Last week my therapist broke the news to me that she is moving out of state and I would have to stop seeing her. I broke down and cried pretty hard and came home and cried even more. Next Weds will be my last appt with her and that frightens me. I am so afraid of opening up to someone new. I'm afraid to tell someone personal things about myself only for them to hurt me more than help me heal which has happened before finding Erika. I am afraid to find someone that I feel can't understand me or isn't on my mental level. It scares me. I already feel broken enough, I don't need it made anymore worse.
On a different note, we're really financially struggling. We only have 600 in our account at the moment and we have pretty much no food in the house. We have eggs, bread, and pasta. That's pretty much all we have. On Friday Justin will be getting paid which will put out bank at around 900 but 800 will be going to rent and then our bank will be going in the negatives once car insurance pulls out. Next week after the 4th passes I will be going to try to get food stamps. Hopefully that will help us out and we will still be able to afford next months rent and car insurance without going into the negatives again. I'm hoping that since our account will be in the negatives that they'll approve us for food stamps right away.
I don't like living "off the system" but they really make it difficult now a days to live without it, especially for people who struggle with mental illness and are already in poverty. My hope is that with therapy and my medication that one day I will function better than this point in my life where I am at currently and I will be able to get a job that makes me feel successful one day.
Today in therapy I talked to Erika about things that Lailah says or does that makes me feel inadequate, makes me feel like I am being used, that she doesn't love me as I wish she would, and that I feel worthless and unneeded. But all of that is untrue. The truth is that those things that I feel have nothing to do with Lailah at all but everything to do with the pain and trauma my mom put me through when I was a child. Lailah is just trying to find her place in the world. She is never trying to deliberately hurt my feelings, she loves me so very very much. She cares about me tremendously. But she's exploring herself and trying to get her needs met in the only ways she knows how. She is also trying to find comfort in figuring out her own ways and things she likes and dislikes while asking for my approval. My mom really fucked me up. My mom made me feel so worthless, stupid, unwanted, like I wasn't enough, that I was uncared about, bad, and unnecessary. She made me hate myself. And although I don't hate myself now and I don't consciously believe those things. I believe I am good and that I do my best to be the best person I know how every day. But I guess I don't always believe those things because I often feel I am not enough for my children, that I am worthless to them because I can't provide. I try to make up for that in my parenting, I honestly try to be the best mom I can be. I try to be everything my mom never was for me for them. I struggle with it a lot because I've never had it but I read a lot and I work on it as much as I can. I am not perfect but I am proud of how far I've come as a person. But financially, I feel like I have nothing to offer. It's difficult.
And people say, "Just get a job, just go back to work, blah blah blah." But they don't understand what it's like for someone that struggles with a mental illness. I do better mentally and emotionally when I am at home. I do worse when I am at a job being unappreciated. I wish Justin could get a good paying job but in order to do that he has to be able to attend school which is near impossible when he's working full time. It's not an easy world out here. And I'm just not sure what to do.
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