Things are actually going decently - *knock on wood*

Not sure when I've posted last. I realize that the more stressed out and depressed I am about things - the longer I go without posting. I think it's a way that I avoid - I try not to think about the things that trouble me the most.
Things are finally seemingly going decently well again.
My sister left her abusive ex gf, my aunt is doing her best to keep our cousin away from her as well, my husband works a lot but he's been off school this month which has been great for me mentally and emotionally because he's home around 3-4 every day, we found out yesterday that our little one is a GIRL! And we are SO excited about it!
I've got a job baking with my mom where I make about $200 a week so that helps us out financially.
Things are going alright..
The baby is moving a lot and I love feeling her move, before I know it she will be here and I'll be exhausted lol - even more exhausted than I am now haha.
I've been moody and hormonal but that's quite normal for me.
I've quit smoking and haven't smoked in about a month or so..
Not much else to really talk about. Thankfully. No news is a good thing.

I did text Liz yesterday but so far no response back... I'm no surprised ... she may or may not text back soon, never really know with her. BUT I know I've done my part and that's all I can do.

Living the crazy life.

My life has been hectic lately.
I took my sister in.. my mom had kicked her out due to her gf.
My mom was convinced that my sister was cheating on her with our freshly turned 17 yo cousin.
My sister believed my mom had it all in her head - which isn't unreasonable because my mom is known to get quite delusional and make shit up sometimes.. we've learned to kind of just accept that she's a bit crazy sometimes..
Anyway... I took her and her gf into my home.. they've been here about 3 or 4 months? I'm not sure..
I had always respected her gf and her being in my home. I also respected their relationship.
I did have to step in a few times when my sister was really struggling with her mental and emotional health due to her gf...
Well, a lot of things have been unfolding over the past few weeks.. My sisters gf got caught by our grandma sneaking out and meeting our cousin after school and hiding out behind the stadium in our city..
My sister got understandably upset and had her gf promise that she blocked our cousin on social medias and her phone number. Her gf supposedly blocked her.
Well, my sister told me and had believed that her gf was "being good" and that she was angry that our aunt kept asking about if her gf was on the phone with her daughter.
My aunt ended up printing out our cousins phone records and then asked my sister for her gfs number - well, surprise surprise they had been talking every night for the past few weeks... I am assuming that her gf was deleting the calls etc.
My sister then confronted her gf who got physical with her and really hurt my sisters arm socket/shoulder. My sister then broke up with her and kicked her out.
Then... last night my cousin said she had a "new gf named Genesis" - my aunt asked today what street sisters ex gf is living on, my sister told her, and yep, it happens to be the same street that she picked her daughter up at the night before at 11 pm.
Unfortunately, there's nothing my aunt can do since age of consent in our state is 16.
My sister is heartbroken, obviously. And not very stable at all..
And now I'm sad because I've been here for her, helping her through all of this all this time and since all of this has been going on she's been out with other friends and she won't talk to me much at all. She treats me more like I'm a mom than a sister and not much like a friend at all. I feel so distant from her when all I try to do is be there for her, support her, and love her. But it feels like she doesn't want me.
Her ex was also really abusive toward her.. mentally, emotionally, and psychologically. My sister often ended up self harming and becoming very suicidal because of her ex gf.. I even had to hide my sisters meds and I give her one dose every night just to be sure she's safe (because she's talked about overdosing a lot and often).
Idk... I feel sad and I feel alone.

I don't really have any friends either.
I have my husband and he's fantastic but he's either working or busy helping with the kids so we don't get a lot of time to actually spend with each other.
Blah.

I should get back to writing here more often.
I've just been feeling so drained with this pregnancy.
I'm at 17 weeks. I'm exhausted quite often.

I put Lailah back into school...
So much has changed..
I really need to get back to writing more often and get things up to speed.

I also went to Salem this past month in Oct, I saw a psychic and it was phenomenal.

For now, I'm gonna go but I hope to be back soon.

