Cloning.

Thinking about Bennett's adoption hurts. Sometimes I feel like I want to make up a fake story and go along with it. Like he died in childbirth or something. It feels like that kind of loss but at the same time though, it isn't. But I feel ashamed to tell people I "gave him up for adoption". I hate it. It sounds and feels so awful. I don't even want to mention it because of the backlash I get. But I hate not being able to mention him - my son, that I carried and delivered. I hate just leaving him out of my birth stories or naming stories. I hate only mentioning Lailah and Noel and acting as if he had never existed, like the pregnancy never happened.
Adoption isn't understood. I either get too much glittery sunshine positivism which negates my feelings or I get insulted and attacked for it. I don't like either. It's unfair. Nobody cares about how I feel though. I'm often told that how I feel doesn't matter and that all that does matter is him and how he feels. I care about him, I really really do, but why don't I matter at all? My pain, my sorrow, my grief - I'm told that it's selfish to feel these things, but I don't know how to stop it. Why can't I make these feelings just go away?
I try to tell myself he's happy and he's doing well. But then I think, "He's happy and doing well, without me." And that really hurts. I then start to think, "Would that mean that Lailah and Noel would be better off without me too?" And I don't know how to find the answer, "No, they are happy and well with you." Because, what if they would be more happy and well with others? And why is the adoption of Bennett okay just because he may be happy and well, which he could have had if he had stayed with me as well?
Sometimes I feel like I do hate myself though because I feel like Bennett isn't mine, in a sense. He is theirs. He was born to me, yes.
But I feel like he was cloned at birth and he was born healthy and well. And in this alternate universe in my imagination - this life I feel I have lived - there was cloning. Cloning was a normal procedure done to help infertile or same sex couples have a baby. It was also a way to protect your own baby. In case the clone of child were to get sick they would have a 100% DNA match. I allowed my precious boy to be cloned so this family could have a baby and to possibly protect and save him in the future. After the cloning process there were two perfect, amazing, gorgeous little boys. But in a short time later doctors noticed that something had gone wrong. The chance of this happening was apparently high but not often told or talked about. The procedure went wrong and he died. It was my fault. I let him get cloned. I allowed this to happen to him. I didn't know all the risks. I was told that he would be fine, that he would be happy and healthy. I was told that everything would be okay. That I was just helping a family grow. I was told that I would be seen as this amazing person who helped bless others with a child. But I feel they lied! Because he is not okay. Now they have his clone - his clone who looks JUST like my child, smiles JUST like my little boy, cries JUST like my precious son. I want him back. I want my baby back. But there is no going back. They are happy as can be as all my pain seeps out of me. They feel pity for me. But they will not allow themselves to feel shame or sorrow. They didn't choose this, I did. They wanted their baby and I just obliged.
I left the hospital empty handed, my breasts seeping wet with milk that was meant for my baby. I wake nightly hallucinating my baby crying for me, I search the house for my son who is no longer with me. I think of them. I need to know the clone, I MUST know his clone. His clone is not him but his clone is like him and I HAVE to know what my son would have been like if he were here with me. I text them begging them to let me see pictures, let me know what he's like, let me know his new milestones, please - anything, just anything at all. It's all I have to hold onto now. The clone is all I have for my sanity to remain intact.
Now they pity me and they are thankful to me for sacrificing my son for them. They thank me constantly and let me know how brave I was to allow such to happen for their happiness. I didn't know this was going to happen. I didn't know I would feel like this. I get some pictures and sometimes a short video, and as happy as it makes me feel that his clone is doing well, thriving, and happy. I relive my grief and pain every single time I get pictures. My head tumbles around and I get thoughts such as, "But he isn't MINE." "HE will never be MINE." "MY baby is GONE. He can't come back!".
The pictures show me what my son MAY have looked like, MAY have sounded like, MAY have had a personality like, MAY have been like. But MAYBE not. Maybe this clone is nothing like my baby would have been, nothing like him at all. And I will never know.
Who knows, maybe one day the clone won't like his life or will feel he never belonged and he will be angry at me too. Maybe one day he will come to me and ask me why I did this to him, why I allowed this to happen. Maybe one day he will want to know me and want to treat me as if I am his mother. Maybe he will...
I don't know how I will respond to that and frankly, it scares me. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I didn't know.