Justin went today after work to a school that offers an HVAC-R program. He got in. He will start on August 15 of this year and graduate Oct of 2017. It's a somewhat long road but it will be worth it in the end. I'm proud of him but I am nervous at the same time. He will be working from 7-3 like he does and now going to school from 5-10pm. I will miss him a lot but it will, in the long run, give us our freedom back and we will have some money to help us out as well. I am hoping that this will be a new beginning for us financially.
Next Tuesday I plan on going to DHS to try to get food stamps... yet again. We desperately need them and this time they can't deny us since we only have one income and literally can't afford food.
We just spent money on food even though our bank will more than likely be in the negatives by this time next week. Rent has to be paid on the first and car insurance will pull out soon after that. We don't have enough to cover it and won't even with Justin's upcoming checks being put in.
BUT I think we will survive this so I am trying to keep a cool head and not get all worked up. If worse comes to worse I will ask to borrow money from my dad and if he can't then I will put my pride aside, call my grandma, and ask her. Not what I would like to do, so that is worse case scenario...
BUT I think things will work out. We are trying here. We are doing our best with the cards life has dealt us.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
The answers are inside. And I will find them... one day.
What do I NEED?
I have no idea what I need. Love. I guess. I need to LOVE myself. I just don't know how to do that. I often think I NEED friends, I NEED someone else to love me, but no amount of friends or external love will make me feel whole because I am not whole on the inside. I need to figure out how to accept myself and love myself. How does one love themselves when their whole childhood they weren't taught what love truly was? How does one accept themselves when their whole childhood they were not accepted?
I NEED to love me.
I NEED to accept me.
I NEED to find out who I am.
Who AM I?
I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a woman, I am caring, I am compassionate, I am a best friend, I am someone who likes to read, I am a human rights advocate, I am firm in my beliefs, I am passionate, that's all I can think about right now.
I think I need to find more time to cry, find time to connect with my emotions and express them. I abandon myself when I ignore my own emotions. I abandon myself just as my parents always had. I don't sit with myself when I am hurting, I don't love myself through it and I should. I shouldn't feel ashamed. I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable and scared because I was taught that emotions were not safe. I was taught that if I showed emotions I was annoying and I would be harmed.
I feel sad and I have been wanting to cry but I'm not sure what I am sad about. I must have it repressed pretty deeply. I keep getting the thought that I just want to be loved. And I know I am loved so it's not necessarily that I want to be loved because my husband loves me and my kids love me and Tom loves me. So, it's not love itself. I think I want my mom to love me, that hits a chord with me. Because I feel like she never has, never will, and literally can't. That hurts. I have to somehow learn to accept that though.
I have no idea what I need. Love. I guess. I need to LOVE myself. I just don't know how to do that. I often think I NEED friends, I NEED someone else to love me, but no amount of friends or external love will make me feel whole because I am not whole on the inside. I need to figure out how to accept myself and love myself. How does one love themselves when their whole childhood they weren't taught what love truly was? How does one accept themselves when their whole childhood they were not accepted?
I NEED to love me.
I NEED to accept me.
I NEED to find out who I am.
Who AM I?
I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a woman, I am caring, I am compassionate, I am a best friend, I am someone who likes to read, I am a human rights advocate, I am firm in my beliefs, I am passionate, that's all I can think about right now.
I think I need to find more time to cry, find time to connect with my emotions and express them. I abandon myself when I ignore my own emotions. I abandon myself just as my parents always had. I don't sit with myself when I am hurting, I don't love myself through it and I should. I shouldn't feel ashamed. I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable and scared because I was taught that emotions were not safe. I was taught that if I showed emotions I was annoying and I would be harmed.
I feel sad and I have been wanting to cry but I'm not sure what I am sad about. I must have it repressed pretty deeply. I keep getting the thought that I just want to be loved. And I know I am loved so it's not necessarily that I want to be loved because my husband loves me and my kids love me and Tom loves me. So, it's not love itself. I think I want my mom to love me, that hits a chord with me. Because I feel like she never has, never will, and literally can't. That hurts. I have to somehow learn to accept that though.
Thanks mom, for fucking me up.
