I find myself wishing I had a friend, someone who accepts me, loves me, cares about me, is there for me, doesn't judge me, is trustworthy, and being there for me is important.
But there seems to be no one like that.
I miss Taylor, a lot. I love her you know and it hurts. Why can't I move on from the past?
Why can't I just feel normal? I want to love someone who loves me. And my children.
Thoughts from a suicidal:
Many people wonder how we could think of suicide. They say it's the cowards way out, but I'd like to see them choose death over their life. But when life feels that bad then it feels worth it.
If you wonder how a person can think of it let me ask you some questions...
Have you ever been abused? Mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually? By a parent? By a spouse? By your own child?
Have you been molested? Raped? Picked on?
Have you cried to yourself alone for days/weeks, with no one to care enough to check on you? Have you been admitted to a hospital, many, so that you don't have to be cared for by those who should love you?
Most who are suicidal first start with self harm. For me, I was like 6 when I started abusing myself.
I've been molested, abuse, raped. I've been used and broken.
Yet here I am.
Why?
Because of my daughter.
I have no one else. I might not ever. But I have Lailah, yet I still think of suicide?
Why?
Because I'm 21 and carrying the child of an abusive psychopath. Because I am living with my unstable mother. Because I don't have a car or a job, which go hand in hand. Because I have no friends. Because in an instant I could lose everyone and everything that holds me semi-stable.
I can't trust anyone and what kind of world is it if you can't trust anyone at all?
People use the phrase, "If you kill yourself you'll hurt me, you'll break everyone who loves you heart."
Really? Well guess what? People get over death and losing someone.
Especially someone you thought wasn't worth being there for n the first place.
But us suicidal thinkers, we don't get over the past, we can't just move on. Every day tortures us. Memories. Nightmares.
You aren't the ones suffering.
1:50 pm
I'm on he verge of tears. Idk what to do. I want to keep my son but I can't. I feel like I can't. I hate my family. I have no emotional support. I'm hurt. I feel like giving up on everything.
My aunt texted Moe saying, "Rachael shouldn't be having kids since she doesn't take care of them."
No matter how hard I try, it isn't good enough. Everyone talks shit about me behind my back. No one cares what I'm dealing with or going through.
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3. A Birth Mothers Choice
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