One day in a nutshell

I had therapy today and my therapist helped me realize why I struggle so much with Lailah.
I was venting to her about how it feels like I can never make Lailah happy, how it seems like no matter what I do it's never enough or good enough for her, and how she expects so much out of me and idk how to please her expectations. I feel like I can't be the mom she needs me to be.
Ericka asked me about my mom and asked me what my mom was like when I was a child and I started ranting about my mom and I basically started saying the exact same things. The my mom always had high expectations of me that I felt I could never meet or please, that I was never enough or good enough for her, that no matter what I did I couldn't make her happy. I couldn't be the child she wanted me to be.
It clicked that my reaction towards Lailah has nothing to do with Lailah - she's being a normal 8 year old. I'm being triggered by my own emotions - a trauma response. My brain suddenly jumps to what I was always taught by my mom - "You're not good enough." "You can't make others happy." etc.
Ericka tells me that it's not my job to make others happy yet I still seem to feel like it is.
I WANT to make others happy and I feel extreme disappointment when I feel like I can't - ESPECIALLY when it comes to my children. I want to feel like enough to them. I want to feel like I am a great mom for them. I often do feel like a good mom... but not the great mom I want to be for them.
I know that it's going to take a lot of work within myself to "fix" this, to feel better about myself, and to not get so triggered so easily and suddenly jump to the thoughts of : "I must not be good enough." etc.
Ericka is going to help me. I really like her as my therapist. She actually helps me realize where my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors stem from and then helps give me ideas so I can work on changing my thoughts and behaviors. She pretty much the first therapist I've had that is intelligent and thoughtful. I like her a lot. She never makes me feel bad or like I'm a problem. She often tells me that things aren't my fault and that I'm doing my best. I like hearing that.

Yesterday I unblocked Tom and I told him I was still angry at him and mad but that I still wanted to talk to him and not throw a 6 year friendship away. I don't want to lose my best friend but I'm still angry at him. I still feel very disappointed and let down by him. He said he understands and that he is going to reflect on a lot of things in our friendship. He went to bed soon after since he had to work all day today. He's still at work but said I can message him and he can get back to me when he has the time to... I don't care, I know he's busy. I don't need his attention. Idk if we will continue being friends or decide it's not the best idea. But we DO need to talk about everything and come to a mutual conclusion. I want it to be decided on together what is best for us and our future whether it be together as friends or apart.

I feel frustrated by Justin today because I told him multiple times that he HAD to call different sponsoring companies and ask if they have a spot open to sponsor an apprentice so that he can find one and then contact the Dept. of L&T. He told me he would after he picked Lailah up from school. I went to therapy, came home and painted with Lailah, ate dinner, and then cleaned the pantry and kitchen. I asked him if he made the phone calls and he told me no. -.- I asked him why and he told me because he was busy with the kids. That sort of really irks me because I get busy with the kids as I am their mom and yet I STILL have to get things done! I still have to fulfill my priorities. The kids are important - very important, but soooo important that we MUST have other priorities that come alongside them so that we can take care of them! Like grocery shopping, laundry, jobs, finances, doctor appointments, getting adequate sleep, cleaning the house, etc. You know??? I even told him all of this not long before coming to journal. He says he understands but I don't feel he truly does because it doesn't seem like he sets up his priorities straight. It feels so frustrating to me because I feel like I constantly have to sort of hold his hand and lead him through everything he should do. I don't want to be acting like a mother to him, I want to be his wife... I want him to be an adult and do the things he knows he has to do, just as I do.

Well, there's my day and thoughts in a nutshell... I think I'm gonna go watch an episode of Grey's anatomy and then get to sleep with Noel. Hopefully he sleeps all night and doesn't wake up as he did last night at midnight and wouldn't go back to sleep until 4am. Goodnight. zzzzz