Last week my therapist broke the news to me that she is moving out of state and I would have to stop seeing her. I broke down and cried pretty hard and came home and cried even more. Next Weds will be my last appt with her and that frightens me. I am so afraid of opening up to someone new. I'm afraid to tell someone personal things about myself only for them to hurt me more than help me heal which has happened before finding Erika. I am afraid to find someone that I feel can't understand me or isn't on my mental level. It scares me. I already feel broken enough, I don't need it made anymore worse.
On a different note, we're really financially struggling. We only have 600 in our account at the moment and we have pretty much no food in the house. We have eggs, bread, and pasta. That's pretty much all we have. On Friday Justin will be getting paid which will put out bank at around 900 but 800 will be going to rent and then our bank will be going in the negatives once car insurance pulls out. Next week after the 4th passes I will be going to try to get food stamps. Hopefully that will help us out and we will still be able to afford next months rent and car insurance without going into the negatives again. I'm hoping that since our account will be in the negatives that they'll approve us for food stamps right away.
I don't like living "off the system" but they really make it difficult now a days to live without it, especially for people who struggle with mental illness and are already in poverty. My hope is that with therapy and my medication that one day I will function better than this point in my life where I am at currently and I will be able to get a job that makes me feel successful one day.
Today in therapy I talked to Erika about things that Lailah says or does that makes me feel inadequate, makes me feel like I am being used, that she doesn't love me as I wish she would, and that I feel worthless and unneeded. But all of that is untrue. The truth is that those things that I feel have nothing to do with Lailah at all but everything to do with the pain and trauma my mom put me through when I was a child. Lailah is just trying to find her place in the world. She is never trying to deliberately hurt my feelings, she loves me so very very much. She cares about me tremendously. But she's exploring herself and trying to get her needs met in the only ways she knows how. She is also trying to find comfort in figuring out her own ways and things she likes and dislikes while asking for my approval. My mom really fucked me up. My mom made me feel so worthless, stupid, unwanted, like I wasn't enough, that I was uncared about, bad, and unnecessary. She made me hate myself. And although I don't hate myself now and I don't consciously believe those things. I believe I am good and that I do my best to be the best person I know how every day. But I guess I don't always believe those things because I often feel I am not enough for my children, that I am worthless to them because I can't provide. I try to make up for that in my parenting, I honestly try to be the best mom I can be. I try to be everything my mom never was for me for them. I struggle with it a lot because I've never had it but I read a lot and I work on it as much as I can. I am not perfect but I am proud of how far I've come as a person. But financially, I feel like I have nothing to offer. It's difficult.
And people say, "Just get a job, just go back to work, blah blah blah." But they don't understand what it's like for someone that struggles with a mental illness. I do better mentally and emotionally when I am at home. I do worse when I am at a job being unappreciated. I wish Justin could get a good paying job but in order to do that he has to be able to attend school which is near impossible when he's working full time. It's not an easy world out here. And I'm just not sure what to do.
On a different note, we're really financially struggling. We only have 600 in our account at the moment and we have pretty much no food in the house. We have eggs, bread, and pasta. That's pretty much all we have. On Friday Justin will be getting paid which will put out bank at around 900 but 800 will be going to rent and then our bank will be going in the negatives once car insurance pulls out. Next week after the 4th passes I will be going to try to get food stamps. Hopefully that will help us out and we will still be able to afford next months rent and car insurance without going into the negatives again. I'm hoping that since our account will be in the negatives that they'll approve us for food stamps right away.
I don't like living "off the system" but they really make it difficult now a days to live without it, especially for people who struggle with mental illness and are already in poverty. My hope is that with therapy and my medication that one day I will function better than this point in my life where I am at currently and I will be able to get a job that makes me feel successful one day.
Today in therapy I talked to Erika about things that Lailah says or does that makes me feel inadequate, makes me feel like I am being used, that she doesn't love me as I wish she would, and that I feel worthless and unneeded. But all of that is untrue. The truth is that those things that I feel have nothing to do with Lailah at all but everything to do with the pain and trauma my mom put me through when I was a child. Lailah is just trying to find her place in the world. She is never trying to deliberately hurt my feelings, she loves me so very very much. She cares about me tremendously. But she's exploring herself and trying to get her needs met in the only ways she knows how. She is also trying to find comfort in figuring out her own ways and things she likes and dislikes while asking for my approval. My mom really fucked me up. My mom made me feel so worthless, stupid, unwanted, like I wasn't enough, that I was uncared about, bad, and unnecessary. She made me hate myself. And although I don't hate myself now and I don't consciously believe those things. I believe I am good and that I do my best to be the best person I know how every day. But I guess I don't always believe those things because I often feel I am not enough for my children, that I am worthless to them because I can't provide. I try to make up for that in my parenting, I honestly try to be the best mom I can be. I try to be everything my mom never was for me for them. I struggle with it a lot because I've never had it but I read a lot and I work on it as much as I can. I am not perfect but I am proud of how far I've come as a person. But financially, I feel like I have nothing to offer. It's difficult.
