I actually like this new therapist.

Things are going okay. Tomorrow we meet with a midwife that we would like to have work with us during our next pregnancy journey. This past week things have been a whole lot better than they were the week before. I got to talk to my therapist and I really like her a lot. Her name is Erica. She seems super intelligent, a lot more intelligent than any therapist that I've had previously. Last appointment we were talking about what happened the Tuesday before... which I wrote about in a previous blog post. She really helped me peel open parts of myself to better understand what is going on with me and why... obviously because of my past trauma history but hearing her explain that what I go through are coping mechanisms really put things into a different perspective for me. It sort of felt like a "aha" moment and I felt like I should have put the pieces together before but I didn't. I'm not sure why... probably because it's about myself and I get sort of blind when it comes to stuff about myself for some reason. I was explaining to her how I feel like my inner child "comes out" and how I feel like I am impulsive and that it's hard to control myself. That I do outrageous things to feel or be heard, because as a child I feel like I was ignored unless I did something outrageous enough to get attention, any kind of attention. I just wanted to feel heard and not ignored. I also explained how I want Justin there for me but at the same time, I don't. And what she said was, I put up these barriers so that I won't appear or feel vulnerable. And that clicked for me. I don't know why I hadn't previously thought of it. It felt like I found a piece to my puzzle. That because I know that it's vulnerability that scares me that I can now work on it and work on changing it. She was explaining back to me that I have two layers of this vulnerability protection mechanism... the first piece is that I get angry and I "can't" explain that I'm upset or angry or scared or worried etc. Because admitting it would mean that I'm vulnerable and being vulnerable as a child wasn't safe. If my parents knew that I was any type of emotion I was shamed, humiliated, bullied, or hit for feeling those ways. So now as an adult I really struggle with telling my husband or others how I am feeling and what I feel like I need to get through the emotions. I'm afraid to show vulnerability even though now I am safe to do so with my husband or even my best friend. It feels extremely hard letting that barrier come down. The second piece is that even though I want him there with me that I don't want him touching me or comforting me etc. is also because of vulnerability.. receiving that is scary to me because it is so different and strange to me. Accepting comfort or love is so foreign in those emotional states that its frightening and it's opening myself up to vulnerability. It makes sense... but now working on it so that I can feel better and get through these strong episodes in a more healthy and positive way is the next step. I feel like for the first time in my life that I have found someone who can actually help me through this pain and trauma that I carry around with me daily. That maybe I am not "too broken" to be helped or "fixed". That with her help that maybe I can actually grow into the person that I want to be and that I've been fighting to be on my own for so long with little direction. I'm also hoping that this therapy will help me become a friend to myself, to trust myself, to learn to depend on myself and not be afraid of myself. I'm hoping that eventually I will be able to come off my medication and not need it to feel good or happy. We will see..

Terrible terrible night.

