Christmas Facetime visit

Okay so Liz called me for our Facetime visit. It went well, I guess. Bennett LOVED his Elmo hat that I knitted him!! I was so happy !!
But Bennett is spoiled rotten by them. He'll be 3 in April and he's still on a baby bottle. He throws toys, he doesn't even know the concept of 'pick up after yourself'. He yells at his aparents. He even picked up a woven vase that was in the living room and threw it across the room.
He seems happy and generally healthy though I guess. He's loved too as far as I can tell.
We were on the call for about an hour.
She got me an adoption pendant necklace. I don't really know how to feel about it. I want to love it but with my uhm... dislike of adoption as a whole, I guess it's difficult for me to. If it were just the pendant maybe I would love it, but it came along with a little card. On the card it read:

Forever Connected Pendant

 All those in the adoption triad are forever connected by the heart. Time, nor distance can alter that infinite connection. Out beautiful Forever Connected Heart pendant is exquisitely crafted by a talented jewelry designer. The sterling heart encompasses and shelters those in the triad... the 2 small 14k gold beads represents the birth family and the adoptive family... the pink pearl the adoptee - all flowing freely together yet independently. A truly special keepsake gift.

I should just feel grateful that they even thought about me at all. I should just feel happy that I even got the Facetime visit at all. But I guess I'm selfish. One of my sons is not with me and it sucks. It's unfair. They have him and I don't. This pendant is lovely, I won't lie. I think it's beautiful and I enjoy the gesture. But all I can see when I look at it is the fact that the pink pearl is not in the middle between the "birthparents" and the aparents. I can only assume that the middle gold ball is the aparents standing in the way of the adoptee and nparents. I can't see it any other way.

(Edit: Add on - Liz also sent me a letter that I feel I should also include here.)

Holiday Festivities 2013

Yesterday was Christmas. It was alright. Not so bad afterall. I watched Lailah open her presents and she really loved her dollhouse!! I was so happy she did. She's actually playing with it right now. :) Noel is lying on my lap on his boppy and he's content. :)
The only thing that bothered me about yesterday was that Justin was going to go to his dads house around noon and stay there all day til 7 or 8. And on Christmas Eve he worked til 4pm so I didn't see him all morning/noon. So I was pretty hurt that I wouldn't be seeing him on Christmas either.
I didn't really want to go to his dads house because I know that they got presents for Justin and Noel and not for Lailah or myself. Now, I don't care about the idea that they didn't get anything for me at all. What did bother me was knowing they got gifts for Noel and not Lailah, yet they wanted me to bring Noel over. Idk what they expected I'd do with Lailah. Leave her at home perhaps? I am working hard at making Lailah not feel left out due to her new baby brother. I want her to feel involved and still remembered, not forgotten. I don't want her to feel that her brother stole all her attention or gets more love and care than she does. For the past week she's even slept in her own bed all night without crawling into mine and that's huge for her !
Anyways, I used the excuse that she has head lice - which unfortunately she does. And he didn't end up going anyhow. They really just wanted to see Noel - but that's not an option since I Exclusively BreastFeed (EBF). We don't have bottles or anything like that and I don't even pump milk.
On Christmas Eve I went to my grandmothers Christmas party which she holds every year and it's also her birthday. I didn't mind going but a few things bothered me quite a bit while I was there.  First my Aunt Bev asked me if I circumcised Noel and I told her no. So she said, "You're going to though, right?" And I was like, "Nope." And she had this look of offense on her face and she just turned the other way and stopped asking questions. - Really? My other aunt did the same thing a few days beforehand and then she spat back, "It's cleaner!". What is their interest in my childs private parts and what I as his mother have chosen to do or in this case NOT to do to it?! What is it their business at all?
Next - Lailah was bouncing on my grandmothers exercise ball. It was a big ball, up to about Lailah's belly button or so. So she was lying on it and bouncing on it. She was wearing a long dress with tights so you couldn't see anything from the backside. She was facing the majority of the people in the room though. So she's bouncing and talking to my grandmother about whatever it is they were talking about when out of nowhere my aunt Bev's disgusting and apparently pedifile boyfriend says, "Lailah, turn around and do that for me!" I got SO disgusted. I called Lailah over to me and told her to put the ball away. - Seriously, what is wrong with that grown man?! I will never ever go anywhere with my children where he is ever again. Oh and ontop of it when I had first gotten there I put Noel in the Moby and I started nursing him. Nobody could even tell until my grandmother asked me to show Noel to her friend and I responded, "Okay but know that he's eating." So then the same guy got up and shouted, "Nobody wants to see no babies eating!" And stormed from the living room into the kitchen area. OHHHH but you want to see my five year olds backside bouncing on a ball?! You sicko!
Then towards the end of the night my 13 yr old cousin had an allergic reaction to peanuts which she apparently didn't know she was allergic to. At the party she started vomiting and then she collapsed to the ground unable to breathe. She was feeling itchy and hot everywhere. Her mother - my other aunt told her to, "Get over it." So after about 15 mins my mom and grandmother convinced my aunt to take my lil cousin to the hospital or else they'd call an ambulance. Soooo, come to find out that my little cousin arrived just on time as her lungs collapsed once they arrived. Luckily, my cousin is now doing fine and she was sent home with an epipen.
Hm... is there anything else on my mind?
My mom got me two Alex and Ani bracelets this year - one with an N on it and one with an L on it for Noel and Lailah. :) It was thoughtful of her. Today we went to the all and I got her a grandmother Alex and Ani bracelet. :)

I'm going to make a completely new post about my Facetime visit with Bennett.

No winning. Wrong.

So much reeling in my head about adoption and Bennett lately. And there's no "right way". I feel that as a Nmom everything I can possibly do will always be wrong. From the moment I signed those papers, every move I make adoption related will always be wrong. I will always be ridiculed and I will never be understood. My future is sure to be a rough one at some point and I can't help but to just want to drown it out as soon as possible so that it can't even happen. But I'd still be in the wrong for doing that. I feel like I don't even matter. That adoption isn't about me and never should be. But it does have a lot to do with me and I hurt, I feel, I have pain. But who cares? The only thing that will or should ever matter is how Bennett feels. And we're a long way from knowing how he will feel. So, what do I do in the meantime? Because to survive most of the time I just want to move forward and not think about it all as often as I do. I want him to live his life unconfused about "Facetime visits with Rachael." Some stranger who sometimes pops in to watch a tad bit about his life. I want him to grow up as normal as he could. I know that I can't ever make him feel loved. Who loves their child yet "gives them up"? I was 21, I should have been stronger - mentally and emotionally. How did I let this happen? How could I have loved him as much as I love Noel and Lailah if I didn't fight as hard to keep him as I fought to keep Lailah at 18 and Noel? How can I ever let him feel loved and not abandoned and given up on?
Right now I stand in this place of so badly wanting peace. I want to pretend that my child had passed away and he's some sort of clone of my child that they got to take home. He isn't mine. In my head I can't feel like he's mine even though I KNOW he is. He is theirs and who am I to ever stand in the way of that? Amom knows everything about him, just as I know everything about Lailah and Noel. Amom spent all her time coming to love and cherish that little boy when I didn't step up and do it. She has grown attached to him as I have to Lailah over the years. I will never be his mother and I often feel like I don't want to be a nmom. I want to forget and leave him alone with his family to grow up happy and healthy. I want to heal and feel closure.
But at the same time, I don't want to have him show up on my doorstop one day demanding I love him - this adult who is biologically related to me, this adult I grew within me one year many many years before, this adult who is now a stranger. Who I know very little about. Or show up on my doorstop one day questioning how I could do this to him, how I could given up on him, seeking answers that I can't or don't know to give. I don't want any part of it.
I feel selfish and pathetic. But I just want to be able to live, learn, accept, and grow. I want the children I have with me to feel every ounce of love I have to give and never feel like I'd abandon them or leave them behind for strangers too. I want to have faith all will be okay and I want to move forward.
Wrong though, I will always be in the wrong.