And people say, "Just get a job, just go back to work, blah blah blah." But they don't understand what it's like for someone that struggles with a mental illness. I do better mentally and emotionally when I am at home. I do worse when I am at a job being unappreciated. I wish Justin could get a good paying job but in order to do that he has to be able to attend school which is near impossible when he's working full time. It's not an easy world out here. And I'm just not sure what to do.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
I can't be a hero. :(
I've been feeling a lot of very strong intense emotions today. I have been seeing so much trauma everywhere I look, it's all over the place, so much pain...
A 2 year old has been eaten by an alligator, he was attacked at a Disney resort while vacationing with his parents.
A 13 year old was raped, potentially by her brother, carried her baby and CPS came and kidnapped him from her.
A 3 year old had climbed into a gorilla enclosure at a zoo and the gorilla was shot and killed.
These are just the most recent terrible things that have happened that I just can barely tolerate. I hate the world. I hate other humans.
Today for the first time ever I have actually craved morphine/other strong medical grade painkilling medications. Because they make me feel so relieved. Not just physically either. I have never ever craved these medications in my life before today and yet, boom here I am. I am so bent out of shape.
What kind of world is this? There is so much pain, trauma, and hurt everywhere. And idk how to help. I just wish I could help save people from these traumas and pain. I wish I could be their hero.
A 2 year old has been eaten by an alligator, he was attacked at a Disney resort while vacationing with his parents.
A 13 year old was raped, potentially by her brother, carried her baby and CPS came and kidnapped him from her.
A 3 year old had climbed into a gorilla enclosure at a zoo and the gorilla was shot and killed.
These are just the most recent terrible things that have happened that I just can barely tolerate. I hate the world. I hate other humans.
Today for the first time ever I have actually craved morphine/other strong medical grade painkilling medications. Because they make me feel so relieved. Not just physically either. I have never ever craved these medications in my life before today and yet, boom here I am. I am so bent out of shape.
What kind of world is this? There is so much pain, trauma, and hurt everywhere. And idk how to help. I just wish I could help save people from these traumas and pain. I wish I could be their hero.
Fucked up population.
Each week that I go to therapy I realize more and more that every single issue and problem that I have has to do with my mom. How she fucked up so badly on parenting me. It's very difficult to just "get over it" since it's literal trauma to my brain. My brain is fucking damaged because of her.
Apparently, I don't have "boundaries" that separate me from other people - in the sense that their behaviors effect me so deeply as if they were my own behaviors. At least that's what my therapist has said. I feel that she is right because I get so riled up and so hurt and upset by other's actions. She told me that I have to grieve that I can't change other people.
I apparently feel so strongly about other's behaviors due to the trauma from my mom. What it comes down to is that I don't want other people to feel the ways that I do. I don't want them to have to heal from their parents fucking them up. I don't want them to feel or to be damaged. And thinking about other people hurting their children or others in a way that harms them makes me very angry and feeling overwhelmed.
When I start to feel angry, overwhelmed, and frustrated I think to myself that I hate being part of this specie, I hate being human, I just feel so disappointed in society. It sort of makes me hate myself simply for being "one of them". That's where the lack of boundaries is. Logically, they are not me and I "shouldn't" feel any sort of negative way about myself because of them, but I feel like I just can't help it. I feel like it's something I don't really choose to feel but I just do.
I don't know how to heal from this. I don't know how to just accept other people. I don't even know if I would want to because I feel that if I were to that I truly would become a monster. Monsters are people that look the other way and allow injustice and harm to happen without doing anything about it. I wish I could somehow be a hero that could help prevent bad things from happening, so that I could help people, so that I could be a part of the greater good. I just wish that humans weren't so fucked up, but the large majority are, and that hurts. It's a fucked up population.