Today I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

Today, I am having a rough day... really I've been having a tough time for a couple months now. And yet, I've been avoiding.
I've been avoiding so well that I can pull on a smile, function decently throughout the day, and convince others that I'm doing "well."
Yet, at the same time I am panicking inside. I am worried about my mental health and I'm worried about my baby that I'm pregnant with.
Some days are really hard for me emotionally and mentally.
Some days I just want to be allowed to be "not okay".
I don't want others to try to "fix" me, remind me what I should feel grateful for, or tell me it'll get better.
Maybe tomorrow will be better, but right now it's not, right now I'm not.
I am struggling and I wish I just had the support that it's okay to struggle, that I have that support to keep me safe in the meantime - while I'm allowed to feel, while I'm allowed to break down, and while I'm okay to feel sad. To watch over me so that I know that although in this state I don't feel safe, that others will help keep me safe and while I can't trust me, at least I can trust them.

I miss Bennett a lot today. I'm not sure why, but it's hit me out of nowhere. I've been avoiding Liz and although, it sort of helps me stay stable to avoid her, I can't do it for too long without becoming unstable because I don't know how he is. Although, I believe he's just fine and he's doing well with them still, I think about him, I feel immense guilt, shame, and I miss him so incredibly much.
I'm angry that everything in my life happened the way they did regarding him. I'm angry that he's not here.
I think this pregnancy is triggering a lot of this, because this baby is due the day before he was born and that feels so hard. I keep hoping and praying for a girl because idk what I will do if this baby is a boy... it's too much. I'm scared and it hurts. None of this is this baby's fault but sometimes it's so overwhelming that I find myself thinking that I don't want this baby at all - which isn't true, because I do and I already love this baby but I can't help associate Bennett with this baby and I don't know how to disconnect it.
I tell everyone that I don't want ultrasounds or doppler because it's safest for the baby to avoid them, but that's half truth. I can't bare accepting this baby.
Really, what's happening is that I'm still grieving Bennett.
over 6 years has passed and I'm still not okay. Sure, my grieving isn't daily, but it still comes in waves and it still makes me feel like I'm drowning, like the waves keep slamming into me and I worry that I might not survive. This time, I think I will, but it still hurts. My lungs are raw, my heart is heavy, I feel weak and I just want it to be okay that I am not okay. I miss him, I miss him so much. And I'm angry. I am angry at myself, I'm angry at my assaulter, I'm angry at everyone who wasn't there for me and didn't help me, I'm angry at my mom for making me feel so worthless as a human and as a mother, I'm angry that I was so vulnerable and weak. I'm angry, I'm sad, and I'm still hurting.

Grief comes in waves and today I'm just trying to keep my head above water and not let it suck me under.

Inner Demons

They say don't let them in, close your eyes and clear your thoughts again.
But when I'm all alone, they show up on their own.
Cuz inner demons fight their battles with fire, inner demons don't play by the rules.
They say just push them down, just fight them harder... why would you give up on it so soon?
So angels, angels, please just keep on fighting.
Angels, don't give up on me today.
Cuz the demons they are there, they just keep fighting.
Cuz inner demons just won't go away.
So angels, please, hear my prayer, life is pain, life's not fair.
So angels, please, please stay here, take the pain, take the fear.
They say it won't be hard.
But they can't see the battles in my heart.
But when I turn away, the demons seem to stay.
Cuz inner demons don't play well with angels, they cheat and lie, and steal and break and bruise.
Angels, please protect me from these rebels, this is a battle I don't want to lose.
So angels, angels, please just keep on fighting, angels don't give up on me today.
Cuz the demons they are there, they just keep fighting.
Cuz inner demons just won't go away.
So angels, angels, please just keep on fighting, angels don't give up on me today.
Cuz the demons, they are there, they just keep fighting, cuz inner demons just won't go away.
So, angels please, hear my prayer, life is pain, life's not fair, so angels please, please stay here, take the pain, take the fear. <3

-Julia Brennan

Honestly how I feel such a large majority of the time in my life.

