I hate my mom and everything she is.

My mom I so fake.
She's the biggest bitch. Okay, I lie, probably not the biggest but I sure as hell can't tolerate her. I hate her and everything she is. She's a selfish bitch who puts others around her down to feel good about herself. She convinces herself that everyone else around her is what she really is. A pathetic mess, a bitch, a cunt, selfish, self centered, and everything else like that. She's stupid and I hate her.
Greedy fucking bitch.
Everyone sees her as he wants them to see her. Some people see through her and see the truth, but most people are too stupid for that. I can't want to get out and pretend she's dead to me. I can't wait til I can never hear her pathetic waste of a voice again!

Adoption shit

Today I called the adoption agency. Idk what to do yet. My goal is to get a car. If I can't get a car then I feel like I have to do the adoption. I feel I don't have many other choices.
I want to be a good mom.
I miss Lailah, she's with her grandparents. But going to Mark's helps me not be so depressed. He makes me feel happy. I mean, so does Lai. But it's not the same, you know? Mark might not ever accept me, love me, or want me. But for now this is what I can handle.
I can't stand my family. At least with Mark I don't feel as alone as I usually would. With Mark, I'm surviving. Things are tolerable. Yet he will never know that.

A Birth Mother's Choice

• Open adoptions
• letters
• pictures
• visitations
• calls
• pick own family
• can opt out at any time until paperwork final

• fax over proof of pregnancy
• pick a family
• meet
• talk
• housing in SC
• help with housing in SC
• counseling
• get to know family
• advertise for bio dad in last known big city - Providence

Call back Erin

He needs to decide.

I was going to write earlier but I didn't. Last night I talked to Mark again about how I can't keep doing this bs. I can't stand other girls flirting with him or anything and I can't do anything about it. I can't kiss him or do anything to show he's mind and it pisses me off and makes me so jealous.
I told him yet again he has to decide what he wants cuz I'm not gonna keep waiting around.
He legit has like one more month cuz this baby is coming soon. If he's not ready, I'm moving on.
I can't keep feeling like I'm a secret anymore. He's either gotta let me go so I can get over him or be with me and support my decisions.
I  don't want to wait months, having lost my bestfriend, my family gone, and being heart-broken too. He says he doesn't want to hurt me but I'll be hurt either way. I know I will.

Considering Adoption because I hate life

3:30 am
I find myself wishing I had a friend, someone who accepts me, loves me, cares about me, is there for me, doesn't judge me, is trustworthy, and being there for me is important.
But there seems to be no one like that. 
I miss Taylor, a lot. I love her you know and it hurts. Why can't I move on from the past?
Why can't I just feel normal? I want to love someone who loves me. And my children.
Thoughts from a suicidal:
Many people wonder how we could think of suicide. They say it's the cowards way out, but I'd like to see them choose death over their life. But when life feels that bad then it feels worth it.
If you wonder how a person can think of it let me ask you some questions...
Have you ever been abused? Mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually? By a parent? By a spouse? By your own child?
Have you been molested? Raped? Picked on?
Have you cried to yourself alone for days/weeks, with no one to care enough to check on you? Have you been admitted to a hospital, many, so that you don't have to be cared for by those who should love you?
Most who are suicidal first start with self harm. For me, I was like 6 when I started abusing myself.
I've been molested, abuse, raped. I've been used and broken.
Yet here I am.
Why?
Because of my daughter.
I have no one else. I might not ever. But I have Lailah, yet I still think of suicide?
Why?
Because I'm  21 and carrying the child of an abusive psychopath. Because I am living with my unstable mother. Because I don't have a car or a job, which go hand in hand. Because I have no friends. Because in an instant I could lose everyone and everything that holds me semi-stable.
I can't trust anyone and what kind of world is it if you can't trust anyone at all?
People use the phrase, "If you kill yourself you'll hurt me, you'll break everyone who loves you heart."
Really? Well guess what? People get over death and losing someone.
Especially someone you thought wasn't worth being there for n the first place.
But us suicidal thinkers, we don't get over the past, we can't just move on. Every day tortures us. Memories. Nightmares.