Imagine spending so long blocking out a painful memory. Something that eats you alive from the inside. Every waking moment you force yourself eventually, to shut it off or else you cant function. You live inside this deep and dark depression; feeling worthless and pathetic. I mean - you couldn't even keep and raise your own baby. So over the years you turn it off, you fight the urges to kill yourself, and fight the urges to constantly hate and blame yourself. Then one day someone shows up on your doorstop demanding that you love them. You know nothing about this stranger except that you once grew them within your body many many years ago and then "gave up" on them. Everything that you've fought to ignore for so long..... it floods in and it destroys you. You fall to the deepest pits of your barely existing soul and you feel smothered in darkness. You're trapped. Everything is falling apart. You're a monster all over again. There's no escaping the pity you are, the worthlessness, you feel undeserving of every bit of life. You've ruined another persons life. You created life and you ruined it all in one shot. What kind of person are you if you can do that?You created it only to ruin it? You're a failure. You wanted what was best; you wanted protection. But none of that is what is seen or what has happened. You are wrong. You will always be wrong.
Make a choice. You'll be wrong no matter which way you go. You're always wrong; always will be wrong from the moment your hand signed that mini life you made away. Every choice from therein out is wrong too. Keeping the next sibling even, or placing that one too; wrong. Wrong. No move you make can be right. Wanting pictures, updates, wanting to share bits of the adoptees life or keeping your distance and wanting them to live as normal as possible; wrong. Wrong. No move is right. There's no winning. Once your soul is sold to the devil. Or as adoptees would see it, there's no winning once you sell their soul to the devil.

Sleepy Noel makes it all okay. :)

Hi there.
Well, Noel is 4 days old today. :) he's a sweetheart. Although, he seems to have night and day messed up lol. He was up all night cluster feeding, nursing non-stop. Until about 5:30am where he finally napped with me until 8:30!! He then ate about 15 mins each breast before falling asleep again at 10 and sleeping til 1pm with me :). After that he nursed again for 15 mins each breast. Then slept again from about 2-3:30. I then woke him to nurse and he did for about 10 mins on one breast. After that he was awake for about 45 mins perfectly content and looking around the car - since we were going to a fundraising dinner for my lil cousin Chelsea. Then around 4:30 he went back to sleep while we were at the fundraiser. I got him awake a bit so that he could nurse and we nursed discreetly in the Moby :)
I was sort of annoyed because while we were out my aunts and my grandmother decided it was their job to tell me what I SHOULD do and what I NEED to do.

"Are you sure you can eat that? Shouldn't you be on a special diet? Are you sure you want to drink that? You should start pumping so you don't feed in public. I'm sure Justin doesn't like that he can't feed Noel. You need to invest in a breast pump. You should donate your extra milk if you get an over supply."

Uh, no. I don't have to and I shouldn't do anything that I don't want to. You don't know my Justin so you should keep your mouth closed on what he feels.
Oh and no, I'm not poisoning my baby because I'm continuing the same foods/drinks I had during pregnancy.

Can't people mind their own business? I'm a better mom than any of them have been. And that's something I'm pretty sure of.

In other unrelated news - which I sort of really don't want to ruin this amazingly adorable and happy post...but I feel compelled to say all that is on my mind on here, Liz. -.-

I'm unhappy with her. She texted me last night saying, 

"Hey Rachael! Congrats on baby Noel! I'm sure you are loving him! We are excited to see you too! Bennett has his Christmas program tonight but either tonight or in the morning we can FaceTime. It will kind of depend on what my family wants to do after his program. We have a pretty large crowd of family members coming to see him, but if we get home early enough we could do it. I can text you and see if it's a good time for you."

So I texted her back saying that yeah that should be fine and that I look forward to hearing back from her. That I also hope that Bennett really enjoys his program and that I'd love a picture if possible. Then I ended it by saying Have fun! :) <3

No text all night or morning.
Then this morning I texted her around 11am asking how things were and that I hope they enjoyed Bennett's program.
No text back.
So at 7pm I sent another text explaining that I was concerned about them since I had not heard back and that I'm hoping everything is okay.
She just texted me back now at 9pm saying that shes "really sick" and that she has "hardly lifted" her head. She's offering to FaceTime tomorrow and she says "Hoping I will feel better by then and have a bit more energy." Then she sent me a pic from Bennett's program.
It doesn't take away how upset I feel that she basically blew me off. She could have sent over a 10 second text at any time. She even could have had her husband do it. She didn't have to make me feel ignored and betrayed yet again.
I just texted back saying that I'm sorry to hear that she's not feeling well but that I'm relieved that something worse hadn't happened. I said we can definitely work out a time for tomorrow and I hope she is feeling better by then. I thanked her for the pic and told her I'm free anytime before 12 noon and asked her if morning would work for her.
So it's a date. She asked if 10:30am works for me so I told her I'm looking forward to her call. We'll see if I get blown off again.

He's so short lol

HE'S arrived!!

Noel Thomas.
December 17th @ 10:57am.
7lbs 4.3/4ozs
19.5 inches long
He latches wonderfully. It took him a while to latch but he got it all on his own. Great little nursling.

