Doubting.

I feel like all people ever want to do is pull me down and stomp on me. They want to hold me back and prevent me from being happy. They just want to destroy any bit of excitement and happiness I can simmer up.

I was thinking about if Justin gets this job. I would really like to save $200-$300 a month. I want to save up money over the next 6 years (which would be finishing school and getting into my career). With that money we would pay for our wedding and get married, honeymoon, and we would buy a house. At least that's my dream.
But I try to talk to my mom, my dad, and a couple friends about potentially buying a house and saving up for a down payment on a house. But I am told that I will NEVER be able to afford a house. That it will always be too expensive for me. I'm told I should never even look into buying a house because it'll never happen. Of course I want to prove them wrong but they really do get to me and I feel discouraged.

I feel like this job offer that Justin may get is going to ruin me if he doesn't get it. It's got my hopes up. We sort of need him to get this job. If he doesn't then we will be trapped at my dads forever. Seriously - probably at least the next 5 years. I guess I'm feeling sort of depressed. If he doesn't get the job what kind of mother would I be to go to school and not get a full time job to get my kids into our own place? I'm having a lot of doubts. What I want for my future doesn't matter. I just need to take care of my kids here and today. And making us and ultimately them stay at my dads, I just don't feel it's what is best for them at all. Justin and I will need to work full time and then hopefully we would be able to care for our family.

I just don't know anymore. So many doubts.

I don't know what's going on with me. All I know is I'm feeling down recently. It's not too bad. I've been a lot worse before. But, I don't know. I feel like things COULD fall into place. But what if they don't? That's the part that worries me.
At the end of the day I guess I just feel that my kids deserve more and better than me. I'm doing my best. I've been doing the best I can with what I have. I intend on continuing this and doing the best I can each and everyday, but sometimes I feel like giving up. Some times things get rough and I feel like I will never be where I want to be. I know giving up will mean I will never get there but some times I feel that giving up would be better than failing. But this is life right? There's not many ways to give up besides suicide. Even if I were to have others take my kids for their own benefit I would still have to move forward, get up everyday, and try. What if one day I found that I could get to where I wanted to be and my kids weren't with me? So, I guess the only true way for me to ever "Give up", would be to leave this place. That will be my last resort.