It's 2 am and I'm wide awake wondering about how I will ever find happiness. Or IF I will ever find happiness. I'm not sure what happiness looks like. I just believe it doesn't look like feeling sad all the time, feeling agitated all the time, or feeling stressed out.
I don't know what can help me feel happy. I read something online that said to think of 3 things that you would want to come true in life that you believe would create happiness. But I am not sure that anything could make me happy. Even if I got everything I wish for - I am not sure that it would make me happy.
But if I had to wish for 3 things... the first would be to be surrounded by people that care about me and that I could get support from - not just people online. The second would to be financially stable. And the third... I guess would be to go back to school and become something that makes me feel passion inside of myself. I've always wanted to become a neurologist but I've always felt like I would never be able to - not smart wise or financially. But maybe, just maybe I could. Or maybe I could become a surgeon.. who knows. I wouldn't want to get into a tough career until my children are older but it would give me something to do since my children wouldn't need me so much anymore and that is something I worry about. I worry about feeling lost when I'm no longer needed all the time as all I truly identify as at this point in time is a mom. I am a mom.
The first is very difficult to find... there aren't a lot of people like me, people that think like me, and believe in similar things as I do. I struggle to connect with people who cut their infants, hit their kids, and otherwise harm their children. I have very strong passionate views and I need that from others that I would surround myself with.
The second I guess would take time... but we will get there, one day.
The third... sort of goes hand in hand with the second.
Idk... I want to be happy in the here and now... not 10-20 years from now. I want to be a happy mom for my children, I want to be a good mom for them, a mom that laughs and can play. I want them to remember me as a great mom that tried and loved as much as she could. I don't want them to have memories similar to what I have. I could pretend.... it would be difficult but I could do it. They would remember what I want them to even if it's a lie. It's just getting through the struggle to get up and function enough to pretend that well. Who knows maybe if I fake it, I'll make it.
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