Why do you let yourself get down?
You've overcame so many obstacles in life already1 Don't give up.
You've survived. You're strong. You're a survivor!
You got through physical, mental, verbal, and emotional abuse, you've come so far!
You got through high school and raised the most beautiful little girl ever!
You are a great mom!
Just keep moving forward!
Do your best! That's all you can do!
You got through the adoption of your son and you've been much stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for!
Keep your head high because you are exactly where you're supposed to be right now!
You are doing awesome. You are becoming what you can.
Everything you want will fall into place. Give it time.
Give yourself credit for how far you've come and appreciate yourself and those around you!
You are a beautiful girl with an amazing bf who loves you. You deserve him after how far you've come.
Believe in yourself and believe in me!
Believe in your love and your passion.
You will succeed.
You will.
Stay strong, love always, believe
<3 Love, you.
Life will continue moving forward with or without you. - Don't let it be without you.
Love is a feeling, not an explanation. - Mark Oki
My life. Everyday being a new beginning.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Journal of Positivity - day 2
Hm, so today mark and I picked Lailah up and left to drop him off at work. Then Lai and I went to the zoo! I love the zoo, she does too! I got her a new pair of sunglasses and a zoo book. One day I'll read it to her.
We went back and got Mark and ate lunch at Chelo's. After that we hung out at the office for a bit. Lai and I played some games online and then she hugged and cuddled with me. I loved it so much!
She means everything to me. More than ever imaginable.
I love Mark so extremely much as well.
Today I heard a song by Demi Lavato and it goes:
Skies are crying, I am watching, catching teardrops in my hands.
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?
You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am, like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper.
Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper.
Like a skyscraper.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you get GET hit and keep moving forward. How much you can TAKE and keep moving forward. That's how WINNING IS DONE. Now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you want to be, because of him, her, or anybody. Cowards do that, and that ain't you! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!!!."
- Rocky Balboa
"Our deepest fears are not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."
"It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. Playing small doesn't serve the world, there is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine, as children. Not just some of us, it's in all of us. As we let our own light shine, we are constantly giving other people permission to do the same, as we are liberated from all fear."
"What self-inflicted rule says you can't, you shouldn't, or just play it safe? The outrageous life longs to live! To be unshackled, unashamed; fearless, and selfless in the pursuit of the desired.
Unimaginable joy awaits those brave souls who break from their safe perch behind a window pane to dance in the rain and scoff at the winds. There is so much more to life, with more life to live, priceless treasures longing to spill out from the broken vessel we once were. What are we holding onto anyway? Memories? Beliefs? Dreams? Regrets? Let them go. LIVE, yes, live outrageously. Do something unexpected, unrehearsed, unsafe; throw caution to the wind, bite off more than you can chew, break a rule or two, or maybe three or four even. What do we really have to lose anyway? If you were truly content you would have stopped reading by now, so let the restless discontent with the usual shake you from your slumbering safety and burst forth in newness of life.
This is the Perfect Moment."
We went back and got Mark and ate lunch at Chelo's. After that we hung out at the office for a bit. Lai and I played some games online and then she hugged and cuddled with me. I loved it so much!
She means everything to me. More than ever imaginable.
I love Mark so extremely much as well.
Today I heard a song by Demi Lavato and it goes:
Skies are crying, I am watching, catching teardrops in my hands.
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?
You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am, like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper.
Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper.
Like a skyscraper.
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you get GET hit and keep moving forward. How much you can TAKE and keep moving forward. That's how WINNING IS DONE. Now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you want to be, because of him, her, or anybody. Cowards do that, and that ain't you! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!!!."
- Rocky Balboa
"Our deepest fears are not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."
"It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. Playing small doesn't serve the world, there is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people don't feel insecure around you. We were all meant to shine, as children. Not just some of us, it's in all of us. As we let our own light shine, we are constantly giving other people permission to do the same, as we are liberated from all fear."
"What self-inflicted rule says you can't, you shouldn't, or just play it safe? The outrageous life longs to live! To be unshackled, unashamed; fearless, and selfless in the pursuit of the desired.
Unimaginable joy awaits those brave souls who break from their safe perch behind a window pane to dance in the rain and scoff at the winds. There is so much more to life, with more life to live, priceless treasures longing to spill out from the broken vessel we once were. What are we holding onto anyway? Memories? Beliefs? Dreams? Regrets? Let them go. LIVE, yes, live outrageously. Do something unexpected, unrehearsed, unsafe; throw caution to the wind, bite off more than you can chew, break a rule or two, or maybe three or four even. What do we really have to lose anyway? If you were truly content you would have stopped reading by now, so let the restless discontent with the usual shake you from your slumbering safety and burst forth in newness of life.
This is the Perfect Moment."
Monday, August 29, 2011
Journal of positivity - day 1
This is part experiment, part vow. Everything that is to go in here MUST be positive. Even if my thoughts aren't at the time. I will make them.
This morning Mark and I brought Lailah out for breakfast. I am blessed to have them both in my life. They both have provided me with so much love and opportunity to grow and create a beautiful future. At breakfast Lailah played just about every game on my phone. She is so beautiful and smart. She's made it a routine to always try to blow her straw wrapper at Mark. lol She makes me so happy. I love her more than anyone could ever imagine possible and I guess that's what it's like to be a mother of such a beautiful little girl.
Then we ate our breakfast. I had my usual 222 and Lai had her usual of homefries, some of my French toast (she called them pancakes, idk why lol) and bacon. She is my life.
Then Mark and I brought her back to her grandparents, John and Melanie's. She held me so tight, hugging me. She misses me. One day we will have a home together and not have to be apart for so long anymore.
Then Mark and I went to work, we also got this new journal and a planner for me. I will become more organized. I will get my life together. I was blessed to have met my boyfriend last December. He means so much to me. I'm extremely lucky to have him. He has been there for me through so much and I'm really grateful. He's brought so much light to my life and although it's stressful I couldn't ask for more. He's provided a lot of opportunities for me and has and is continuing to help me grow as a person every single day. Not a day goes by where he isn't kissing me and telling me how much he loves me.
It's amazing.
I will start showing him how important he is to me. How much I love him too.
We now have this thing where I say, "I love you."
He says, "I love you too."
I say, "I love you more."
He says, "I love you most."
It's adorable.
Anyways, :) Lailah just called me as Mark and I were leaving work. She was giggling uncontrollably. I couldn't help but be happy knowing that she is mine. This beautiful blessing was born from myself. I couldn't help but laugh along. She asked me what I was doing. I replied that I was leaving work. She asked if I was with Mark and if he was near me. I replied, yes he is. She laughed and laughed, saying hat she was laughing at Mark. Saying that he is so funny and that I also am funny. How a 3 year olds mind works I don't know exactly but I'm happy it works as it does because there is nothing I'd rather hear than her laughter.
I never knew before what being a mother could bring. Now though, I wouldn't change it for a thing.
Tomorrow Lailah and I have a park date and probably some lunch. I'm happy and excited.
This morning Mark and I brought Lailah out for breakfast. I am blessed to have them both in my life. They both have provided me with so much love and opportunity to grow and create a beautiful future. At breakfast Lailah played just about every game on my phone. She is so beautiful and smart. She's made it a routine to always try to blow her straw wrapper at Mark. lol She makes me so happy. I love her more than anyone could ever imagine possible and I guess that's what it's like to be a mother of such a beautiful little girl.
