very much alive - and barely dimmed since then.
I feel so extremely sad inside that I couldn't be to Bennett what I am to Noel. I feel so much shame knowing that I not only allowed him to be separated from me - everything he ever knew, but that he had no familiarity to comfort him at all. I'm sure Liz did fine.... I mean as fine as anybody can as they care for a baby that truly isn't their own. I feel guilty that Bennett only very briefly had the comfort of being snuggled up close to me - recognizing my scent and heartbeat as I held his body against mine. I feel awful that I even did that to him - that I even held him and then took myself away from him, handed him over to strangers - Collapsing his entire world, I'm sure.
Why did I sign those papers? Why couldn't I have figured something out? Why did I just give up when things got rough? Was it because I was weak? I feel like I was. I gave in.
I want to believe that Bennett being with his aparents is what is and was best for him. That they provided him with everything I couldn't. But at the same time I had plenty to provide him that they couldn't. Only I could have provided him with the love of his actual mother. Only I could have provided him with the scent he came to know and feel safe with. Only I could have provided him with the heartbeat that he already had memorized. Only I could have provided him with the ultimate health and nutrition with my mommy milk. Only I could have provided him with instant comfort by knowing exactly what he needed the moment he needed it without him struggling to let me know - as I'm sure he did with them. Only I truly could have given him everything a baby absolutely needs. Not them. Money can't buy those things. Money can't replace a mommy.
But I let money replace me. I allowed myself to feel that I had nothing to give to him when in reality - I now know - I had the universe to give. And that universe was me.
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