Holidays came and went.

The holidays came and went - the holidays themselves went pretty well, thankfully.  But man, the rest of the days have been sort of tough for me. I got triggered pretty strongly a couple days before Christmas. :( I went to Walmart to get the kids their gifts for each other and a few more other gifts and my card declined. I ended up finding out that the oil company apparently thought Justin meant give us 250 GALLONS of oil when he said we could only afford $250 DOLLARS worth of oil. So they charged our bank us almost $600. Our account was in the negatives.
Now we have to ask to pay rent late which we've never had to do since we've been living here. I feel terrible about it.
I was having a lot of flash backs of holding Bennett this past week too, him being here with us, unwrapping presents and having time with him.
It's been a tough week  holidays aside. I'm not 100% sure as to why... other than missing Bennett and getting slammed financially. But I know we will get back on track financially, it'll all work out.
Back in September I closed Bennett's adoption so I've been struggling with that as well to be honest. I'm doing my best coping through the grief and I'm doing alright, it's just really rough to experience still and to sit with.

Thanksgiving

Today was Thanksgiving Day and it went really well. I enjoyed my time with my family a lot. My sister and I smoked, we hung out, ate food, laughed, and we all had a really great time.
Lailah had a bit of a struggle because she wanted to be able to see her dad and Mrs. Polion - a teacher at her school who is also Kelsey's - my sisters gf's mom. So she told her dad to go pick her up but then was disappointed that she might not be able to see Mrs. Polion too but her dad and I worked it out with her. I spent time talking to her about it and she was crying because she was afraid that her dad would cancel future plans on her like he "usually does" - her words, not mine. I understand where she's coming from. Her dad came in and thankfully helped soothe her by letting her know he would try hard to make time for her whenever she wanted or felt she needed more time with her. Thankfully, he's become quite a good dad to her, but she still fears his actions from the past. Understandably so.
Noel had a pretty good day today too playing with my step brothers on video games.
Thea was passed around between family members and also seemed to have a pleasant time.
I did miss having my gramma there though and my uncle Jack, but that's life, right?
For what I had today, I'm thankful and happy. <3

Doing alright

I'm doing alright but about a week ago or so my gramma had a heart attack and had to have a double bypass surgery, then she ended up having a stroke, and it was one thing after another from there. She's apparently, according to my mom, started going blind and unable to see well at all, she's stopped feeling when she has to use the bathroom so she just goes before realizing it... and she has an internal bleed somewhere and so far they can't find it so they've had her swallow a camera to try to find where it is so they can fix it. On top of all of that Don, her ex bf of like 15 years, passed away. I feel pretty bad for her, she's going through some shit right now. I'm really worried about her and scared of losing her, I love her so much, and I just started feeling close to her again. I don't want to lose her again when I'm just getting her "back".
Otherwise, surprisingly, I'm doing alright. This med I'm on really is helping I think. I've been staying ontop of keeping my house clean and also working diligently on my parenting with Noel and Lailah. I've been trying to figure out ways to work with them and also create more of an expected environment. For example: I've started locking up toys, in order to take another toy or activity out the one they had has to go back away. This helps both my kids because they do best when they fully know what to expect.
I've been smoking a lot of weed though too lately, which impo also really helps me get up and live each day, as well as helps give me insight into my parenting and how to better work with my kids. I worry a little about it but I'll do what I have to do to survive and get through this the best I can and right now, that's the best I feel I can. It helps me. It literally helps enhance my life and keep me calm and able to think about and work out situations I'm dealing with or going through.

I'm actually, surprisingly, okay.

Okay, so. I know my last post I said things have been disastrous, and as true as that's been, I've been doing pretty decently. I mean - obviously, I am struggling, but at the end of the day I'm not self harming, I'm not suicidal, I'm not harming my children, I am not cheating on my husband (hiding and lying to him), I am decently stable through all this shit. I'm actually really proud of myself. The past few years have been hell. Like, literally hell for me. I'm sure things could be worse, they could always be worse. I still have my babies, I have my family, I have amazing friends who I love and that love me, I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach (and my babies), and I'm dealing.