I'm progressing

I've had a tough past few days. Sunday was a
blast - I went to Purgatory with April, my friend Jordan, and Justin. We had a lot of fun and I really enjoyed myself. I hope to go back again soon with them all, maybe even Kevin next time.
But then on Tuesday I ended up having Liz call me and I told her everything that led up to the adoption. I might have fucked up with that, but I can't go back and change it. I was feeling pretty unstable and I didn't have anyone earlier in the day to help me reflect on my thoughts or emotions and then I just reacted... I texted Liz. Then I talked to Mandi, my cousin, and she helped me sort out what to talk about a bit. I also got some crying out.
Then The last 3 days after that I've felt so unstable emotionally. I am all over the place. It feels like it's so hard to control emotion, they feel so strong and overwhelming.
But I'm proud of myself because I haven't self harmed yet, I've called the suicide hotline number when I felt I needed it, I haven't harmed my kids or my husband or the puppies, I haven't been damaging, I haven't thrown things or slammed anything, and I've come a really long way from the place I used to let myself get to when emotion felt too overwhelming and strong.
I'm progressing. Not at the speed others want of me, or expect of me, but progressing none the less.
I'm doing a badass job.

Overwhelmed with my internal state.

I am feeling overwhelmed.
Not with life, but internally - mentally, emotionally, psychologically.

I miss Tom, I miss having a friend always there for me to talk to, every single day.
I don't have many friends otherwise. I don't know how people function alone, in their head all the time, without friends.
I have Tiffany - who is often busy with her own life and lives far away, Rebecca who is often there but has a lot of her own difficult life that she is processing and dealing with, Jordan who also has the same - a lot of stuff in her life, and then a couple other friends who well, the same thing.. I feel like I am a burden to them if I try to talk to them all the time.

I'm trying to learn how to handle life on my own. I'm trying to beat my depression and not let it hold me back or down.
I've been scheduling my time and keeping motivated - for the most part. Even when I can't complete all my goals, I get some things done.

I've been cleaning and keeping up on cleaning my home. I want to put together a daily schedule and a chore chart for the kids and our homelife as well.

Tomorrow I really need to go to the walk in clinic to see if I can get a med refill and a referral to a psychiatrists office, drop off copies of the kids bc to the social security office, fill out paperwork, and also mail the homeschooling paperwork to the school department. I could walk to the school department but I feel too much anxiety about it so I think I'll probably just mail it.  We will see.

I also sent a long text to Liz... basically telling her I want to open up to her.. I want to discuss everything that led up to the adoption and why it all happened the way it had. Idk if I'll get a text back.. but if not, it's okay. I understand that it's a fragile situation and that she may not be in a place mentally or emotionally to handle a closer more intimate friendship with me like that.

Feeling really good, actually. *gasp*

I've been feeling really great the past week or so.
I attended the Butler hospital outpatient program.
And then my cousin April moved in with me.
Things are good.
I smoke a good amount of weed each night before bed... like 3-4 bowls of indica, at least.
I've deleted the FB app and haven't gone on on my phone.
I've only been using messenger and Instagram.
All the positive, spiritual, awakened people are on Instagram.
I use a FB app called Memories to store my photos rather than using FB photo albums, so that I can continue to store my photos.
I am taking control of my own life.

I have been getting up, cleaning my house, taking care of my kids, working on my parenting, going to Lailah's softball games, calling therapists and psychiatrists to get in to see, and sorting other responsibilities out. I will soon create a chore chart and daily schedule for our family to follow that might help make things more functional and assist in delegating responsibilities.

I've started watching videos about Tesla, who I think is super incredible and I wish I was born into a future generation so that I could have picked his mind and gotten to know him. He is a very fascinating individual.

Last Sunday I got really really upset at my daughters fathers family - yet again. And I have decided that the line is drawn. I do not want them around my daughter anymore, ever again. They are unhealthy, toxic, abusive, and they're leaving these damaged marks all over my daughters soul/inner most self. I fear her struggling to recover from her childhood with them if I don't step in and make the decision to eliminate them from her life. I told Scott that I will let him see his daughter outside of his parents house, that he can see her at the park, zoo, our house, etc. But that I do not want her around his family whatsoever. I also told him that if he got his own place, I would let her sleep over again and spend more time with him, as long as he did not ever take her around his parents and siblings.
They all have very old school thinking and the belief that children are property who they can control, manipulate, and take out their negative energy on. I find that thinking limiting and toxic. Dangerous even. Definitely not healthy.

