I hate that one day I feel good and okay. Then the next day it's like I trip and fall and it's a long climb to get back up to where I was before. Not only do I fall but I feel as if I get all scraped up and injured. I have so much healing to do over and over and over again. I'm tired of the flashbacks haunting me. I'm tired of the nightmares attacking me in my most vulnerable state.
I hate that whenever I try to find peace of comfort in the adoption my head doesn't let me. It comes back firing at me.
"It was what was best for him at the time."
"You also had Lailah at the time, it must have been best to give her away to strangers too."
"He deserved better than what I could provide."
"You had Lailah under worse circumstances and Noel under not much better ones - do they also deserve better than what you can provide."
"I love him enough to protect him and give him more."
"So, you didn't love Lailah and Noel as much, is that what you're saying?"It doesn't stop. It's almost a constant daily internal fight. There's no winning. I lose against myself every time. How can I heal if my internal thoughts keep attacking me?
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