Today I am 30 weeks pregnant. I'm crying my eyes out. I can't do any of this anymore. I hate being here. Everything sucks.
My mom makes me feel like shit. I just want to get out of here. I want to feel like I'm not worthless or pathetic. I want to feel loved for once in my life. I want t matter to someone. Why can't my family love me like other families do? Why do I feel so alone in a world full of people? There's so much beauty out there in the world and I feel trapped. I'm sick of feeling like I'm stuck under a rock and dealing with each season.
I have no one here for me.
How do I get this rock off of me?
I'm not strong enough.
I've been strong enough to survive under this rock, to withstand storms and temperature changes but I'm not strong enough to get it off.
Someone save me please !
Normally people start off in life with clear skies and travel group and if the lose their group they have a survival kit.
Difference is my group is right here watching as I suffer. Mocking me. Telling me how pathetic I am, that I can't get out. How worthless I am since I'm stuck. I do all that I can but there's no way out. I just want to die and end this misery, to be one less pathetic mouth to feed in this travel group. I'm going nowhere and neither are they, until I show them the light.
I just want today to end. I'm laying in my bed crying. If I leave my room, I'll have to deal wit my moms bitchy attitude. I can't do it anymore.
I'm jealous of others. How much their parents help them, love them, are there for them. I just wish I felt the same love. All my friends grew up with their own room. Most parents either gave my friends rides to a job until they could afford a car or they gave them one. I feel like I'm on my own. Like I'm shot and walking to an emergency hospital as everyone else around me watches.
In life, I tend to look for a life partner, for someone to love me unconditionally, to be there for me when I feel down; I figure, out of billions of people, at least one person in life might love me, right? People call me a whore, a slut, they say I sleep around. But I don't care because even if the guy I'm with doesn't love me or they're using me, they show me a feeling I only feel with them. They give me attention. They show me worth. They hold my hand, run their hand through my hair, they stare into my eyes, they make me smile and laugh.
Right now I'm seeing Mark.
He's smart and funny, sarcastic.
He makes me feel of some importance. When I'm with him I feel like a person. I feel like I can be who I am. He watches Prison Break with me every night. He holds my hand and jokes with me. He sings with me in the car. He makes me feel that my silliness is okay. At poker he'll grab my leg or run his fingers down mine, he will mess up my hair and kiss me on my cheek. He gives me butterflies and takes my breath away. But he doesn't know what he does to me.
People talk, they judge me.
But this is one area I don't listen because it's the only person who makes me feel that way.
No comments:
Post a Comment