Drama with dad

Ready for some drama?
So yesterday my dad come in my room telling me to get an application for Justin to apply to Marker Basket. Right now Justin is trying to get this job working at a call center though (a different one than the one he's been calling). He sent in an application and got a call back the next day. Now he's going to fill out another application and set up an interview hopefully. They pay $13 hr and the shift is from 10:30am - 7pm. Which isn't much different than the shift he has now but it pays much better. So, we're hoping he gets this position.
Anywho, my dad was getting angry at me and wouldn't just listen to me that we are working it out. He started shouting at me for like 10 mins straight, if not longer. And he implied that life is difficult and when you have children you have to sacrifice in order to provide for your children and that since Justin can't support us then it's up to me and I should sacrifice college. Basically said Justin is good for nothing and I need to stop relying on him to get a better job and that I am not doing well enough for my kids. He then went on to bitch about his life and how things were so rough for him and how because HE had to do it the way he did it that I should have to as well, the same way. I don't want to do it the same way. I want to go to college and get my degree in 5 years and be able to have a life for my children and I. He also made me feel as if he were saying he wants me out of his apartment.
But he made me feel pretty depressed and I started crying and I cried for like an hour straight. I hated myself and I felt college could no longer be an option. I sort of started panicking.
At first I went to my moms house in attempt to calm down and I vented to my mom and brother about what had happened. I tried to talk to my mom about it and she just basically said my dad was right and I need to grow up and that's just how life is. I felt like I had no support or encouragement for my life or plans at all.
I then was trying to think of other options. What paths were there for me to follow other than Justin working and me going to school?
1. I go to school and work Fri-Sat. But with that option I am in school from 11am-3:30 pm by the time I get home I only see Lailah for 4 hours before she goes to sleep. (which I'm going to be doing anyways). BUT with this option I would be working Fri-Sun so I wouldn't have that time with her. I would have to work all day in order to create an income that I could put together with Justin's and possibly get an apartment.
2. I drop out of college before I even start and I work full time and put my income together with Justin's. But with that option we would be trapped low - income / poor and in an apartment nearly our whole lives.
3. Join the active army.

Those are the only options I can think of at the moment.

My future is in hell.

I'm feeling sad today. Justin still hasn't received a call about that job. I'm going to have him call to check in on the status of his application tomorrow but I've pretty much completely lost hope in it. Since he won't be getting this job I feel sad. Now what? I don't even know anymore. Now he's going to have to apply and call to other jobs and hope to make at least $10 an hour. But even that sounds doubtful. Anything under that amount it not livable though for our 4 person family. Even that amount will barely be scraping by. I don't even know if we could afford our own place on that amount.
I'm starting school in 2 weeks from today. I don't even know if I should feel excited anymore. I'm starting to think I should drop out and get a full time job instead. But then where does that leave us? Sure, we may be able to afford an apartment but we will be trapped there like that for the rest of our lives. Be poor our whole lives. What a great future I have to look forward too.
My life fucking sucks.
When I start feeling how I do right now I feel my kids deserve more and better than me and what I can't provide for them. I feel Lailah would be better off with her dad or his family and Noel is better off with another family or his dad, I don't know. But they're definitely more better off than staying with me. I'm fucking pathetic. I can't even provide a roof over their heads. We've been on food stamps the past couple months because I can't even afford to put food in their bellies. What kind of pathetic mom am I?
I feel like one day all of this will be too much weight for me to bear on my own and I'll kill myself. I'm trying so hard to find some way to make it, some way to make life better for us, some way to become more for them. But I feel it will never happen. One day, I won't be here anymore and finally my children will be free and they'll have access to much more than I could ever give them access to. The weight is getting heavier but I'm still pushing forward. But I know there's a probability that my future consists of "Hell".

Just keeping an update.

It's been about a week since I've last posted. Not too much going on.
Lailah's starting 1st grade tomorrow. I have no idea where time has gone because it does not feel as if I should have a child that's entering 1st grade. I'm happy and excited for her though and I'm hoping she loves it.
Not too much going on with Noel. He's now standing on his own, although, not walking yet. He has 6 teeth. He shakes his head yes and no and seems to understand each of their meanings. He rocks his head to music or singing. He's a really good, happy baby. Although, he did just get over being ill, which was not fun at all! He was not so happy lol he screamed a lot. But he seems to be feeling better now.
We're still waiting on that job Justin may or may not get. He's been calling weekly to see where he stands, he will be calling back again tomorrow to check again. So, nothing to report on that.
I just finished crocheting a poncho and a hat for Noel, dinosaur themed. It's adorable and I'm pretty proud of myself. I love it.
I have Bennett's pirate themed blanket in the closet in a bag halfway done. I want to finish it but at the same time I don't. I feel like it's HIS. And since it's HIS, I don't want to let it go yet. I feel like I'm just not ready. I want him to have it. But I just feel I can't let it go yet. I told Liz that I would probably be sending it for Christmas though. I still haven't even been able to send out his birthday present yet and I feel really guilty about that. I just don't have the money right now to ship. :/ I hate it. I feel guilty and bad.
I'm starting school in 2 weeks. I'm really nervous. I'm hoping I can do really well and get the good grades I want. I'm so afraid of failure. But as I've learned the worst failure is having never tried because then you can't succeed at all. I'm pumping milk for Noel for when I'm in school and so far I have 65 1/2 oz. My goal is 100 oz but I don't think I'm going to hit that. But here's to trying!
Yeah, not much else to note atm.