That doesn't mean anything has been easy - especially emotionally and psychologically. I battle with thoughts of self harm, I struggle with always making the choices I want to make, and I'm overwhelmed a lot of the time. BUT I am getting as much help as I can and giving myself as much grace as I can. I've started a new med a few weeks ago but I stopped because I was getting night sweats so I am starting a couple new meds tonight that will hopefully help. I'm addressing my depression and my sensory overload with the meds and hoping they will help those issues out. I'm doing what I can.

I'm really proud of all my work and I'm going to keep at it. 

It's been disastrous.

I've stopped writing for a while.... you know what that means right? I've been having a hard time.

I've found that when I go periods without writing, it usually means I'm going through some shit. And shit it's been.

Justin and I have gone completely downhill. It's like 95% that we're getting divorced. I'm sure at this point he believes it's 100%. It all started when a few months ago, shortly after Thea's birth, I decided that I just didn't feel loved, supported, or cared about by Justin - and I hadn't for a while. I kept warning him, I could feel the disconnection happening each time I felt unloved, uncared about, and unsupported. But still, he seemingly did nothing. 

Our anniversary came and went, not a card, not a flower, not even just something hand made. He asked me where I wanted to go for dinner, we went to Friendly's. But, I had thought he had talked to my mom about babysitting the kids while we went out and he didn't. He didn't schedule or plan he just asked my mom and my sister ended up watching them. My sister then texted me only an hour after we had left asking when we would be back and implied that she didn't want to watch the kids any longer. It made me feel so upset and frustrated. I was upset at Justin for not planning and frustrated by my sister because she knew we were out for our anniversary. Also - Friendly's fucked up my meal twice and I left without eating. :(

Fast forward - I started driving like 2 hours away to go meet this guy named Kyle. He was an asshole but he was night to me - temporarily. I talked to him non-stop for about 3 weeks, every day, all day long. But then we met one day and grabbed dinner, then I left after hanging out with him for a bit. Then we met again a few days later and we played some Cards Against Humanity and had some drinks. I drank too much and we ended up having sex. I slept over then the next day we hung out and had sex again. I then went home and then on my drive back home he texted me and told me we wouldn't work out, but still wanted to see me and be friends. I kind of started getting weird - this "whatever, *push people away*, wait no - come back" thing that I do when I start feeling super unstable and fear abandon. He then disappeared for 2 weeks. By that time I had met another guy, Mathew, who lives an hour away, and started seeing him. The first day we grabbed dinner then I went home after we sat in the car and talked for a few hours. Then a few days later I saw him again, we had sex, I stayed the night, then went home. When I got home he was still talking to me and showing interest. A few days later I went over again and we had a lot of sex. Then a few days later he was like, "we wouldn't work, I just want to be friends" - almost exactly like Kyle did. 

But Mathew still talks to me daily and we've hung out - without sex a few times, although, I did spend the night a couple more times. Idk if I can handle just being friends with him though, because I have been missing and craving intimacy and support. But he is a good friend to me and a good person. It would be unwise of me to not be friends with him just because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. Because, I crave friendship too. It just sucks because I am attracted to him a lot. I think he's fucking gorgeous. And I'm not typically physically attracted to men. 

Then a little over a month ago, I had previously texted Liz twice asking for an update on the - is she going to tell Bennett and open the adoption - situation and she ignored both. I then texted her about the hurricane that was hitting down there and she responded to that one saying they were fine but that was it. So, I ended up texting her again and closing the adoption until whenever she's ready to tell him he's adopted and let him know me. AND THEN about a month ago now Steve - the guy who caused everything with Bennett, made a new meetme account and had found me and messaged me. He was all like "hey, hope everything is less complicated than it was last time we talked". I went off on him before blocking him and of course he denied everything. I had a really really rough day that day, I cried literally all day, it was tough. 

It's been disastrous - I've been a disaster. 

