I feel worthless

Idk what is going on with me today. I am feeling sad and depressed. I feel like crying. I feel like I don't have any hope, that things won't get better, that my life won't improve, and that in turn my children will suffer. I feel worthless and pathetic and angry at who I am - useless and broken. The only reason I am not working and don't want to go back to work is because it mentally and emotionally destroys me. If I was a "normal" person it wouldn't. But I'm not normal... I'm damaged and broken beyond repair. I can't handle the stress and the separation from my family. It literally tears me apart and I am so afraid of having to go back to that again.
At first I was feeling really depressed but then I started wishing I could just get wasted drunk or high so that I could just stop caring about emotions for a little while. I understand why the generation before mine was all fucked up and they turned to alcohol and drugs to handle their pain and stress. I want to be stronger and more willful than they were. And I believe I will be. But at the same time, it sucks. Life sucks. I'm honestly starting to believe that Earth is Hell.
The things I want in life feel out of reach and I don't feel that I want too much. I just want to feel financially secure and have my family - grow my family and share love and health. I want to be able to take my kids out on trips to the park, the zoo, restaurants, museums, and the like... I want to be able to explore and find thrill in little experiences. I want to feel successful as a human being.
I feel like I can't be who I want to be for my husband, for my children, for friends, or for anyone. I feel like I should be a lot more; better for others. I should be able to help support my family alongside my husband, I should be able to play and entertain my children, and I should be able to have friends without feeling judgmental sometimes and not know what to say or do to help their situations. Yet, I can't do anything. I'm pathetic and I lay around all day and stay up all night watching Netflix. I'm terrible at this thing called "living".