Just because you love someone (a mother, a father, a sibling, a friend, a partner, etc) does not mean that they are healthy for you. You can still love them but also eliminate them from your life. Love isn't about allowing someone to abuse you and make you feel terrible often. Love isn't about being lied to and manipulated or constantly let down. Love isn't about always putting that other person first. Love isn't about not loving yourself so that you can love that person or persons. Love is simply about caring about that person and them holding a special place in your heart. A place that can't be taken by others or erased over time. Love is about thinking about that person from time to time even decades into the future and hoping that things are alright with them. You don't have to be in someones life to love them. Sometimes loves is knowing when to step back and exit someones life because the toxicity isn't safe for either of you.
I wrote this today on Facebook. I write it because I have been thinking about my mom, my siblings, and even Tom. I haven't been wanting to talk to Tom recently. And it's not because I don't love him or care about him but because it hurts a lot to be lied to and let down so often. And I do love my family but I just can't handle being around them. It isn't healthy for any of us. I clearly trigger them and they react on me. That's just not a good situation for any of us to be in.
I sort of "flipped" on my dad the other day. He came on one of my posts sayig "yous had a free babysitter" talking about my mom. Obviously suggesting that I shouldn't have cut contact with her. I ranted back about her abuse and the things she tells others about him and suggested that if he keeps bringing her up that I am going to cut him out of my life as well. He didn't respond. But I just can't handle his lack of respect over my decision to get away from my abuser. He may be fine with abuse but I am not. I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to live my life hating myself because of the way my mom makes me feel. I want a better life for myself and my children.
I've been extremely lazy lately. I think I'm just trying to recover from how much work had taken out of me and the obvious fact that we're struggling. I think once we get food stamps and once Justin gets into the apprenticeship program that I will feel a lot better. But it'll take some time.
I'm trying to keep my head up and keep myself feeling ok and I think that's also another piece of it. I'm afraid to give up too much of my energy to the point where I will feel like I can't function. It's a difficult balance. It's a struggle.
Lailah and Noel both lately have been wanting me to play with them and it feels so exhausting. I'm not sure why I don't like playing anymore. I remember loving playing when I was a child growing up. But now as a child playing feels like work and it's exhausting. It takes a lot of of me and I'm not sure why. When I am playing with them I feel like I am counting down the minutes until I can stop and get a rest. I hate playing so much. Especially playing with dolls or toys. I can somewhat handle coloring, playing with chalk, doing arts and crafts, reading, or doing hair and nails. The rest feels like work. I'm sure it stems to my childhood somehow but I am not sure how. This summer I am going to try to do more with my kids. I "should" start right away but like I said... I feel like I have to "recover" in a sense from everything that is going on with me before I break. It's a balancing act and I'm afraid to fall.
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