Ok, so at 2 am I had fluid come out and thought it could be my water. Then I started getting contractions every three mins. They very quickly became painful. I got to the hospital where I was 3.5 cms, according to the doctor I had at the time, and 60% effaced.
I felt discouraged about that.
I then got up to pee, did so, and upon exiting the restroom my water definitely ruptured. Then labor happen very quickly! I was standing and laboring until about 5/6 cms by the bed, until I could not take it anymore. The pain was so severe. I then opted to get pain meds which really tripped me out! Strong stuff!! Apparently I was hilarious lol!! Had everyone laughing.
About a half hr later I got the epidural because even though I was cheerful and joking I still hated how painful the contractions were and I was yelling at them haha - Through them and at them. I kept asking, is this ok for the baby? I was so concerned about my little one. After getting the epidural Noel's heartbeat kept dropping and I got so scared. I kept saying it was my fault because I couldn't handle labor. But they told me it wasn't from the epidural or the drugs.
I then felt like I had to push so they checked me and I was 10cms and ready to go! So they set me up. My epidural wasn't up high because the other drugs made me so scared and paranoid that something bad would happen. I felt everything! With each contraction I pushed hard. Once the head was almost out - omg!! I screamed harder than ever in my life!! I kept telling myself that to make it end I had to push! The head and shoulders were the worst!!! As soon as he was out they put him on my chest and I bawled my eyes out. I cried and cried and cried. He was so extremely alert!! His big bright eyes looking up at me and looking around. So curious about the big new world.
We then attempted to nurse and at first he opened and searched but wouldn't suckle. But after an hr or so he latched and then nursed away like a pro!! He is perfect!

The next day I noticed that he has a pretty bad tongue tie. His tongue frenulum connects right to the tip of his little tongue. Yet - surprisingly he still nurses amazingly. I will still have it clipped though because it'd more than likely cause speech complications when he starts talking. Clipping it could prevent that ever becoming an issue.


Today my milk has come in so Noel is nursing less frequently than he has since birth. Hoping I can get a little bit more sleep tonight. :) But if not, that's okay too. He's so worth it. Nursing exhausts me lol I think it's hormones released at the time of nursing that does it. So drowsy.

Lailah is really happy about her baby brother arriving and coming home! The first night - last night, she was a bit hurt.. she used to crawl into our bed around 3am every morning and we talked about when the baby arrives how she can't do that anymore. So when Noel got here she remembered and she was sad about it. But we talked, she understood, and now she's still really happy that we have him. <3
Today my mom, Noel, and myself went to Lailah's school and listened to her music performance. She sang a song about being an elf, getting ready for Christmas, and never taking a rest. lol. It was cute. I recorded it. :) She was so excited to perform on the stage with her classmates for us. :) And we loved watching her!

I also got a package in the mail today from Liz - We texted on Monday about how she was sending our Christmas gifts out and to contact her when I received it. I texted her today telling her I received it and also asking to set up a date and time she wouldn't mind Facetiming. But no text back yet. I can't wait to see how much bigger Bennett has gotten and how much more he's learned since last time I got to see him. <3

Love divides.

I was thinking about how I wish I could talk to Liz about OUR son. About how I wish I could talk about his well being as an adoptee and his mental health. I know it'll be hard for him to understand/cope with the fact that he was placed while his siblings weren't. But I can't. In her world I'm sure adoption is rosy. Why wouldn't he be happy he was adopted to her? Then I thought about how Adoption creates a wall - instead of creating a bond, all due to love for one child. Instead of bringing people and families together, it drives everyone apart - there's a wall and 'boundaries'.

Love = dividing wall in adoption.

Liz texted me tonight asking which address is best to send our Christmas gifts to. So I gave her the address to my moms. I also told her that we're still expecting this lo and that Im due Weds. She congratulated me and told me she was happy for us again. I thanked her and told her I can't wait to Facetime and that I'd text her when I got the package.
I really wish I could tell her that I hope Bennett understands one day or that he will still accept me. I wish I could tell her my fears about 'our' son. I wish I could explain that I just wanted what was best for him and that I hope he doesn't hate me for it. But I know that I can't exactly tell an Aparent that. They would question why I would even question those things. Most aparents assume that their adopted child will be happy with them and happy with the fact they were adopted into their family away from their natural family. I'm sure she wouldn't understand and that she'd ask back, "What makes you think he'd have wanted to be raised by you?" Although, I do doubt she'd say that to me - but she'd probably think it. She'd probably take offense to my questioning of if Bennett will be happy he was adopted or not. Of course he won't be ! That's what she probably thinks. How could he ever feel unhappy with being adopted when he was adopted by them.
I don't actually know how accurate any of these words are - I'm just ranting. But this is my own assumptions based upon the past 2 years of knowledge that I've gathered by living immersed in the online adoption community.
I feel like the only person that loves Bennett as I do is her. And I wish that could create a stronger bond between us and feel less like a wall dividing us. But unfortunately, I don't feel like that will happen.

Adoption is the only place that love keeps people divided.

Baby isn't ready but I'm happy

39w3d now and still pregnant. I'm trying to tell myself that he or she just isn't ready yet. I read a few articles, studies really - done by University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center at Dallas - that:

" A protein released from the lungs of a developing mouse fetus initiates a cascade of chemical events leading to the mother's initiation of labor."

" The initiation of term labor is carefully timed to begin only after the embryo is sufficiently mature to survive outside the womb."

" In their study, UT Southwestern researchers found evidence that a substance secreted by the lungs of a developing fetus contains the key signal that initiates labor. The substance, called surfactant, is essential for normal breathing outside the womb."

UT Southerwestern study

It was quite interesting. So I'm trying to convince myself that baby just may not be completely ready yet. But I am definitely welcoming labor at any time it would like to begin.
Even though I've got a cold. A stupid runny nose, sore throat, and cough. But the way I see it is - better breastmilk for my baby. My body is fighting this cold off and producing antibodies that I could transfer to baby.

In other news, Liz texted me back today. She said she will be sending Lailah and I's presents out on Monday and then to text her when I receive them so that we can set up a time and date to Facetime. I hope I either have the baby before this or that I don't go into labor when we are supposed to Facetime, that would make me feel pretty sad. She didn't send any pictures though which sort of made me a bit disappointed since I only seen one picture on my birthday last month and haven't received more photos since - I think it was the 9th of last month.
Anyways - I am looking forward to seeing Bennett and watching them open the hats I've crocheted them.

Justin and I took Lailah to see the movie Frozen today it was a super cute movie. Lailah liked it, even though she asked to leave a few times. She's definitely not used to sitting still for that long - ever. She rarely watches a movie straight through, even at home.

I also want to mention that one of my firstmom friends Roni sent Lailah a package for Christmas Eve. She already told me that it has a Christmas nightgown with a movie and some snacks for her to have Christmas Eve night. :) I am so thankful to have her. She's also sent me some things to help out with baby. I love her !
Another firstmom, who I actually barely know, also sent me a package FULL of things for baby. It was amazing. She sent blankets, burp towels, bath supplies, onesies,  diaper bag, a wipe case, a bunch of things, even a stuffed animal giraffe. She is so sweet and I can't thank her enough.
Firstmoms are the most wonderful people I've ever met. They're the most caring, understanding, and compassionate people I feel the world has ever had. And it's heartbreaking to know what they've all gone through, been through. That I've also been through. We lost our babies because we were too caring, too compassionate, too loving. That's how I see it. Although, at the same time I'm thankful for the qualities in myself and in them - because although it was once our weakness, it's now what helps others to keep their babies and it's what helps hold us all up and together.
I'm not happy for what I've been through - losing my son to adoption. But I am happy that I've gotten to meet the wonderful people that I know today and be surrounded by the love and support of the greatest women I've ever met.