You aren't the ones suffering.



1:50 pm
I'm on he verge of tears. Idk what to do. I want to keep my son but I can't. I feel like I can't. I hate my family.  I have no emotional support. I'm hurt. I feel like giving up on everything.
My aunt texted Moe saying, "Rachael shouldn't be having kids since she doesn't take care of them."
No matter how hard I try, it isn't good enough. Everyone talks shit about me behind my back. No one cares what I'm dealing with or going through.

1. Abrahams center of Life Adoption, surrogacy, embryo & egg donor agency

• 24 hour help line
• housing & medical

2. An Act of Love Adoptions

• Free counseling
• Medical
• Housing
• Transportation

3. A Birth Mothers Choice

• www.ABMCHOICE.ORG

Whatever.

I feel so lazy today. I woke up at like 9:30 then laid there. Then fell back asleep an hour later till 12. Anyways, last night Mark was joking around with me but it hurt. Today is his birthday and last night I had a lot on my mind. Not when midnight was.
Caroline called 5 mins after and was like HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you. Blah blah.
Then Mark said, "I can't believe Caroline said happy B-day before you did".
"She would have kissed me at midnight."
"She used to come over... jk"
I'm like, "Um, ok, then go be with her?" Like wtf. Way to make me feel shitty. W.e. I left. I hate it. Whatever.

End of friendship

Today was a weird roller coaster of ups and down's of my moods. Ok. Fine. Depressed. Who cares. Depressed. Ok. Happy. I hate it.  I want to feel normal.
Well, Mark was in a meeting in Conn all day. He texted me when he got home. He wanted me to go over after cards but I think he fell asleep and it's okay cuz for once, I don't really want to go out.
On another note, I have to stop being friends with Tay, my best friend of like 7 years. She betrayed me. For years I was in love with her and she swore she was 100% straight. Now that Travis is a girl is a girl she's "open minded" ? wtf. She also had Lisa ditch Moe after Lisa supposedly came here for Moe, only to like choose Tay. Lovely. What a great mess I'm in the middle of. Pathetic. Now I'm gonna fill the rest of these spaces because Lailah is telling me to! <3

Why does this keep me sane?

Why does this keep me going? Why does it keep me sane?
I'm not completely sad anymore. I get depressed still but I can cope better.
This Mark thing. Why?

Lailah shows me love, why isn't that enough? Why do I feel  need this, more?
I love being with Mark. Cuddling, watchin movies, kissing, holding hands, sex, all of it. Why does he have me over every night even though he has work at 7am? Why does he make the efford to comfort me when I'm upset? Why is he still there when I push him away?
        I love it. I crave it. I want it.

I'm treated more unfairly than Moe/ Mark's effort

My sister is such a bitch and she always gets her own way. It's not fair. Then again, what is fair?
I'm so sick of this. It's pathetic. Idk why I'm still here dealing with this BS.


Moe 
Dropped out
never got beaten
got time with parents
had one job
got fired
got GED
mom pays cell
own room
new clothing
queen sized bed
best friends
never alone

Myself
Graduated HS
did get beaten
got time with hospital staff
have had 7 jobs
she got ME fired
went to college
paid own cell at 16 yo
never had my own room
pays for own clothing
no bed/ uses brothers
one friend
alone


16 hours later
Yesterday (this early morning really) kindah really hurt me. I felt betrayed by Moe and Taylor. My sister and my best friend.
They found out "Travis" is actually a girl, after 5 years. This girl messed up my relationships with both for 5 years. And everyone not only mentioned he was a she but also that she was coming to stay at my house for the week. wtf.
On the upside Mark and I seem good, yesterday after poker he came over for a bit and actually talked to Lailah. I mean, he's not experienced with kids or anything, but maybe he will learn. Here's to hoping and wishing he will.
At least he's making an effort.