Ups and Downs

It's been a while again... which typically means I've been overwhelmed and dealing with some shit. Usually when I stop writing it means I'm avoiding.
It's easier to avoid than it is to face what I'm trying to cope through.
A lot has happened in the past short 3 months.
I'm not sure where to begin but I guess I'll just start purging whatever first comes to mind and go from there.
Bennett. I talked to Liz about 3 weeks ago. She texted me, then I asked her to talk, and she called me. We talked on the phone for a while, cried, and opened up to one another. She told me she was planning on telling Bennett that he's adopted, finally! But only after I kind of sort of pushed her. I told her that I didn't think I could do the partially open partially closed thing anymore. I told her how badly it still hurts on my side and how much I love and miss Bennett. We both cried a lot. She said she wants the adoption to be open and for him to know me and my family and for us to know him. She said she was planning on telling him this summer anyways but that it was hard and she was scared. I told her that I'm afraid too and that she's not alone. She told me to expect a call in a couple weeks but it's been 3 weeks at least now and nothing so Idk. Yesterday I reached out and texted her, a short and simple text saying hi and asking how they all are and if she has an update. I ended it on the note of I hope to hear back and I love them. Simple, short, and sweet. Best I could do. But no response as of yet.. It feels very up in the air and I have no idea where it will go. It's anxiety inducing.
Emily and Scott. Emily was Scott's (Lailah's dad) fiance but I guess not anymore. He's being a complete asshole but that's nothing new. Long story short - they got into a fight about some other woman messaging him inappropriately and he broke up with her over her response to it (which wasn't any more dramatic than any other woman would have been) and she ran to me and I was somehow dragged in. I felt obligated to because she said she had nobody else and she was feeling suicidal. So I felt that if I don't be there for her if anything happens to her then it'll be my fault so I have to help her. It just pisses me off because it should be Scott's job but no, he's the one making her feel that way. Like, how can you tell someone you want to marry them and be there for them for life a couple months ago and then just suddenly you're not in love with them anymore and don't want to even look at their face? Same question I asked a decade ago though, when he did it to me... I shouldn't be surprised or anything. Oh and get this. Scott got arrested about a month ago for not paying off his back child support. Apparently, Emily paid off the over 11 grand necessary for him to get out.... and this is how he repays her... Nevermind the fact she's dumped about 5 grand into their wedding already. Fucking asshole. I can't stand him.
Outside of those things, I've just been home caring for Noel, Thea, and Lailah. Doing my best to be the best mom I can be. I have been up and down...
A couple friday's ago I went out to play cards and I had a drink, then another drink, and then I started a 3rd drink and I got wicked drunk and it wasn't so great. I puked in my moms car... then all over the side walk, then I called my friend Tiffany and I talked to her while I was bawling my eyes out and grieving for Bennett in the shower. It felt like I was reliving the moment I got home without him, all over again. It was a nightmare. But I feel it was necessary... it was something that had to be done. I kept crying and yelling out, he's gone... they just took him... nobody cares, nobody cares... I'm all alone, and now he's gone... and more.
Idk... I'm surviving.. and I guess I'll keep surviving..

I have an incredible little girl

Last night I was in a mood from hell. I was cranky, I didn’t want to be around anyone, I needed to fall apart. I took a bath, which didn’t help. I then decided I would sleep in the kids room alone (they sleep in my room and everyone bed shares).

Once Lailah (10) realized that I wasn’t sleeping in my room she began to panic and cry. Which upset me (wrongfully so, but emotions can be so irrational) because I was already in a tough mood. I was in their room and tears just started flowing and my nose got stuffed and ran everywhere, I needed some tissues. So I went in my room to grab the box of tissues and Lailah was still freaking out. I ended up yelling out that not everything is about her and that I have the right to have a hard time and take care of myself when I need to, then I slammed the door. I obviously was acting like a child - impulsive, emotional, out of control, self centered, etc. I went back in their room and cried some more. And of course reflected on my behavior.

 I fought back and forth in my mind on which way to go - how to handle this - what is the “best” way. But I don’t think there’s a “right” answer. Some people would say that leaving it like that isn’t right, that my child would feel disconnected, at fault, guilt and shame, etc - and I knew she was crying alone, having a hard time too. Others would say that calling her in to me, telling her - explaining to her what was going on would cause my child to feel as if “fixing me” was her responsibility, that her feelings didn’t matter and mine did, that she would feel insignificant or as if she had to fulfill the “parental role”. I reflected on this for some time. Feeling like these were my only two options.