Grateful.

I feel like I've been feeling so ungrateful lately. I keep thinking about the things I don't have yet or the things I just simply want. Yet, I have everything I could ever wish for at this time. I mean, yeah - my situation could be better, but the essentials to my life - I have.

I have my absolutely amazing boyfriend who is there for me through thick and thin. Who has turned my world upside down. Who has taught me that I can be loved wholeheartedly. I don't think I ever knew what romantic love was before I met him. He is absolutely amazing with Lailah - I've never seen a better father figure than him. He is so sweet, loving, and compassionate. He listens to me and he feels with me. He always tries to understand me and where I'm coming from. He asks me frequently about how I'm feeling and the baby. He loves to feel this little one squirming inside of me - he even kisses my belly. He's my dream guy - I swear it. Every morning he gets up, snuggles me before leaving for work, and then he always gives me kisses before leaving - even if I'm sleeping like a ton of bricks. Then when he gets home from work he kisses me, gives Lai piggy back rides, he may make us food, he helps with laundry, we put Lai to bed (if she isn't already in bed) and he tucks her in, we then shower and cuddle up watching a show on Netflix. He's one of the best things that could have ever happened to me.

I also have the most amazing, bright, witty, funny, silly, compassionate, caring, understanding, and beautiful little girl that I could ever imagine having. She makes me laugh more than anyone I know. She puts life into another perspective for me. She is the sweetest thing. I live for her. I live to watch her learn and grow as a little human. So far, so good. I may not be a perfect mom but when I look at her I feel that I've done a pretty damn good job. She is the purest life I know. I love her more than I ever believed I could love anyone or anything. She told me today that she never wants me to die until she's old enough to die too. I know that this will eventually end but I hope more than anything that she will always be my little girl and that we will always have an amazing relationship.

Then I have this pregnancy which I truly feel blessed to have. Yeah, the baby may not be out yet - he or she is still happily cooking within. But that's not a bad thing and I've been treating it like it is. This baby will be perfect and my heart will expand so much more than I ever thought imaginable. I have no idea what it will be like raising two little ones but I know that I'll make the best that I can out of it. I am just becoming impatient and I so want to meet my little one! But each day will bring me closer and I need to remember that. The baby can't stay in forever.

Hormonal

Blah. So. Hor.Mo.Nal.
Since yesterday. I think it was a mixture of having my membranes swept and disappointment that my baby didn't make his or her arrival yet. But yesterday omg. Last night I got hit like a ton of bricks. I was so grumpy. Justin hadn't been nothing but sweet to me and I was just - well, frankly - I was quite a bitch. I would shout, "Leave me alone! Don't touch me!" And I wouldn't talk to him or tell him what I was feeling. I had the other "me's" in my head and one was trying to help while the other was super depressed. Although I had wanted to listen to the helpful voice my emotions were so pressing for me to listen to the depressive one. I had such bad thoughts. :(
Today I also was grumpy and bitchy but not quite as bad as yesterday - although, whenever I opened my mouth bitch seemed to have come out. :/
I went to get the money a friend sent me through Western Union - but the Western Union near me was down due to the snow and cold weather. So then I went to another one near me - but it's in MA so they wouldn't put my transfer through since I'm in RI. Ugh! So then I went to the post office to send out my friends batman things I knitted and Bennett and his parents gifts for Christmas but realized I didn't have the money and I couldn't afford to send anything. I got so sad. I wanted to have a Facetime visit with them before Christmas and now I feel that I won't be able to because they'll claim to be "too busy" with Christmas so near. :( I just really wanted to see their faces as they opened their presents that I crocheted !!
I also dread having baby on the 15th - that's the date Bennett was born on in April. I don't like the 15th. While other nmoms hate Holidays and Mothers day - etc, I hate the 15th of every month and his birthdays. Maybe because I have Lailah Holidays and Mothers day still hold a sort of joy for me. But nothing keeps me wanting to like the stupid 15th or his birthday. No joys for me there.

membranes swept.

Had my membranes swept today. Not painful but certainly not pleasant. Uncomfortable to say the least. I'll be 38w6d tomorrow.
Afterwards I went and walked the mall and was having some serious contractions but they were accompanied by this really sharp pain down on my lower left side of my abdomen so I had to stop. I also got extremely tired - came home and passed out. I was sooooo tired and it felt good to nap even though I feel that I never actually hit a deep sleep.
I've had some contractions but that's nothing new. Now they're more achy but well, I could only had assumed they would be.
I'm so drained. So done. I would cut this baby out myself if I could. I just want to breakdown and cry. I'm hormonal and just can't wait for this pregnancy to end so that I can meet this little man or lady within me.

Still pregnant

Nothing new - still pregnant. 38w4d, geeze! Can you believe it!? So crazy.
Today I went and helped my mom sell her chocolate goods at a craft bazar thing for the foundation she's starting for kids. When I got home I took a nap and ate dinner then watched Breaking Bad with my Justin Honey. Then I got up and cleaned the room, organized, packed the hospital bag, Justin swept, and we're doing laundry - before my aunt does tomorrow.
Justin and I also took a shower and I noticed that my colostrum is now in. I hear that it doesn't mean anything but maybe for me it does. I also was nesting - as previously mentioned. Could mean nothing but either way I'm having my membranes swept on Monday which could cause labor.
I'm getting really impatient. And I'm feeling hormonal ontop of it all.

Lying is not the way/ new doctor visit.

Okay, well. :)
I went to see that doctor today and things went well. We just chatted and such - first I talked to a few other doctors who are part of the high risk team (which is where they placed me due to my past history) and they took all my medical history down - then I met with and chatted with my own doctor. I am happy that I decided to switch to this hospital and with these doctors because I felt really comfortable with them and secure in the idea that they will care well for me and my little Penguin.
I am now going back on Monday to have my membranes swept! Yay! Hoping that it works and I go into labor and deliver that night. So - possibly only 3 more days! Although, if it doesn't work then they also scheduled me for another sweeping on Friday. I am so looking forward to holding this little one in my arms. Not so much looking forward to labor though LOL!

Today Lailah lied to my mom and it really bothered me because it reminds me of her father. I really hope she doesn't grow up to be some compulsive liar like he is. That would really break my heart. I know I can't stop her from making her own choices when she's grown but I'm hoping I can really help to influence her and help her understand how negative lying is for everyone involved.
She told my mom that today at school her new temporary teacher put her on red (bad behavior chart) because she made a mistake and wrote I instead of O in her Super Kids book (learning letter book) and then took recess away. So I repeated what she said and I said, "Is that correct, am I understanding?" In which she changed up her story and told me that the teacher only put her on yellow and only took away 5 mins of recess. She also told me that the other girls got to have recess and they "copied" off of her. Then I said, "Are you lying to me at all?" And she got quiet and started sadly whining, saying that yes she lied. The truth was that she didn't go on red or yellow but that she did make a mistake of putting an I instead of an O in the book and she cried in class because the teacher said she would put her in the yellow/red and she'd lose some of recess and it had scared her. So then I asked her that if the full story included that she made the mistake and got in trouble by the teacher because she was talking in class and not paying attention to what the directions were. She then admitted that yes, she was talking and not paying attention and that's the reason why she got told she would go on yellow and possibly lose some recess. :/
I explained that lying was not correct behavior and that she was losing a sticker for the day for lying because lying is inappropriate behavior that will only ever harm her in the long run - while hurting others. I then had her tell my mom that she lied to her and then I explained the real story so that Lailah would hear from my mom as well that lying is not nice and not an appropriate response to feeling hurt/sad/scared or however.