Nice Zoo trip today

Justin, Noel, and I went to the zoo today with my friend Rebecka - (a different one lol there's Rebecka and Rebecca haha. Rebecka lives in my state and Rebecca lives in Texas and she's the one I talk to on Skype).
Rebecka brought her boyfriend and her 10 month old son. It was a lot of fun, I really enjoyed the trip. Noel had a blast too. It was super super warm outside too which made it lovely - a little sweaty but lovely nonetheless.
After we got home I passed out, woke up and ate a little bit then took another nap as Justin watched Noel for me and played with him.
I had a nightmare though that we were homeless with the kids and I was pregnant. We found a group of other homeless people and we stayed together but we were on the run so that we wouldn't have our children taken from us. We even had to steal food to get by. It was heartbreaking. At the end it was just Justin and I and the kids because the rest were killed on the way or lost. :( I know it's just my fear coming through my dreams.
Justin is going to call companies hopefully on Tuesday (Monday is a holiday) to try to find a company that is accepting apprentices. Hopefully he can get into a company. We really need him to for our family.
Not much else going on as of right now. It's midnight, Noel is sitting on my lap watching cartoons on Youtube Kids, Justin is on his phone, and I'm thinking about jumping in the shower. Then I think I'll watch Grey's Anatomy on Netflix.

I don't want to keep being hurt.

I hate quite the convo with Tom today. Very possibly the last convo ever.
I pretty much told him that he hurts me all the time and that I can't take it anymore. That I can't trust him at all anymore. And that all I feel from his is disrespect.
I think he felt hurt. But he's told me that he doesn't have emotional dependence in friendships and that he only stays friends with me because he wants me in his life. If he didn't have any emotional dependence than he wouldn't feel hurt is how I see it.
I pretty much broke up with my best friend of 6 years.
I told him he should go care about himself and forget about me. I said that I feel our friendship gets in the way of what he wants in life. He didn't understand because he's not thinking about the future and I am. I am thinking about in 3 years, 5 years, 10 years from now when he decides he wants to just go live in isolation and just disappears on me. And he feels that that shouldn't bother me because I shouldn't have an emotional dependence on him, but I do. I'm only human.
What's different about him leaving my life now rather than later? Well, the fact that it's on my own terms so I'm better prepared to handle it rather than randomly and suddenly when I can't handle it.
Plus right now I have Rebecca which seems to make it feel easier to let Tom go. I have a support, you know? Someone to turn to and confide it. Someone who is there for me and listens to me. I used to turn to Tom but he just doesn't seem to really be there for me at all anymore.
He seems to want this friendship where there are no ties.... nothing emotional, nothing physical, and nothing human.... I guess. But I am human. I can't just have someone in my life and interact with them often and not feel anything toward them. I can't just be disconnected... I can't just have someone in my life for whenever.
Part of me feels like I really am done here. I'm done with the hurt and the pain and being here for whenever is convenient for him.  And yet the other part of me feels like I will miss him a lot and I want him to learn something from this and care about me, fight for me or something. Idk.
I feel a large range of emotions... angry, upset, hurt, grief, pain, sadness, frustration, aggravation... etc.
Idk anymore. I just feel like I can't hurt anymore.

Loneliness sucks

It's 3:40 and I'm feeling quite sad. I'm feeling lonely... so alone. I hate feeling so alone. I really wanted Tom to come here... not to help us pay bills, not to depend on him, but so that I would have a friend to hang out with, laugh with, and do things with. I hate feeling like I don't have a friend to turn to. I have my husband but he works a lot and is asleep during the day and he needs that.
Loneliness is a really shitty emotion. I wonder why children don't feel loneliness - they're ok with playing alone often times. I don't remember feeling lonely as a child. I wonder when loneliness comes into play. When did I start to feel lonely? I believe it was when I was a teenager. I didn't have many true friends - when I found Scott I didn't feel so alone anymore. I guess that's why I fell so hard for him. I don't think I could ever love in the way that I loved him ever again. I still hold harsh feelings toward him for hurting me the way he had. I understand that he was young but I am a human being, I always have been. I have always had emotions and he never stopped to think about how I would feel. Then again, not many people have.
Justin cares about me and how I feel. It seems he's the only person that truly does. Possibly the only person that does. I feel like I don't get enough time with him. I miss him a lot. I wish I had time to actually spend with him and enjoy him. It's so rough because I know he's working hard to care and support our family. He's so incredible. He does his best all the time for us. Idk what I would do without him. Idk where I would be without him. He's helped me get my life together and get on our feet. I love him so much.

Fake it til I make it?