Apparently, I don't have "boundaries" that separate me from other people - in the sense that their behaviors effect me so deeply as if they were my own behaviors. At least that's what my therapist has said. I feel that she is right because I get so riled up and so hurt and upset by other's actions. She told me that I have to grieve that I can't change other people.
I apparently feel so strongly about other's behaviors due to the trauma from my mom. What it comes down to is that I don't want other people to feel the ways that I do. I don't want them to have to heal from their parents fucking them up. I don't want them to feel or to be damaged. And thinking about other people hurting their children or others in a way that harms them makes me very angry and feeling overwhelmed.
When I start to feel angry, overwhelmed, and frustrated I think to myself that I hate being part of this specie, I hate being human, I just feel so disappointed in society. It sort of makes me hate myself simply for being "one of them". That's where the lack of boundaries is. Logically, they are not me and I "shouldn't" feel any sort of negative way about myself because of them, but I feel like I just can't help it. I feel like it's something I don't really choose to feel but I just do.
I don't know how to heal from this. I don't know how to just accept other people. I don't even know if I would want to because I feel that if I were to that I truly would become a monster. Monsters are people that look the other way and allow injustice and harm to happen without doing anything about it. I wish I could somehow be a hero that could help prevent bad things from happening, so that I could help people, so that I could be a part of the greater good. I just wish that humans weren't so fucked up, but the large majority are, and that hurts. It's a fucked up population.
Friday, June 10, 2016
I'm not a perfect parent but I am proud of the parent I am.
For the first time ever in my 8 years of parenting I felt like I wanted to hit my 2.5 year old.
BARE WITH ME HERE.
He woke up and asked for water. I got him water. He wanted me to pour it in the cap - I explained we couldn't do that because it was too small. He got angry and threw the cap on the floor. I tried to offer the water and he screamed and pushed it away so I put it down, before I could say anything he got up and kicked the water bottle over (there wasn't enough in it to spill thankfully). I gently asked for him to pick the water bottle up and hand it back to me.
He grabbed his toy hammer - made a super angry face and then chucked the hammer at me, hitting me. It REALLY hurt! (I was already previously angry due to a struggling relationship with my best friend, we were having a heated type discussion online right before so I know that's what triggered me to get even more upset) I saw red. I took in a deep breath as I felt every fiber of my being to just want to hit him back (which I would NEVER ever do.)
I shouted at him, "OW!!! That really hurt! You threw that at me and it hit me! That REALLY hurt!!". He stood there and started crying. Directly after that I reached out to a gf of mine online quickly and explained the situation to her to gain some control over myself and insight. (it only took a minute or two).
He then came up and sat in my lap and wanted to breastfeed. I told him "No, this is my body and I don't want to nurse right now. I feel hurt." He continued crying. I told him, "My arm hurts. You threw that at me and it hurt me." He cried more.
I then remembered this meme,
Once that thought was triggered I felt bad and I asked for a hug. Noel laid into my chest and hugged me and I held him back.
I then said, "I think we both should do some breathing together." (I taught him deep breathing a few months ago) So we did breathing together. He doesn't know how to breathe in too well yet but he makes the whoosh sound as he breathes out which does help him slow his breathing. Once we both calmed down, I said,
"I'm really sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn't have yelled. I was hurt and I'm sorry."
he then replied, "I'm sorry".
I said, "thank you for apologizing too. I love you."
He then nursed and laid down next to and went back to sleep.
I didn't handle it perfectly, I am not a perfect parent or a perfect person, but I am proud of our result that we made together.
BARE WITH ME HERE.
He woke up and asked for water. I got him water. He wanted me to pour it in the cap - I explained we couldn't do that because it was too small. He got angry and threw the cap on the floor. I tried to offer the water and he screamed and pushed it away so I put it down, before I could say anything he got up and kicked the water bottle over (there wasn't enough in it to spill thankfully). I gently asked for him to pick the water bottle up and hand it back to me.
He grabbed his toy hammer - made a super angry face and then chucked the hammer at me, hitting me. It REALLY hurt! (I was already previously angry due to a struggling relationship with my best friend, we were having a heated type discussion online right before so I know that's what triggered me to get even more upset) I saw red. I took in a deep breath as I felt every fiber of my being to just want to hit him back (which I would NEVER ever do.)