I had a really difficult night last night.. :(
I ran out of my medication on Monday. On Tuesday I called my psychiatrists office for a refill and they sent it over to the pharmacy. But the pharmacy didn't have any and had to order more.. so Tuesday night I wasn't able to take my medication. So yesterday.... during the day I was ok but I felt strange all day. Then I got home and I was starting to feel depressed and a little unsafe but it wasn't too bad at that time... so I took a nap as Justin went to my moms to do laundry.
When I woke up Justin wasn't home yet with the kids and the laundry.. I increasingly got nervous at being home alone but I kept myself distracted. When they got home it was around 9:15 and I was pretty upset that it was so late. I hadn't eaten and I was really hungry but I didn't want to eat something quick like cereal or waffles because that's pretty much all I've been eating most days. I didn't want Justin to cook for me either because I had wanted to spend time with him before work so that maybe I could feel safer with him next to me helping me calm down.. so this all triggered me even more.
The kids fell asleep and it was just Justin and I awake and he started getting ready to leave and I had already told him that I was feeling unsafe, I was scared, I didn't want to be alone, that I was feeling depressed and had a lot of self harm and suicidal thoughts torturing me inside my head. I really didn't want to be alone with the kids. So when he went to leave me I felt very unheard and I felt like myself stuck inside of my inner child. I HATE when I feel stuck inside of my body. And n .2 seconds flat my arm reached out and swiped the side table near our bed and I knocked everything off of it - even the lamp my gramma gave me which shattered. :( Justin then cleaned it up and he tried to talk to me but I couldn't talk at all.
I ended up being able to text to him telling him what I felt and that I needed him.
He stayed home with me to help me with the rest of the night. We went in the shower and he held me as I cried and cried. When we got out he made me some food and I called Tom and talked to him on the phone as Justin cooked and while I ate. Then we went to bed and I felt a lot better after crying and having Justin there to be with me, hold me, and support me.
I told my mom what was going on and I asked her to contact my boss for me. I worry about losing my job but I was just not in any good condition to go to work today... especially since I was really looking towards my therapy tonight, because I felt like, idk, like it would be beneficial or helpful for me to talk to her about it, but it was cancelled because she is sick. :(
I feel a little bit better this morning but I  still feel sort of down... idk, idk anymore.
I feel like a failure. I lost control of myself. I had very little impulse control.. I HATE that my past still has so much control over my future... I feel like it's due to my past because last night when I was talking to Tom I was thinking about why I react in such a strong way. What I thought of was how in my childhood whenever I felt ignored or unheard I felt the only way to get my parents attention at all to take me seriously was to react extremely strongly. I now feel like when I get to that point it's sort of like impulse for me. Much like slamming my head used to be. I have been doing a lot better with not self harming.. but now I really have to work on this impulsivity part of it. :( I'm angry, upset, and disappointed with myself. I hate even more that I need medication in order to remain semi sane. I feel broken.. I obviously have a bunch of shit wrong with me and that really upsets me. I've been working on myself for so long now and I still am not where I want to be, I am still struggling a lot - and I hate it, it makes me feel like I hate myself. I wish I could be who I want to be all the time.

Being angry is okay.

I'm so mad and angry at my parents.
I'm mad that they fucked up my developing brain as a child and they didn't let me grow up healthily.
Now I'm left as an adult trying to reprogram my brain, form new synapses, erase old habits and behaviors...
They didn't even want me.
I never felt loved by them..
I just wanted to feel loved by them. I just wanted my mom to hold me and tell me she loved me and that she was there for me and that she would always be there to help me through anything.. but she wasn't.. she wasn't there. She would just leave me in my room alone crying hysterically and hyperventilating shouting at me to shut up and get over it...
I just wanted them to love me... they chose not to.. I know that they had trauma themselves from their past... but I can't understand not trying to love your children.
I was told so many times that my mom didn't want me to be a girl and that she was disappointed that I was born with redhair.. I reminded her of my dads brothers who she hates.
It's not fair.. I didn't ask to be born to parents who can't love.
Or who choose not to.
Why couldn't my parents love me enough to end the cycle of abuse?
Why was it always me? Why only me? Moe got some spankings but she never got beaten like I did...
I was taught that that was my own fault.. If I had just been more afraid of them, if I hadn't spoken up, and defended myself... if I didn't speak of the injustice in the household... then they wouldn't have hurt me.
Most days I hate myself...
I hate that I struggle with being who I WANT to be... instead of who I am.
I hate that I am so addicted to my phone, which I am because it keeps my anxiety at bay...
I hate that I struggle interacting with Lailah when she is demanding so much from me because I shut down and get sort of paralyzed...
I hate that I sometimes yell at Noel when he triggers me by hitting or kicking me...
I hate that I feel so distant from Justin and that I often don't want him on me, kissing me, or showing any type of sexual interest in me.. I hate that it makes me feel claustrophobic and overwhelmed.. I hate that it bothers me so much...

I hate that I have as much trauma and struggle that I do.. and I'm angry at my parents, I'm angry at Steve, I'm angry that I got fucking pregnant... I'm angry at it all. And I hate it. I didn't ask for this... I didn't ask to be born to parents who didn't want me, or to be raped by a psychotic guy, or to be ovulating around that fucking time. WHY me?
Now I feel pathetic... I feel like there are worse things that could be happening..
I have a best friend, a husband, and two healthy children. I am so lucky that I even have those people in my life.. and they're HEALTHY. They are safe.. I wish I could feel more grateful for what I have...

I need to be more easy with myself.. this is part of healing.. part of healing is venting and I shouldn't feel ashamed of that (this is what my higher self is telling me right now...)

She's saying... It's ok to let it out, it's ok to be upset and angry... just because others have struggles too doesn't mean yours aren't valid... it doesn't mean that you shouldn't express them so that you can heal..

