Life sentence

I've apparently suffered more from the adoption of my first son than I even let myself know. Inside of me I feel oddly conflicted in a way. I miss him, of course I do. I love him a lot as well. But in my head I guess I've convinced myself that the child that Liz and Nate have - is not mine. Instead I feel like their child is a clone of my baby and my baby died at birth. Which may be fucked up, but it's how I've somehow mentally protected myself.
I'm mentioning all of this though because of what I've had happen since having Noel. First was the nightmares during my pregnancy where TPR papers were hidden in my discharge papers and then I had my baby torn from my arms and wisped away to 'better suited parents'. Then 6 weeks ago when Noel had to go to the hospital for his bladder/kidney infection, I hallucinated that the paramedics in the ambulance were trying to drug me and take my baby away from me.
But the most recent was today. Today I had to go to court for a ticket - my front plate had fallen off and I got an $85 ticket. I brought my sister with me to watch Noel since I couldn't take him into the courtroom with me but I'm his food source. The courthouse was just right upstairs from where my sister and Noel were but I still managed to have multiple anxiety/panic attacks. They were not pleasant at all, let me tell you. I kept thinking about him and if he was okay. I wanted to cry my eyes out. It was mentally and emotionally hard being away from him. I was in the courtroom for about a half hour or so. The entire time I kept thinking, "What if he's screaming right now? What if he needs me? Would Moe alert the lady at the check in so that she could try to find me to alert me? What if Moe gets frustrated with him, would she get frustrated? Would she shake him? Would she ignore his screaming cries? Would she let him feel abandoned? What would happen if he feels I abandoned him? What if he doesn't cry at all. She's going to keep him in his carseat. OMG if he stays in his carseat it could constrict his breathing. What if he stops breathing? What if he dies in his carseat? What would I do? How would I survive losing him?"
It felt like torture the entire time. I just wanted to run and be with him. When we got home we had some much needed cuddles while he nursed.

Inside of me my common sense is screaming, "This is what adoption has done to you. You now have these fears of losing your child. You will always feel paranoid and have anxiety and there's nothing you can ever do. In adoption there is no healing, no moving forward, and no closure. Life sentence ,without parole."

Who am I really?

How do people get over the past? How does one heal and move forward?
I don't mean ignore or go into denial either. Many believe that that is "moving forward". But it's not. It's more like freezing emotions and storing them away while time ticks forward. Those emotions are never dealt with or acknowledge... at least not until a trigger happens at some point.
How does one learn to live happily? I know that a way to live happily is to live in the moment - in each and every precious moment. But if we all did that we would be living blindly - asking to be harmed, no?
Just remembered a thought that I had once before when I was high - One would need to reach the same place mentally and emotionally, view the past memory, and then consciously shift the perspective. After allowing that to happen one may be able to see it differently enough to accept it and heal.

I really miss being high right now. I miss living in the moment. I miss being able to objectively relive my past and work through it. I miss my brain slowing down enough to the point where I could be WHO I WANT TO BE and not who my past has made me.

I don't want to be some of the things I am but it's really hard to change. And changing also makes me feel depressed and lost - like I have no idea who I am anymore.
I don't want to be reactive and angry but I am sometimes and I don't know how to stop myself from it happening and even if I could - who wants to spend their whole life attempting to prevent themselves from being who they apparently truly are? How fucked up is that?!
I don't want to feel like I need some sort of mental stimulation all the time. I don't know why I feel I need it but I get very agitated without some sort of mental stimulation - reading, the laptop, talking to others, watching videos, you know - things like that.
I want to be able to spend more time with my kids and enjoy playing games with Lailah, reading to her, laughing with her. But I don't. I make myself spend time with her and I make myself do things for her that I wanted done for me as a kid - but the entire time I can't stop wanting to go back to my laptop or reading or even just sleeping my whole life away. What kind of mother does that make me? I can tell you, I feel quite sad myself admitting this.
I don't enjoy life. I feel like I've created my own little world - surrounded myself with stimulation that would help me avoid real life, avoid the emotions and pain that real life suffocates me with. It's so overwhelming - I feel so much anxiety when I try to deal with 'the real life'. I feel so much safer in my own bubble - in my own safe haven. But I WANT to enjoy my life - real life. I want to enjoy my kids, enjoy my justin, and enjoy what my future could hold for me. But I don't. Back when I was getting high - I loved every single day, I loved my life, I loved my kids, I loved spending time with Lailah, and life was quite pleasant.
When I woud get high - Lailah was the greatest most amazing thing I could have ever wanted to be around. This little human who was so full of life, spunky, funny, and extremely entertaining. Stuck in my own world - avoiding life, and then trying to join her little world - becomes very overwhelming and triggers such bad anxiety for me. And I hate it. I hate who I am. I want to be who I WANT to be. Who I created myself to be when I smoked. And I miss it. When I smoked I feel like I was ME. I was my TRUE me - with all guards down - able to live in the real world and function like a proper human being.
Apparently though - that's not the real me. The real me is the woman who has a child still stuck inside her, a woman who is afraid of the real world the surrounds her, a woman who has her guards up so hard that she can't even function properly with her own children and not even for her own self.