Goal list

Learn and become fluent in ASL
Learn to speak Spanish
Ride on a hot air balloon
Save $5,000
Save $10,000
Save $20,000
Save $50,000
Save $75,000
Save $100,000
Save $130,000
Save $150,000
Save $175,000
Save $200,000
Save $500,000
Save $1m
Own my own home
Spend time in Australia
Spend time in England
Graduate with my masters degree
Become a psychologist
Get my doctorate degree
Marry the man I love
Buy a nice car
Become a Peace Corps Volunteer for a year or two
Learn how to use a bow with arrows
Support my family
Be at all my children's weddings
Become a foster parent and help at least 2 children

Doubting.

I feel like all people ever want to do is pull me down and stomp on me. They want to hold me back and prevent me from being happy. They just want to destroy any bit of excitement and happiness I can simmer up.

I was thinking about if Justin gets this job. I would really like to save $200-$300 a month. I want to save up money over the next 6 years (which would be finishing school and getting into my career). With that money we would pay for our wedding and get married, honeymoon, and we would buy a house. At least that's my dream.
But I try to talk to my mom, my dad, and a couple friends about potentially buying a house and saving up for a down payment on a house. But I am told that I will NEVER be able to afford a house. That it will always be too expensive for me. I'm told I should never even look into buying a house because it'll never happen. Of course I want to prove them wrong but they really do get to me and I feel discouraged.

I feel like this job offer that Justin may get is going to ruin me if he doesn't get it. It's got my hopes up. We sort of need him to get this job. If he doesn't then we will be trapped at my dads forever. Seriously - probably at least the next 5 years. I guess I'm feeling sort of depressed. If he doesn't get the job what kind of mother would I be to go to school and not get a full time job to get my kids into our own place? I'm having a lot of doubts. What I want for my future doesn't matter. I just need to take care of my kids here and today. And making us and ultimately them stay at my dads, I just don't feel it's what is best for them at all. Justin and I will need to work full time and then hopefully we would be able to care for our family.

I just don't know anymore. So many doubts.

I don't know what's going on with me. All I know is I'm feeling down recently. It's not too bad. I've been a lot worse before. But, I don't know. I feel like things COULD fall into place. But what if they don't? That's the part that worries me.
At the end of the day I guess I just feel that my kids deserve more and better than me. I'm doing my best. I've been doing the best I can with what I have. I intend on continuing this and doing the best I can each and everyday, but sometimes I feel like giving up. Some times things get rough and I feel like I will never be where I want to be. I know giving up will mean I will never get there but some times I feel that giving up would be better than failing. But this is life right? There's not many ways to give up besides suicide. Even if I were to have others take my kids for their own benefit I would still have to move forward, get up everyday, and try. What if one day I found that I could get to where I wanted to be and my kids weren't with me? So, I guess the only true way for me to ever "Give up", would be to leave this place. That will be my last resort.

Engaged to an angel

I fixed things with Justin. He came home - he had one of his friends bring him home. At first I wouldn't talk to him at all but I really upset him when I threw his pillow on the ground. He started yelling which was super out of character for him. It finally triggered me to break my silence.
I was finally able to tell him how I felt, what I was going through, and why I felt the way I did. He then hugged me, loved me, and understood me. And he apologized. He is truly an amazing man.

I oftentimes feel as if I don't deserve him at all. But one thing I know for sure is that he makes me happy and I love him so much. He means a lot to me - so much I couldn't put it into words. He is always there for me, loving me, caring for me, understanding, and just amazing. I don't think I could ask for a better guy than him.

Today I went to Johnson & Wales University to speak with the financial adviser in charge. I finished handing in all the paperwork that they needed in order to prepare my financial aid for this term. I then told her about my struggle to afford books. She said she doesn't usually do anything to help but since I wouldn't be able to attend unless I can afford books she was giving me a small grant to help pay for them. She told me to go in during the first week of school and ask for the voucher and then take it to the bookstore and get the books I need. It's almost like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I can't believe soon I will be a student again. An actual college student studying counseling psychology and aiming for my Masters degree in Psychology Sciences. It's crazy. I am so excited to earn this degree. I'm so happy to be doing this for myself and for my family.