Well - that's all for now. Hoping that next time I write I'll have some baby pictures!

Dear baby, 2

Dear baby,
I can not wait to meet you. You are due in less than 2 weeks now! I thought that I'd have been able to meet you by now but I guess you are content within me where it's warm and cozy. :p You just want to be a little stubborn I guess and come on your own time.
Your daddy and I are waiting any day now for you to make your arrival. We are dying to be able to kiss those chubby cheeks, that nose, and the lips you get from your daddy! I am so looking forward to holding you, feeding you, rocking you, and gazing at you for hours. Oh and sorry ahead of time for the crazy amounts of pictures that I will be snapping of you and your cuteness!
One day soon you will arrive and hopefully then you'll know how much you are loved by all the people out here - outside of me. I know that you know that you are loved by me already, I am your mommy. :) But you are loved so much more than you can even imagine right now. So many people waiting for your grand debut !
I've never had a tiny human inside of me as long as you've been. You seem to quite like your stay. :p Psttttt - you can come out anyyyy time now ! :p lol!
As much as I absolutely love your rolls and kicks because it means that you are very strong and you've grown well - they are getting sort of painful. The things we mommies go through to have amazing little ones just like you. :)
Your sister is also looking forward to meeting you. She wants you to be a sister but if you're a brother I'm sure she will fall in love with you as well. She calls you HER baby and asks when you'll be coming out to meet the world. :)
Anytime now, our little Penguin. Anytime.
Love,
Mommy. <3

Bad luck for me and labor - for puppies.

Well here I am. :p
Okay so... yesterday I went to the Orthopedic for my arm and they took my cast off. They told me that I had in fact fractured my left elbow. They also felt that I had probably fractured my wrist as well - although, they didn't have an x-ray of that. I now do not have a cast on and I am using both hands to type even though it slightly hurts my left wrist. Since the bone is only fractured then they want me to use the joints so that they don't lock up on me. I'm a little achy but feeling a lot better than when the cast was on.
Before the Orthopedics I was going downstairs (where I live) to get my wallet. My moms step son threw his blanket down to the bottom of the stairs. I can't remember if I slipped on it or tried to step over it and missed a step or what really happened but I ended up falling. I just remember lying on my back feeling as if I had broken my fingers. The pain was intense and I started crying. Justin and my mom came running to make sure I was alright. They asked me to open my hand to see the damage. I realized then that I had torn half of my fingernail from the finger bed on my right ring finger and it was bleeding into my palm. I then got up and went into my room to get my wallet when I realized my left arm/hand was in the cast and my right hand was in extreme pain and bleeding. I broke down right then. I fell to my knees and just bawled my eyes out. But this time wasn't because of the pain - it was because I felt completely pathetic and useless. I felt stupid and weak. I couldn't even pick up my wallet. I just cried and cried as Justin held me.
Then my mom took me to my Orthopedic appt where we waited for over an hr to be seen. The doctor hurried the visit up once she noticed that my right hand was bleeding though. Right after leaving the Orthopedics my mom brought me to the ER where I had an X-ray of my finger just to make sure it wasn't broken - which it wasn't. Then they sent me up to Labor and Delivery (l&d).
At l&d they put me on a fetal monitor for a non-stress test (nst) for four hours. Over the 4 hr period they noticed I was having pretty strong consistent contractions every 5 mins or so. They got concerned about it. They felt there may have been an underlying reason for the contractions. They checked my blood and made sure it didn't mix with baby's, they did an u/s to measure fluid and to check on the placenta, and they closely observed baby's heartbeat and activity. But the contractions didn't let up so they kept me for 24 hr observation. I ended up leaving fine this morning around 9.
I ended up switching my doctor and hospital because I liked the care at this hospital - Memorial, better. Better than Woman and Infants (W&I). I felt as if the doctors and nurses were much calmer, understanding, and caring - as well as the nurses. I feel that they actually listen to me, explain things to me in more details, and take precautions if they feel necessary.  I like that. So tomorrow I am seeing a doctor from that hospitals practice so that way I can deliver at that hospital. We will see how it goes.
I am going to assume that you have already guessed that I am still pregnant. 38w1d and still counting. I am feeling quite miserable as I hope you can imagine. Broken elbow, possibly broken/sprained wrist, and a torn fingernail/bruised finger. >.< I am so not used to being so huge. I have gained 35 lbs which is almost half of my original body weight of 93lbs. My back is killing me, I'm tired 90% of the time, I feel exhausted just by standing for five minutes, my muscles feel weak, and to be quite honest - contractions suck. I've been having pretty frequent contractions which apparently aren't doing anything at all and I hate them. I hate the end of pregnancy so much. I just really really want to meet my baby.

Oh yeah and there was a labor today, just not mine! Hermione had her puppies today! 4 of them - so far. Although, we're unsure if she's having any more or not. One of them we call Nemo already - he was born without a bone in his left leg/paw. Poor little guy. He seems to be doing well though. He's eating and thriving well. So, we'll see how he is - I'll update if anything changes. :) He's cute though!

Fractured?

Still pregnant - 37w3d and typing with one hand. :/
Thanksgiving came and went - it was nice. Enjoyed dinner with my family and Justin's as well. That is until I fell over Justin's Adad's family couch. It had this wooden platform thing around it, for whatever reason - and I didn't see it. Tripped, fell, and put my hands out to catch me. Sprained my wrist and possibly fractured my elbow. I am now in a cast and in pain. -.-
I'm going to an orthopedic on Weds.
I have a lot to say but only one hand to type with so hopefully I'll remember next time I post - with two hands.

Just lovely

Getting worn out mentally and emotionally

37 weeks

Today was my birthday. Well, Happy Birthday to me. I felt quite sad all day even though I didn't want to. I felt like I just couldn't control it. I wanted to feel happy but I just didn't. I feel mentally and emotionally drained about everything. One is the connection of this pregnancy and Bennett, next is that I just really want this little one out, then last is that my birthday just really doesn't matter to like - anyone.
I woke up this morning and took Lai to school - came home to find out that Jewel - moms Louisiana Leopard dog almost took Hermionie (shi tzu's) eye out. It was bulging out of her head. My mom had to take her to the vet and I stayed home babysitting the kids.
I felt like my entire birthday was completely ignored by everyone besides my online community -you know, the people I never see or hang out with personally. It made me feel sad.
We picked up Qetsi today. :) Which was the only thing I really did enjoy.