It's 2 am and I'm wide awake wondering about how I will ever find happiness. Or IF I will ever find happiness. I'm not sure what happiness looks like. I just believe it doesn't look like feeling sad all the time, feeling agitated all the time, or feeling stressed out.
I don't know what can help me feel happy. I read something online that said to think of 3 things that you would want to come true in life that you believe would create happiness. But I am not sure that anything could make me happy. Even if I got everything I wish for - I am not sure that it would make me happy.
But if I had to wish for 3 things... the first would be to be surrounded by people that care about me and that I could get support from - not just people online. The second would to be financially stable. And the third... I guess would be to go back to school and become something that makes me feel passion inside of myself. I've always wanted to become a neurologist but I've always felt like I would never be able to - not smart wise or financially. But maybe, just maybe I could. Or maybe I could become a surgeon.. who knows. I wouldn't want to get into a tough career until my children are older but it would give me something to do since my children wouldn't need me so much anymore and that is something I worry about. I worry about feeling lost when I'm no longer needed all the time as all I truly identify as at this point in time is a mom. I am a mom.
The first is very difficult to find... there aren't a lot of people like me, people that think like me, and believe in similar things as I do. I struggle to connect with people who cut their infants, hit their kids, and otherwise harm their children. I have very strong passionate views and I need that from others that I would surround myself with.
The second I guess would take time... but we will get there, one day.
The third... sort of goes hand in hand with the second.

Idk... I want to be happy in the here and now... not 10-20 years from now. I want to be a happy mom for my children, I want to be a good mom for them, a mom that laughs and can play. I want them to remember me as a great mom that tried and loved as much as she could. I don't want them to have memories similar to what I have. I could pretend.... it would be difficult but I could do it. They would remember what I want them to even if it's a lie. It's just getting through the struggle to get up and function enough to pretend that well. Who knows maybe if I fake it, I'll make it.

Trying to keep balanced.

Just because you love someone (a mother, a father, a sibling, a friend, a partner, etc) does not mean that they are healthy for you. You can still love them but also eliminate them from your life. Love isn't about allowing someone to abuse you and make you feel terrible often. Love isn't about being lied to and manipulated or constantly let down. Love isn't about always putting that other person first. Love isn't about not loving yourself so that you can love that person or persons. Love is simply about caring about that person and them holding a special place in your heart. A place that can't be taken by others or erased over time. Love is about thinking about that person from time to time even decades into the future and hoping that things are alright with them. You don't have to be in someones life to love them. Sometimes loves is knowing when to step back and exit someones life because the toxicity isn't safe for either of you.

I wrote this today on Facebook. I write it because I have been thinking about my mom, my siblings, and even Tom. I haven't been wanting to talk to Tom recently. And it's not because I don't love him or care about him but because it hurts a lot to be lied to and let down so often. And I do love my family but I just can't handle being around them. It isn't healthy for any of us. I clearly trigger them and they react on me. That's just not a good situation for any of us to be in.

I sort of "flipped" on my dad the other day. He came on one of my posts sayig "yous had a free babysitter" talking about my mom. Obviously suggesting that I shouldn't have cut contact with her. I ranted back about her abuse and the things she tells others about him and suggested that if he keeps bringing her up that I am going to cut him out of my life as well. He didn't respond. But I just can't handle his lack of respect over my decision to get away from my abuser. He may be fine with abuse but I am not. I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to live my life hating myself because of the way my mom makes me feel. I want a better life for myself and my children.

I've been extremely lazy lately. I think I'm just trying to recover from how much work had taken out of me and the obvious fact that we're struggling. I think once we get food stamps and once Justin gets into the apprenticeship program that I will feel a lot better. But it'll take some time.

I'm trying to keep my head up and keep myself feeling ok and I think that's also another piece of it. I'm afraid to give up too much of my energy to the point where I will feel like I can't function. It's a difficult balance. It's a struggle.

Lailah and Noel both lately have been wanting me to play with them and it feels so exhausting. I'm not sure why I don't like playing anymore. I remember loving playing when I was a child growing up. But now as a child playing feels like work and it's exhausting. It takes a lot of of me and I'm not sure why. When I am playing with them I feel like I am counting down the minutes until I can stop and get a rest. I hate playing so much. Especially playing with dolls or toys. I can somewhat handle coloring, playing with chalk, doing arts and crafts, reading, or doing hair and nails. The rest feels like work. I'm sure it stems to my childhood somehow but I am not sure how. This summer I am going to try to do more with my kids. I "should" start right away but like I said... I feel like I have to "recover" in a sense from everything that is going on with me before I break. It's a balancing act and I'm afraid to fall.

