A little bit of time has past since my last post. I came to find out from Tom that his "friend" was actually the girl he's idk.. came to get feelings for? And that she actually WENT THERE to visit him. This was all sprung on me. It was a shock and really upset me actually. Not only that but apparently she was crying because of me. She is convinced that Tom and I are in love with each other and want to have a threesome with Justin LMAO. Oh goodness... but the part that truly pissed me off was that she was kissing him and grabbing him while he was crying and begging him not to talk to me and to end our friendship so he could be with her. Excuse me, bitch? Who the fuck are you? Who do you think you are barging in on my 6 year friendship and trying to take that from me?
In my head I have this... belief I guess? That I am more important to Tom than that, that he would never let me go like that, like he would never let someone get between us, like I have some sort of influence on him? I get thoughts like, "bitch, I dare you, you'd be gone so fast!".
I mean, obviously I know I can't control Tom... and I wouldn't truly want to... but at the same time, I have a strongly held belief that I am just more important to him than that.
He said it caused him to have a panic attack and break down and freeze because I'm his best friend and he wants to talk to me and answer me when I reach out to him. He said he started crying and just couldn't respond anymore to her or move or anything.
Blah...
In other news.... I quit my job.
It's been a very very crazy week.
My boss Jaime called me pretty much threatening me that he would say I quit but actually fire me? He was telling me if I took anymore days off period that I wasn't accepted to go back to work again. I tried explaining mental illness and depression to him - that it's not really something I control, that it's something I battle with every day. Because it is. This past year alone I've been hospitalized 3 times for my depression, I attempted suicide, and I have days where I just can not function period. It's a very difficult battle that I have to face every day. It's not an easy demon to fight. So, I quit. I ended up texting him venting that I am a human being, not just a number that can produce for them, and that I don't appreciate not being appreciated. I told him that I work harder than every other person there and good luck replacing me. He told me I was making a mistake. But I don't care what he thinks.
Tom is telling me that he WILL be moving here at the beginning of next month. Supposedly he will be helping split the rent with Justin and our plan is for Justin to attend school so he can get a job that pays better, while I stay home with the kids. It's the best plan we have at the moment. So - I'm just hoping it'll all work out.
At the moment I just can't return back to a job - it's too hard on me mentally and emotionally. I seem to be struggling with adoption again recently and it feels like everything is piling in on top of me. It feels heavy, exhausting, and draining. Thinking about it makes me feel so entirely emotional and it hurts so deeply inside. I've been crying a lot more than usual which is weird for me because typically I don't cry much at all.... but I have been, quite often. I'm not sure why. Maybe the meds come into play? I'm not sure.
Oh and on another note : I loveeee my daughter's 2nd grade teacher. She has a heart of gold. She has been keeping in touch with me and she called me last night telling me that she will be getting a living room set for us and that she will call me when she's able to bring it by. She's so extremely kind and caring.
That's all for now.
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