Then we ate our breakfast. I had my usual 222 and Lai had her usual of homefries, some of my French toast (she called them pancakes, idk why lol) and bacon. She is my life.
Then Mark and I brought her back to her grandparents, John and Melanie's. She held me so tight, hugging me. She misses me. One day we will have a home together and not have to be apart for so long anymore.
Then Mark and I went to work, we also got this new journal and a planner for me. I will become more organized. I will get my life together. I was blessed to have met my boyfriend last December. He means so much to me. I'm extremely lucky to have him. He has been there for me through so much and I'm really grateful. He's brought so much light to my life and although it's stressful I couldn't ask for more. He's provided a lot of opportunities for me and has and is continuing to help me grow as a person every single day. Not a day goes by where he isn't kissing me and telling me how much he loves me.
It's amazing.
I will start showing him how important he is to me. How much I love him too.
We now have this thing where I say, "I love you."
He says, "I love you too."
I say, "I love you more."
He says, "I love you most."
It's adorable.
Anyways, :) Lailah just called me as Mark and I were leaving work. She was giggling uncontrollably. I couldn't help but be happy knowing that she is mine. This beautiful blessing was born from myself. I couldn't help but laugh along. She asked me what I was doing. I replied that I was leaving work. She asked if I was with Mark and if he was near me. I replied, yes he is. She laughed and laughed, saying hat she was laughing at Mark. Saying that he is so funny and that I also am funny. How a 3 year olds mind works I don't know exactly but I'm happy it works as it does because there is nothing I'd rather hear than her laughter.
I never knew before what being a mother could bring. Now though, I wouldn't change it for a thing.
Tomorrow Lailah and I have a park date and probably some lunch. I'm happy and excited.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
All over the place.
Het it's me again. I haven't written in a long time. So I guess I'll update. I'm still with Mark. It's been 8 months. He gave me a promise ring a couple days ago, on the 24th o July. I am so totally in love with this man. Anyways, recently I've been falling apart. I'm jealous of other girls, especially Caroline still. She's always telling Mark how much she loves him and misses him. I'm so afraid of losing him somehow. I've been feeling like a failure recently even though I got a job, working with Mark at Vector. I've sold almost 10k in sale. I've saved up almost 1k in my savings account. I don't hear much from Elizabeth and I kind of don't care to either. When Bennett was born he was 6 weeks early. I got into a small accident on the highway and started having contractions, I went directly to the hospital and had him the next day. I called Elizabeth and Nathan when I didn't have to. I let them hear Bennett be born. I let them come to RI and go to the NICU. I let them old him and have a daily pass. None of which I had to do. Elizabeth promised that Bennett could continue on breast milk - the only thing I could do for him. But she lied. I left the hospital Sunday and on Monday she told me she wasn't going to feed it to him any longer then she said she would let me know before Bennett left the hospital to go home to SC with them. She lied again. I wanted at least one picture f Lailah and Bennett which now I'll never have. I did so much for them that I didn't have to do, then they betrayed me!
Moving on -- I feel like a worthless mom. I can't support even just Lailah cuz I'm trying to save for a life, a future.
I don't want to be a failure anymore.
What's wrong with me
Moving on -- I feel like a worthless mom. I can't support even just Lailah cuz I'm trying to save for a life, a future.
I don't want to be a failure anymore.
What's wrong with me
- I get depressed a lot
- I don't have friends
- I can't hold myself together
- Mark and Lailah are my everythings
- I'm unmotivated
- I'm not smart
- not in college
- my car is a piece of shit
- I get an attitude because I'm upset often
- I want more than what I have.
- I get frustrated and stressed out very easily
I want to be better. I want to own my own house I want to raise my daughter. I wan to have friends I can confide in. I want everything I might not deserve.
I want to feel okay. I want to feel accepted every day.
I want to love myself.
Things that might make me happy:
- a home
- a new car
- a family
- steady good income
- savings
- a husband
- a new baby
- donating
- to be successful
Maybe I'll never feel satisfies, maybe I'm broken or missing something.
Then I feel like secluding myself and quitting. But I'll continue staying strong.
I will not give in.
I will not give in.
I have to learn to love myself. Accept myself. Just like I love and accept Mark.
Mark is my angel sent to save me.
Like Lailah is my angel sent to protect me.
Until savior came. I'm blessed to have them both and I often forget.
One day I will love and accept myself. One day. I will be happy.
- Now, I'm not as awesome as other people who say, "Why not today!?!"
I'm not ready.
Thankful List
- Lailah
- Mark
- My car
- Bennett is loved and safe
- I have a job making good money
- My mom has become more than before - loving
- I'm saving some money
- I have a place to stay in the mean time and food to eat
- I've met more people like myself on FB's "sisterhood"
- I'm pretty
- I'm alive
- I'm healthy
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME! FUCK MY LIFE. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I HATE MYSELF
I FORGET
EVERYTHING
I'M SO FUCKING STUPID ALL THE TIME! WHY DO I KEEP TRYING WEN I CLERLY CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!
Mark is much better off without me. I should go home. suck at everything I do. Not even sometimes. ALL the time. Maybe I AM a failure.
If Mark or someone was wrong ALL the time, I wouldn't be able to stand it. But I am stuck with myself.
I hate this life.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Weird rant..
I can't take this. Everyone is pissing me off. I can't ever get help from certain people around me. But then they always expect help from me. It's ridiculous. And truly it's pissing me off. I am so annoyed.
I've been learning not to judge others and their pasts. To just let mistakes go and learn from myself and others mistakes. but I can not feel bad for other people who look at themselves as victims who don't even try to escape. I can't see why people don't aim for what they want. it's like they would rather stay depressed, unmotivated, pathetic, and sad.
If you want happiness, then aim for it. Sometimes you have to do things youhate the most like the least to get the things you want the most.
I've been learning not to judge others and their pasts. To just let mistakes go and learn from myself and others mistakes. but I can not feel bad for other people who look at themselves as victims who don't even try to escape. I can't see why people don't aim for what they want. it's like they would rather stay depressed, unmotivated, pathetic, and sad.
If you want happiness, then aim for it. Sometimes you have to do things you
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Tons of emotions in me
I'm back to writing. I feel so alone. I was sitting in my bed alone and crying. I'm so depressed. I did the adoption. I had him Friday morning April 15 at 12:24 am. He's beautiful. Mark came, he was at Donkey Dodgers poker and he won, then came to the hospital for me. He's amazing and I truly love him. He was there for me last night too when I broke down. He held me, kissed me, held me and just let me cry. He was there for me more than anyone. I don't know what I would do without him.
I'm upset. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, but I'm blessed.
I'm upset because I feel like everyone around me besides Mark and Lailah and Megan (who I text) are completely fake.
I'm angry because I feel like after people are done getting what they want from me, that I'm thrown away.
I'm sad because while Mark is working, I feel like I have nobody.
No friends, no support.
I'm frustrated because I can't have sex with Mark.
I don't feel desire to have sex right now. I feel disgusting and gross.
I just want my body back.
I'm in so much pain. My contracting uterus hurts. My breasts hurt more than imaginable. My belly is flabby and not tight.
I'm blessed because I have the most beautiful 3 year old daughter ever and because I found the most amazing guy I ever could have possibly found and I'm glad I stayed talking to him.
I'm upset. I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, but I'm blessed.
