My heart continues breaking to bits.

This morning I had a dream about Bennett - yeah, another one.

I dreamed that Liz told me I could go meet Bennett, so I hopped in the car on my way to go meet my little boy.
There was this obstacle course of sorts though - these houses packed tightly together on these crazy hills. I had to drive there - to him. But every time the car went the slightest downhill, it was near impossible to stop - I even collided into another car in the dream at one point.
Finally I reached the house. And in order to get inside I had to drive my car into a pool type of thing and come out the other side which got me to the inside. Inside there were kids running around everywhere - but not my Bennett. In my head I knew they were all adopted too. I finally met Liz and Nate again and we had a nice chat and before I knew it they sent me out and on my way. As soon as I left their home, there was a new obstacle course before me - to get back to Bennett.

I didn't get to see my Bennett like I was told I would and that hurt me so much that anger boiled up inside of me. So I went to my car - which was randomly parked in this driveway a ways from their home and a few of my mothers daycare kids were in my car. When I got into it I attempted to call Liz and ask her what all of that was about and why I didn't get to see Bennett. But when I dialed - this woman I used to work with her autistic child answered. I politely explained I had the wrong number and I was sorry for the disturbance. The kids changed all the names and numbers in my phone. I got even more raging mad. So I set out on my next adventure to find my Bennett inside his home.

This time he lived inside of this apartment building that had a lot of fire escape ladders on the side of it - something you'd might find in NYC. But to even get close to the building there were these cats everywhere. And I was holding balls upon balls of yarn and I had to string it along and bring the yarn to each and every cat in my path - not like leave them balls of yarn but sort of like marking a path, following where the cats were. So there was a long string of yarn left behind kind of circling each cat.

Eventually I got to the building and I got inside and I felt accomplished - I succeeded. I had beaten the obstacles in my way to see my baby boy - but then I woke up.
Not much different than reality I guess. I get told that I will get a visit and I get blown off, I get told I'll get an album and I don't receive it. I know - I am lucky for what I do get. But at the end of the day, I feel like I'm fighting so hard to face disappointment.

Today Lailah was looking at a picture of Bennett and she told me she wished we could live with him. She doesn't even really understand any of it but even SHE knows that he belongs with US. She can feel it deep in her soul that he was supposed to be ours. She was whimpering and she said, "He's so cute and I like him." - And it breaks my heart. I sat there stone faced. Tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to break down that I am sorry and that I wish he could too. I wanted to apologize over and over and over. Yet all I could do was sit there stone faced, blank, and ignore her. Ignore that she had said anything at all. She very quickly moved on and brought up something else to talk about - Idk if she noticed the shift in me or if it was just a passing triggered thought for her after seeing his picture. But inside of me, a little piece of my heart broke off a little more.