Nightmare came true.

The past couple days were a nightmare. Honestly - I could have dreamed it and woke up crying. But it was a reality. Early Friday morning around 2am, I think, Noel was feeling hot - I took his temp and got 100.3. So I panicked and rushed him to the closest ER with Justin.
At the hospital they took his temp and he was 103.8. My mind was freaking out. I was so afraid I was going to somehow lose my baby boy. They put him on oxygen because he wasn't breathing well and it was making him breathe fast. Then they contacted Hasbro Children's hospital for him to be transferred there by emergency ambulance. The doctor came in and talked to me about the tests that Hasbro would do on him to check on important infections such as Meningitis. I started crying. He told me that Noel was a fighter though and he was crying while they were looking at him and touching his belly and such - which was a good sign.







The ambulance arrived and I called my mom to come bring Justin to the hospital as I rode in the ambulance. We were told only one of us could ride with him and I broke down crying hard - I couldn't imagine leaving him at that time. I was freaking out.
Inside the ambulance my PTSD from the adoption started haunting me. I was watching Noel on the screen in front of me as the Paramedics worked on him in the back of the truck when all of a sudden Bam, it hit. I started hearing these other 'me's' in my head. My 'inner child' was blaming me, telling me I must have done something wrong, that I didn't deserve to be a mom - everything she was once told about Bennett. Then I shouted at her to SHUT UP. My 'higher self' came along to encourage me but I didn't want to hear from them. I shouted YOU TOO! SHUT UP. BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!!. I couldn't handle all that noise in my head. Then out of nowhere I smelled marijuana in the ambulance. My brain told me that the paramedics were putting marijuana into my system so that the hospital could take my baby. They were tricking me. They didn't care that he was sick and that I was an emotional mess. They wanted to prove me unfit to parent so they could make money off the state for having him taken from me. The marijuana would be in both mine and Noel's system from the ambulance ride and I wouldn't be able to prove that I hadn't smoked and transferred it to him in my breastmilk or from being around him. But I hadn't smoked. I haven't smoked since the beginning of my pregnancy with him.

Suddenly I told myself that I must be hallucinating and that none of it was real - none of what I thought was happening was real. I was paranoid and hallucinating. Once I realized that then the smell faded away. It was awful. I was so afraid of myself and these people trying to help me and Noel.

We stayed that early morning in the hospital, the whole day, the night, up til the next afternoon. He was diagnosed with a bladder infection which had spread to his kidneys. They put him on antibiotics. We're home now. I'm giving him antibiotics every 8 hours - at 8am, 4pm, and 12 midnight. And Tylenol if necessary for a fever - but thankfully his fever has gone down since coming home. I only gave Tylenol once for a fever while being home.
Tomorrow I need to call his pediatrician so that he can schedule to send Noel for a test which will check and make sure that he doesn't have reflux of the urine back up into the kidneys. They want to check for that because it could have possibly been the cause of the infection to begin with. Normally babies - especially boys, don't get bladder infections. So they feel there must be some reason as to how he got it. So we'll check it just to make sure nothing is autotomically wrong with his kidneys.

Now we're home and he seems to be feeling much better. <3 So happy he is. I was so nervous. I can't imagine anything happening to him now without me falling into a billion tiny pieces.








Friday night Liz also texted me:

"Hey Rachael! Hope you guys are doing well! I hope you all had an extra special Christmas! We have all loved our warm hats! We have worn them so much already. Thank YOU! How's Lailah doing? I bet she's been a big help and a good big sister! She's so cute! I hope Noel is doing well, too! :) Bennett got a small kick scooter for Christmas from his great grandmother and has become quite the expert riding around the house and park. He also has been putting together lots of puzzles. :) We wish you and your family the best year yet making many wonderful memories! <3"