If Hell were to exist, it couldn't be worse.

I feel like shitty things happen to me ALL the time and I just can't catch a break and idk what I've done to deserve it.
Today I was on my way to therapy when I got rear-ended on the highway. The woman in a white SUV, which hit me, pulled into the lane on the left of me, looked at me signed OK, then drove into the next left lane, then the next left lane, and disappeared into traffic. I was on the highway frozen with adrenaline filling my body, my ears turned bright red, and I couldn't think. There was no breakdown lane for me to pull over in and traffic was still moving slowly and I was almost late to my therapy appt.
In my mind therapy is 100% necessary for my mental and emotional health - I do not want to end back up in the hospital any time soon. So I went to my appt. At my appt I was pausing a lot to breathe since I seemed to be losing my breathe more quickly than usual and I was getting pains in my back where my ribs are.
After I left therapy I called the police in my city who told me I had to contact state police. I called state police who refused to file a report since I hadn't called 911 while still on the highway directly after the crash.
Without the report I can't get my car insurance to cover anything on my car or replace my carseats.
The car seats is the worst part. It will be over $300 to replace my kids carseats. FML.
Which means, I can't bring them anywhere.... until I can get new carseats.
Honestly, this was the last fucking thing I needed right now.
And to top it all off my neck hurts and my back is killing me.

I often feel like life is out to get me. How much torture can I handle? How much can I put up with before I break? I feel like life WANTS me to break. I keep fucking trying to get through things but then something else has to come up... I feel like no matter how good I do getting through one thing, another thing has to happen to try to send me spiraling.
At the moment, I have no job, we're down a car, my carseats are damaged, my body is physically in pain, my bumper is distorted, and my husband is still working min wage over night... If Hell  existed it couldn't be worse than this.

Trust has been broken.

I feel crushed... and humiliated in a sense.
I just got texts from Tom : Well what im telling you is that i do want to back out because i believe atm thats whatd be best for ME because i was informed of an easy job that pays prtty well that i could focus on healing with, but then i worry about u cause i kno how hard it is to have to deal w work when ones health aint 100% and youve got your kids too.
So I'm torn because I want to elp u and i want to see u but i want to ocus on making myself ebtter too and im scared of not being able to do that up there. Unless i had a car and could just be a driver for like uber or amazon or something.
But then i also worry cause i dont want u to feel like this means i dont love you. it's just im worried about my health too and i always put everyone else first and im scared things will only get worse unless i start addressing things like now.

I think its bullshit. I think its complete and utter bullshit because I've been best friends with him for 6 years and yeah, in the first year or so he put me first but after that he's always put himself first and I was always very understanding. This is not the first time that he's blown me off and bailed on me when I've needed him. He's acting so concerned for his health yet before this moment he's never mentioned being so concerned about his health. He's talked about wanting to heal his body and such but not about his body being so damaged it's critical. Plus he's always been working at extremely high stress jobs there in PA.
I don't think I can ever trust him ever again. I know he was just trying to be honest and upfront with me. But I had already quit my job and everything before he spilled this on me. And this isn't the first time he's done this to me. It's been multiple times now. I feel like my trust in him is completely destroyed.

I feel betrayed and hurt.. and like a fool.
I don't even know what else to say... I feel silly for even trusting him again to begin with.

Now I have to either find another job or we have to figure something out... I'm gonna talk to Justin about him trying to get in with the Department of Labor and Training... that's probably the next best step for us. The pay starts out better than where he's at now... I may have to get a part time job too but part time is better than full time. We are going to have to cut more things out... idk, we will figure it out, we always do, I guess.

So much for such little time.

