Will that time ever come?

I'm feeling quite depressed.
I got mail from the school I'm trying to attend today which says that there is a mandatory, 2 day, overnight orientation. And it's $40 to attend. Wtf? I can NOT do that. I have a 7 month old I need to be home to nurse and care for and a 6 yr old. I can't leave them both for 2 whole days and overnight, that's crazy! I'm going to contact the school tomorrow to see if there are any other options.
I hate my life. Everyday I get up and I pretend all is well. I pretend that I'm okay. I pretend that I can do this. But it's just pretend. I'm not where I wish I could be and because I'm not, I can't be who I really want to be. I can't be this good mom that I wish to be. I can't even care for my kids and I pretend I can.
We're living in my dads apartment in one bedroom, barely getting by. It's pathetic. Justin is working all the time, nearly everyday, only to bring home less than $200 each week. We are barely scraping by. For the first time in my life I buckled and went and got foodstamps. I feel so weak. I hate this life. I hate that I couldn't have been born to supportive parents who lead me in the right direction. I hate that I had my children so young without being stable. I hate that I feel so alone in everything that I do. I hate it all. I want to cry but I just ignore it and pretend that everything is ok. But it's not.
School is my only way out. It's going to take between 5-7 years for me to get a stable job but it's worth it. But in the meantime, we're trapped. We're trapped and I will continue trying to fake it until I make it. But even then, maybe I won't be happy. I don't know.
Tonight I messaged Liz and asked how they are. She told me they're heading to the beach, which apparently is a super long drive which requires a hotel I guess. I only got 3 pictures. I feel disappointed, although, I should just feel grateful that I got a response at all. But instead I feel sad and disappointed. And out of those 3 pictures is only 1 of him alone. Just one. I then ranted to her about how fucking awful my life is and how shitty of a person I am. Yeah, I don't even care what she thinks about me anymore. Maybe unconsciously I'm trying to destroy the contact we have because it triggers me and it haunts me, and I hate it.

Recently I've been struggling with my relationship with Justin. I don't know what's wrong. I love him so much and I know he loves me. He's loving, kind, caring, supportive, understanding, compassionate, he's everything good that I ever wanted. But I guess I don't feel I deserve it. And when I'm feeling how I have been recently it bothers the fuck out of me. I don't want to tell him how I feel and I don't know why. I don't want him reading over my shoulder to find out what's going on with me. I don't want him to touch me or to kiss me. I just want to be left alone. I don't know what is wrong with me, all I know is that it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I don't want our relationship to be ruined or to fail. I don't want to lose him in my life. But I can't shake or stop how I'm feeling. I don't know what to do. I feel so sad all the time and alone. I just don't know anymore.

I hate how I feel. I hate everything. Whenever I feel like this, I want to give up. I just want to fucking give up. I get all these awful thoughts in my head. Nothing I would follow through with. But they haunt me, torture me. I feel trapped and there is no way out.

Am I going to feel like this for the rest of my life? When will I ever finally be able to say. I am exactly where I want to be and I'm happy. ? Will that time ever come?