 I ended up deciding that her crying alone was worse for her so I called her in to lay with me. Snuggled up in her twin sized bed together she asked me what was wrong. The tears started flowing again and I told her, “I really miss your brother and I’m having a hard time with his birthday coming up and your sister isn’t born yet and it’s hard.”
She responded, “That must be horrible for you, because you love him and you want to be in his life and know him and you can’t.”
I said back, “I wish I could know him, I miss him so much.”
She started stroking my arm and saying, “I know mommy, sometimes in life, things happen that we don’t like and sometimes things come up that are hard and we wish they wouldn’t but there’s nothing we can do about them but deal with them.”
I said, “I wish I knew how to deal with them.”
She responded, “You are, you’re crying and it’s ok to cry. Everyone cries sometimes, and you’re allowed to cry mommy, it’s ok, you can cry.”
After a pause and more contemplating, I told her that I asked Liz to know Bennett and that she ignored me. Lailah responded by continuing to be loving, empathetic, kind, and supportive.
“I know that must be difficult. You want to know him and be in his life, you love him and miss him and that’s hard.”
I told her, “I love all of you, all my babies, and its really hard for me not having one of you here with me.”
Still stroking my arm she said, “I know mommy, I know, it’s going to be ok”
I continued falling apart, “I wish I was stronger, that I somehow found a way to keep him with us, that none of this ever happened.”
She responded back “Mommy, you did the best you could do, what you felt you could do, and that’s all you could do. You do your best in the situation you’re in and that’s what you did. And it’s ok to feel sad about that.”
I continued crying and she continued rubbing my arm and snuggling up to me until we fell asleep.

 Now - most would probably see that she felt obligated to “parent” me. But I see this as my amazing, incredible little girl being who she is. Kind, loving, caring, supportive. And this isn’t just a “parenting” technique. She will use these qualities and traits throughout her life - with friends, with partners, and hopefully with herself as well. She held space for me, she supported me, and through it she loved me. And to be honest I don’t think anyone else could have been as supportive toward me as she was. Maybe I was wrong, but leaving her alone in the other room crying, feeling at fault for how I felt, feeling ignored, feeling disconnected and cast aside - wasn’t right either.

Struggling with mood, feeling overwhelmed by emotions.

I’m struggling with my mood lately.
I’m so cranky and angry at the world. It feels like depression is trying so hard to creep in and set up a tent in my subconscious mind. I’m trying hard not to let. But in the process I feel so angry.
Maybe the depression has set up camp- and the anger is my defense mechanism to prevent me from hating myself and feeling incredibly sad all the time.
All I know is that I’m feeling so extremely moody. I want to scream and cry and I’m avoiding the horrible thoughts for now - but I’m not too proud of the thoughts I get in the meantime but they’re better than the alternative.
Mostly they’re about hating other humans, hating the world, feeling cast out, feeling excluded, feeling disconnected- etc.
I *should* be feeling certain ways - excited, proud, whatever else - for the birth of my new daughter soon. But I’m not. I dread it. I’m feeling defeated, I’m feeling neglected, I’m feeling hurt, I’m feeling as if I mean nothing more than the baby and giving birth. All too familiar feelings.
I know I will love this baby with all I am. Nothing could ever change that. I’ll be the best mother I can be and I’ll continuously aim to be better - to do better, to evolve as a mother and person. My kids are my whole life. And honestly - they’re all I am. They love and care about me more than anyone else ever possibly could.
What I know and how I feel are completely different things.
And what I feel is quite overwhelming.

stress with sister

Yesterday, soon after my last post - my mom called me asking me to "check in" on my sister. She was threatening suicide again. My mom told me she was locked into her room. I told her that I couldn't get in the room - although I didn't check. I told her to call the police and paramedics to come over.
At the time, I panicked thinking - what if I do check on her? I could 1. walk in on my dead sister and then what? Perform cpr until police arrive? And at what cost to Verity? or 2. I walk in, I have to wrestle the pills or whatever else she plans out of her hands... or block her from leaving or try to stop her from harming herself etc... and at what cost to Verity?

I literally just got home the day before from having preterm labor and I had dilated and effaced.. all due to the current stress of my life... what would adding to that do?