What do I mean?!

I'm feeling okay. Annoyed, pissed off.
I feel like I'm a game being played sometimes.
No call. No text.
wtf do I mean?
Whatever.
Now I start ignoring him again, unless he calls tonight
Which I doubt.
Now I'm gonna read to Lailah, put her to sleep and then read my book til I sleep.
Night

And of course he would call 5 mins later.
Now let's see if he texts me tomorrow before 1 pm.

I'm weak.

Guess what? Last night I stayed at Mark's house. Lai is at her grandparents house. I miss her. I can't wait til she comes home later. Anyways. Yeah, I know, I'm weak and he got his own way. But I'm falling for him. I don't think he'll hurt me. I been hurt worse before. Maybe the delicious food is worth the after pain. Maybe he won't be poison. But I'll never know if I don't try. I'm crazy about him. I'll just wait it out I guess, or try to. Maybe the less time I spend with him the easier it'll be. I think he likes me but he's scared and confused because of my kids. If he plays me cuz I'm pregnant and hurts me, I will tell EVERYONE he knows, EVERYTHING! Cuz I'm a bitch like that.
Karma. I'ma  fan.

I'm an obsessive person. When I can't stop thinking about someone or something, there's nothing I can do. Right now, it's Mark.
I'm going nuts and it's annoying me. He was supposed to text me. But didn't. I texted him. He said he was in a meeting. Okay, then at 10 he said he was just getting out. So then I said call me when you get home? And no answer. Wtf?
Ugh!

Okay day..

I don't really remember last night. I remember Lailah stayed up late with me. We took a bath then she put cream on my belly. What a good big sister!
Then we read a story book and wen to bed.
Today has been okay. Today Moe was talking to the baby and he was moving like crazy! I couldn't stop laughing. I hope today stays good.

Restart a friendship with Scott?

Today I feel numbed. I want to go out with a friend, like Tay or Ashley but I don't want to talk to a guy anymore.
Part of me wants to talk to Mark but I know that won't happen. Another part of me wants to talk to Scott but apparently he can't keep his word. He said he'd text me when he woke up. I doubt he's been asleep since 3am til now.
I'd rather feel this than the depression but I'm afraid those feelings will be back tonight like usual. Last night I was texting Scott and I guess were gonna try to get our friendship back. If we can, we'll get a house down there and I'll leave here. But my top goals are school for now and getting a car.

I just want to be loved.

I feel sad. And I shouldn't. Lailah has waned me all day, she's been by my side, I played board games with my family. Yet I'm still sad.
Depressed.
I feel like I don't want to be here.
I just want to break down and cry.
I feel alone.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I feel like I'd rather feel nothing than this pain.
I want a friend.
A real friend.
Someone I can trust and love.
Someone who wants to see me happy and I want to see them happy.
I would do so much for my "friends" but they'd do nothing for me.
No one cares.
No one loves.

I guess I just want what I feel I've never truly had only have tasted and want more of.

I always think something must be wrong with me, but I can't find it.
I'm pretty.
I'm smart.
I'm a great mom.
I'm a great friend.
I have a good personality.
I'm fun.
I'm loving and caring.

I'm just trapped.
I'm stuck here and I have kids. Two no no's for people.

Ugh I miss Mark.


Depression, depression.

I know I keep dreading it but idk how to make my thoughts stop or control my feelings.

I keep thinking about Mark and the baby. I keep trying to believe I know I did right by stopping talking to Mark but then why does the right choice feel so shitty and the wrong choice would feel so right.

Those choices being to stop talking to him or not.
But he made the choices that he didn't want a relationship with me cuz of my kids. He just wanted to continue seeing me.
And I'm already feeling hurt by stopping of seeing him.

I'm miserable.
I want love.