I'm upset because I feel like everyone around me besides Mark and Lailah and Megan (who I text) are completely fake.
I'm angry because I feel like after people are done getting what they want from me, that I'm thrown away.
I'm sad because while Mark is working, I feel like I have nobody.
No friends, no support.
I'm frustrated because I can't have sex with Mark.
I don't feel desire to have sex right now. I feel disgusting and gross.
I just want my body back.
I'm in so much pain. My contracting uterus hurts. My breasts hurt more than imaginable. My belly is flabby and not tight.
I'm blessed because I have the most beautiful 3 year old daughter ever and because I found the most amazing guy I ever could have possibly found and I'm glad I stayed talking to him.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Always a slave
Mom said go home to be home with Moe so she could go to the gym.
Kids were napping. Moe was on computer. I couldn't go do what I had to (my glucose test).
Mom said I had to make dinner or go grocery shopping I said I didn't want to go out. I had to make rice, chicken, and broccoli. Mom didn't even go grocery shopping. Moe did with Jazzy. Mom laid in bed. I used to get bitched at about using the car but I've always driven it sober. moe and her friends were out all day and smoking weed with the car. Mom said I had to fold all the laundry because she folded a (1) basket of mine. I washed my own, she just folded them without me knowing. But I had to fold 3 baskets of Brian's, Moe's and her clothing for her.
Kids were napping. Moe was on computer. I couldn't go do what I had to (my glucose test).
Mom said I had to make dinner or go grocery shopping I said I didn't want to go out. I had to make rice, chicken, and broccoli. Mom didn't even go grocery shopping. Moe did with Jazzy. Mom laid in bed. I used to get bitched at about using the car but I've always driven it sober. moe and her friends were out all day and smoking weed with the car. Mom said I had to fold all the laundry because she folded a (1) basket of mine. I washed my own, she just folded them without me knowing. But I had to fold 3 baskets of Brian's, Moe's and her clothing for her.
Friday, March 4, 2011
I don't want to live.
I. Hate. This. Life. Chosen. For me.
I'm in love with a guy who doesn't want a relationship with me.
I have a daughter I apparently can't provide for.
I have a mother who bitches about me living with her and eating her food.
I have a sister who is a major bitch and only cares about herself.
I have no friends what-so-ever.
And I hate it all.
Oh and a baby I can't even keep. Fantastic.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.
I have no emotional support. No body to listen to me. I don't even feel worth it anymore.
Sometimes I honestly feel like giving Lailah to Scott's family and killing myself.
I'd write her letters for the entire future.
I don't wanna be here.
I hold on hoping things will get better but I still feel worthless.
I get bitched at for eating and having a room to sleep in.
God forbid.
I should just die.
Please let me die.
What I have to do for mom:
Weds - Pick up moe at 12am, bring dad drs 6am, bring jaz to work 4pm.
Friday - pick up Melissa, Lexi, and Chelsea
Tuesday - Be home with Moe to watch daycare so mom can go to the gym 11:30am
Mon- Get Melissa 1:40pm, bring dad to drs 9am
I'm in love with a guy who doesn't want a relationship with me.
I have a daughter I apparently can't provide for.
I have a mother who bitches about me living with her and eating her food.
I have a sister who is a major bitch and only cares about herself.
I have no friends what-so-ever.
And I hate it all.
Oh and a baby I can't even keep. Fantastic.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to feel this pain anymore.
I have no emotional support. No body to listen to me. I don't even feel worth it anymore.
Sometimes I honestly feel like giving Lailah to Scott's family and killing myself.
I'd write her letters for the entire future.
I don't wanna be here.
I hold on hoping things will get better but I still feel worthless.
I get bitched at for eating and having a room to sleep in.
God forbid.
I should just die.
Please let me die.
What I have to do for mom:
Weds - Pick up moe at 12am, bring dad drs 6am, bring jaz to work 4pm.
Friday - pick up Melissa, Lexi, and Chelsea
Tuesday - Be home with Moe to watch daycare so mom can go to the gym 11:30am
Mon- Get Melissa 1:40pm, bring dad to drs 9am
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Fuck this
Why can't I just be happy without people telling me I'm a horrible shitty person? Why can't I be happy without people bringing me down?
I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to live to never be allowed to be happy. I just want to feel loved and once I do then it's like I'm a horrible person for wanting that. Maybe I shoulda done adoption with Lailah. Maybe I wouldn't be stuck in my hose, I hate it here.
I hate my mom and the people around me. I just want to die and do everyone a goddamned favor. I don't want to keep trying so hard. It's pointless.
I was finally feeling happy. But apparently happiness is a sin. I want to just cu myself again and it won't even matter since I can't see Mark anymore. My mom says I can't use her car and I'm not allowed to go out anymore.
I give up. I quit.
Fuck this.
I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to live to never be allowed to be happy. I just want to feel loved and once I do then it's like I'm a horrible person for wanting that. Maybe I shoulda done adoption with Lailah. Maybe I wouldn't be stuck in my hose, I hate it here.
I hate my mom and the people around me. I just want to die and do everyone a goddamned favor. I don't want to keep trying so hard. It's pointless.
I was finally feeling happy. But apparently happiness is a sin. I want to just cu myself again and it won't even matter since I can't see Mark anymore. My mom says I can't use her car and I'm not allowed to go out anymore.
I give up. I quit.
Fuck this.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Why me?
I get paranoid and anxious. I don't feel good enough. Why does Mark continue seeing me? Me? Of all girls. I'm pregnant. Wtf? Not that I don't want him to, cuz I definitely do. But I'm so scared of losing him now. What if it's too much? I know I should live in each moment but I'm not prepared for heartbreak right now.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Stupid Valentines day
Oh goodness. I think I'm in love. I been bit by the love bug or struck by an arrow. I don't want to lose him. The way he smiles at me. The way he makes me laugh and smile. The way he holds my hand in his. The way he makes it all alright. The way we cuddle together. The way he looks at me. The way he always knows what to say.
We still aren't in a relationship but I'm okay with that now. I know he's not seeing anyone else. And right now, that's all that matters to me.
God. The way he's silly with me. The way he looks into my eyes and kisses my lips.
Stupid Valentines day.
You got to me.
We still aren't in a relationship but I'm okay with that now. I know he's not seeing anyone else. And right now, that's all that matters to me.
God. The way he's silly with me. The way he looks into my eyes and kisses my lips.
Stupid Valentines day.
You got to me.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Nothing but a liar.
Today was kindah hard on me. I'm sick of being bossed around. Go do this. Do that, Do this. Yet no one does anything to help me. Ever. I didn't get to see Mark today and I didn't get to go to poker and Lai went to her Papa John's house. I miss her. Tonight Mark was strange, like pushing me away. Idk why. My mom went to Foxwoods tonight. She promised me that for my birthday she would take me to Foxwoods and she never did. Yet she went tonight. She says she's "broke" but she just got a new tattoo too.
Idk, I'm tired. Gnight.
Idk, I'm tired. Gnight.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Love is in the air!
Happy Birthday to my most precious baby girl! She's 3 today at 12:55pm! Time went by so fast! I love her more than anything.
Things have been better. Mark - being with him makes me happy. And I won't leave that.
Having my kids makes me happy and I won't end that either.
Mark is getting used to the idea of my kids. I'm happy he is. He accepts my pregnancy more and Lailah. It's been 2.5 months.