I feel sad about who I am and I have no idea how to make these feeling that prevent me from being who I want to be - go away. I've been in therapy my whole life, I've tried so many different mediations, and I aim everyday. But my aim is just a facade and behind it - I'm miserable.

Lonely

I haven't written in a few days. Not really much to talk about I guess. I'm going to be getting my income tax in hopefully around the middle of next week. That's exciting because the money will be extremely helpful. I have some bills that need to be paid off and I need to have my car fixed and inspected. I also need to get some things for the kids and new clothes for myself since I'm 20 lbs heavier than I was would be wonderful. But we will see. Oh, I recently (Tuesday I think it was) chopped all my hair off.
Justin should be getting his return as well. He's going to get me a ring.  :) But idk. I love him to death and I'm so extremely happy with him but it scares me. I want to be with him but I don't want the next steps to change our relationship and certainly don't want it effecting our happiness. I don't want it to feel like we HAVE to be together instead of wanting to be together. Recently he's been staying up late before falling asleep and then getting up early for work. I fall asleep early and then when he gets home he stays up but around the time he's going to sleep- I'm waking up. And it make me feel really sad. The past couple days I've started to feel pretty lonely. I miss him and I feel like him and the kids are all I really have. I know he works all day and he needs sleep but at the same time, I don't want him to get sleep. I want him to spend time with me. I NEED him to spend time with me. And I shouldn't need anything from him. But I do because I feel like I have nothing else. I feel alone and it ultimately makes me sink farther into this depression that I feel is fogged around me daily.  I don't really have friends and my family isn't too much of a family at all.
I should clean the room tomorrow. Wrap Noel to me, clean this room up, and do some laundry. I just haven't really been up to it lately - it feels overwhelming. But if I don't do it, who will? -.-

BPD.

Well, I went and saw that therapist again. I think I'll stick with him for a while. We decided that I need to work on my emotions towards my childhood, how I feel towards my parents, and my borderline personality disorder. I don't really know what I'm expecting - I don't really know the goals for all of this or anything. I just know that I want to feel better and a step towards feeling better is getting the right mental health care.
Yesterday was Lailah's birthday and she is 6 years old!! It's unbelievable. I feel like so much time has passed but at the same time I feel like I just had her not too long ago. I have a 6 year old child. How did that happen!? How did she grow up so fast?! She is amazing. She's a great little person. She's smart, funny, sarcastic, bright, silly, compassionate, understanding, and she strives to be the best person she can be. What more can I ask from her? I love her so much and I can't imagine it being any other way. She's everything to me. I mean, I love Noel too. But the reason I'm still here today and how I was even here to bring Noel here, is because of  her. Because she gave me strength and courage as not only a parent but as a person as well.

In other news, I am pissed off this morning. Why, you ask? Well - last year my dad GAVE my sister and her girlfriend his car. GAVE IT TO THEM. I WORKED for my first car. I worked, I searched for one, and I spent all my money on it. Two years later it broke down and I was pregnant with Bennett and I didn't have a car or even family support. Well, supposedly the car my dad gave to my sister broke down..... my mom GAVE her car to my sister - her BRAND NEW CAR. Last year one of my sisters friends got into an accident in my moms car totaling it. So my mom got a brand new one. She's now GIVING it to my sister and buying a new one. She claims she is not "giving it" to her but that my sister is "working" for it by helping her with her daycare. But my sister is RARELY here helping with the daycare. Definitely not working enough to buy a $20,000+ new car from her. Plus I LIVE HERE, I am ALWAYS here and my mom COULD - well, idk - ASK ME maybe?! But she doesn't. She'd rather give and care more about Moranda and Brian before ever giving a damn about me.