I found a therapist too, who I actually liked, I think he may be understanding, intelligent, conscious, aware, compassionate, empathetic, and pretty much everything that could make up a good therapist. Problem is is that he primarily sees court mandated court offenders - in other words, rapists. I don't think that is going to prevent me or stop me from exploring if he's a good therapist fit for me or not though. I think I will ask him why he chose to work with those kind of individuals and then go from there. I had an appointment with him on Tuesday and I will be seeing him again Tomorrow - Friday. We will see.

idk, mostly life is good - as long as I smoke a good amount of weed, face and process my emotions, cry if I feel it's necessary, and to always always force myself to have perspective.

I'm not sure what's going on right now

I don't really know what is going on in my life.
I attended butler partial program again for my depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I apparently scored high for OCD as well.
My cousin, April, moved in recently - like 3 days ago, too. Not sure how that will go yet. So far it's up in the air... both of us have a lot of adjusting to do.
I've been smoking a ton of bud at night to deal with the days.
Good news is though, that I haven't yelled in 4 days.

I've been working really hard on my own self control, on my parenting, I've deleted FB, and only scroll Instagram (so much more positivity!), and I'm trying to claim my life back.
I even cleaned my house, organized, got rid of toys, went through the winter stuff and swapped it for the summer stuff - for the past 3 days!
I feel proud of myself but under that I still feel quite sad sometimes.

I am not sure why I still feel so sad, I'm sure it's related to grief or something, because otherwise I am quite alright. I am doing ok...
Maybe that fact that we don't have much money is also weighing me down emotionally.

I applied for disability and I was supposed to have a phone interview tomorrow but I missed the calls because I had fallen asleep, I was exhausted. Hopefully Monday I can reschedule and it won't look too badly on me. Then again, I do have anxiety and such and typically avoid the phone like the plague.

Idk, I'm doing the best I can to get through this and just keep moving forward.

Too much loss, I'm overwhelmed.

I'm having a hard time emotionally. I feel sad, hurt, confused, angry, overwhelmed, and like I want to give up on most everything.
Idk what I want anymore in my life. It's all hitting me at once.
I know that I'm just struggling a lot to process all the loss I've been through lately, but I am so scared of ruining my life and doing things that aren't who I aim to be.
In Jan I lost my uncle Jack to cancer, right before that I left my friendship with my friend Rebecka because her bf was being abusive and she refused to leave or do anything about it and it was hurting me (selfish I know, but I just couldn't handle more pain), then someone stole Silas, then I left my friendship/relationship with Tom, and then my uncle Russ just died not too long ago from a heart attack.. and I feel empty, lost, and it all hurts so much. I know I haven't written about it. I notice that I tend to avoid really difficult experiences until I can no longer avoid them. I'm at that point. I should talk even more about it, but I just don't have the energy right now and Noel is crying and tired so I'm gonna make this quick.
Noel is also weaning and we are a week into our new journey of life without breastfeeding.
It's a lot of emotions all at once and I guess I don't really know how to process everything.
I feel lonely and undeserving of friendships and relationships. I feel like I annoy and bother everyone I talk to or that they aren't on my level and can't really understand or appreciate me.
Idk much anymore besides that I want to stop hurting, I wish I had greater friendships, and I want to move forward in my life without so much bogging me down. Lately, everything feels really heavy and I feel like it takes more effort than I have or can muster to function.
I'm doing the best I can and I won't give up.
But it hurts and it is so very very hard.

Proud moment.

