I just want to be loved.

I feel sad. And I shouldn't. Lailah has waned me all day, she's been by my side, I played board games with my family. Yet I'm still sad.
Depressed.
I feel like I don't want to be here.
I just want to break down and cry.
I feel alone.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I feel like I'd rather feel nothing than this pain.
I want a friend.
A real friend.
Someone I can trust and love.
Someone who wants to see me happy and I want to see them happy.
I would do so much for my "friends" but they'd do nothing for me.
No one cares.
No one loves.

I guess I just want what I feel I've never truly had only have tasted and want more of.

I always think something must be wrong with me, but I can't find it.
I'm pretty.
I'm smart.
I'm a great mom.
I'm a great friend.
I have a good personality.
I'm fun.
I'm loving and caring.

I'm just trapped.
I'm stuck here and I have kids. Two no no's for people.

Ugh I miss Mark.


Depression, depression.

I know I keep dreading it but idk how to make my thoughts stop or control my feelings.

I keep thinking about Mark and the baby. I keep trying to believe I know I did right by stopping talking to Mark but then why does the right choice feel so shitty and the wrong choice would feel so right.

Those choices being to stop talking to him or not.
But he made the choices that he didn't want a relationship with me cuz of my kids. He just wanted to continue seeing me.
And I'm already feeling hurt by stopping of seeing him.

I'm miserable.
I want love.