I'm trying..  I am trying so hard...

She knows.. She knows I'm trying and she's here to help me through it..
We'll get through it together.

Finally - tears.

I hate people.
I feel like I'm drowning tonight.
I don't really know what is going on. I'm just feeling so sad. I think it started because I got triggered earlier on an adoption support group because I said I wished that there was an adoption loss or a family preservation symbol and some woman said something that didn't even make sense.. Idk why it triggered me but it did... and I was ok at first but then my husband left for work and now I'm here alone with my sleeping toddler... and I stumbled on a post a facebook friend made about abortion and a poster on it said that 90% of raped women keep their babies and heal from the rape and the others that get abortions remain traumatized by it.. and I then got really triggered and fed into it and said I wish I had an abortion and that adoption had ruined me so severely that I have trouble coping and he told me I need God in my life and severe mental help. And I went off on him like Who the fuck are you?! He tried telling me nobody forced me to give my baby up but he wasn't n my life, he doesn't know what I lived through...
and I tried to reach out to my best friend but food was more important to him so I gave up and now I don't want to talk to him... and now I'm sitting here crying and breaking down.

I miss my son... I miss my baby... and I can't even get that back. I can't undo my past... I can't turn back time... I can't be stronger... I hate what this has done to me and I don't know how to move forward... How does one cope with not having their child? I don't know how to do it anymore.. it hurts so much. And I have my 2 year old Noel and I love him so much... but it is so hard watching him grow because he's a constant reminder of everything I've missed out on and will continue to miss out on with my first son. And I hate that... I should be able to just enjoy him.. I should be able to just enjoy parenting my children and I can't... I am on edge and frustrated and aggravated all the time... I feel like I don't deserve them all the time, no matter how hard I try to work on myself, no matter how good of a mom I try to be for them... I try so hard to prove to myself that I deserve them and I am a good mom but I just don't always feel that way...

I'm sorry... I'm a mess right now..
Tears rolling down my face... it actually feels pretty good to release it... it feels so good to finally be able to cry..

I feel like seeing him, meeting him... it wouldn't even help. It would make it harder and the pain worse. He isn't my baby.. he is their almost 5 year old son. My baby is gone... he's just gone. He will never be back. I just have to somehow accept that.

I "just" don't know.

Justin just left for work and I'm home alone with Noel. I'm feeling sort of down.. sad. I miss spending time with my husband. I miss cuddling with him and watching shows. I hate feeling so alone. I wish I had someone to talk to but I don't even have that. I should probably just head to sleep... Justin will be here in the morning... although, he will be heading to sleep. I wish I had something, anything - to help me feel happier or more positive... I have Noel, but he is also sleeping - nursing in my lap, but sleeping.. 
Idk why I feel so sad... lately my depression has been a lot better, my suicidal thoughts have gone away... but I often feel so sensitive, I feel like crying so much.. I know recently I've been doing a lot of inner work.. therapy, reading, etc. But still.. I hate feeling so sad like this.
I was reading old journal posts that I had written back before I had even started seeing Mark.. back 5 years ago or so now... and everything I wanted, I finally got - yet I am still not happy it seems. I begged for someone to love me and a friend.. and I got both. I have my best friend Tom and my amazing husband Justin... I have two incredible children. I now own my own apartment, I have a car, and we are warm, fed, and clothed. We own two dogs... My husband and I both have full time jobs.. what more could I ask for? I have everything I could have ever ever ever gotten in life. I am so much more lucky than most of the population who will never meet one incredible person in their life - nevermind two.. and have amazing children.
It's always "I just... I just..." with me.. but when I get what I "just" want, it doesn't seem like enough. Idk what will help me anymore.. I just don't know.

Parenting from the Inside Out - book.

I've started reading a book called Parenting from the Inside Out. And I was about to pick it up and read it but then it triggered a thought about my past coping mechanisms. I had a flashback to howout of control I used to get - how far I pushed things for just a little bit of attention and it instantly made me want to cry. I learned over time to put my life in danger or to harm myself just to get enough attention to feel like I was actually cares about or loved. Thinking about that feels so painful and it hurts. I've come a long way on reprogramming those coping mechanisms, although, sometimes it still feels difficult if I get triggered enough. I just felt this was important to journal... to get out. It stirs up quite a bit of emotion in me.