This whole, no friend this is going alright. I can't wait to get my income tax!
Things have been better. Mark - being with him makes me happy. And I won't leave that.
Having my kids makes me happy and I won't end that either.
Mark is getting used to the idea of my kids. I'm happy he is. He accepts my pregnancy more and Lailah. It's been 2.5 months.
This whole, no friend this is going alright. I can't wait to get my income tax!
- car
- insurance
- 3D 4D ultrasound
- pics of Lailah
- things for baby
Hopefully all of those!
I'm glad I'm feeling better. But maybe that's cuz Love is in the air :D !
<3 <3 <3 <3
Monday, February 7, 2011
My daughter is brilliant
Yesterday I started getting Braxton hicks contractions. Today I felt him hiccup for the first time. He got them twice. I'm 24 weeks.
Lailah is brilliant. She's about to be 3 and she knows so much!
She learned, by herself, how to open up child proof lids so we now have to put meds mad high up. And the oher day I told her to get dressed cuz Papa John is coming to get her.
I said, "Lai, get dressed, Papa John is coming to get you".
She said, "No mommy, I only have ONE Papa John. Not two Papa John's. ONE. Papa John come get me. Not two!"
haha. How bright is that?!
I'm getting a car with my income tax. I'm so excited! I can't wait. Then school in Fall. I hope it all works out.
On another note.
Mark <3
I'm falling.
I'm getting afraid of losing him.
But I can't let him go.
We get along so well. I feel like we fit together but idk how long it'll last but I don't want it to fade.
Living day by day and I'm hoping that everything will be okay.
<3
Lailah is brilliant. She's about to be 3 and she knows so much!
She learned, by herself, how to open up child proof lids so we now have to put meds mad high up. And the oher day I told her to get dressed cuz Papa John is coming to get her.
I said, "Lai, get dressed, Papa John is coming to get you".
She said, "No mommy, I only have ONE Papa John. Not two Papa John's. ONE. Papa John come get me. Not two!"
haha. How bright is that?!
I'm getting a car with my income tax. I'm so excited! I can't wait. Then school in Fall. I hope it all works out.
On another note.
Mark <3
I'm falling.
I'm getting afraid of losing him.
But I can't let him go.
We get along so well. I feel like we fit together but idk how long it'll last but I don't want it to fade.
Living day by day and I'm hoping that everything will be okay.
<3
Friday, January 28, 2011
I hate my mom and everything she is.
My mom I so fake.
She's the biggest bitch. Okay, I lie, probably not the biggest but I sure as hell can't tolerate her. I hate her and everything she is. She's a selfish bitch who puts others around her down to feel good about herself. She convinces herself that everyone else around her is what she really is. A pathetic mess, a bitch, a cunt, selfish, self centered, and everything else like that. She's stupid and I hate her.
Greedy fucking bitch.
Everyone sees her as he wants them to see her. Some people see through her and see the truth, but most people are too stupid for that. I can't want to get out and pretend she's dead to me. I can't wait til I can never hear her pathetic waste of a voice again!
She's the biggest bitch. Okay, I lie, probably not the biggest but I sure as hell can't tolerate her. I hate her and everything she is. She's a selfish bitch who puts others around her down to feel good about herself. She convinces herself that everyone else around her is what she really is. A pathetic mess, a bitch, a cunt, selfish, self centered, and everything else like that. She's stupid and I hate her.
Greedy fucking bitch.
Everyone sees her as he wants them to see her. Some people see through her and see the truth, but most people are too stupid for that. I can't want to get out and pretend she's dead to me. I can't wait til I can never hear her pathetic waste of a voice again!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Adoption shit
Today I called the adoption agency. Idk what to do yet. My goal is to get a car. If I can't get a car then I feel like I have to do the adoption. I feel I don't have many other choices.
I want to be a good mom.
I miss Lailah, she's with her grandparents. But going to Mark's helps me not be so depressed. He makes me feel happy. I mean, so does Lai. But it's not the same, you know? Mark might not ever accept me, love me, or want me. But for now this is what I can handle.
I can't stand my family. At least with Mark I don't feel as alone as I usually would. With Mark, I'm surviving. Things are tolerable. Yet he will never know that.
A Birth Mother's Choice
I want to be a good mom.
I miss Lailah, she's with her grandparents. But going to Mark's helps me not be so depressed. He makes me feel happy. I mean, so does Lai. But it's not the same, you know? Mark might not ever accept me, love me, or want me. But for now this is what I can handle.
I can't stand my family. At least with Mark I don't feel as alone as I usually would. With Mark, I'm surviving. Things are tolerable. Yet he will never know that.
A Birth Mother's Choice
- Open adoptions
- letters
- pictures
- visitations
- calls
- pick own family
- can opt out at any time until paperwork final
- fax over proof of pregnancy
- pick a family
- meet
- talk
- housing in SC
- help with housing in SC
- counseling
- get to know family
- advertise for bio dad in last known big city - Providence
Call back Erin
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
He needs to decide.
I was going to write earlier but I didn't. Last night I talked to Mark again about how I can't keep doing this bs. I can't stand other girls flirting with him or anything and I can't do anything about it. I can't kiss him or do anything to show he's mind and it pisses me off and makes me so jealous.
I told him yet again he has to decide what he wants cuz I'm not gonna keep waiting around.
He legit has like one more month cuz this baby is coming soon. If he's not ready, I'm moving on.
I can't keep feeling like I'm a secret anymore. He's either gotta let me go so I can get over him or be with me and support my decisions.
I don't want to wait months, having lost my bestfriend, my family gone, and being heart-broken too. He says he doesn't want to hurt me but I'll be hurt either way. I know I will.
I told him yet again he has to decide what he wants cuz I'm not gonna keep waiting around.
He legit has like one more month cuz this baby is coming soon. If he's not ready, I'm moving on.
I can't keep feeling like I'm a secret anymore. He's either gotta let me go so I can get over him or be with me and support my decisions.
I don't want to wait months, having lost my bestfriend, my family gone, and being heart-broken too. He says he doesn't want to hurt me but I'll be hurt either way. I know I will.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Considering Adoption because I hate life
3:30 am
I find myself wishing I had a friend, someone who accepts me, loves me, cares about me, is there for me, doesn't judge me, is trustworthy, and being there for me is important.
But there seems to be no one like that.
I miss Taylor, a lot. I love her you know and it hurts. Why can't I move on from the past?
Why can't I just feel normal? I want to love someone who loves me. And my children.
Thoughts from a suicidal:
Many people wonder how we could think of suicide. They say it's the cowards way out, but I'd like to see them choose death over their life. But when life feels that bad then it feels worth it.
If you wonder how a person can think of it let me ask you some questions...
Have you ever been abused? Mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually? By a parent? By a spouse? By your own child?
Have you been molested? Raped? Picked on?
Have you cried to yourself alone for days/weeks, with no one to care enough to check on you? Have you been admitted to a hospital, many, so that you don't have to be cared for by those who should love you?
Most who are suicidal first start with self harm. For me, I was like 6 when I started abusing myself.
I've been molested, abuse, raped. I've been used and broken.
Yet here I am.
Why?
Because of my daughter.
I have no one else. I might not ever. But I have Lailah, yet I still think of suicide?
Why?
Because I'm 21 and carrying the child of an abusive psychopath. Because I am living with my unstable mother. Because I don't have a car or a job, which go hand in hand. Because I have no friends. Because in an instant I could lose everyone and everything that holds me semi-stable.