Yucky pic of me but super cute pic of Qetsi :)

(Edit: Add in - I also want to add that I got a card from Justin. The sweetest card ever. I want to add it here. It did make me happy as well and I did enjoy receiving it from him.)

 

"There are no words that can describe how much I love you.
You are my world, my heart, my everything.
We have begun an incredible journey together
and I will be by your side until the very end.
Everyday I wake up and I realize how lucky I am to have you in my life.
Everyday I want to make you happy,
and I want you to know that I love you with my whole heart and soul."

Lailah left today too which I'm sad about but I know it's what she really wants. Liz sent me a photo of Bennett and finally agreed to have a Facetime chat with me sometime next month - but we did not set up a date yet. She also wished me a Happy Thanksgiving and Birthday. Then I went to  the bathroom and had a huge clot of blood come out and had to go to triage. Blah.
At triage they told me that I wasn't actively bleeding that I'm still 3cms dilated and that she, "Could feel baby's head." Whatever that means. She estimates that I'll have little Penguin in the next couple days. Others estimate a week at the most. I don't know anymore, I don't know anything.
I'm home now.

He looks ridiculously like Lailah. :p Loveitttt.

37 weeks, happy birthday to me, new puppy - all tomorrow.

Sunday night I was at the hospital having contractions every 3-5 mins for hours straight. I thought I might be in labor but apparently not. I have read since that there is something called Prodromal Labor. It seems like real labor and acts like real labor but isn't real labor.
You know how they say "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck - it must be a duck." Yeah, well when it comes to labor - that's bullshit. If it looks like labor, acts like labor, feels like labor - it could be meaningless and not labor at all. -.-
Since then I have had some strong contractions but nothing consistent and I've been losing my mucus plug over the last 3days as well - which is disgusting mind you. And I've been feeling awful. Woke up with runs yesterday, stomach aches, and now trapped gas and constipation. Lovely right?
As you can imagine I've been quite frustrated since, to say the least. I feel like crap. 37 weeks tomorrow. I'm losing faith that baby will come anytime even remotely soon. People keep telling me he or she can't stay in forever but he or she can stay in for another 3-5 weeks, that I do know.

I just want to have my little ones in my arms. I want to hold him or her, cuddle him or her, kiss him or her, feed him or her, - I just really want my baby. For so long I've just wanted to hold my baby.
I want to be out of this pain. I want to be done with being pregnant - at least for now and for another 5years.

Lailah is leaving tomorrow night to go to NC to see her dad - with his parents. I feel sad about it but I know it'll all be okay. It's what she wants and I like that she wants to make decisions for herself and that she wants to see her dad - since she rarely ever gets to.

Tomorrow I will be 24 years old. My mom is getting me a female chihuahua from her friend. :) Happy Birthday to me ! I get to pick her up tomorrow too. I'll post pictures tomorrow.

No paternity needed.

Went to my 36 week appt for the baby last Weds. I was still 2cms dilated but I've progressed in effacement to 75%. Then yesterday I went in and had a growth u/s done. Baby is estimating in at about 6lbs 9oz ! So crazy.
So Justin and I talked and we decided to try to get this little one to come out and meet us. We DTD last night and I've been waiting ever since. I have been having contractions about every 4-6 minutes all day. Nothing painful, they're not lasting long either, but they are a little crampy. So, I have no idea what this means. Not a clue. I don't know if they're doing anything to progress labor or if they're not. I don't feel like going into L&D to sit around for hours and possibly be sent home until I'm in pain anyways. So, here's to waiting. Just keep on waiting.

Some pictures of our little sweetie pie. :)

Isn't that incredible?!

Lailah told me today that she is scared about the baby coming and that she doesn't want him or her to come out. She wouldn't say anything else though. She wouldn't even look at me. I don't want her to be jealous of this baby and I hope that I can make all of this a good thing for her. I don't want her to hate her little brother or sister. Because of the pictures everyone is now guessing that baby is a boy - even Lailah. I think while she felt hope that she could be getting a sister then she was more excited about it but now - not so much. I feel bad and I just want this transition to go easier for her. I hope we can get through this.

Lailah was another reason we decided to try to sort of 'evict' baby. Because then she could meet little him or her and then on the night of the 27th she's going to be leaving with her dads parent to go visit her dad in NC. And I think it might give her a bit of time to sort of think about it and such and that that somehow might help her. Have a bit of personal time to herself after the baby arrives and to actually see him or her before going - that's my idea. 

I still haven't heard back from Liz... also haven't sent her another text yet. I will - eventually. Maybe after I send out the gifts. I crocheted them all hats. Bennett an Elmo hat, Liz a hat with attachable clip on flowers, and Nate a hat with the Clemson tigers sign on it. I'm really excited about it and I hope that they really like them. I'd love to see their reactions when they open them. 

I went and played Poker last night with my mom - she paid for me. I ended up making top 4 in which we all decided to split the cash and each walk away with $240 !! I gave my mom $20 for paying for me and then tipped the dealer $10. Today I went and bought a new REALLY nice camera ! :D I am so so so so excited to have it and to be able to take a billion pictures of this new little one who is on his or her way! :D 

My mom and I have been getting along pretty well and that makes me happy. It seems we might really be starting to form a relationship and a friendship. I feel like for once in my life she's started listening to me. I hope that it only continues to progress this way. I want my mom in my life if she can be a supportive and kind person. Who wouldn't?

Scott called today to talk to Lailah. My dad posted on his Facebook wall about how his daughter misses him - I'm sure he was an ass about it too (my dad that is). So Scott seems to be making a bit more of an effort. He used to not call at all but now he calls at least 2 times a month... It's not much but hey, it's more than before. I hope that she enjoys going to visit him this week. 

Well, that's all for now. :) And maybe - just maybe this baby may be on his/her way. Contractions every 5 mins or so. :) Let's hope!

Only 10 more days!

Currently 35weeks - going on 5days pregnant with baby #3. I can't believe I've held on this much longer since preterm labor at 31 weeks. Crazy. I'm happy though. I'd like to keep baby in for at least another 5 days. Or until the 27th which is 10 days - that's my birthday and also 37 weeks which is considered full term. :) I haven't been checked again for dilation or effacement so as far as I know I'm only 2cms still and 50% effaced. Probably more though now. At my last appt two Fridays ago I was told that I've gained 34 lbs - again, probably more now. I was told I should probably be more active. But I just feel like I can't. I'm so sore and tired all the time. My muscles cramp easily and my back hurts really really bad pretty often. :/ I'm not comfortable. I'm so thankful for my acid reflux meds because my acid reflux has been the worst and it makes it go away temporarily. Blah. Only 10 more days!! Then we can see what this little one is - a boy or a girl and I get to hold him and her in my arms and fall completely in love all over again. <3 I'm nervous but feeling ready to get this little one out!