I shouted at him, "OW!!! That really hurt! You threw that at me and it hit me! That REALLY hurt!!". He stood there and started crying. Directly after that I reached out to a gf of mine online quickly and explained the situation to her to gain some control over myself and insight. (it only took a minute or two).
He then came up and sat in my lap and wanted to breastfeed. I told him "No, this is my body and I don't want to nurse right now. I feel hurt." He continued crying. I told him, "My arm hurts. You threw that at me and it hurt me." He cried more.
I then remembered this meme,
I then said, "I think we both should do some breathing together." (I taught him deep breathing a few months ago) So we did breathing together. He doesn't know how to breathe in too well yet but he makes the whoosh sound as he breathes out which does help him slow his breathing. Once we both calmed down, I said,
"I'm really sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn't have yelled. I was hurt and I'm sorry."
he then replied, "I'm sorry".
I said, "thank you for apologizing too. I love you."
He then nursed and laid down next to and went back to sleep.
I didn't handle it perfectly, I am not a perfect parent or a perfect person, but I am proud of our result that we made together.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
I feel worthless
Idk what is going on with me today. I am feeling sad and depressed. I feel like crying. I feel like I don't have any hope, that things won't get better, that my life won't improve, and that in turn my children will suffer. I feel worthless and pathetic and angry at who I am - useless and broken. The only reason I am not working and don't want to go back to work is because it mentally and emotionally destroys me. If I was a "normal" person it wouldn't. But I'm not normal... I'm damaged and broken beyond repair. I can't handle the stress and the separation from my family. It literally tears me apart and I am so afraid of having to go back to that again.
At first I was feeling really depressed but then I started wishing I could just get wasted drunk or high so that I could just stop caring about emotions for a little while. I understand why the generation before mine was all fucked up and they turned to alcohol and drugs to handle their pain and stress. I want to be stronger and more willful than they were. And I believe I will be. But at the same time, it sucks. Life sucks. I'm honestly starting to believe that Earth is Hell.
The things I want in life feel out of reach and I don't feel that I want too much. I just want to feel financially secure and have my family - grow my family and share love and health. I want to be able to take my kids out on trips to the park, the zoo, restaurants, museums, and the like... I want to be able to explore and find thrill in little experiences. I want to feel successful as a human being.
I feel like I can't be who I want to be for my husband, for my children, for friends, or for anyone. I feel like I should be a lot more; better for others. I should be able to help support my family alongside my husband, I should be able to play and entertain my children, and I should be able to have friends without feeling judgmental sometimes and not know what to say or do to help their situations. Yet, I can't do anything. I'm pathetic and I lay around all day and stay up all night watching Netflix. I'm terrible at this thing called "living".
At first I was feeling really depressed but then I started wishing I could just get wasted drunk or high so that I could just stop caring about emotions for a little while. I understand why the generation before mine was all fucked up and they turned to alcohol and drugs to handle their pain and stress. I want to be stronger and more willful than they were. And I believe I will be. But at the same time, it sucks. Life sucks. I'm honestly starting to believe that Earth is Hell.
The things I want in life feel out of reach and I don't feel that I want too much. I just want to feel financially secure and have my family - grow my family and share love and health. I want to be able to take my kids out on trips to the park, the zoo, restaurants, museums, and the like... I want to be able to explore and find thrill in little experiences. I want to feel successful as a human being.
I feel like I can't be who I want to be for my husband, for my children, for friends, or for anyone. I feel like I should be a lot more; better for others. I should be able to help support my family alongside my husband, I should be able to play and entertain my children, and I should be able to have friends without feeling judgmental sometimes and not know what to say or do to help their situations. Yet, I can't do anything. I'm pathetic and I lay around all day and stay up all night watching Netflix. I'm terrible at this thing called "living".
Monday, June 6, 2016
Some jealousy
Not much to report. I'm wide awake at 2am making pizza... Noel woke me up at 12midnight and now he's hungry... I am too so I don't mind.
I'm talking to Tom again... he's my best friend and I don't think I ever truly could cut him out of my life. He's one of the only people that is there for me and actually cares for me and understands me. I would be stupid to not have him in my life. But I'm still upset about this girl he's talking to. I paused for a moment after writing girl - I thought about how she is older than me and replacing girl with woman, but then I thought about her maturity level and thought that I better not. I'm kind of upset that he is still talking to her and I'm sure part of it is jealousy but another part is I feel like he's choosing her over me. He's still talking to her after she told him she doesn't want him talking to me. I mean he is putting in the effort to still talk to me and be there for me so maybe I shouldn't feel so upset but I do... Blah.