I can't trust anyone and what kind of world is it if you can't trust anyone at all?
People use the phrase, "If you kill yourself you'll hurt me, you'll break everyone who loves you heart."
Really? Well guess what? People get over death and losing someone.
Especially someone you thought wasn't worth being there for n the first place.
But us suicidal thinkers, we don't get over the past, we can't just move on. Every day tortures us. Memories. Nightmares.
You aren't the ones suffering.
1:50 pm
I'm on he verge of tears. Idk what to do. I want to keep my son but I can't. I feel like I can't. I hate my family. I have no emotional support. I'm hurt. I feel like giving up on everything.
My aunt texted Moe saying, "Rachael shouldn't be having kids since she doesn't take care of them."
No matter how hard I try, it isn't good enough. Everyone talks shit about me behind my back. No one cares what I'm dealing with or going through.
1. Abrahams center of Life Adoption, surrogacy, embryo & egg donor agency
I find myself wishing I had a friend, someone who accepts me, loves me, cares about me, is there for me, doesn't judge me, is trustworthy, and being there for me is important.
But there seems to be no one like that.
I miss Taylor, a lot. I love her you know and it hurts. Why can't I move on from the past?
Why can't I just feel normal? I want to love someone who loves me. And my children.
Thoughts from a suicidal:
Many people wonder how we could think of suicide. They say it's the cowards way out, but I'd like to see them choose death over their life. But when life feels that bad then it feels worth it.
If you wonder how a person can think of it let me ask you some questions...
Have you ever been abused? Mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually? By a parent? By a spouse? By your own child?
Have you been molested? Raped? Picked on?
Have you cried to yourself alone for days/weeks, with no one to care enough to check on you? Have you been admitted to a hospital, many, so that you don't have to be cared for by those who should love you?
Most who are suicidal first start with self harm. For me, I was like 6 when I started abusing myself.
I've been molested, abuse, raped. I've been used and broken.
Yet here I am.
Why?
Because of my daughter.
I have no one else. I might not ever. But I have Lailah, yet I still think of suicide?
Why?
Because I'm 21 and carrying the child of an abusive psychopath. Because I am living with my unstable mother. Because I don't have a car or a job, which go hand in hand. Because I have no friends. Because in an instant I could lose everyone and everything that holds me semi-stable.
I can't trust anyone and what kind of world is it if you can't trust anyone at all?
People use the phrase, "If you kill yourself you'll hurt me, you'll break everyone who loves you heart."
Really? Well guess what? People get over death and losing someone.
Especially someone you thought wasn't worth being there for n the first place.
But us suicidal thinkers, we don't get over the past, we can't just move on. Every day tortures us. Memories. Nightmares.
You aren't the ones suffering.
1:50 pm
I'm on he verge of tears. Idk what to do. I want to keep my son but I can't. I feel like I can't. I hate my family. I have no emotional support. I'm hurt. I feel like giving up on everything.
My aunt texted Moe saying, "Rachael shouldn't be having kids since she doesn't take care of them."
No matter how hard I try, it isn't good enough. Everyone talks shit about me behind my back. No one cares what I'm dealing with or going through.
1. Abrahams center of Life Adoption, surrogacy, embryo & egg donor agency
- 24 hour help line
- housing & medical
2. An Act of Love Adoptions
- Free counseling
- Medical
- Housing
- Transportation
3. A Birth Mothers Choice
- www.ABMCHOICE.ORG
Friday, January 21, 2011
Whatever.
I feel so lazy today. I woke up at like 9:30 then laid there. Then fell back asleep an hour later till 12. Anyways, last night Mark was joking around with me but it hurt. Today is his birthday and last night I had a lot on my mind. Not when midnight was.
Caroline called 5 mins after and was like HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you. Blah blah.
Then Mark said, "I can't believe Caroline said happy B-day before you did".
"She would have kissed me at midnight."
"She used to come over... jk"
I'm like, "Um, ok, then go be with her?" Like wtf. Way to make me feel shitty. W.e. I left. I hate it. Whatever.
Caroline called 5 mins after and was like HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I love you. Blah blah.
Then Mark said, "I can't believe Caroline said happy B-day before you did".
"She would have kissed me at midnight."
"She used to come over... jk"
I'm like, "Um, ok, then go be with her?" Like wtf. Way to make me feel shitty. W.e. I left. I hate it. Whatever.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
End of friendship
Today was a weird roller coaster of ups and down's of my moods. Ok. Fine. Depressed. Who cares. Depressed. Ok. Happy. I hate it. I want to feel normal.
Well, Mark was in a meeting in Conn all day. He texted me when he got home. He wanted me to go over after cards but I think he fell asleep and it's okay cuz for once, I don't really want to go out.
On another note, I have to stop being friends with Tay, my best friend of like 7 years. She betrayed me. For years I was in love with her and she swore she was 100% straight. Now that Travis is a girl is a girl she's "open minded" ? wtf. She also had Lisa ditch Moe after Lisa supposedly came here for Moe, only to like choose Tay. Lovely. What a great mess I'm in the middle of. Pathetic. Now I'm gonna fill the rest of these spaces because Lailah is telling me to! <3
Well, Mark was in a meeting in Conn all day. He texted me when he got home. He wanted me to go over after cards but I think he fell asleep and it's okay cuz for once, I don't really want to go out.
On another note, I have to stop being friends with Tay, my best friend of like 7 years. She betrayed me. For years I was in love with her and she swore she was 100% straight. Now that Travis is a girl is a girl she's "open minded" ? wtf. She also had Lisa ditch Moe after Lisa supposedly came here for Moe, only to like choose Tay. Lovely. What a great mess I'm in the middle of. Pathetic. Now I'm gonna fill the rest of these spaces because Lailah is telling me to! <3
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Why does this keep me sane?
Why does this keep me going? Why does it keep me sane?
I'm not completely sad anymore. I get depressed still but I can cope better.
This Mark thing. Why?
Lailah shows me love, why isn't that enough? Why do I feel need this, more?
I love being with Mark. Cuddling, watchin movies, kissing, holding hands, sex, all of it. Why does he have me over every night even though he has work at 7am? Why does he make the efford to comfort me when I'm upset? Why is he still there when I push him away?
I love it. I crave it. I want it.
I'm not completely sad anymore. I get depressed still but I can cope better.
This Mark thing. Why?
Lailah shows me love, why isn't that enough? Why do I feel need this, more?
I love being with Mark. Cuddling, watchin movies, kissing, holding hands, sex, all of it. Why does he have me over every night even though he has work at 7am? Why does he make the efford to comfort me when I'm upset? Why is he still there when I push him away?
I love it. I crave it. I want it.
Monday, January 17, 2011
I'm treated more unfairly than Moe/ Mark's effort
My sister is such a bitch and she always gets her own way. It's not fair. Then again, what is fair?
I'm so sick of this. It's pathetic. Idk why I'm still here dealing with this BS.
Moe
Dropped out
never got beaten
got time with parents
had one job
got fired
got GED
mom pays cell
own room
new clothing
queen sized bed
best friends
never alone
Myself
Graduated HS
did get beaten
got time with hospital staff
have had 7 jobs
she got ME fired
went to college
paid own cell at 16 yo
never had my own room
pays for own clothing
no bed/ uses brothers
one friend
alone
16 hours later
Yesterday (this early morning really) kindah really hurt me. I felt betrayed by Moe and Taylor. My sister and my best friend.