This is another piece I wrote the other day in regards to this book I am reading:
I'm realizing that when my daughter is around my stress levels goes way up. I love her to death. I'm not sure why I have this response. The book says it's due to implicit and explicit memories. It has nothing to do with her but with my past. My body feels tense, I feel claustrophobic, like I have trouble breathing, and I stay on my phone more as a way to "check out" from the stressors around me. This is step one and two. First realizing what triggers me, Acknowledging when I'm heating up, notice and observe my responses.
The second step is expanding my observations to include reflections on the possible implicit nature of my responses- bodily sensations.
I feel annoyed and stressed out.
I'm pretty sure it's due to the way my parents reacted to me when I was a child. I came to hate myself when I was little and I think my daughter reminds me so much of myself so it makes me uncomfortable. It reminds me of me and my own behaviors that I was forced to stop to prevent getting in trouble, hit, shamed, or humiliated. And those things memories probably are what gives me these bodily responses now.
I don't know what to do next but these are the first few steps. I will continue to reflect on my implicit and explicit memories.

I'm still working on this part of it..

Purest of all love.

Yesterday was a bit rough. I went to my therapy appointment with Erica and for the first time I actually verbally told my whole adoption story front to back. I did ok with most of it but I started crying when I started talking directly about Bennett and my first time seeing him and holding him. I felt like Erica thought I was lying about some parts of my story though because of her facial expressions. Especially when I told her that I was told I would have to cover the prospective couples adoption fee/deposit if I didn't go through with the adoption. But I continued on telling my story anyway - it just kept rolling out I guess. After the appointment I went out to my car and sat there for 20 mins crying. Not hysterically but crying nonetheless. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to feel anymore. And I realized that I definitely don't want to tell the story ever again. People keep telling me that I will feel better, that talking about it helps, that I will heal - and maybe they're right, or maybe they are only telling me their own personal experiences and hoping the same for me. But what I know is that I have yet to feel better or healed. The medication helps keep the suicidal thoughts away. I have better control of my thoughts and behaviors. But the underlying sadness is still there - just not as disabling.
I didn't text Liz in February either... I'm not sure why.. I just kept putting it off. Maybe having the FaceTime visit just made it all a little bit harder for me. I don't really know. What I DO know is that I don't want to keep feeling the pain I do because of all of this. But then again, I don't get to choose what I feel and what's done is done, can't go back and change the past. And even if I could, I'm not so sure I would anymore. I used to say for sure that I would go back in time and keep him, better yet had never met the guy who did all this to me to begin with. But now  I have Justin and Noel and they are such HUGE pieces in my life, huge people that I view as part of my own identity - their mother and wife. I can't change this now because I can't imagine them not being in my life. I can't imagine what my life would look like right now without them. Everything that happened with Bennett, although it's the most painful thing I have ever experienced, had to happen just as it had for me to have met Justin and have created Noel. I'm not trying to say that Justin and Noel are more important than Bennett but that I just can't even try to imagine my life without them in it now. I guess I would say the exact same thing had I kept Bennett... It's really hard to let people go, especially people that you love and care about to the extent that you would do anything to put them first at all times, even if that means sacrificing yourself and your own health and happiness. Love that is deeper than your own self, your own being. The purest love of all.

Painting :)

I finally put up some photos in the living room; one of them is a painting I painted myself! I really like it. I went painting at Muse Paintbar with my Aunt Linda last Wednesday, it was a lot of fun!! We painted trees in front of a water view that has a mountain in it. It was nice going out with my aunt and spending some time with her. I don't really know why she has been so kind to me and shown such an interest in my life but I'm happy that she has. She is one of the few people who have shown themselves to care about me. My Aunt Cindy has been another aunt who has also shown herself to care about me. Funny thing is that neither are actually my aunt. My Aunt Linda is my parents ex best friend and my Aunt Cindy is my Uncle Mike's wife. I love them both so much and I am grateful that they're both in my life. I really miss my Aunt Cindy though, I haven't talked to her in a while. I should message her soon.

I've been alright lately, just working and trying to get this apartment turned into a home. I'm going to start painting furniture and pictures for the apartment soon. Nothing more to talk about. At least that is how I feel right now. I don't feel any strong emotions or anything. I'm going to go watch The Walking Dead with Justin before bed. Then sleep, then work, then home, repeat... You know how it is. Survival.

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