I feel sort of angry at her for it. I honestly feel suicide in itself isn't selfish. I feel that it's each individuals life and I wouldn't ever want someone to suffer long term with such pain. I've been there, I get it. But I feel it is selfish to 1. not try to get help or do anything for yourself first. 2. To not care about the other people around you at all yet expect them to jump when you say to jump.

I love my sister, she's important to me, but it's not like she's ever done anything for me. She doesn't think about me, she doesn't help comfort me, she doesn't care about what I go through or deal with, she gets food and never offers to share any or anything yet we make food and always offer her food, she never helps with the house or washing dishes or anything at all.. whenever I've tried to talk to her about Bennett or my grief she tells me not to think of it, that I should feel lucky, that at least he's happy etc. She shuts me down. Whenever I go to her about anything she shuts me down. Yet, I'm supportive and empathetic toward her and she tells me that I "can't understand" her grief or how hard it is for her to stop talking to someone she loves. That feels so fucking insulting. I left the hospital after labor, alone, without one of my children, I experienced the worst emotional pain ever in my life - and I can't understand grief, pain or loss? I know that's part of depression - you feel alone and like the only person who feels how you feel but that is simply not true at all. Nearly everyone feels the same emotions. Sure - they may feel them due to different life situations or experiences, but the same emotions come up - grief, sadness, pain, anger, frustration, hurt, abandonment, loss, happiness, excitement, pride, etc. We all feel the same. No, I don't understand WHY she chooses to keep hurting herself by talking to her ex. She's right there, that I can't understand why she allows the torture to continue.. but I understand the pain, I do.

I'm just trying to keep myself stitched together.

I want to cry because yesterday morning Justin took Lailah to school. On the literal 2 min drive Lailah reminded Justin not to forget Noel's carseat in his car and to put it in my car. Justin got frustrated and snapped at her that he knew what he was doing and that he was going to do it. Which - yesterday, he did. This morning I woke up and got Noel and I ready to go eat breakfast with my mom and of course, I got to my car and he had the carseat and was already at work. He is working until 7 pm today. Now, best case scenario - Lawrence (step dad) goes to Justin's work to pick the carseat up for me and Justin isn't out on a delivery so he is able to unlock his car for Lawrence to get the seat.... The scenario that I don't like is that he's unable to get the seat so I'm stuck home all day, I have to walk with Noel to get Lailah from school and home, and I can't go to cards tonight since I can't get Noel to my brothers to be babysat until Justin gets off work at 7pm.
But even still, we now can't eat breakfast with my mom and have to eat breakfast here....
Nevermind that our fuse blew this morning and I don't know how to turn it back on because Justin does that when it happens.
Part of me has been wanting to talk to my friends lately... but I feel like a huge bother whenever I try. I feel like I'm annoying them and they are like "great, her she is with more negativity..." I feel like all I do recently is complain and worry about everything in my life. There's all the shit going on with my sister, the baby is coming and almost came preterm the other day, I'm avoiding texting Liz to ask about Bennett, Justin and I are always up and down in our relationship and I truly don't know about any of it anymore, I have been struggling with Lailah and her grumpiness, and feeling bad about my parenting when I react how I don't truly want to, and it's like that's all I have to talk about - the shit in my life.
Today a woman in my birth group posted about how she's in the hospital and she's having all these complications at 28 weeks and that they may induce her early or do a c-section and that she has the potential of hemorrhage and losing her uterus, and obviously there's the risk her baby won't make it... and I feel bad for her and I know it must be devastatingly hard. I had the passing thought to tell her that she can message me any time to vent or if she needs some extra support - which it seemed she needed... but then I rethought it. And I feel guilty about that. I feel selfish. But I feel like it would just be spreading me that much thinner. I feel like I'm already about to break myself and that giving so much of myself to others could tear me apart and just take way too much energy out of me that I'm attempting to get me through my own shit.
On top of it I asked my therapist if we could have phone sessions instead - since HE brought it up in the past when I had asked him what we would do once the baby arrived. He said "I figured we could do phone sessions or whatever". So, I of course, thought that was a possibility. Well he ended up calling me to tell me my insurance won't cover phone sessions and only in person sessions. Which literally makes zero sense to me, I don't even understand why he would have to ask them about it and why he couldn't just say I went in for my appointments - since I technically did?? It's not like they have cameras surrounding his building or anything counting the people who go in and making sure they're the correct people etc. He then said "well, we should set up a time to talk once a week or so to check in for 10 or 15 mins" and to ME that sounded like "I don't want to lose you as a patient so I'll check in and hope you come back to my practice after the baby is born because I don't want to lose that money... but I won't give you the appointments you obviously and clearly very much need, knowing all I know and the stress you've been dealing with.." And so now I feel like even if I CAN get in to appointments physically - I don't WANT to anymore... which in the long run could hurt me but Idk maybe I'm starting to feel some sort of depression because I just don't care. I feel lonely and alone and I don't even know who TRULY cares about me. As of right now I feel like the only people who truly care about me are my children, and they can't provide me with what I feel I need - empathy, kindness, a listening ear, comfort, caring, support, and the like..
I feel like I NEED to cry but I don't feel safe enough to do so, not even while alone. It just brims in my eyes and it won't come out. I partially feel like that's because I'm used to pretending I'm "strong" and that I can hold my shit together. Plus there's the fact that I have to take care of everyone else and I feel like I have nobody to sometimes take care of me.
At the end of the day I want to FEEL loved, cared about, supported, and understood and I don't. Not from anyone at all. I'm sure Justin loves me in his own way... I'm sure he cares about my in his own way... but I certainly don't feel that he supports or understands me at all. Actually, most of the time I feel like he resents me or that he's mad at me.
I'm on him often about parenting and I truly feel that bothers him rather than inspires him. I also get frustrated at his lack of ability to think of the future or to prepare ahead or to work on time management skills - like today with the carseat for example. The carseat situation is perfect because it's due to him, his responsibility - yet I'm the one who has to take the consequences, not him - he doesn't get any consequence and so he doesn't work on fixing it. It's stressful for me and I contemplate if this is the right relationship for me. I love him, as a person, I truly do... we get along, it's not like we fight all the time or anything.. idk. It's not like we're "unhealthy" but I'm certainly not happy either.