They found out "Travis" is actually a girl, after 5 years. This girl messed up my relationships with both for 5 years. And everyone not only mentioned he was a she but also that she was coming to stay at my house for the week. wtf.
On the upside Mark and I seem good, yesterday after poker he came over for a bit and actually talked to Lailah. I mean, he's not experienced with kids or anything, but maybe he will learn. Here's to hoping and wishing he will.
At least he's making an effort.
I'm so sick of this. It's pathetic. Idk why I'm still here dealing with this BS.
Moe
Dropped out
never got beaten
got time with parents
had one job
got fired
got GED
mom pays cell
own room
new clothing
queen sized bed
best friends
never alone
Myself
Graduated HS
did get beaten
got time with hospital staff
have had 7 jobs
she got ME fired
went to college
paid own cell at 16 yo
never had my own room
pays for own clothing
no bed/ uses brothers
one friend
alone
16 hours later
Yesterday (this early morning really) kindah really hurt me. I felt betrayed by Moe and Taylor. My sister and my best friend.
They found out "Travis" is actually a girl, after 5 years. This girl messed up my relationships with both for 5 years. And everyone not only mentioned he was a she but also that she was coming to stay at my house for the week. wtf.
On the upside Mark and I seem good, yesterday after poker he came over for a bit and actually talked to Lailah. I mean, he's not experienced with kids or anything, but maybe he will learn. Here's to hoping and wishing he will.
At least he's making an effort.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
What do I mean?!
I'm feeling okay. Annoyed, pissed off.
I feel like I'm a game being played sometimes.
No call. No text.
wtf do I mean?
Whatever.
Now I start ignoring him again, unless he calls tonight
Which I doubt.
Now I'm gonna read to Lailah, put her to sleep and then read my book til I sleep.
Night
And of course he would call 5 mins later.
Now let's see if he texts me tomorrow before 1 pm.
I feel like I'm a game being played sometimes.
No call. No text.
wtf do I mean?
Whatever.
Now I start ignoring him again, unless he calls tonight
Which I doubt.
Now I'm gonna read to Lailah, put her to sleep and then read my book til I sleep.
Night
And of course he would call 5 mins later.
Now let's see if he texts me tomorrow before 1 pm.
Friday, January 14, 2011
I'm weak.
Guess what? Last night I stayed at Mark's house. Lai is at her grandparents house. I miss her. I can't wait til she comes home later. Anyways. Yeah, I know, I'm weak and he got his own way. But I'm falling for him. I don't think he'll hurt me. I been hurt worse before. Maybe the delicious food is worth the after pain. Maybe he won't be poison. But I'll never know if I don't try. I'm crazy about him. I'll just wait it out I guess, or try to. Maybe the less time I spend with him the easier it'll be. I think he likes me but he's scared and confused because of my kids. If he plays me cuz I'm pregnant and hurts me, I will tell EVERYONE he knows, EVERYTHING! Cuz I'm a bitch like that.
Karma. I'ma fan.
I'm an obsessive person. When I can't stop thinking about someone or something, there's nothing I can do. Right now, it's Mark.
I'm going nuts and it's annoying me. He was supposed to text me. But didn't. I texted him. He said he was in a meeting. Okay, then at 10 he said he was just getting out. So then I said call me when you get home? And no answer. Wtf?
Ugh!
Karma. I'ma fan.
I'm an obsessive person. When I can't stop thinking about someone or something, there's nothing I can do. Right now, it's Mark.
I'm going nuts and it's annoying me. He was supposed to text me. But didn't. I texted him. He said he was in a meeting. Okay, then at 10 he said he was just getting out. So then I said call me when you get home? And no answer. Wtf?
Ugh!
Okay day..
I don't really remember last night. I remember Lailah stayed up late with me. We took a bath then she put cream on my belly. What a good big sister!
Then we read a story book and wen to bed.
Today has been okay. Today Moe was talking to the baby and he was moving like crazy! I couldn't stop laughing. I hope today stays good.
Then we read a story book and wen to bed.
Today has been okay. Today Moe was talking to the baby and he was moving like crazy! I couldn't stop laughing. I hope today stays good.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Restart a friendship with Scott?
Today I feel numbed. I want to go out with a friend, like Tay or Ashley but I don't want to talk to a guy anymore.
Part of me wants to talk to Mark but I know that won't happen. Another part of me wants to talk to Scott but apparently he can't keep his word. He said he'd text me when he woke up. I doubt he's been asleep since 3am til now.
I'd rather feel this than the depression but I'm afraid those feelings will be back tonight like usual. Last night I was texting Scott and I guess were gonna try to get our friendship back. If we can, we'll get a house down there and I'll leave here. But my top goals are school for now and getting a car.
Part of me wants to talk to Mark but I know that won't happen. Another part of me wants to talk to Scott but apparently he can't keep his word. He said he'd text me when he woke up. I doubt he's been asleep since 3am til now.
I'd rather feel this than the depression but I'm afraid those feelings will be back tonight like usual. Last night I was texting Scott and I guess were gonna try to get our friendship back. If we can, we'll get a house down there and I'll leave here. But my top goals are school for now and getting a car.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I just want to be loved.
I feel sad. And I shouldn't. Lailah has waned me all day, she's been by my side, I played board games with my family. Yet I'm still sad.
Depressed.
I feel like I don't want to be here.
I just want to break down and cry.
I feel alone.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I feel like I'd rather feel nothing than this pain.
I want a friend.
A real friend.
Someone I can trust and love.
Someone who wants to see me happy and I want to see them happy.
I would do so much for my "friends" but they'd do nothing for me.
No one cares.
No one loves.
I guess I just want what I feel I've never truly had only have tasted and want more of.
I always think something must be wrong with me, but I can't find it.
I'm pretty.
I'm smart.
I'm a great mom.
I'm a great friend.
I have a good personality.
I'm fun.
I'm loving and caring.
I'm just trapped.
I'm stuck here and I have kids. Two no no's for people.
Ugh I miss Mark.
Depression, depression.
I know I keep dreading it but idk how to make my thoughts stop or control my feelings.
I keep thinking about Mark and the baby. I keep trying to believe I know I did right by stopping talking to Mark but then why does the right choice feel so shitty and the wrong choice would feel so right.
Those choices being to stop talking to him or not.
But he made the choices that he didn't want a relationship with me cuz of my kids. He just wanted to continue seeing me.
And I'm already feeling hurt by stopping of seeing him.
I'm miserable.
I want love.
Depressed.
I feel like I don't want to be here.
I just want to break down and cry.
I feel alone.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I feel like I'd rather feel nothing than this pain.
I want a friend.
A real friend.
Someone I can trust and love.
Someone who wants to see me happy and I want to see them happy.
I would do so much for my "friends" but they'd do nothing for me.
No one cares.
No one loves.
I guess I just want what I feel I've never truly had only have tasted and want more of.
I always think something must be wrong with me, but I can't find it.
I'm pretty.
I'm smart.
I'm a great mom.
I'm a great friend.
I have a good personality.
I'm fun.
I'm loving and caring.
I'm just trapped.
I'm stuck here and I have kids. Two no no's for people.
Ugh I miss Mark.
Depression, depression.
I know I keep dreading it but idk how to make my thoughts stop or control my feelings.
