Feeling abandoned.

I've been on edge lately. I want to say, "I don't know what is wrong with me." But that would be a lie. I do know. I feel as if I can't heal or move forward from my past, from things that have hurt me to my very core.
Starting from way way back to when I was little... I feel like I can't heal or move forward from feeling as if my mom never truly loved me or cared about me. I wish I felt as if I was wanted by her but I don't, never have, and I don't think I ever will. It's something I need to learn to heal from and just accept but I don't know how.
After that is feeling as if I was always abandoned or sent away. I can't even tell you how many times I was dropped off at hospitals to stay the day or overnight, or left with therapists or a "big sister". Or sent to dance or cheerleading and forced to go even if I didn't want to or didn't feel good, so that my mom didn't have to parent me. At least that's how it felt to me. I felt like she'd rather pay others to care for me so that she didn't have to be around me. And that is such a shitty feeling. And it sucked even more that I got attached to these people who were in my life more than my own mother was and then they left me too. I was nothing more than a paycheck to anybody that I cared about growing up. And that really hurts, still.
All of my dance teachers and cheer coaches moved on in their lives and forgot about me. All my doctors and nurses that cared for me probably never thought about me once they left work. And my "big sister" - Karen, who I had for 4 years, she left to move to NY and she never looked back. She's never tried to find me. What was I to her? Why did she just abandon me? Why did they all just abandon me?
Then I grew up only to abandon someone I love very very much - my own son. I left him behind at the hospital in NICU with strangers. The difference is is that I think about him everyday. One day I hope to get to know him and have a relationship with him and be there for him. But I don't even know if he'll ever want that from me.

I'm hurting and I feel heartbroken. I feel left and abandoned and I never grieved these losses.

I feel like I never grieve, I never mourn. I don't know why, I don't know what is wrong with me. My great grandmother who I grew up with passed away years ago and I didn't feel anything, I didn't cry. My Uncle Rob and my Aunt Lisa who I grew up with both passed away too and still I felt nothing. Growing up many of my pets passed away and quite a few died tragic awful deaths and nothing. I feel like I have something wrong with bonding.. maybe it's due to all the abandonment I feel I went through.

The only people I can say I truly and honestly have a bond to and are close with are my kids, Justin, and Tom. That's seriously it, I feel. Just them. I love Bennett - but he's not even here for me to bond with. He's probably the only person I've ever mourned to begin with. Which I'm still mourning.

I guess I just had to get that off my chest.

At the moment I'm feeling sort of sad from thinking about all of that. I'm also feeling frustrated. I was trying to clean this room up but Noel was screaming his head off to be held. I picked him up and nursed him down to a nap but this room is still a disaster. Blah.

Well, until next time my fingers hit the keyboard...