more changes.

Yesterday I was in the L&D at the hospital... I was having frequent contractions every 10-15 mins for  2 days... I called my midwife and she came over. My contractions started picking up to every 5-10 mins. I decided to let her check my cervix and see if they were dilating me at all - and we discovered they were. I am 1 cm dilated and 40% effaced. So, we took the trip down to one of the hospitals.

I hated it, it was horrible. I truly truly truly do NOT want to birth in a hospital again. The nurses are calloused - it's like they've done it fifty billion times and forget that for each women it's a new experience. The nurse I had was nice enough but very calloused in some ways. For example she told me I should go to W&I if I was to go into preterm labor again. I told her I have too much trauma associated with that hospital. She said "Well, sorry about that BUT you'd be delaying your baby important care if you birthed here, we would just send you to W&I after catching the baby. Hospitals don't see moms as human - they only see the baby as the patient and fuck moms. Fuck their experience. It pisses me off. But my midwife was there to help me through a lot. She was kind, understanding, she listened to me vent about so much in my life, she offered insight and support, I really appreciated that she was there. I'm only 30 weeks atm so it was very scary for me.

I truly believe that the contractions were due to, or somehow tied into, my adoption experience. I've been pushing a lot about the adoption away from my mind - ignoring everything that comes with it. I feel like I just have too much other stuff to deal with and cope with right now. I have the baby coming and my sisters bullshit, which are the two big ones. I just don't feel equip to handle the emotions that would come up with the adoption right now.

On top of it - good news but also stressful - is that Justin got a new job. This job is paying 1.80 more an hour and guaranteed 40 hours a week. What he will be making at this job - he was making biweekly at his last job. So, it's incredible for us financially - but hard on me with this baby coming.

Question brought up in therapy - searching for answers.

