Dreaming on wishes

Every day I try to push myself forward, telling myself, "It'll get better, things will look up." But when I'm depressed I find I have no one to be there for me. No one to hold me while I cry and to try to help me with a solution. I find I have no one who cares enough to be here for me when I need them the most. That a bunch of people would go to my funeral and they'd all be liars. That even if they knew, not one of them would have been there when I needed someone the most, knowing each and every one of them there could have prevented the reason they're all there.
But they're all fake.


I'm petrified. I feel so alone. How will I go to school, work, dance, and care for a newborn and a 3year old?
But then how will I deal with waking up every 3 hours without my son there?
How will I deal with pumping every 2 hours without a aby to feed it to? How will I deal with a year - two years from now at a playground or McDonald's or mall and I see a baby boy who looks just like Lailah or Steve and wonder. I wonder if he is really mine?
I wonder if he talks or has certain personality traits that I do?
I'm due May 26th. My family is going on a cruise without me in June. The first week. I'm scared of being alone.
But I feel that's all I ever am. Everyone wants me to lie, to continue. But why? They aren't the ones miserable, scared, lonely, and loveless.

I want to feel loyalty, honesty, love, the unconditional kind. I want to feel appreciated, cared about. But I feel like I never will.

I'm dreaming on wishes that are beyond expected.

I just called a suicide prevention number
She asked if I needed medical attention.
I said no, or I wouldn't call at all.
She said, well then I can't help you.
WTF?!
She said call this other number. I said, I did and they're busy.
She said, then you just need to wait.

What else can I do, I have nobody!