One day in a nutshell

I had therapy today and my therapist helped me realize why I struggle so much with Lailah.
I was venting to her about how it feels like I can never make Lailah happy, how it seems like no matter what I do it's never enough or good enough for her, and how she expects so much out of me and idk how to please her expectations. I feel like I can't be the mom she needs me to be.
Ericka asked me about my mom and asked me what my mom was like when I was a child and I started ranting about my mom and I basically started saying the exact same things. The my mom always had high expectations of me that I felt I could never meet or please, that I was never enough or good enough for her, that no matter what I did I couldn't make her happy. I couldn't be the child she wanted me to be.
It clicked that my reaction towards Lailah has nothing to do with Lailah - she's being a normal 8 year old. I'm being triggered by my own emotions - a trauma response. My brain suddenly jumps to what I was always taught by my mom - "You're not good enough." "You can't make others happy." etc.
Ericka tells me that it's not my job to make others happy yet I still seem to feel like it is.
I WANT to make others happy and I feel extreme disappointment when I feel like I can't - ESPECIALLY when it comes to my children. I want to feel like enough to them. I want to feel like I am a great mom for them. I often do feel like a good mom... but not the great mom I want to be for them.
I know that it's going to take a lot of work within myself to "fix" this, to feel better about myself, and to not get so triggered so easily and suddenly jump to the thoughts of : "I must not be good enough." etc.
Ericka is going to help me. I really like her as my therapist. She actually helps me realize where my emotions, thoughts, and behaviors stem from and then helps give me ideas so I can work on changing my thoughts and behaviors. She pretty much the first therapist I've had that is intelligent and thoughtful. I like her a lot. She never makes me feel bad or like I'm a problem. She often tells me that things aren't my fault and that I'm doing my best. I like hearing that.

Yesterday I unblocked Tom and I told him I was still angry at him and mad but that I still wanted to talk to him and not throw a 6 year friendship away. I don't want to lose my best friend but I'm still angry at him. I still feel very disappointed and let down by him. He said he understands and that he is going to reflect on a lot of things in our friendship. He went to bed soon after since he had to work all day today. He's still at work but said I can message him and he can get back to me when he has the time to... I don't care, I know he's busy. I don't need his attention. Idk if we will continue being friends or decide it's not the best idea. But we DO need to talk about everything and come to a mutual conclusion. I want it to be decided on together what is best for us and our future whether it be together as friends or apart.

I feel frustrated by Justin today because I told him multiple times that he HAD to call different sponsoring companies and ask if they have a spot open to sponsor an apprentice so that he can find one and then contact the Dept. of L&T. He told me he would after he picked Lailah up from school. I went to therapy, came home and painted with Lailah, ate dinner, and then cleaned the pantry and kitchen. I asked him if he made the phone calls and he told me no. -.- I asked him why and he told me because he was busy with the kids. That sort of really irks me because I get busy with the kids as I am their mom and yet I STILL have to get things done! I still have to fulfill my priorities. The kids are important - very important, but soooo important that we MUST have other priorities that come alongside them so that we can take care of them! Like grocery shopping, laundry, jobs, finances, doctor appointments, getting adequate sleep, cleaning the house, etc. You know??? I even told him all of this not long before coming to journal. He says he understands but I don't feel he truly does because it doesn't seem like he sets up his priorities straight. It feels so frustrating to me because I feel like I constantly have to sort of hold his hand and lead him through everything he should do. I don't want to be acting like a mother to him, I want to be his wife... I want him to be an adult and do the things he knows he has to do, just as I do.

Well, there's my day and thoughts in a nutshell... I think I'm gonna go watch an episode of Grey's anatomy and then get to sleep with Noel. Hopefully he sleeps all night and doesn't wake up as he did last night at midnight and wouldn't go back to sleep until 4am. Goodnight. zzzzz