It shouldn't really matter I guess because he's been showing me that she's not replacing me by making time for me and playing games online with me. Well, actually yesterday, he was playing a game online with me while he was on skype with me as well and he muted me and talked on the phone with her the entire time we were on skype together and that kind of really truly bothered me but I felt like it wasn't my place to tell him I didn't want him to since I know he has limited time before having to go to work and I'm lucky he's even making time for me at all. :/
Tomorrow is more state primaries for the upcoming election. I am hoping that Bernie wins each state and pull ahead of Hillary. That he wins this election and becomes our next president. We truly need him.. he's our only hope for America at this moment. Tomorrow California votes and they have one of the biggest delegate counts so we really need Bernie to win Cali. I'm nervous about the shit they (they being whoever it is that is causing voter suppression and such) might try to pull tomorrow. I'm pulling for Bernie though, it's not over until it's over.
I'm talking to Tom again... he's my best friend and I don't think I ever truly could cut him out of my life. He's one of the only people that is there for me and actually cares for me and understands me. I would be stupid to not have him in my life. But I'm still upset about this girl he's talking to. I paused for a moment after writing girl - I thought about how she is older than me and replacing girl with woman, but then I thought about her maturity level and thought that I better not. I'm kind of upset that he is still talking to her and I'm sure part of it is jealousy but another part is I feel like he's choosing her over me. He's still talking to her after she told him she doesn't want him talking to me. I mean he is putting in the effort to still talk to me and be there for me so maybe I shouldn't feel so upset but I do... Blah.
It shouldn't really matter I guess because he's been showing me that she's not replacing me by making time for me and playing games online with me. Well, actually yesterday, he was playing a game online with me while he was on skype with me as well and he muted me and talked on the phone with her the entire time we were on skype together and that kind of really truly bothered me but I felt like it wasn't my place to tell him I didn't want him to since I know he has limited time before having to go to work and I'm lucky he's even making time for me at all. :/
Tomorrow is more state primaries for the upcoming election. I am hoping that Bernie wins each state and pull ahead of Hillary. That he wins this election and becomes our next president. We truly need him.. he's our only hope for America at this moment. Tomorrow California votes and they have one of the biggest delegate counts so we really need Bernie to win Cali. I'm nervous about the shit they (they being whoever it is that is causing voter suppression and such) might try to pull tomorrow. I'm pulling for Bernie though, it's not over until it's over.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Feeling somewhat better
Usually my head doesn't stop racing multiple thought trains, I feel depressed, defeated, anxious, and I just want to complain about everything all the time - but lately, I haven't.
Since I've quit work I've been feeling so much more calm. I haven't been yelling at my children - actually, we've been connecting a lot more. Lailah and I have been cuddling and talking often about deep subjects and Noel and I have been playing with his toys more often. I'm still not where I want to be - I still struggle with my internet addiction but I am working on it.
I'm excited for summer to be approaching because we will be able to spend time at the park or beaches etc. I will be able to spend more time with my children outside of the house making memories and bonding with them as people.
I don't feel as foggy and emotionally constipated as I have in the past... and that feels so refreshing.
Although, now that I don't feel like I'm suffering from my own problems I feel like I'm focusing too much on all the other terrible things in the world and I hate that there is SO much that I can not change. It feels awful. :/
Since I've quit work I've been feeling so much more calm. I haven't been yelling at my children - actually, we've been connecting a lot more. Lailah and I have been cuddling and talking often about deep subjects and Noel and I have been playing with his toys more often. I'm still not where I want to be - I still struggle with my internet addiction but I am working on it.
I'm excited for summer to be approaching because we will be able to spend time at the park or beaches etc. I will be able to spend more time with my children outside of the house making memories and bonding with them as people.
I don't feel as foggy and emotionally constipated as I have in the past... and that feels so refreshing.
Although, now that I don't feel like I'm suffering from my own problems I feel like I'm focusing too much on all the other terrible things in the world and I hate that there is SO much that I can not change. It feels awful. :/
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