Noel (3) just had his first difficult emotional struggle since we've ended breastfeeding. Day 2 of no nursing at all.
He cried a lot but he wasn't being harmful to anyone or anything.
I held him for a while and just let him cry. It was overwhelming for me but I knew that if I told him to stop crying, if I punished him, if I threatened him, if I got frustrated and screamed at him that I couldn't handle it (all things I truly impulsively wanted to do because of MY OWN emotional internal struggle) that he wouldn't be allowed or able to process his strong emotions, that he wouldn't be able to learn how to self regulate.
I put my own emotions aside so that I could help my son through this very difficult time I can only imagine he was having. We've had a long day out at the speedway and we woke up early this morning. I assume he must be tired and overstimulated from today.
Well anyhow, he cried, he cried a lot. For around 30-45 mins. And let me tell you, it was HARD for ME too.
I tried to talk to him, to comfort him because I KNEW he was hurting and I wanted to "fix", I wanted to "help". But then I remembered that the part of his brain that can process logic and that could hear me out was shut down, and the emotional part of his brain was currently in charge.
I stopped talking other than letting him know, "I am here for you. I love you very much." or to ask "is it ok if I rub your back?" or "do you want me to hold you?" Although, he didn't really "hear" those either.
I've found that holding my arms out and just offering support by body language was most beneficial and helpful. He went back and forth from my lap - being held/hugged/and rocked, to sitting/laying right next to me. When he was next to me, he didn't want to be touched or talked to at all, understandable. I know that sometimes when I'm really upset I don't want to be touched or talked to either - those in themselves can be much more triggering. Fair enough.
My husband tried to comfort our son by rubbing his back but Noel protested, shouting louder. I explained that sometimes people in general don't like to be touched. My husband reflected quickly and then understood. He then tried to talk to Noel but I explained that the logical part of his brain was turned off at this time and the best we could do was wait him out. My husband nodded. I could tell he felt similarly as I did - he just wanted to "help" and "fix". I guess that's just what we want to do as parents.
Noel finally started regulating back to his usual state - although, understandably still feeling upset, sad, and I would guess overwhelmed. Perfectly normal, I remember feeling those ways too after crying.
He then spoke. "Can I have your phone to play a game?"
I knew he was trying to find a coping skill - all on his own. He was looking for a way to self sooth without turning to milkies. He was asking for help ON HIS OWN.
I said gently, "I don't think that's a good idea right now, maybe later on when you feel calmer."
He understandably was upset again. He sat near me, the disappointment, frustration, and anger written on his face.
I empathized with his struggle.
I asked if he would like to color but he didn't.
I reached out to a friend, explained the situation and asked if she had ideas that could help.
I then saw a couple of Noel's toys laying near us. I had an idea.
I grabbed Noel's Catboy and Dragon that he LOVES so much and I started playing with them in front of him.
Then Noel pushed them both away, showing his frustration but I noticed something else as well. The light in his eyes.
I tried again.
He pushed them away again, this time playfully.
I dramatically pretended to have his toys soar through the air before crashing into the bed. He giggled.
I took catboy and I dodged Noel's punches as I had catboy tickle attack him. He laughed some more.
He then punched catboy over and over.
Some may think this encourages aggression but I disagree - it's a stuffed animal and I think it's great for him to let that energy out on a soft object rather than a person or hard object.
He then picked catboy up, turned to his daddy and said, "Daddy, will you play with me?"
Of course daddy played with him!
"tantrum" subsided, "tantrum" understood as extremely overwhelming and difficult emotions that HAD to be released, "tantrum" worked through positively for ALL of us.
I'm proud. I'm proud of him, I'm proud of me, I'm proud of my husband, I am proud of us ALL.
Parenting consciously, with empathy, respect for our little ones, gently, and patiently is HARD. But oh so, so so, very worth it.
#mommylifewithlaiandnoel

I'm still alive.