A little bit of time has past since my last post. I came to find out from Tom that his "friend" was actually the girl he's idk.. came to get feelings for? And that she actually WENT THERE to visit him. This was all sprung on me. It was a shock and really upset me actually. Not only that but apparently she was crying because of me. She is convinced that Tom and I are in love with each other and want to have a threesome with Justin LMAO. Oh goodness... but the part that truly pissed me off was that she was kissing him and grabbing him while he was crying and begging him not to talk to me and to end our friendship so he could be with her. Excuse me, bitch? Who the fuck are you? Who do you think you are barging in on my 6 year friendship and trying to take that from me?
In my head I have this... belief I guess? That I am more important to Tom than that, that he would never let me go like that, like he would never let someone get between us, like I have some sort of influence on him? I get thoughts like, "bitch, I dare you, you'd be gone so fast!".
I mean, obviously I know I can't control Tom... and I wouldn't truly want to... but at the same time, I have a strongly held belief that I am just more important to him than that.
He said it caused him to have a panic attack and break down and freeze because I'm his best friend and he wants to talk to me and answer me when I reach out to him. He said he started crying and just couldn't respond anymore to her or move or anything.
Blah...
In other news.... I quit my job.
It's been a very very crazy week.
My boss Jaime called me pretty much threatening me that he would say I quit but actually fire me? He was telling me if I took anymore days off period that I wasn't accepted to go back to work again. I tried explaining mental illness and depression to him - that it's not really something I control, that it's something I battle with every day. Because it is. This past year alone I've been hospitalized 3 times for my depression, I attempted suicide, and I have days where I just can not function period. It's a very difficult battle that I have to face every day. It's not an easy demon to fight. So, I quit. I ended up texting him venting that I am a human being, not just a number that can produce for them, and that I don't appreciate not being appreciated. I told him that I work harder than every other person there and good luck replacing me. He told me I was making a mistake. But I don't care what he thinks.
Tom is telling me that he WILL be moving here at the beginning of next month. Supposedly he will be helping split the rent with Justin and our plan is for Justin to attend school so he can get a job that pays better, while I stay home with the kids. It's the best plan we have at the moment. So - I'm just hoping it'll all work out.
At the moment I just can't return back to a job - it's too hard on me mentally and emotionally. I seem to be struggling with adoption again recently and it feels like everything is piling in on top of me. It feels heavy, exhausting, and draining. Thinking about it makes me feel so entirely emotional and it hurts so deeply inside. I've been crying a lot more than usual which is weird for me because typically I don't cry much at all.... but I have been, quite often. I'm not sure why. Maybe the meds come into play? I'm not sure.

Oh and on another note : I loveeee my daughter's 2nd grade teacher. She has a heart of gold. She has been keeping in touch with me and she called me last night telling me that she will be getting a living room set for us and that she will call me when she's able to bring it by. She's so extremely kind and caring.

That's all for now.

Sick of this shit

I'm so upset. I don't fucking know anything anymore. I feel so agitated and upset.
I ran out of my meds a couple days ago and Justin didn't go get my meds.
I know that's why I'm feeling these ways.
But that makes me upset because then does that mean this is who I truly am? This fucked up, stressed out, high strung individual?
I'm really upset at Tom right now. He told me we would talk this weekend, we never talk anymore.
And yet... we haven't. He fucking stood me up yesterday because he was having a hard time. Okay? But really... fucking stand me up. Told me to be on fb... I waited til fucking 2 am and he never came. Ignored my fucking calls and my texts. Ignored me. Straight up fucking ignored me.
And then AGAIN today. One of his other friends was crying and having a panic attack... fucking told me to meet him on fb, sent me literally two little messages about what he ate and asked how my day was and that's it... fucking just gone. Just blew me off. Ignored my texts. Then told me a friend of his was having a panic attack and he was calming them down. Cool, glad to know that you don't fucking care about me though. Glad I'm fucking last on your list.
I can't even fucking deal. I feel like just fucking destroying our entire friendship. I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of hanging on by a god damn thread.

I'll figure it out.

I am feeling emotional today.
I've been putting my journal entries onto here from my journal.
And most of them have been related to my relationship with Mark and very small amounts about the adoption. Most of it is me being super super depressed :( it makes me sad that I've been depressed this long, battling this difficulty so long.
But I'm happy that I've received most of what I've been begging the universe for.
I have an incredible husband. I had another baby who is just amazing and I love him so much.
I have a best friend who cares so much about me, I can feel his love and care radiating from him, even though he lives in another state.
And I now have friends... they all live in other states but I've formed a community of people who I can reach out to and talk to if I need to. People that actually care about me and I mean something to them.