I keep thinking about Mark and the baby. I keep trying to believe I know I did right by stopping talking to Mark but then why does the right choice feel so shitty and the wrong choice would feel so right.
Those choices being to stop talking to him or not.
But he made the choices that he didn't want a relationship with me cuz of my kids. He just wanted to continue seeing me.
And I'm already feeling hurt by stopping of seeing him.
I'm miserable.
I want love.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Boy baby names
Boy names
Aubrey - Elfin king
Beau - handsome
Eden - Delight
Everett, Averett - Strong as boar
Ian - God is forgiving
Kamden - unsure
Declan - Full of goodness
Liam - Will, desire, protection
Wyatt - Brave, strong
Lenox - With many elm trees
Xander - short of Alexander
Quinn - Wise
Caelin - Powerful warrior
Kaelan - slender, fair
Deklyn Everett
Kamdryn Beau
Side note - August 16, 2011
I would have named him
Destin Edone (pronounced Eden)
Destined One.
Aubrey - Elfin king
Beau - handsome
Eden - Delight
Everett, Averett - Strong as boar
Ian - God is forgiving
Kamden - unsure
Declan - Full of goodness
Liam - Will, desire, protection
Wyatt - Brave, strong
Lenox - With many elm trees
Xander - short of Alexander
Quinn - Wise
Caelin - Powerful warrior
Kaelan - slender, fair
Deklyn Everett
Kamdryn Beau
Side note - August 16, 2011
I would have named him
Destin Edone (pronounced Eden)
Destined One.
Not the prince - poem
I looked outside the tower and I thought you were my prince.
You were charming, handsome, and swore you could fight!
You entered the tower to get me from the tip.
But you weren't prince charming ,
you sucked at Black Opts.
You were just a coward you couldn't rescue a damsel in distress.
Too many dragons in my tower, you forgot your armor!
You were charming, handsome, and swore you could fight!
You entered the tower to get me from the tip.
But you weren't prince charming ,
you sucked at Black Opts.
You were just a coward you couldn't rescue a damsel in distress.
Too many dragons in my tower, you forgot your armor!
Dreaming on wishes
Every day I try to push myself forward, telling myself, "It'll get better, things will look up." But when I'm depressed I find I have no one to be there for me. No one to hold me while I cry and to try to help me with a solution. I find I have no one who cares enough to be here for me when I need them the most. That a bunch of people would go to my funeral and they'd all be liars. That even if they knew, not one of them would have been there when I needed someone the most, knowing each and every one of them there could have prevented the reason they're all there.
But they're all fake.
I'm petrified. I feel so alone. How will I go to school, work, dance, and care for a newborn and a 3year old?
But then how will I deal with waking up every 3 hours without my son there?
How will I deal with pumping every 2 hours without a aby to feed it to? How will I deal with a year - two years from now at a playground or McDonald's or mall and I see a baby boy who looks just like Lailah or Steve and wonder. I wonder if he is really mine?
I wonder if he talks or has certain personality traits that I do?
I'm due May 26th. My family is going on a cruise without me in June. The first week. I'm scared of being alone.
But I feel that's all I ever am. Everyone wants me to lie, to continue. But why? They aren't the ones miserable, scared, lonely, and loveless.
I want to feel loyalty, honesty, love, the unconditional kind. I want to feel appreciated, cared about. But I feel like I never will.
I'm dreaming on wishes that are beyond expected.
I just called a suicide prevention number
She asked if I needed medical attention.
I said no, or I wouldn't call at all.
She said, well then I can't help you.
WTF?!
She said call this other number. I said, I did and they're busy.
She said, then you just need to wait.
What else can I do, I have nobody!
But they're all fake.
I'm petrified. I feel so alone. How will I go to school, work, dance, and care for a newborn and a 3year old?
But then how will I deal with waking up every 3 hours without my son there?
How will I deal with pumping every 2 hours without a aby to feed it to? How will I deal with a year - two years from now at a playground or McDonald's or mall and I see a baby boy who looks just like Lailah or Steve and wonder. I wonder if he is really mine?
I wonder if he talks or has certain personality traits that I do?
I'm due May 26th. My family is going on a cruise without me in June. The first week. I'm scared of being alone.
But I feel that's all I ever am. Everyone wants me to lie, to continue. But why? They aren't the ones miserable, scared, lonely, and loveless.
I want to feel loyalty, honesty, love, the unconditional kind. I want to feel appreciated, cared about. But I feel like I never will.
I'm dreaming on wishes that are beyond expected.
I just called a suicide prevention number
She asked if I needed medical attention.
I said no, or I wouldn't call at all.
She said, well then I can't help you.
WTF?!
She said call this other number. I said, I did and they're busy.
She said, then you just need to wait.
What else can I do, I have nobody!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Sketchy
I suck at life. I'm still talking to Mark. Yesterday I went to poker and met him there. He got jealous that on break Adam was talking to me. He always says he is joking but I know he means it too. Then Mark left and got a ride with Megan which really bothered me. After like, causing a scene at poker about me texting me sister.
I guess trying to show Adam that he's talking to me. But then I got pissed because when he left with Megan he didn't call/text/or answer me for 3 hours!
Mad sketchy.
Then he texted me saying he fell asleep and that I'm cute when I worry.
>.<
Then we talked on the phone and he was like, I don't want you to be mad, sorry for being sketchy.
I guess trying to show Adam that he's talking to me. But then I got pissed because when he left with Megan he didn't call/text/or answer me for 3 hours!
Mad sketchy.
Then he texted me saying he fell asleep and that I'm cute when I worry.
>.<
Then we talked on the phone and he was like, I don't want you to be mad, sorry for being sketchy.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Why do I let this happen?
I just got back from Mark's an hour or so ago. I left when he fell asleep. Why?
Because I can't do it anymore. I hold zero trust for anyone anymore.
Strike 1
He didn't want a "relationship" with a girl with two kids.
Then he just didn't want a relationship at all but wanted to continue seeing me.
He didn't want the responsibility of having to act like a boyfriend but he expected me to act like a girlfriend.
No way.
Drive to his house, always go see him, drive to go get him, etc. No, I won't anymore.
Strike 2
I found a piece of long curly black hair in his bed. Clearly, not mine or his.
A. He had a girl over - but A doesn't seem likely since his mom commented on me being over, so
B. The hair got on him and into his bed.
Carolyn and Megan both have black hair.
Strike 3
He was texting Carolyn about bringing her to his parent's streak house for dinner.
That's all I have to say.
I'd ask, why does this always happen to me? But I know the answer.
Because I let it.
Then ask, Why do I let it? And I know that too.
Because I want love. From one person, I want love. I want someone who will never judge me or hurt me. Someone who will have faith in me, fight for me, and never leave me.
That's why.
Because I can't do it anymore. I hold zero trust for anyone anymore.
Strike 1
He didn't want a "relationship" with a girl with two kids.
Then he just didn't want a relationship at all but wanted to continue seeing me.
He didn't want the responsibility of having to act like a boyfriend but he expected me to act like a girlfriend.
No way.
Drive to his house, always go see him, drive to go get him, etc. No, I won't anymore.
Strike 2
I found a piece of long curly black hair in his bed. Clearly, not mine or his.
A. He had a girl over - but A doesn't seem likely since his mom commented on me being over, so
B. The hair got on him and into his bed.
Carolyn and Megan both have black hair.
