Ramblings in the middle of the night. Trapped.

I feel trapped with no way out.
Adoption is a lifelong sentence with no escape route.
It's like I have a responsibility now, to speak out and prevent others from joining this fate,
to prevent babies from being taken from everything they know.
It's like I have no other life outside of adoption.
I live everyday the pain of adoption. I live with my grief. I live with my healing.
I heal with my internal confusion and I could shut it off but shutting it off wouldn't heal me.
It would make things worse in 10-20 years.
The pain and grief would come back with a vengeance
like it has for all those natural mothers living in denial and a facade of sunshine and rainbows.
Suffering, thats what adoption is.
And we do it for one reason, in hopes that we can reconnect with our child.
If they come back to us.
Because from others experience, if i ignore the pain, ignore what's happened,
go on with life - and in 15 years Bennett comes to find me.
Or his parents contact me, whatever.
I will crash and I will burn, I won't want to see him because it'll hurt. It'll be like losing him all over again.
It's tempting to take that route, but not at that price.
I don't suffer 24-7 but its always there.
The fact I don't have my son. That I created a human being and hes not with me like he should be.
Can you imagine what thats like for a mother?
People get attached to their pets for gods sake. This is my child.
He's my blood. I made him for almost a year.
Every breath I took I transferred to him.
I was careful what I ate. I altered my diet. I stopped smoking bud completely. I ate healthy.
I didn't have even a sip of alcohol.
I went through the worst physical pain of my life to bring him into this world.
Then by losing him I endured the worst emotional pain of my life.
My head is all sorts of fucked up.
Granted mentally I feel better than I have in a long long time,
but I also think the pregnancy hormones are helping me there.
It's so weird because even though I feel mentally/emotionally well I've felt ....
completely insane sometimes.
The anxiety attacks feel like I'm dying.
Like an intense fear that something bad is happening, or that something will happen to me.
I get feelings where I don't feel present, as in - human.
I get feelings where I am PETRIFIED of myself.
I am extremely afraid that I will go unconscious
- do something wrong, then wake up and be forced to deal w the consequences.
I have been super afraid of the dark all over again.
I am AFRAID of my thoughts whenever I start thinking and they're not 100% under my control.
I feel like I am being possessed or that I'm hearing voices.
I get afraid that something is happening to me.
Something I can't control yet.
Even though I have all of this - I don't feel angry anymore.
I feel sad often but not depressed. No more suicidal thoughts. I don't want to hurt myself.
I feel like a really great parent to Lailah. I feel happy in my relationship with Justin.
I feel oddly calm even though I'm struggling and about to have another baby,
who btw is kicking away inside of me like I'm a punching bag atm.
But also I've been putting off asking for pics of Bennett.
I want to ask for a Facetime visit but I've been putting that off as well.
It scares me to see him. I don't know why.
Maybe it should soothe me, comfort me, help me feel hes safe and happy.
But it doesn't, it hurts.