I also realize that I've come extremely far in life on bettering myself and becoming who I want to be rather than be who my family programmed me to be.
I have an apartment, my family, friends, and I'm on a good medication for my depression.
I'm a better mom - although, I still wish to be better.
I've grown a lot as a person. I'm healthier for myself and others (like emotionally and psychologically).
I obviously want to keep growing and learning and becoming a better version of myself each day.
I'm just glad that I am actually moving forward even though I've felt like I've been doing nothing but running in place.

I'm proud of me. Even though I still struggle a lot with a lot... I will figure it out.

New opportunities may present - or may not.

A few new things going on...
I've been trying to convince Tom to move here... Not sure how well it's working. He says he may, but he's said that before too... and then didn't. So, I never know. He's saying, potentially in 3 weeks. *shrugs*
If he were to move here, him and Justin could work and split rent and I could stay home with the kids. Justin would attend school to get his HVAC license while working. It's a 7 month program. It starts out with good pay supposedly.
I feel like things would get better if he moved here..
Plus Justin and I would qualify for food stamps and other help. Which would severely help us out. Right now we're literally just about keeping our head above water, trying not to drown.
I've been feeling pretty badly depressed recently.. but my psychiatrist said there's no other meds she could give me that would help because this depression is situational and it won't change unless my situation changes. Blah. I just have been feeling so so down.
On Tuesday I found out that a very well known, amazing, and inspiring intactivist took his own life. It hit me pretty hard and I didn't even know him. Maybe it hit hard because I attempted it myself not too long ago... or maybe it hit hard because I understand the pain he must have been facing, or maybe it hit hard because circumcision shouldn't still be happening and it shouldn't have ever happened to him. It's unfair. And it makes me angry that we have to try to convince people that causing their child's genitals to bleed is wrong. :(

Gah.

On another note, I met a new friend who has been helping me a lot with my depression, whether she knows it or not. She's been Skyping with me and we just talk - well sort of lol. She's deaf so I type and she talks - she has the cochlear implant and she grew up talking, she can partially hear with it but it's hard to hear me over the sounds of the laptop and both our homes. She's super kind and caring. She really helps me feel better just by being there and being herself. If we weren't both married I'd have a total girl crush on her. :p haha. She told me she's going to teach me sign. :D I'd like to learn it and become fluent in ASL. I've always wanted to learn ASL. I taught myself some signs when Noel was little and I taught him. He doesn't sign anymore but I remember some signs. :)
She's also an adoptee... I know, I know... what is it with me and attracting adoptees?!?! I have no idea. But I seem to attract either adoptees or other nmoms. Idk. Last night we spent a good portion of the night searching the web and adoptee registries trying to help her find a link to her birth family. We get along well, I hope we can continue being friends.

Work has been TERRIBLE.

I'm realizing that I'm still struggling with depression.. it's just that the suicidal thoughts just aren't there anymore so my mood is a bit easier to handle. But most of the time, I don't want to do anything. I find it difficult to get up and function. I'm going to talk to both my therapist and psychiatrist about it.
Today I didn't want to do anything so we sat at home. Although, we truly can't afford to use the gas in the car or to spend any money. So, there is that.
Idk... I am feeling quite sad today... I'm not sure why...
I'm sure it's partially related to Mother's day being tomorrow..
Mother's day is usually difficult for me because 1. I don't have all my children with me.
And 2. My mom has never been an actual mom. Not one that cares, or is there for you in any mental, emotional, or physical way.
I'm not really sure what to write.. I'm just feeling down..
I miss my best friend, Tom.. we work like complete opposite shifts... We don't talk too much lately at all. That's been hard on me as well.
Work is killing me.. I've started working 9:30-5:30 which SUCKS. I almost never see my kids very much. I come home, eat dinner, and bed.. It's terrible. We need another car but we can't even begin to fathom how we could get another one. We are dirt poor.
Justin and I have been contemplating trying to get into the apprenticeship program through the Dept. of Labor and Training. I was thinking Painting and he's been thinking Carpentry. So I think sometime this week coming up we will call them to find out more.
Not much else....