On a different note.... Liz hasn't texted me back. Unfortunately. I know maybe she's busy and that's why she texted early this month and in the morning... but it just really makes me feel down and sad. I wish she could just answer me. How hard is it to just send a 10 second text? I'll never understand.
I've been feeling down lately and guilty about not knowing anything about Bennett's NICU stay. With this baby's birth approaching, I have been thinking a lot about my last labor and birth - and that was Bennett's. And I have no idea about his stay. I was made to sign TPR two days after he was born - then leave the hospital. I don't know what happened to him while he was there, if he had any surgeries, or how long he was even there for. And I hate myself for it. I truly feel as if I abandoned him. What kind of mother was I? I know I wanted what was best for him and at the time it killed me to walk away. I should have fought through it though and went to see him no matter what they said or felt. I should know these things about him! It makes me hurt inside and angry as well.

Nothing else going on in the world of me. Lounging around, crocheting, sleeping, eating.... bringing Lailah to school and picking her up, anddddd pretty much nothing else. Yeah, I'm lazy.

Well, until next time. :)

Is this real? Will it last?

This morning I woke up to a bunch of texts from Liz. It surprised me because for the past 2.5 years we've always texted each other at night - which seemed to have worked for us.
My hormones seemed to have me questioning the whole thing. Did she text me during the morning to avoid talking to me, did she text me early so that I wouldn't be waiting for her texts/ sending her texts around the 15th as usual? I felt that the game had been switched up for some reason and that there's something behind it all.
But then a friend of mine reminded me to just give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she's been busy, maybe she really did think about me this morning, maybe with the baby coming she feels more secure, maybe she somehow knows I feel emotional and this is the way she feels she can help me, maybe she just wanted to be kind, maybe she knew she'd be busy and wouldn't be able to get back to me, who knows really though?
Yes, that's a lot of maybe's but I'm trying to just be grateful for her texts and the pictures and even the video she sent me. As a nmom it means so much to me, which is a mindfuck. It means so much to me to be able to see my own child who I created and birthed.

She said,"Good morning! Thought I would send you a few pictures of what we've been up to lately! Hope you are doing well! :)"
Then described each picture and said, "Have a wonderful weekend! <3"
I responded back this morning, "Awh, thank you! I really appreciate you thinking of me! That means so much to me. :) Bennett is precious as always! Can't believe how big he gets so fast! :) his little astronaut costume s too cute. Did he enjoy trick or treating? :) The video made me tear up! He's such a big boy and his little voice <3 I love it. Thank you so much for these. How are you and Nate? I hope you all are doing well and have an amazing weekend also! Also, I wanted to ask you if maybe you'd be interested in having another FaceTime visit sometime in December that might be good for you. I'm going to be sending gifts in a couple of weeks for Christmas and I'd love to see you open them if you're comfortable with that (early). I'm hoping you'll like them! I'd love to hear back from you. <3"


Here's to hoping some more. Hoping she'll respond and hoping she'll say yes.

He was an astronaut for Halloween. :) Year 2.

Hi !! :) I love this pic because he's looking
directly into the camera.

He likes apples too, just like his big sister!

I've got some apples! 

Eating lollipops with his cowboy bud. :)

Riding his bike around the house before bed
-I was told.

Just taking a stroll and thinking about some things. :p

Walking with another buddy.

Goodnight. :)

Made things how they are?

A different day - a new rant.
So today I was talking to my mom about Bennett and the adoption and everything seemed to be going okay and she seemed to really be listening to me. I was telling her what I went through in the hospital when she said,

"Well when your sister and I went to the hospital to visit Bennett before you signed anything -" 

(which I had no idea they went to visit, I wasn't told or notified which bothers me but whatever, can't undo the past)

"Your sister and I went to take pictures and Liz was bitchy and told us that she didn't have to let us take pictures of him - so your sister said to her, 'Uhm, my sister hasn't signed anything yet so you can shut the fuck up'. - And we took pictures anyway, she went quiet real quick." 

Now, I don't know how true this is because my mom is known to make up stories to make me dislike people more. - Either way it still hurts.
I have so many thoughts about it.
On the one hand if it is true - then Liz was taking right over Bennett while he was still technically MINE and I hadn't even signed TPR yet and I didn't even though my mom and sister were there - nevermind the aparents. And that hurts. Also, if it's true then is that the reason she took Bennett and took off without contacting me again for months? Without letting me see Bennett again or letting his sister meet him? Did she do it to spite me because my family was snobby to her and went against her 'wishes'? Is that why she told me I wasn't needed anymore and didn't care for my feelings? Because of them?
On the next hand if it's not true - why would my mom want to hurt me more, knowing I'm already hurting? What is she accomplishing by trying to make me dislike Bennetts mom more? Does she not like her and wants me to feel that way too? I mean - I know, I know - this is my mom we're talking about. She's always been hurtful and I should be used to it by now. She sometimes just wants me to hurt so she makes shit up.
But we were having a good convo I thought and it really hurt.
Tom suggested that my mom was trying to relate to me with adoption and the only way she knew how to do that was showing distaste towards Bennett's amom. But I hate that. It's not her business. She didn't help me with anything. And in this case then what she said more than likely is true, which means it's her and my sisters fault Liz and I had a really rough start that I had to make up for in order to get anything of my own child. - It sucks in all ways.

34 weeks pregnant. Third tri sucks.

I've hit 34 weeks. This is the week during my last pregnancy with Bennett that I ended up having him. 3 more weeks to go to reach my goal at 37 weeks.

Third trimester is the worst. I'm in so much pain. Nausea sometimes comes back some days and it sucks. I get headaches randomly. My SI joint pops and hurts really really bad. My back in general is in extreme pain. It hurts to walk around. My muscles are sore all the time. I get leg cramps which really suck. I have RLP almost all the time which isn't cool at all. So much fatigue - I'm tired all the time. I need at least 10 hrs of sleep. My stomach feels like it's ripping open and cream doesn't help. The babys movements are starting to hurt and I sometimes yelp and jump in surprise when I feel them. I struggle with doing ANYTHING, I can't bend over to pick things up, I have difficulty shaving in the shower, I have trouble getting on and off the bed, trying to reach into the washer machine is like hell because my belly is in the way and my arms are too short. >.<

Just ranting.

Nightmares of my past returning in a new way.

