The answers are inside. And I will find them... one day.

What do I NEED?
I have no idea what I need. Love. I guess. I need to LOVE myself. I just don't know how to do that. I often think I NEED friends, I NEED someone else to love me, but no amount of friends or external love will make me feel whole because I am not whole on the inside. I need to figure out how to accept myself and love myself. How does one love themselves when their whole childhood they weren't taught what love truly was? How does one accept themselves when their whole childhood they were not accepted?
I NEED to love me.
I NEED to accept me.
I NEED to find out who I am.
Who AM I?
I am a mom, I am a wife, I am a woman, I am caring, I am compassionate, I am a best friend, I am someone who likes to read, I am a human rights advocate, I am firm in my beliefs, I am passionate, that's all I can think about right now.

I think I need to find more time to cry, find time to connect with my emotions and express them. I abandon myself when I ignore my own emotions. I abandon myself just as my parents always had. I don't sit with myself when I am hurting, I don't love myself through it and I should. I shouldn't feel ashamed. I feel vulnerable. I feel vulnerable and scared because I was taught that emotions were not safe. I was taught that if I showed emotions I was annoying and I would be harmed.

I feel sad and I have been wanting to cry but I'm not sure what I am sad about. I must have it repressed pretty deeply. I keep getting the thought that I just want to be loved. And I know I am loved so it's not necessarily that I want to be loved because my husband loves me and my kids love me and Tom loves me. So, it's not love itself. I think I want my mom to love me, that hits a chord with me. Because I feel like she never has, never will, and literally can't. That hurts. I have to somehow learn to accept that though.