I had therapy today and my therapist seemed to be looking for insight into something about me - something I didn't have the answer for.
He was questioning how and why I decided to be different than my parents.
Why I am so against abuse, hitting children, manipulation, threats, bribery, punishments, and other forms of corporal punishment and emotional/mental control. Why I aim to be different and feel so guilty when I slip up or make mistakes.
If I knew, I would have the premise for a great parenting book - but I don't.
I just - decided.
And that's all I have to it.
I remember so vividly the pain I experienced alone, the loneliness I felt, I felt so unloved, abandoned, hated, and empty. I decided I never ever wanted my kids to experience what I did and I decided that I would do whatever it took for me to do differently. And that's all I have to it. Remembering my own pain gave me the motivation. And for some people it doesn't - they feel it was done to them so it should be done to their children as well. My parents parented that way and it didn't benefit me in any way - it only hurt me, I feel. They didn't succeed. And who I am today is in spite of them, not due to them... I am who I am because *I* made the choices and the decisions to be who I am today, *I* put in the hard work and the effort and I made very hard changes to become who I am - and I continue to, no thanks to my parents.
I'm not sure what he was looking for.. and now it's weighing on my mind, bothering me.


I was just thinking of all the reasons I gave him -
that I remember the pain and don't want it for my kids,
that I have always been rebellious and assertive and hated being told what to do or what I can do,
that I have enjoy proving myself - feeling I can do or overcome what others can't or have trouble overcoming...

Maybe my motivation is to feel worthiness... worthy of something, I'm not sure. Worthy of life, love, Idk... or feeling like I have some sort of meaning? That I matter and that I'll prove it. Idk.
I've always felt like I have to prove myself to my parents - that I was never good enough.

Making changes.

Things are going ok, I'm working on making changes in my life.
I've deleted my facebook and fb messenger app on my phone so that I spend less time on it. I've started crocheting more, connecting with my kids, listening to empowering birth podcasts, and reading parenting books and other series I believe I will enjoy.
I'm trying to fulfill my life with more than just internet addiction.
I've checked in on fb on my laptop once a day since I've started and that's it.
Today I worked on a puzzle with Lailah after putting Noel down for a nap, after she had gotten home from school. I wrote a blog post today in my adoption blog as well. I'm going to work on crocheting and finishing up this next square in the blanket that will eventually become my midwifes.
Emotionally I'm doing alright, I'm up and down but nowhere near depression which I enjoy. Pregnancy seems to help with that. My therapist recommended I have my doctors check my hormone levels after pregnancy because that would make sense... my hormones increase during pregnancy and then I feel a lot better... after pregnancy they go back down and in sinks the depression again. So, I'm assuming must be something wrong with my endocrine system. I am not sure why I didn't think of that before. But, anyway, I'm glad that I have it now.
Well, Lailah is asking me to play a game of guess who and I also want to finish up crocheting this block so I'm off.

Pride because *I* got through it.

I actually feel proud of myself. Immensely proud.
2017 was one of my most difficult years ever.

My uncle Jack passed away, I watched him pass and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced. I miss him but I'm happy he is no longer in pain or suffering.

After that, I believe is when I opened my marriage and accepted Tom into my life intimately. I still miss him but it's best that we no longer talk, I think. He came here, moved in, and he became verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and even started to become physically abusive toward me. I absolutely did not allow it. I shut it down quickly - which made him angry. His arrogance and ignorance truly showed. I can't believe for 8+ years that I never saw him for who he truly was but for whoever he showed me he was based on what he knew I liked and wanted in a person. I can't believe I trusted him so deeply, loved him, and cared about him to the degree that I had. It still hurts, when I think about it. On Thursday I was extremely tempted to text him and tell him I miss him - but it wouldn't change anything. He would still be who he is and I would be who I am.. and we are very different people living very different lives. I truly just miss the person I believed was my best friend - not all of it could have been a lie. He must be that person - that I fell for, in there somewhere... but he's just incapable of being that person under certain circumstances maybe, I don't know. But it was hard and I am still learning to cope on my own without turning to him.

While he was here (the 3 weeks he was) my dog Silas got out of the house and someone took him. We haven't found him and I'm pretty sure whoever it was kept him or sold him. I miss him a lot. My mom gave me his puppies but it's not the same. I am slowly learning to love them, but I was so hurt by the loss of Silas that I didn't bond to them right away. It's been a difficult thing for me.

