Feeling alright.

I haven't been too bad recently. I emotionally feel pretty well, I guess. I'm really excited to start school, although, I know it will require a lot of time and hard work.
Last night I had a nightmare. It was an adoption dream. I seemed to be in some parallel universe where I had placed my 2nd son for adoption as well. It was really awful. I guess in this dream my grandmother had adopted my 2nd son who was named Joel. I got to visit him once or twice a year but it really ruined me. In my dream I remember thinking how it was worse to know him and see him only to be ripped away from him time and time again.
I think my unconscious mind is trying to help me through my adoption with Bennett. I think my brain is trying to find ways to help me heal through this pain I feel often. It's trying to make something that is not okay feel okay. I don't think it will accomplish what it's trying to do though.
The only thing my brain seemed to accomplish is to make me even more Pro-choice. I think if I ever found out I was pregnant when I was in a situation where I knew I couldn't care for another baby at all, I would abort. Because I could never lose another baby to adoption. I don't know how women do it multiple times. I am struggling enough as it is just not having one of my children with me, I couldn't imagine what I would be like mentally and emotionally not having two or more of my children with me. It would ruin me, wreck me to pieces in so many ways.
Right now I am not "ruined" I guess, but mentally and emotionally I struggle. I think of Bennett all the time, I miss him. I wonder about what if's. What if he hates me? What if he never wants to know me? Stuff like that. I also tend to beat myself up about it. I rerun it in my head over and over and over and I try to figure out what I could have possibly done to keep him.
In my dream last night I was doing that, I remember. I was beating myself up about not keeping one of them. I was yelling at myself that I should have figured it out. I needed my babies.
I have to continue moving forward though. I have to continue for Lailah, Noel, and Bennett. I have to move forward and be a mom that they could feel proud of and happy to call their mom. I don't know what Bennett will feel or think about me. But I hope one day when we meet that he sees an accomplished women who did what she felt was best for him at the time who was strong enough to push through each day to make something of herself. To take the awful hand she was dealt and work with it, build upon it. I hope he'll forgive me.

In other thoughts of my head:
I can't get onto the student portal for school. I've called the school and so has my mom about it. Apparently they don't have my birth date in the system and therefore I can not log on. I'm going to call back on Monday and possibly even go there to try to fix everything. It's really freaking annoying and honestly a pain. I'm hoping I can figure out what my classes are so that I can buy the books ahead of time. I am so freaking excited and proud of myself!
I've been feeling really good recently. Not much depression or sadness. I do feel stressed and such and money is tight and that overwhelms me. But I'm doing well.
I have an amazing fiance who is just incredible, he's always here for me and supportive and loving.
I have two absolutely beautiful and amazing little ones who just mean the world to me. They're both just super good and loving children. I couldn't have gotten more lucky.
And I have an amazing best friend who although we don't talk to each other every single day, we always keep in touch and pick up wherever we left off. I can tell him and talk to him about anything.