Strike 3
He was texting Carolyn about bringing her to his parent's streak house for dinner.
That's all I have to say.
I'd ask, why does this always happen to me? But I know the answer.
Because I let it.
Then ask, Why do I let it? And I know that too.
Because I want love. From one person, I want love. I want someone who will never judge me or hurt me. Someone who will have faith in me, fight for me, and never leave me.
That's why.
Friday, January 7, 2011
What does he want?
I'm upset that I haven't gotten my ultrasound photos. It's been almost a week and I haven't gotten them because the machine was broken.
Unfair.
I keep getting crazy Deja Vu. Like I've already lived periods of time before. Like I've gone back through a time warp. Like I know I've already done all of this. And I don' know why it keeps happening. But it's a bit creepy.
Every day, I try to push Mark away. I don't know what he wants from me. I'm having another baby in a few months. I feel like he deserves much better than me. He's district manager in his company, he owns his own office. He's a great guy. But I wonder what he wants with me. He tells me he likes me. But he doesn't want a relationship. Especially with a girl with two kids. Then why does he continue seeing me?
Answer: Cuz he likes me.
But that's not a great answer.
Why does he still call me even if I'm mean and say I'm gonna stop seeing him?
Why does he always want me over, every night?
Why does he like to cuddle with me and kiss me?
If I didn't have kids, would he want me?
Unfair.
I keep getting crazy Deja Vu. Like I've already lived periods of time before. Like I've gone back through a time warp. Like I know I've already done all of this. And I don' know why it keeps happening. But it's a bit creepy.
Every day, I try to push Mark away. I don't know what he wants from me. I'm having another baby in a few months. I feel like he deserves much better than me. He's district manager in his company, he owns his own office. He's a great guy. But I wonder what he wants with me. He tells me he likes me. But he doesn't want a relationship. Especially with a girl with two kids. Then why does he continue seeing me?
Answer: Cuz he likes me.
But that's not a great answer.
Why does he still call me even if I'm mean and say I'm gonna stop seeing him?
Why does he always want me over, every night?
Why does he like to cuddle with me and kiss me?
If I didn't have kids, would he want me?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Adoption
Adoption
- My mom makes me hate myself.
- I have no job.
- I have no car.
- I'm trapped.
I don't want to give my baby away, my son. But how can I keep him? Struggling my whole life.
I can't decide.
Why am I alone?
- My mom makes me hate myself.
- I have no job.
- I have no car.
- I'm trapped.
I don't want to give my baby away, my son. But how can I keep him? Struggling my whole life.
I can't decide.
Why am I alone?
I don't want to feel worthless anymore
Today I am 30 weeks pregnant. I'm crying my eyes out. I can't do any of this anymore. I hate being here. Everything sucks.
My mom makes me feel like shit. I just want to get out of here. I want to feel like I'm not worthless or pathetic. I want to feel loved for once in my life. I want t matter to someone. Why can't my family love me like other families do? Why do I feel so alone in a world full of people? There's so much beauty out there in the world and I feel trapped. I'm sick of feeling like I'm stuck under a rock and dealing with each season.
I have no one here for me.
How do I get this rock off of me?
I'm not strong enough.
I've been strong enough to survive under this rock, to withstand storms and temperature changes but I'm not strong enough to get it off.
Someone save me please !
Normally people start off in life with clear skies and travel group and if the lose their group they have a survival kit.
Difference is my group is right here watching as I suffer. Mocking me. Telling me how pathetic I am, that I can't get out. How worthless I am since I'm stuck. I do all that I can but there's no way out. I just want to die and end this misery, to be one less pathetic mouth to feed in this travel group. I'm going nowhere and neither are they, until I show them the light.
I just want today to end. I'm laying in my bed crying. If I leave my room, I'll have to deal wit my moms bitchy attitude. I can't do it anymore.
I'm jealous of others. How much their parents help them, love them, are there for them. I just wish I felt the same love. All my friends grew up with their own room. Most parents either gave my friends rides to a job until they could afford a car or they gave them one. I feel like I'm on my own. Like I'm shot and walking to an emergency hospital as everyone else around me watches.
In life, I tend to look for a life partner, for someone to love me unconditionally, to be there for me when I feel down; I figure, out of billions of people, at least one person in life might love me, right? People call me a whore, a slut, they say I sleep around. But I don't care because even if the guy I'm with doesn't love me or they're using me, they show me a feeling I only feel with them. They give me attention. They show me worth. They hold my hand, run their hand through my hair, they stare into my eyes, they make me smile and laugh.
Right now I'm seeing Mark.
He's smart and funny, sarcastic.
He makes me feel of some importance. When I'm with him I feel like a person. I feel like I can be who I am. He watches Prison Break with me every night. He holds my hand and jokes with me. He sings with me in the car. He makes me feel that my silliness is okay. At poker he'll grab my leg or run his fingers down mine, he will mess up my hair and kiss me on my cheek. He gives me butterflies and takes my breath away. But he doesn't know what he does to me.
People talk, they judge me.
But this is one area I don't listen because it's the only person who makes me feel that way.
My mom makes me feel like shit. I just want to get out of here. I want to feel like I'm not worthless or pathetic. I want to feel loved for once in my life. I want t matter to someone. Why can't my family love me like other families do? Why do I feel so alone in a world full of people? There's so much beauty out there in the world and I feel trapped. I'm sick of feeling like I'm stuck under a rock and dealing with each season.
I have no one here for me.
How do I get this rock off of me?
I'm not strong enough.
I've been strong enough to survive under this rock, to withstand storms and temperature changes but I'm not strong enough to get it off.
Someone save me please !
Normally people start off in life with clear skies and travel group and if the lose their group they have a survival kit.
Difference is my group is right here watching as I suffer. Mocking me. Telling me how pathetic I am, that I can't get out. How worthless I am since I'm stuck. I do all that I can but there's no way out. I just want to die and end this misery, to be one less pathetic mouth to feed in this travel group. I'm going nowhere and neither are they, until I show them the light.
I just want today to end. I'm laying in my bed crying. If I leave my room, I'll have to deal wit my moms bitchy attitude. I can't do it anymore.
I'm jealous of others. How much their parents help them, love them, are there for them. I just wish I felt the same love. All my friends grew up with their own room. Most parents either gave my friends rides to a job until they could afford a car or they gave them one. I feel like I'm on my own. Like I'm shot and walking to an emergency hospital as everyone else around me watches.
In life, I tend to look for a life partner, for someone to love me unconditionally, to be there for me when I feel down; I figure, out of billions of people, at least one person in life might love me, right? People call me a whore, a slut, they say I sleep around. But I don't care because even if the guy I'm with doesn't love me or they're using me, they show me a feeling I only feel with them. They give me attention. They show me worth. They hold my hand, run their hand through my hair, they stare into my eyes, they make me smile and laugh.
Right now I'm seeing Mark.
He's smart and funny, sarcastic.
He makes me feel of some importance. When I'm with him I feel like a person. I feel like I can be who I am. He watches Prison Break with me every night. He holds my hand and jokes with me. He sings with me in the car. He makes me feel that my silliness is okay. At poker he'll grab my leg or run his fingers down mine, he will mess up my hair and kiss me on my cheek. He gives me butterflies and takes my breath away. But he doesn't know what he does to me.
People talk, they judge me.
But this is one area I don't listen because it's the only person who makes me feel that way.
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