I just WISH I could FEEL that my parents love me even the slightest bit. I wish I could feel like I am cared about and that I mean something to them. I wish I felt that the people that brought me here would feel SOMETHING if I were to be gone from here. But I don't. I don't feel love and I certainly don't feel cared about. I feel like I was a complete unwanted accident that was never wanted to begin with. I feel like I am not supposed to and never was supposed to exist here with them. But I do - and I hate that I do. I wish I didn't. I wish they protected themselves better.
My mom makes me feel like everything is my fault pretty often. She got pregnant with ME and THAT'S why she supposedly got married. Not because she was in love or anything. But because of me. And if it weren't for me then maybe she wouldn't have had to spend her life with a man she really didn't want to and only did for the "sake" of her kids. I wish she had gotten an abortion like her sisters did when they weren't ready for a baby. My mom also tries to tell me bad and negative things about my dad often - which really hurts me because I am A LOT like my dad. But then again, she must know that it hurts me. If I say anything negative about how I feel or whatever she says, "You got that from your father, not from me." She has tried telling me that my dad never loved or cared about me - that he was never around to help her care for us. But I believe that is bullshit. Because I REMEMBER my dad. I don't remember my mom. I remember when my dad taught me to read and write, when he took the time to help me with my homework, when he taught me how to swim, and ride a bike, when he would lay on the grass with me and teach me about the sky and rainbows. I remember when he would sit me up on his lap and do puzzles with me or teach me crosswords and Sudoku. I remember when my dad would play video games with me, laugh with me, and read me a bedtime story every night. I remember that when I was really little he would come over and take the time to try to understand me and accept me. And yeah - as a teenager all that changed and our relationship fell to pieces. But my dad DID love me. He DID care about me. Ask me what I remember about my mom. NOTHING. I don't remember my mom in my life very much at all. I remember her bringing me places - dance, cheerleading, modeling, the hospital, therapists - anywhere she could pawn me off on others with as little communication towards me as possible - at least, that's how it has turned out to feel to me. The only times I remember feeling like my mom really loved me is when I was really hurt and she was concerned about me. And idk if she acted concerned because she really was or if it was to portray to others that she was a good mom. But I don't even care I guess. - Or maybe I do. :( Idk, all I do know is that I'm broken inside due to all this shit. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be brought into this world. I didn't ask to be born to parents that didn't want me. I didn't ask to be the child I was. I didn't ask to struggle the way I do. If it were up to me, I'd never had been born and I wouldn't be here today. But unfortunately - I can't go back and miscarry myself.

Borderline personality disorder: Impulsive actions, unstable moods, chaotic relationships.
Intense bouts of anger, depression, and anxiety that lasts a few hours- a day.
Impulsive aggression, self injury, and drug or alcohol abuse.
Feeling: bad, unworthy, unfairly misunderstood/mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are.
Worse when feeling isolate or lacking social support - may result in frantic efforts to avoid being alone. (video)

Emotions suck

Just a few things on my mind.
First is: The other day my sister pissed me right off. We were upstairs. And Justin was wearing an inappropriate shirt - although a kid wouldn't be able to know any better. It said on it, "Kiss me under the mistletoe." And had a mistletoe on the shirt. Now, all of us adults know what that insinuates. But a child hopefully wouldn't know. Now, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that my 13 yr old cousin read the shirt and my sister shouted, "That means suck my penis!" and then I stepped in and was like, "Excuse me... You can stop that." And so my sister purposely turned to my almost 6 yr old daughter and said, "Pee pee." To TELL HER WHAT IT MEANT. And I flipped!
My sister kept holding her hand up ignorantly repeating, "You'll be fine. Get over it." And I was like, "Yeah, I may be, BUT WHAT ABOUT HER! *pointing to Lailah*.
Something else also ties into this... last week we had an issue where Lailah asked my moms 5 yr old step son to "play privates". She got caught and she came downstairs to me. When I asked her she cried and cried and told me that I would be mad at her. I promised her I wouldn't. And I didn't. I just felt really sad. I explained to her that privates aren't something to be ashamed about and neither is curiosity but that she should come to ME and that privates belong to the person they are on. I stressed that she needed to keep her body clothed and that she should never ask anyone else to unclothe for her. It was pretty difficult on me and I'm sure difficult on her as well.
So now with both situations tied together - I feel worried about her. I am worried that she'll make the wrong decisions regarding this. I can't control her. I can't force her to make the right choices. I can only stress the best paths to take. And I worry so much that one day she could get in a lot of trouble. Last year I followed a case where an 18 yr old got many many years in prison due to dating a girl a couple yrs younger. In this day, people need to be careful and they need to stress to their children that they need to be careful. I shouldn't have to teach Lailah to fear everything but I need to in my attempt to protect her. I need her to be afraid to take certain actions. :( What other way is there?

