I will.

The kids are sleeping - napping. I'm sitting here and I feel sad. I don't really want to feel at all. I'm trying to ignore these emotions stirring inside of me but they feel so strong. I feel alone. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to or anyone who will just listen and try to understand me.
What am I so sad about? I don't really know. It's probably a mixture of a lot of things. I'm broke. I don't feel like I'm the best mom I could be or should be. I feel like my kids deserve more and better than me. I feel like I miss Bennett and I'm the only one that does.
You know, now that I think about it - how everyone feels about Bennett would be exactly how they would feel about losing me. If I were to die or whatever - it's how they would feel, little to nothing if anything at all.
My entire family acts as if it's never happened. Like I was never pregnant, he was never born, and I never suffered any loss. The only person who sometimes ask about Bennett or questions the adoptions and how I feel is Lailah. She's the only one who seems to care at all. I know she would be the only one to really care if I were to die too. But I believe she would be okay and she would move forward in life and gain a career and a family one day. I don't think it would effect her too much.
I honestly feel so alone and I feel that it's one of the worst feelings to feel. Alone. To feel as if nobody honestly cares about you and your wellbeing. That the only reason you are alive is because you care about your own life but you actually have no meaning at all to anyone else around you.
I have my two little ones and that should help me, that should make me feel better, right? But it doesn't. It doesn't because I feel they deserve more and better than me - just like Bennett. I feel they would move forward and get over their loss of me - just like Bennett. That they would forget me and just not really care - like Bennett. So why am I here?

I'm not giving up just yet though. I will do whatever it takes to be the best I can be for my kids. I brought them here, they didn't ask for this. Sure, they probably deserve better. But I'm here right now and I'm TRYING.
I will go to school. I will get good grades. I will graduate with my Masters degree. I will get a good job as a psychologist. I will own my own home one day. I will be able to give my kids more. I will be able to be the mother I aim to be.