Boy baby names

Boy names

Aubrey - Elfin king
Beau - handsome
Eden - Delight
Everett, Averett - Strong as boar
Ian - God is forgiving
Kamden - unsure
Declan - Full of goodness
Liam - Will, desire, protection
Wyatt - Brave, strong
Lenox - With many elm trees
Xander - short of Alexander
Quinn - Wise
Caelin - Powerful warrior
Kaelan - slender, fair


Deklyn Everett
Kamdryn Beau

Side note - August 16, 2011
I would have named him
Destin Edone  (pronounced Eden)

Destined One.

Not the prince - poem

I looked outside the tower and I thought you were my prince.
You were charming, handsome, and swore you could fight!
You entered the tower to get me from the tip.
But you weren't prince charming ,
you sucked at Black Opts.
You were just a coward you couldn't rescue a damsel in distress.
Too many dragons in my tower, you forgot your armor!

Dreaming on wishes

Every day I try to push myself forward, telling myself, "It'll get better, things will look up." But when I'm depressed I find I have no one to be there for me. No one to hold me while I cry and to try to help me with a solution. I find I have no one who cares enough to be here for me when I need them the most. That a bunch of people would go to my funeral and they'd all be liars. That even if they knew, not one of them would have been there when I needed someone the most, knowing each and every one of them there could have prevented the reason they're all there.
But they're all fake.


I'm petrified. I feel so alone. How will I go to school, work, dance, and care for a newborn and a 3year old?
But then how will I deal with waking up every 3 hours without my son there?
How will I deal with pumping every 2 hours without a aby to feed it to? How will I deal with a year - two years from now at a playground or McDonald's or mall and I see a baby boy who looks just like Lailah or Steve and wonder. I wonder if he is really mine?
I wonder if he talks or has certain personality traits that I do?
I'm due May 26th. My family is going on a cruise without me in June. The first week. I'm scared of being alone.
But I feel that's all I ever am. Everyone wants me to lie, to continue. But why? They aren't the ones miserable, scared, lonely, and loveless.

I want to feel loyalty, honesty, love, the unconditional kind. I want to feel appreciated, cared about. But I feel like I never will.

I'm dreaming on wishes that are beyond expected.

I just called a suicide prevention number
She asked if I needed medical attention.
I said no, or I wouldn't call at all.
She said, well then I can't help you.
WTF?!
She said call this other number. I said, I did and they're busy.
She said, then you just need to wait.

What else can I do, I have nobody!

Sketchy

I suck at life. I'm still talking to Mark. Yesterday I went to poker and met him there. He got jealous that on break Adam was talking to me. He always says he is joking but I know he means it too. Then Mark left and got a ride with Megan which really bothered me. After like, causing a scene at poker about me texting me sister.
I guess trying to show Adam that he's talking to me. But then I got pissed because when he left with Megan he didn't call/text/or answer me for 3 hours!
Mad sketchy.

Then he texted me saying he fell asleep and that I'm cute when I worry.

>.<

Then we talked on the phone and he was like, I don't want you to be mad, sorry for being sketchy.

Why do I let this happen?

I just got back from Mark's an hour or so ago. I left when he fell asleep. Why?
Because I can't do it anymore. I hold zero trust for anyone anymore.

Strike 1
He didn't want a "relationship" with a girl with two kids.
Then he just didn't want a relationship at all but wanted to continue seeing me.
He didn't want the responsibility of having to act like a boyfriend but he expected me to act like a girlfriend.
No way.
Drive to his house, always go see him, drive to go get him, etc. No, I won't anymore.

Strike 2
I found a piece of long curly black hair in his bed. Clearly, not mine or his.
A. He had a girl over - but A doesn't seem likely since his mom commented on me being over, so
B. The hair got on him and into his bed.
Carolyn and Megan both have black hair.

Strike 3
He was texting Carolyn about bringing her to his parent's streak house for dinner.

That's all I have to say.

I'd ask, why does this always happen to me? But I know the answer.
Because I let it.