I also got offered to be part of a co-op to buy cloth diapers. The diapers come out to about $150-$200 - $150 before shipping/handling and other fees. So I accepted and I asked my mom and grandmother to borrow the money. But they both bailed on me. What's new? Especially my mom - it shouldn't be news to me. The point of a co-op is extremely discounted prices by buying in bulk (many people ordering together). If I buy the diapers separately I'd be paying hundreds more. Right now I am spending over $100 a month on baby disposable diapers... so, the cloth would actually benefit us financially in the long run. But I can't afford it until I get my income tax. Luckily the woman ordering is willing to work with me and hold onto the diapers I order and pay for them, until I get my income tax and send her the money. But I HATE doing that. I feel so bad doing that. Fuck my family.

Lastly,  I saw a new therapist today. He seemed nice and I generally liked my first impression of him. He has NO clue about adoption and said the completely uneducated responses such as "You gave him a better life." And I asked him how he knew that. He said, "Well you get pictures so you can see." I responded with, "Well my mom could have easily send photos where I seemed happy to people also." He said touche and we sort of dropped the topic. Maybe I can help him understand and educate him further on it? Idk. I'm seeing him again on Monday to finish up our first assessment or whatever it's called. He also set me up to see a psychiatrist - but I told him that I do NOT want medications pushed on me. So, we will see I guess.

Recently I've been feeling sad. I should clean, I should eat more often - but I can't. I just don't even have the motivation. And the majority of my thoughts are bad thoughts like, "I don't want to be here." "I hate life." - I just try to not think at all even when the feelings are still deep within, I just don't want to allow them to bring the negative thoughts to the surface. As for now, I have some okay control. But Idk how long I can hold onto all of these feelings for feeling as unsupported and uncared about as I've been feeling lately.

Trying to keep head above the water.

I've been agitated lately. Sort of depressed as well. I am SO broke - I'm hoping to get my tax return back ASAP and that it'll help but I know it won't be coming this month and I'm pretty sure we'll be drowning this month. Now, if we will actually drown - I doubt... but we will probably have a shit ton of water in our lungs to recover from when we survive this.
I have Lailah's birthday party on the 15th to pay for. So that means goodie bag stuff, cake, ice cream, a present, and face painting. I originally wanted to get her an electric ride on vehicle but there is absolutely no way that I can afford that. So, instead I'm a cheap mama who is buying her some books and crocheting her a crown. Woo-ho.... -.- I wish I could be more and better for her. But, I just can't right now.
I am also borrowing money from my grandmother in attempt to save money in the long run. With the borrowed money I will be buying cloth diapers. That way I can just wash them and not have to keep buying diapers. I am also thinking of making my own cloth wipes as well. We'll see on the wipes but I am pretty sure I'm going to since we go through a lottt of them and really can't afford it.
I went to court on Thursday for Scott and My divorce... yeah.... well, the judge won't grant the divorce without Scott doing a paternity test to prove that he is NOT Noel's father. Justin was there and more than willing to take a test to prove he IS Noel's father but the judge did not care. He want's DNA Proof that Scott is NOT his father. It is SO stupid. Because if Justin's DNA comes back as 99.9% he is the father then how would Scott be able to ALSO be Noel's father?! It wouldn't... SO DUMB. Then there was an ultimatum thrown out that if Scott doesn't get the paternity test then the divorce will not be granted and it will be court ordered that he pay child support for both Noel and Lailah. Because in our state he is automatically legally Scott's child. No matter what.
My cell phone bill has also tripled... from $108 to $300.... all because I asked them to change my expected payment date from the 1st to the 9th... yeah, it somehow fucked me. Now I have to pay like - 3 months worth of cell phone when I never even got those months of service. Fantastic. So- I'm going to put $150 down and then call the cell company and tell them that I was surprised and that I can't pay it and that I've paid all I could at this point on it. I was told that if I do that then they'll keep our service on.
Yikes, and I just remembered Valentines day is also coming up. How will I or Justin even afford to get a present for one another at all? :/ Ugh ! We can't even just afford a nice dinner together and it's not like we can just spend some alone time together either - we have both kids.
Whatever - whine, whine, whine, bitch, bitch, bitch - nothing will change. I just have to get through this month with my head still held above water - if that's even possible.