Bennett Update - Adoption sucks.

Last night I got new pictures of Bennett. I also got a small update. I was told that he's talking a lot more, that he loves books and his Ipad, and any sports that include a ball. I'm told he's smart and the happiest child around, as well as a teacher favorite.
I don't really know how to feel or what to think. When I get updates it's exciting, don't get me wrong. But inside, it hurts at the same time. Last night I was crying because it sucks. All of this sucks - adoption sucks. It's shitty. But it's now the journey we are both on that we have to live with regardless. Because I can't go back in time, I can't fix anything or change anything. I can only hope that the best happens from here on out.
I'm sort of bothered that at 2 years old he has an Ipad and not a leapster or something more age appropriate. I mean, what can a 2 yr old learn from an Ipad? I wish I could say, "Oh well, not my kid!" But truth is - I can't, because no matter what, I gave birth to him and he will always be mine. Yet, I can't make these decisions. I lost all decision making when I signed that stupid TPR.
I know it wasn't my fault. I know that I felt I had no other choice - making it not a choice at all.
But that doesn't take the pain away. That doesn't stop the hurting.

I did what I was TOLD was best for him and Lailah. I did what I was TOLD he deserved - more than me, more than what I could provide. I did what I was TOLD would keep him the safest. I trusted everyone to be on my side and on his side and to HELP me when I was in a time of desperation and need. I felt I had nowhere to turn and nobody understood my cry out for help. I just wanted what was best. I wanted for him the best and for his sister the best. I love them with everything I am and I just wanted to be a good mom.

     Friends have pointed out that the keys are in the ignition and that it's not 

exactly safe to have a 2 yr old playing with the gears in a car that has the keys in the ignition. But hey...   nothing I can do.

 

I'm hoping this is the Elmo I sent him... but I sort of believe it's not because of the what seems like - blue dotted outfit that the Elmo seems to be wearing. The Elmo I sent him didn't have that on, it had overalls on. So, :/ Makes me feel a bit down.

Now, what I love about this picture and the other one with the Elmo in it - is the satin edged blankey. Just like the ones I always had growing up ! :D Maybe he is more like me than I've thought. <3 And that sort of makes my heart sing.

Well.... to wrap up - I also asked Liz for a Facetime visit, she agreed but nothing solid yet. I asked her if we could possibly do Saturday but no response yet... hoping she responds soon though. That's it really. At least for tonight. <3