Then my uncle Russ passed away shortly after that and although we weren't close I have a lot of good memories of him. He was the only one of my dads brothers who I liked, who I looked up to, who was kind and gentle. I appreciated him as a person, although I don't think he ever knew that. I felt guilt when I learned of his passing. I went into my last fb messages with him and he was the ONLY person ever, to have messaged me about Bennett. He said he saw pictures of him that I had posted and that they made him smile. And I ignored him. It had nothing to do with him, I'm sure I was just way too overwhelmed in my life to talk to much of anybody. I wish I hadn't ignored him. He was the only person who showed any kind of support for me at that time or even showed me they thought of me and would show care.

Not too long after that, my cousin April (my uncle Russ's daughter) kept asking me if I had a spare room for her to stay in, claimed she was being abused by her boyfriend and that she desperately needed somewhere to stay. I took her in and it was one of the worst choices I've ever made. She was abusive toward my children, she was rude very often, she would say such harmful and callous things, I often put her in her place and she would cry and apologize. I felt like I was caring for a young teenager who was hormonal, selfish, and just downright mean sometimes. She would say things that would undermine me or judge me as a parent, she would insult me backhandedly, and the final blow was when I told her I was expecting another baby and she said "Well, hopefully you'll miscarry". I told her to get out. Well, then as she was getting her stuff out of my house she ended up stealing over $1,400 from me, stole my light from my bathroom, stole pots and pans from me, and other things around my home - including the infinity scarf that Bennett's mom had given me one year for my birthday. I was beyond furious. She is truly lucky that I have my kids and I care about and love them more than I would love to get revenge on her. She's the lowest of scum in my mind and that will never change.

A couple months after that, I was helping out my other cousin from the opposite side of the family, Mandi - I started babysitting her 13 yr old and 3 month old while she worked a VERY high paying job (she would bring home at least $300 a night) and yet she was only paying me 5-6$ an hour for 2 kids, while expecting me to clean, go grocery shopping, prepare and cook dinner etc... when I tried to discuss being paid more with her she lost her shit. She blew up my phone texting me, name calling me, insulting me, and then she texted my mom blowing up her phone til past midnight after I had blocked her number.

I clearly don't have great people always entering my life..

Soon after that my sister moved in with her girlfriend Amanda.. who was very abusive toward my sister. MY sister was very suicidal and for months I worried about her and if she would live and be ok. I had to hide her meds and monitor her intake. I was so scared for her well being. I just wanted to be there for her and be the best I could be for her but it's hard for her to let me in. Amanda is still hurting her but she no longer is living here... Amanda that is. Moe is still here and I hope that our relationship can grow deeper over time.

Then to top everything off Justin and I went through a really rough patch... I almost left him. He agreed on going to a personal therapist as well as attending couples therapy with me. So that's where we are and I can tell that he IS trying and that is all I can ask of him. This rough patch was because I had found out that he lied to me for THREE months about work. He was laid off every Tuesday and Thursday and never told me! When I asked him about the pay drop he lied to me and said it must have been a pay error! FOR MONTHS. I trusted him, I believed him, and I made it work financially by starting to work myself... because he is my husband... only to find out that he lied to me. I felt so betrayed. I found out in December that he had been lying to me since September. But we are working on it and I think we will get through it. We will be ok.

The holidays came and went and they went well. I was sad about Thanksgiving because it was typically my uncle jacks holiday but we held it at my moms instead... and Christmas was usually at my uncles house too.. but we held it at my moms.. I didn't like the change. It felt wrong. But I know that he was there with us and wanted us to celebrate it with joy and happiness so I did my best.
I gave my grandma a shawl I worked hard crocheting for her and she cried, so that made me feel really good. I also gave her pillows and a quilt that I had sewn her out of my uncle Jack's shirts.. it was my moms idea but she had me put it all together. My grandma cried a lot but she really loved it, I'm happy I could do that for her.

I had so many hard times, emotional times, I had times I wanted to self harm, I wanted to give up, I wanted to say fuck everything and just not deal with any of it. I called the suicide prevention hotline I think 3 times and they were amazing. Such a great support. But I got through it. *I* did. Nobody else. I did it. And I am so immensely proud of myself. I didn't self harm, I didn't attempt suicide, and I found my way through. I've come such a long way... and I hope that 2018 will be a year of relaxation with my new baby, my family, and happiness. <3