Bennett has grown so much; it's unbelievable ! He has this adorable sweet voice. Most of the time he was watching shows - Chuggington lol on his Ipad. Liz tried to get Bennett to sing but he didn't have much interest in that. He did say hi, bye, and blow some kisses but mostly to get her out of his face LOL.
He was eating a chip. : Liz was telling me he is a snacker and that he doesn't often eat meals but will eat snacks whenever lol.
She was asking me about the baby and my pregnancy - seeing how I am doing. I wanted to tell her that emotionally it's difficult. That I have fears of losing my baby due to the adoption. I wanted to tell her that I get nightmares of people taking my baby from me and dream after dream after dream of Bennett needing me. But a nmom can not simply tell that to an amom. No, no way. Amoms would take that very personally and I can not risk that happening. I can not risk her feeling anything but the happiness she has over the fact that she has one of my children.
Seeing him made me over the moon happy but at the same time it fucked with my head, which is quite typical after seeing him- even just pictures. But I kept getting thoughts that - "Well, I'm stronger than her, I'm stronger than them - they NEEDED him. I love him more than anything but I am still here, alive and kicking." And I hated myself for having that thought - among others. My head kept trying to make it all seem okay and ignore the pain that I'm sure I feel deep within. I know I feel pain - or else Liz bringing up Bennett's birth and my pregnancy wouldn't have choked me up the way it had. It kills me inside that Bennett is thousands of miles away with them - calling them mom and dad, and not here with me and his sister. But what can I do? What is done is done and I can't take anything back. Part of me so badly wants to feel okay but another part of me doesn't want to let go of the pain - which may sound silly, but it's like a fear to me. Letting go of the pain in my head is equivalent to moving on and I don't want to do that. I don't want to move on or move forward from losing him. I want to remember that I'm scarred and that I'm missing a part of myself. I want to keep that part of me open. I don't want to flip the switch inside of me that tells me "All is good, he is well, you can be well too." Because I have no idea where that will lead me. My head is confused. Others may tell me, "Well, you can do both." But honestly, it is not that easy. I laugh at the thought of that. They tell me I can heal without forgetting or moving forward but for me that feels like an impossibility. In my world I tend to see things black or white, no inbetween - no grey. Adoptionland is the only place I struggle with that though - Because being one or the other is like death in my opinion, but standing in the grey is a really difficult struggle for me - I feel this desire to jump towards and into either the black or the white at all times, like invisible thread yanking me back and forth and I just want it to end. Blah, maybe none of this makes sense to anyone else - then again, it is MY head.
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