Then ask, Why do I let it? And I know that too.
Because I want love. From one person, I want love. I want someone who will never judge me or hurt me. Someone who will have faith in me, fight for me, and never leave me.
That's why.

What does he want?

I'm upset that I haven't gotten my ultrasound photos. It's been almost a week and I haven't gotten them because the machine was broken.
Unfair.
I keep getting crazy Deja Vu. Like I've already lived periods of time before. Like I've gone back through a time warp. Like I know I've already done all of this. And I don' know why it keeps happening. But it's a bit creepy.

Every day, I try to push Mark away. I don't know what he wants from me. I'm having another baby in a few months. I feel like he deserves much better than me. He's district manager in his company, he owns his own office. He's a great guy. But I wonder what he wants with me. He tells me he likes me. But he doesn't want a relationship. Especially with a girl with two kids. Then why does he continue seeing me?
Answer: Cuz he likes me.
But that's not a great answer.
Why does he still call me even if I'm mean and say I'm gonna stop seeing him?
Why does he always want me over, every night?
Why does he like to cuddle with me and kiss me?
If I didn't have kids, would he want me?

Adoption

Adoption

- My mom makes me hate myself.
- I have no job.
- I have no car.
- I'm trapped.


I don't want to give my baby away, my son. But how can I keep him? Struggling my whole life.

I can't decide.
Why am I alone?

I don't want to feel worthless anymore

Today I am 30 weeks pregnant. I'm crying my eyes out. I can't do any of this anymore. I hate being here. Everything sucks.
My mom makes me feel like shit. I just want to get out of here. I want to feel like I'm not worthless or pathetic. I want to feel loved for once in my life. I want t matter to someone. Why can't my family love me like other families do? Why do I feel so alone in a world full of people? There's so much beauty out there in the world and I feel trapped. I'm sick of feeling like I'm stuck under a rock and dealing with each season.
I have no one here for me.
How do I get this rock off of me?
I'm not strong enough.
I've been strong enough to survive under this rock, to withstand storms and temperature changes but I'm not strong enough to get it off.
Someone save me please !

Normally people start off in life with clear skies and travel group and if the lose their group they have a survival kit.
Difference is my group is right here watching as I suffer. Mocking me. Telling me how pathetic I am, that I can't get out. How worthless I am since I'm stuck. I do all that I can but there's no way out. I just want to die and end this misery, to be one less pathetic mouth to feed in this travel group. I'm going nowhere and neither are they, until I show them the light.
I just want today to end. I'm laying in my bed crying. If I leave my room, I'll have to deal wit my moms bitchy attitude. I can't do it anymore.

I'm jealous of others. How much their parents help them, love them, are there for them. I just wish I felt the same love. All my friends grew up with their own room. Most parents either gave my friends rides to a job until they could afford a car or they gave them one. I feel like I'm on my own. Like I'm shot and walking to an emergency hospital as everyone else around me watches.

In life, I tend to look for a life partner, for someone to love me unconditionally, to be there for me when I feel down; I figure, out of billions of people, at least one person in life might love me, right? People call me a whore, a slut, they say I sleep around. But I don't care because even if the guy I'm with doesn't love me or they're using me, they show me a feeling I only feel with them. They give me attention. They show me worth. They hold my hand, run their hand through my hair, they stare into my eyes, they make me smile and laugh.

Right now I'm seeing Mark.
He's smart and funny, sarcastic.
He makes me feel of some importance. When I'm with him I feel like a person. I feel like I can be who I am. He watches Prison Break with me every night. He holds my hand and jokes with me. He sings with me in the car. He makes me feel that my silliness is okay. At poker he'll grab my leg or run his fingers down mine, he will mess up my hair and kiss me on my cheek. He gives me butterflies and takes my breath away. But he doesn't know what he does to me.
People talk, they judge me.
But this is one area I don't listen because it's the only person who makes me feel that way.