I just can't even handle this. As much as I love this baby all of my past is haunting me and reminding me why I couldn't keep Bennett and why I shouldn't keep this baby.
ATM I'm living with my mom. I finished school as a Medical Assistant and I was working full time as a host at a restaurant last year. I was unable to find a job as a MA without volunteering for weeks first - which I couldn't afford to do. I then found myself pregnant with my amazing boyfriend (he truly is amazing) - we DTD one time that month and woops, baby on the way. Well, we were living with my dad in one bedroom with my daughter and his 3 cats and filthy house - the only thing "clean" was my room" and every time I cleaned the kitchen he trashed it. His cats urinated everywhere and crapped and he wouldn't pick it up. My own father literally smelled and his stench lingered anywhere he went - it was disgusting.
My boyfriend works 38 hrs a week at Mcdonalds - He is working there and not at a better job due to his Amom blaming him for a crime he didn't commit and he was stuck in and out of jail and the court system for three years - which last Summer he won the case and case was cleared and he had a clean record. But unfortunately he was unable to get a good job with his names on the news and in the papers etc, also the fact he doesn't have a license or medical care (he needs glasses - he's practically blind).  He helps as much as he can but we can't afford an apartment or anything off of just his income.
Then I became high risk and had to take progesterone shots to help baby stay in and I continued working even though I was told not to and to take it easy -- Until the manager found out that I had placed Bennett from a co-worker when I had a full on panic attack when my son's paternal half walked into the restaurant. She told him and then a few weeks later he basically told me that my son didn't deserve me anyways, that he himself was adopted and he didn't want to know the "woman who gave him away anyway". I understand he's probably a hurt adoptee but he didn't have to come to me and attack me for being a firstmom. From there on out he would shout at me, disrespect me, and one day when I had a problem with a co-worker - he shouted "Then don't work !" - so knowing I couldn't handle the stress, I walked out.
So that leaves me jobless and trapped in a one bedroom tiny room with a disgusting apartment.
After 8 months of shunning my mother and not talking to her for how she's  treated me in the past she came to me, apologising, telling me she was wrong and wants to be in my life. So I accepted as long as she could learn to respect me. After a couple months I moved into my moms downstairs apartment when the person who was living here moved out. Things with my mom are good. Although - I don't like the things she says to my daughter sometimes, like today for instance she told her big Louisiana dog to bite Lailah (Which the dog didn't but it really scared Lailah) and then my mom actually grabbed scissors, snapped them open and closed near Lailah's face and said, "I'm gonna cut all your hair off!" Which also really scared Lailah. She came running down stairs for a hug, crying, saying that Mamee really hurt her feelings and was scaring her. I had to comfort her and let her know that those things wouldn't ever actually happen and that if anything did happen that I would deal with it. She hugged me, wiped her tears and continued on. But I HATE it.
The biggest problem is me practically reliving my childhood. My moms been remarried for about -3 or 4? years now... and well, he's abusive. He has 3 young children (12, 10, and 5) he shouts at them all the time, he verbally, mentally, and emotionally abuses them hardcore. He threatens them. I can hear it when I'm downstairs. He shouts for hours.
"What the fucks your problem?!" "What the fuck is wrong with you!" "Your stupid!" "I'm not fucking putting up with your shit!" "You got a fucking problem!" "I'll fucking beat you nigga I don't care!"
His kids are afraid of him.
My mom makes excuses for him. Tells me that he's "getting help" and "learning" how to be a better parent. Needless to say that his kids all have behavioral problems (no shit) and my mom blames their mother, her husband has no part in their bad behavior.

Well, all of this gives me flashbacks to my childhood. The fear I had, my running away, pushing the beds up against the door so that I wouldn't get beaten, crying until hyperventilation, constantly believing something was wrong with me, that I was broken, that I could never be fixed, that I would always have problems, that my parents didn't/couldn't love me.

And now being here - same mom, a different man, hearing it/seeing it from another perspective and still being powerless. - My mom works for DHS and DCYF - they do pop in visits all the time and my mom is friends with most of them, therefore they never believe claims made against her - so calling those to protect his children, won't work. It didn't even work when the hospital called after the school called the police and the hospital one time after my dad beat me and I had bruises everywhere. They dropped the case as unfounded and I was sent home.

My baby doesn't deserve this. Hell, Lailah doesn't even deserve any of this. Yes, they're with me and yeah - it may be temporary. But how much harm will it do to them? All because I selfishly want to keep them.
Lailah's 5 and she cries in her sleep. She hurts inside. Her dad is never around and she feels its her fault and that she's not important enough. She has lived in over 10-15 places in the past 5 years! Because we've always had to move around to survive. She is afraid of SO many things and constantly needs mommys reassurance and comfort because she is so scared out of her mind of even small things - like drains in the bathroom.
I've done this to her. And what am I going to do to this baby? They will grow up hearing the abusive above, dealing with the mean things of my mom and sister, forced into this all because of one thing : I'm selfish and I want my children even when it's not what is best for them. Bennett at least is safe. He's loved. He doesn't hear abuse or probably even know what it is. He has stability and money.
They were right. What could I provide? Little to nothing besides love and comfort. And I'm the only one providing that. :(
The closer it creeps to the baby coming, the more I feel like I can't and sometimes don't even WANT to do this. I don't want to lose another baby either. But I hate that I'm the bad guy. I'm not a great mom and I don't know how to become one. I don't know how to get a dream job and get on my feet and get the hell out of here. I don't know how to protect them from all that surrounds us. I don't know anything anymore.

Made it to 33 weeks!

Today is Weds and I am 33 weeks pregnant ! I've made it through another 2 weeks, keeping this little one inside of me. :) Another 4 weeks would be great ! I really want baby as healthy as can be so he or she can come right home with me. <3 I'm looking forward to breastfeeding, cuddling, and watching this new baby grow. :) I had an u/s yesterday where I was told that baby is estimating about 4lbs 5oz !! Healthy baby! Part of me is super excited but the other part is freaking out. I don't even remember how to take care of a baby. I'm nervous about it. I just want to be the best mom I can be.

A few things about Lailah. :) We are leaving soon to go to Lailah's friend Bella's Birthday party! I hope she enjoys it and that Bella like the gift Lailah picked out for her. Also - she called her dad yesterday and he asked me if Lailah could go with his parents for Thanksgiving to visit him. Now that means that she would be leaving on my birthday, miss Thanksgiving with me, and could potentially miss out on the arrival of her sibling. And as much as I want to say No, absolutely not! You don't even deserve her! I don't want to be the thing standing in the way of her seeing her dad when she's shared with me how much she misses him and wishes that he'd come home to her. I can't be selfish with her for her own benefit. So, today I talked to her and I told her about my birthday, Thanksgiving, and her siblings arrival.

She thought about it and said, "I don't care. I just don't know I guess. Because if I make a choice then I want to say both. I want to stay with you but I also want to see my dad and I know that I can't choose both so - I don't know."
She's so smart. So I let her know that it's a difficult decision and that she doesn't have to figure it all out right now, that she has time to think about it. She then said that she would really like to go see her dad but that having time to think about it is nice in case she changes her mind.
She's so grown up and intelligent I can't believe it. <3
Also - she did really well with her homework today and I was really proud of her, even though it took her a while of me repeating myself for her to really listen and try to understand it.
I'm going to soon be crocheting her a Lalaloopsy hat - I hope it comes out well. :)

I crocheted an Elmo hat for Bennett for Christmas! It's so cute and I'm so happy. It might be a little big on him, but I'm hoping it'll be okay and that they'll put it on him this winter! :) I want to also crochet Liz a hat - I really hope she likes it! :)