I'm angry. I am STILL so fucking angry.
I am angry at Tom, and hurt beyond belief.
I'm confused and lost.
Either he has always been this narcissistic abusive asshole and was REALLY good at hiding it, or I was just fucking stupid and I didn't recognize it, or ignored it, or idfk.
Or he changed, maybe I caused him to change.. he'd probably like me to believe that, so he can pin the blame on me. Probably why I even have that thought to blame myself, because that's what abusive pieces of shit do to people. They abuse them then make them feel like it's their own fault.
How did I overlook it?
To be honest, I always knew he was... strange for lack of better words.. that he was "different", that he had a sense of danger about him.. I guess that's why I always felt "important" to him, because he was never that cruel, harmful, angry person - toward me. I always felt like I meant something more to him, where he put that part of himself aside to be there for me and to love me. But apparently, I was wrong. People are who they are and they don't change or try to be a better version of themselves for anybody - not even their best friend or girlfriend, or anyone.
I miss him though, a lot. At least, who I always had.. who I thought he was. The person he was to me and for me. I miss that guy. I miss having someone to text at any time and always be responded to. I miss feeling like someone actually cared about understanding me. I miss someone digging in my head and forcing me to think deeper into things, while also offering other perspectives that I might have missed or overlooked. I miss the compliments he always gave me. Yet, all of it was exactly how he got in my head.
My boss recently did the same - hence why I quit.
She was very good at playing pretend, very good at giving compliments and making you feel good about yourself, very good at taking an interest in you and giving comforting words. But then turning around and showing you the nasty, vile, thoughtless side of herself. She claimed to me through text that I treat everyone like shit and that everyone in my life would leave me for it. I know that's not true and she doesn't even know me well enough to get in my head for my to actually believe that.
But Tom - he had that ability. But I stood strong. I stood my ground.
I refuse to let anyone treat me less than what I know I deserve. I determine my self worth - not him.
And although I've been trying really hard and that I made him leave and haven't talked to him since - he's really fucked with my head.
Sometimes I find myself questioning myself, sometimes I wonder if I really am the problem, sometimes I feel so extremely depressed and I question who I am, am I good am I bad? Sometimes I lose sight of who I am and who I aim to be one day. Sometimes I feel lonely and want my best friend back regardless of how he treats me.
But just like I don't want to go back to self harming, although, it feels so damn good.
I can't go back to him.
He's not healthy or safe for me. He's not what is good for me anymore.
But I miss him and I am allowed to miss him. I'm allowed to feel hurt and pain. I'm allowed to feel sad. And I do.
I've scheduled to attend the nearby mental health hospital partial program this upcoming Tuesday. I've been waiting for weeks. It's the best thing I know how to do for myself during a time like this.

And it's not just Tom. My uncle Jack passed away in January and I was literally the last person to see him alive, the last person to see him take a breath before vomit and mucus seeped out from his nose and mouth and forever left his body. It was hard and I miss him. But I am so glad that I was able to be there for him, tell him, and show him that I loved him and would always be thinking about him. If I weren't there, I know I would have regretted it every day, but I don't. I feel sort of at peace with it. I'm just happy he's not in pain anymore and, because he really truly was.

Then someone stole Silas, which I think I've posted about already but I miss him. A lot. I miss my "baby". I miss him cuddling up to me and him knowing when I was upset and needing loving. I miss how sweet he was and how he was always there for me. And now he's gone. It hurts, a lot.

And then my uncle Russ died.. a couple weeks ago. And I'm angry and hurt about it. I'm angry at myself for having not acknowledged the times he reached out to me, tried to be there for me, showed me love and support. I was so fucking young and stupid. I ignored his attempts at a relationship. He was an absolutely incredible man. He was intelligent, insightful, passionate, creative, kind, calm, patient, and loving - everything I am to be. I could have spent time learning from him. I could have picked his brain. I could have learned art from him. But I didn't. And I DO regret that. He was the ONLY family member on either side of my family who EVER mentioned Bennett and talked to me about him acknowledging that he is mine. He said, "I saw pictured of Bennett and they made me happy." I mattered to him, he tried showing me that, and I didn't let him in. And now I will regret that for the rest of my life.

So much loss. SO much pain.
I've been smoking a shit ton of weed, every night, just to get through this. It literally keeps me alive. When I light up - the pain is still there, but it's a billion times easier for me to process. It helps me cry, mourn, and talk about what, otherwise, feels trapped inside of me. It helps me regain control back over myself by offering me different perspectives I otherwise can not see because of my own hurt and trauma.

All I know is that I am doing the best I can. And I'm still alive.

Quit my job and went to six flags on weekend

I quit my job today. Way too much anxiety and too high of a risk.
I spent some time with my sister today and then went to the store to get more yarn and stuff I need with my sister and kids. We stopped at my moms for a bit but then left soon after because I have a headache and my face hurts from allergies.
Good news is that I got new furniture for my room and the kids, new bed sets, and things we really needed before I quit my job.
Things will probably get rough again, I have to remind myself that we can and will get through it, I've done it before and can do it again. It will be hard but worth it.
I need to stay positive and do the best I can to get through with what we have. I'm a good mom, I have an incredible husband, and we will figure it out.

The kids and I have some projects that we will be doing together soon - painting rocks, making a schedule, and making a chore chart.

