No winning. Wrong.

So much reeling in my head about adoption and Bennett lately. And there's no "right way". I feel that as a Nmom everything I can possibly do will always be wrong. From the moment I signed those papers, every move I make adoption related will always be wrong. I will always be ridiculed and I will never be understood. My future is sure to be a rough one at some point and I can't help but to just want to drown it out as soon as possible so that it can't even happen. But I'd still be in the wrong for doing that. I feel like I don't even matter. That adoption isn't about me and never should be. But it does have a lot to do with me and I hurt, I feel, I have pain. But who cares? The only thing that will or should ever matter is how Bennett feels. And we're a long way from knowing how he will feel. So, what do I do in the meantime? Because to survive most of the time I just want to move forward and not think about it all as often as I do. I want him to live his life unconfused about "Facetime visits with Rachael." Some stranger who sometimes pops in to watch a tad bit about his life. I want him to grow up as normal as he could. I know that I can't ever make him feel loved. Who loves their child yet "gives them up"? I was 21, I should have been stronger - mentally and emotionally. How did I let this happen? How could I have loved him as much as I love Noel and Lailah if I didn't fight as hard to keep him as I fought to keep Lailah at 18 and Noel? How can I ever let him feel loved and not abandoned and given up on?
Right now I stand in this place of so badly wanting peace. I want to pretend that my child had passed away and he's some sort of clone of my child that they got to take home. He isn't mine. In my head I can't feel like he's mine even though I KNOW he is. He is theirs and who am I to ever stand in the way of that? Amom knows everything about him, just as I know everything about Lailah and Noel. Amom spent all her time coming to love and cherish that little boy when I didn't step up and do it. She has grown attached to him as I have to Lailah over the years. I will never be his mother and I often feel like I don't want to be a nmom. I want to forget and leave him alone with his family to grow up happy and healthy. I want to heal and feel closure.
But at the same time, I don't want to have him show up on my doorstop one day demanding I love him - this adult who is biologically related to me, this adult I grew within me one year many many years before, this adult who is now a stranger. Who I know very little about. Or show up on my doorstop one day questioning how I could do this to him, how I could given up on him, seeking answers that I can't or don't know to give. I don't want any part of it.
I feel selfish and pathetic. But I just want to be able to live, learn, accept, and grow. I want the children I have with me to feel every ounce of love I have to give and never feel like I'd abandon them or leave them behind for strangers too. I want to have faith all will be okay and I want to move forward.
Wrong though, I will always be in the wrong.

Imagine spending so long blocking out a painful memory. Something that eats you alive from the inside. Every waking moment you force yourself eventually, to shut it off or else you cant function. You live inside this deep and dark depression; feeling worthless and pathetic. I mean - you couldn't even keep and raise your own baby. So over the years you turn it off, you fight the urges to kill yourself, and fight the urges to constantly hate and blame yourself. Then one day someone shows up on your doorstop demanding that you love them. You know nothing about this stranger except that you once grew them within your body many many years ago and then "gave up" on them. Everything that you've fought to ignore for so long..... it floods in and it destroys you. You fall to the deepest pits of your barely existing soul and you feel smothered in darkness. You're trapped. Everything is falling apart. You're a monster all over again. There's no escaping the pity you are, the worthlessness, you feel undeserving of every bit of life. You've ruined another persons life. You created life and you ruined it all in one shot. What kind of person are you if you can do that?You created it only to ruin it? You're a failure. You wanted what was best; you wanted protection. But none of that is what is seen or what has happened. You are wrong. You will always be wrong.
Make a choice. You'll be wrong no matter which way you go. You're always wrong; always will be wrong from the moment your hand signed that mini life you made away. Every choice from therein out is wrong too. Keeping the next sibling even, or placing that one too; wrong. Wrong. No move you make can be right. Wanting pictures, updates, wanting to share bits of the adoptees life or keeping your distance and wanting them to live as normal as possible; wrong. Wrong. No move is right. There's no winning. Once your soul is sold to the devil. Or as adoptees would see it, there's no winning once you sell their soul to the devil.