Still no call back for the job Justin applied to. I feel as if I really shouldn't get my hopes up. It was a nice thought for me to imagine though. Him getting the job, finally being able to get our own place, our own apartment. Finally being able to afford our family. Not having to worry about birthdays and holidays for our children. But yeah, let's not get ahead of ourselves, right? It's been a week and he hasn't even gotten a call for an interview.

Not much else going on yet. Hm..

Last night I was upset. I was upset because I wanted to spend some time with Justin. I wanted it to be just him and I. I wanted to cuddle up to him and breathe him in. I kept trying to put Noel in Lailah's bed. Which I've done before and he was fine. But he kept waking up. Then I got upset enough that I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't get to sleep until past 4am. Thankfully Justin understood and he got Lailah ready this morning for her Memere and camp then he took Noel for me for a bit. So I got to sleep a bit more than I would have.  I'm engaged to an angel.

Shouldn't be with him?

I'm struggling.
It all started today. I woke up with Noel and Justin laid there sleeping. I get up and right after I get up he gets up. Then I told him I wanted to get a few things done today. I wanted to clean up the room, vacuum, bring the stuff in my trunk to Salvation Army, and clean and vacuum my car. He didn't say anything.
Around 3:44 he tells me, "I'm going to that work thing today."
I asked, "When are you leaving?"
He responds, "4:20."
Oh.... not even an hour in advance am I alerted to this.

I got mad. He did tell me he had a "dodgeball game" to go to that him and coworkers had planned - he mentioned it slightly some time last week and told me, "Tuesday". No time or anything. Although, today he swore he told me - so maybe I'm just fucking stupid and I forgot.
But he didn't even ask me to go with him, bring him, pick him up, nothing. He just told me he was leaving - not even an hour before leaving.
I got upset and I vented to Tom and Tiffany about it. Then I grabbed the baby and went in the shower. He was banging on the door. I told him, "Your bus arrives in 10 mins, don't you have to go? GO!"
When I got out he had already left. He didn't bother to text me or call me at all.

I started struggling massively. My thoughts attacking me. I could tell Inner Child was with me and she was hurt and upset. She was trying to prove to me that I shouldn't be with him. She kept begging me to come out. She wouldn't shut up.
Now I'm not sure if I should even be in a relationship. Clearly, my response wasn't normal. Maybe I need to be able to better control myself before starting a life with someone else.

I texted him and told him not to come home tonight. I told him that I will see him tomorrow when I get home from the zoo. He then tried to call me over 10 times and I ignored each call.
Part of me just wants to break up and apply for the same job he applied for and not attend school at all. Just depend and rely on myself. Because clearly I have something wrong with me and I can't control my emotions when something like this happens. Which I can only imagine will happen a lot more in my future with him.

I feel like his work friends are far more important than me and our relationship. I feel like if he gets this better paying job from 9-5 that he will miss his friends more than me and schedule more time with them since he won't be working with them.
I feel like he might as well have them in his life and not me.

I'm clearly not stable enough for a long term relationship.

I don't even want to see him right now. Part of me wants him to come home tonight; even though I told him not to. But I feel like I know he won't. He will go home with one of his friends. And then tomorrow I will be even more mad. I can only see this spiraling out of control because I can't stop how I feel.

It's not even that big of a deal, right?? Yet here I am. He deserves much better than this. I shouldn't even be with him at all.

So. Much. Change! (Hoping it's all for the better!)

Oh. My. Goodness.

So much new is starting. So much hopefully positive new.

• I'm on my way to starting school at Johnson & Wales University next month on the 15th. 
• Justin may getting a new job that will be able to financially support our family.
• The court ordered child support for Lailah to be increased by $400 a month.
• Scott is coming home, supposedly, for good next month.

These things will change our lives. School will set me on track to get my Masters degree and get a psychology degree. I will be able to get a good paying job, my education, and live my dream. If Justin gets this job we will be able to get an apartment, care for the kids, afford holidays and birthdays. We will be good. The child support money will help me put Lailah back into gymnastics and let her try all other activities and sports she may be interested in trying, it will also help with her school supplies, and clothing. Scott coming home for good will hopefully influence Lailah's life in a positive and healthy way. She will finally get to know and have a relationship with her dad, again - hopefully. 

I am excited but nervous and hopeful! I am excited and hopeful but at the same time I am SO nervous. What if things don't turn out as well as I'm hoping? What if the higher pay doesn't help out in the long run because it causes more bills to pay? What if Scott isn't the dad Lailah deserves and needs? What if he hurts her feelings? 

I guess I have the right to be nervous and scared a bit. But at the same time I also have the right to be hopeful and excited. All I can do is hope for the best, right?!