Oh, in other news ! We went to Six Flags for Mother's day and it was a BLAST. SO much fun. The kids really enjoyed themselves. Noel went on some mini roller coasters. He LOVED it. LOL He definitely gets his liking of the thrill from me because Justin hates the thrill of rides haha. Lailah also loves roller coasters! She went on the sling shot with me and didn't even scream haha! I screamed so much and she was concerned about me, sweet thing <3

Angry because people are fucked

I feel angry. I am not sure why. I just feel extremely angry. Angry at people mostly.
How are people so unconscious?! How are they seemingly of less intelligence and compassion than animals?! I can't even understand.
Even worse, how are people even okay with that?!

I keep searching in life for people like me but I am finding that I am very alone.

Majority of people like living unconscious.
They like hurting others.
They enjoy making harmful decisions.
Nobody seems to even desire to want to do any of the work that can motivate change, positive, happy, healthy change.
I get it, change is hard... but what's even more hard is living unconscious and harmful.

Something is honestly fucked up with the world. Truly and sincerely fucked up.

Yet, here I am.

Life has been crazy.
Tom moved here and he turned out to not be who I thought he was. He instead is someone who I honestly feel I've never known or met before.
I kicked him out, he got arrested, then moved back to PA.

Two uncles of mine that I love - Uncle Jack and Uncle Russ have both passed away, and Silas was stolen.
I have a really good job, making really good money, but it's not something I truly want to be doing and it's something that has the potential to get me in trouble. But I know poverty, I've had more than just a taste of poverty in the past. My kids and I have gone without food, with stained and torn clothing, we washed clothing in the bathtub, and ate spaghetti every day, we know financial struggle, pain, and hunger. We know what it's like to have nothing. But now - all of that is gone.
I don't know what I want to do or where to go from here. Our culture and government make things extremely difficult.
College costs are sky high and you have to have a certain level of intelligence if you want to live decently. I am just not one of those people, I've tried.
I don't feel I have many choices in my life - I have contemplated if my life is already planned out and I just have to accept it and ride it out to wherever it leads. To just learn and to grow with everything life hands to me.
I keep thinking, "idk anymore", but the truth is that I have never known, I've never understood my life. This life - is unrecognizable. When I was younger I would have never ever assumed that this life would be mine.. but it is. If someone told me this would be my future I would have laughed. I would have told them that they're crazy... but yet here I am.

I am trying to focus on being the best person I can be, to learn, to grow, to evolve.. to take life with a grain of salt and just get through it the best I possibly feel I can. It's all I can do.

Adjusting to new life situations.

Tom has moved in with us, and so far so good. We're figuring it out as we go along.
Things are very different from what I am used to, so I am adjusting and I'm sure Justin and Tom are as well.
As of right now we're still figuring out what works for all of us and gives us all the greatest sense of comfort. As for now I am sleeping in with Tom Sat-Tues-and Thurs. I am with Justin for the rest of the nights. During the days we have been doing a lot together.
I've been working for a medical marijuana dispensary doing delivery driving but we are currently closed down for 2 weeks. I make really good money and it's worth working there, even though it could get me in trouble. I would do anything to keep my kids in a warm home, with clothing that fits, shoes that aren't falling apart, warm food in their bellies, a comfy bed to sleep in, and a whole world full of educational resources for them to learn from (homeschooling activities, books, workshops, etc). Completely worth putting myself on the line for them.
Things with my mom and sister are going really well, surprisingly. We've all been getting along and things have been really great recently (knock on wood). I've been spending more time than ever with my sister - we've been smoking up and playing cards against humanity.

I finally heard back from Liz; after 6 months! I received some pictures and videos. She gave me some homeschooling resources that I didn't know about before. I really appreciated that. I wish that she would communicate with me more frequently. I texted her multiple times and sent her a few packages in the mail that had a card filled out with my contact info before I finally heard back from her. It was a huge surprise but I'm glad it happened. I'm sure if I didn't push it, she wouldn't have either, and probably have continued on like I never existed. Who knows, maybe that is my own insecurity talking. *shrugs*

I have been avoiding how I feel emotionally for the most part. Bud makes that easier to do, easier to handle too.

Oh and I got  a new tattoo - a chest piece. It's just a really pretty lace piece that I feel is "me". Very feminine but also strong and classy.

Emotionally, inside, I've been a mess and I've struggled. But I've been coping really well impo. I haven't self harmed, my suicidal thoughts have been at an all time low - although sometimes I do feel depressed. When I start feeling depressed I try hard to focus on the things and people that I couldn't imagine losing - my husband, my kids, tom, my home, etc. I focus on all the things I love about them all. The hugs, the snuggles, the laughter that comes from my children's mouths, the giggles, the sweet little lips on my cheek and the tiny voices telling me they love me, their heartbeats that seemingly keep me alive as I press my head against their chest - listening to the thumping like my life depends on it as I inhale their scent in deeply. I hold onto it all and I realize - THIS is what life is - not the other stuff that tears me down - THIS is - these humans in my life that I couldn't imagine living without. I realize that I want to live life for them - so that I can keep experiencing all these incredible life moments with them. All the times my kids learn new skills, or when my husband gets a new job he's proud of, or when my boyfriend acquires a new skill he wishes to learn to assist him in his future. That is what I want to live for. And that is what I focus on.

Crazy life

Crazy life for a crazy person.

Tom is moving here this week at some point... yeah... craziness.
Justin and my marriage seems to be falling apart - unrelated to Tom.

I'm so frustrated and angry lately because Justin doesn't take care of himself, he has no desire to better himself as a human for himself, he doesn't clean himself, he doesn't clean the house, he doesn't do anything to grow himself. He does what I ask him to do - FOR me.
I don't want to feel like I am someones God, I want them to have the motivation to care for themselves and want to improve themselves for them, not for me.


I've been struggling mentally and emotionally as Bennett's birthday approaches. Not by choice either.
It's something I've been doing my best to avoid and ignore but I still have times where I struggle. I've been posting about it more on facebook and have got a lot of backlash about it - which was to be expected.

This month is rough for me with my middle son's birthday fast approaching next month. This was the month where I really lost myself and had given up on myself and my child. I remember crying all the time, scribbling in my journal about how I wish I could be more, be better, be what my baby "deserved". I was so stuck in a negative hormonal way of thinking based on what everyone else around me had told me. I hated myself and I just wanted to prove that I did love and want what was best for my baby.

The thought of other women entering this hell that I live - this trauma that revolves yearly, without my consent... is painful. I wouldn't wish what I experience on anyone.

The nightmares don't stop.

The anxiety doesn't just disappear.

The feelings of powerlessness and weakness overwhelm.

 I know what society tells me I SHOULD feel. I should feel happy he's loved, happy he is in a "good home", at least he's not aborted or dead, at least he's "better" cared for, I should feel grateful and proud, I should I should I should....

but then there's what I DO feel, regardless of what others expect me to feel.

Hurt, pain, loss, fear, anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares, instability - severe mental and emotional instability, trouble functioning, trouble sleeping, turning to inappropriate coping in attempt to get through the overwhelming storm within.

 You call me anti-adoption I call myself anti - trauma.


I'm head over heels crazy in love with Tom. I can't even help it. I've been wreaking my brain trying to figure out why I feel so deeply for him. I think the large majority of it has to do with the fact he's been so present in my life for so long.  He's ninjad his way into my brain and my psyche.

New Years has passed

The New Year has came and went and we have entered a new year - 2017.

Justin got laid off from his job a couple weeks before Christmas. We really struggled financially last month. But thankfully I got a really good paying job about a week ago. I make great money. I'm so excited about it lol.
Things are good. Besides the fact that I lost Rebecka as a friend but that's how life works. I just can't support people playing the victim and staying in harmful environments. It's not who I am and not something I want to associate with.
Justin and I are doing really well in our relationship and so is Tom and I as well. So far so good. I hate that Tom lives so far and that he works so much but we are getting through it, making it work.

Today I sent an email to my past therapist - Erica. I miss her and I hope that I'll be able to see her again and that she can provide therapy for me again. I feel that would really benefit me.

Justin and I have decided to ttc for our next baby, so that is also new. We contemplated it before everything with Tom came up, and then put it on pause for a while. But now we will continue it.

Not much else going on. I've been smoking bud again and SO SO happy. I feel sane and pretty stable.