Why can things never work out as planned? It has to be one thing after the other, and it's never good things. I thought a couple weeks ago that everything was looking up, good things were falling into place, but I guess I was wrong.
After my wonderful u/s I ended up getting bhc all the time and having to go to ER. And after that interview - I never got contacted back. Every month my bank falls into the negatives and I get charged over $30 more for it and every month that money goes into my account it's less than the month before so then every month my bank falls deeper and deeper as well.
We have a baby coming and even though I want to be happy too much is making that feel impossible - also add into the fact I get flashback after flashback of Bennett's pregnancy, the placement, the after effects, and the nightmares.
Right now I just don't even FEEL like being happy. I feel like being happy takes a certain amount of energy which I don't even have and if I did have it I wouldn't want to use it all up in a short burst and then tumble back down to my pit of depression that I'm in tonight. I instinctively want to feel angry because I've always seemed to cover up my sadness, struggles, pain - etc, with anger and frustration. Not that it's been better that way but I don't feel as weak. Being pregnant makes me not want to be angry, mad, or frustrated though - it just makes me want to cry and cry and cry all the time. I could get angry and mad but it won't change anything and it also requires energy - at least without the tumbling back down afterwards though. I just want to cry and sleep forever to forget all of this. I feel it's a never ending battle that I will never get out of.
Sleep please.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Stupid mind - what ifs?
Today I went to breakfast at my favorite restaurant with my dad and Lai, yumyumyum.
We then went to my moms before meeting just about my whole immediate family and add ons (steps and what nots) at the beach. I love the beach but I had to leave because I have very very sensitive ears which truly hurt from the wind. But it was alright being there.
We then came home and I filled out the parental visitation agreement - since Scott "doesn't have the time" to. Basically he will get her every other weekend and every Weds from 4-7. Then I also worked out holidays and such. My mom made dinner for us all - ham, potatoes, and green beans. It was yumyumyum too.
Later on in the night I started getting mentally/emotionally worked up and just plain agitated. This baby is coming fast and I am worried out of my mind. I feel like I NEED this job - but what if I don't get it? What if I don't get a job at all? My dad wants me out of this house and I want out of this house. I need out of this house. Especially with the baby going to be here soon. But we just can't afford it right now. So then I start panicking - I CAN NOT and WILL NOT do adoption, EVER again. I emotionally and mentally would break down and I can't see myself coming back from it. I don't care if it's selfish of me to keep MY OWN CHILD. I don't care what anyone else thinks! But then what? The only other thing I can think of is some type of temporary custody but I am not close enough to anyone to do that. So then that means DCYF placing my child temporarily but what if then they take Lailah too? What if I have to deal with that the rest of my life? I feel like it's my adoption all over again.
Then on the other end of the spectrum there is - what if I DO get that job? What if I get that job and I start working full time and it proves to be too much to my already contracting body? What if I go into preterm labor and LOSE my baby or something happens to him/her for being born far too early? Would I be able to come out of that? I have no idea.
The best case scenario is I get this job and everything goes well with it and the pregnancy. We get an apartment and everything in order and it all works out well.
I'm stressed out, I'm scared, and I just want to be with my babies.
We then went to my moms before meeting just about my whole immediate family and add ons (steps and what nots) at the beach. I love the beach but I had to leave because I have very very sensitive ears which truly hurt from the wind. But it was alright being there.
We then came home and I filled out the parental visitation agreement - since Scott "doesn't have the time" to. Basically he will get her every other weekend and every Weds from 4-7. Then I also worked out holidays and such. My mom made dinner for us all - ham, potatoes, and green beans. It was yumyumyum too.
Later on in the night I started getting mentally/emotionally worked up and just plain agitated. This baby is coming fast and I am worried out of my mind. I feel like I NEED this job - but what if I don't get it? What if I don't get a job at all? My dad wants me out of this house and I want out of this house. I need out of this house. Especially with the baby going to be here soon. But we just can't afford it right now. So then I start panicking - I CAN NOT and WILL NOT do adoption, EVER again. I emotionally and mentally would break down and I can't see myself coming back from it. I don't care if it's selfish of me to keep MY OWN CHILD. I don't care what anyone else thinks! But then what? The only other thing I can think of is some type of temporary custody but I am not close enough to anyone to do that. So then that means DCYF placing my child temporarily but what if then they take Lailah too? What if I have to deal with that the rest of my life? I feel like it's my adoption all over again.
Then on the other end of the spectrum there is - what if I DO get that job? What if I get that job and I start working full time and it proves to be too much to my already contracting body? What if I go into preterm labor and LOSE my baby or something happens to him/her for being born far too early? Would I be able to come out of that? I have no idea.
The best case scenario is I get this job and everything goes well with it and the pregnancy. We get an apartment and everything in order and it all works out well.
I'm stressed out, I'm scared, and I just want to be with my babies.
Friday, July 26, 2013
A "Real father" rant.
Complete rant !
I just saw that Scott's mother posted a photo/icon which says,
"A real father takes care of his children without the law telling him he has to."
LOL !!
Scott didn't send child support or anything for the first 2-3 years of his daughters life and ONLY does because I called his commanding officer about him not helping out with his child - who then ordered military child support! Scott also abandoned us THREE TIMES in the span of 2.5 years! First when I was pregnant with us and he decided he wanted to be off with some other female, the second time when he dropped us off at an airport with nothing but a pair of tickets ! Knowing damn well the flight wasn't until 11pm, with no cash or card or any way to feed our 2 year old. The third time was when he left us in a hotel room and told me we had 2 days to leave and my father had to rent a car and drive down 17 hours to pick us up to take us home!!!!
He doesn't send her birthday presents or even a card! Last Christmas he spent 60 bucks on her and that was like pulling teeth! He normally doesn't send her anything for holidays at all!
He comes home once a year and only sees her maybe 3 times out of the time he is here and if I keep her he doesn't even ASK to see her, I have to call HIM, I have to text HIM, I have to initiate it. "Hey, so... are you going to come see your daughter?" "Hey, are you going to see her this weekend?"
Oh and since we are finally going through our divorce, I went to a lawyer. She told me we need to come up with a written schedule which we both agree on, for when we each will have her when he has some custody of her - since he is leaving the military. I called him and explained this to him. He said he was "too busy" to figure it out and that I should just do it. He must not care about when or if he gets his daughter, right? Am I wrong to assume that? If someone really wants something - they find the time, no?!?
Yet, she considers her son a "real father". Bullshit!
Justin is more of a "real father" to Lailah then Scott has ever been !! HE plays games with her, HE encourages good behavior, HE teaches her letters and numbers, HE listens to her, HE reads to her, HE jokes around with her, HE piggybacks her around or carries her on his shoulders, HE thinks of her and gets her little surprises like candy or icecream, HE laughs with her and enjoys being around her ! Is THAT not how a "real father" is? Is that not actually being a pretty damn good dad?
Ugh !
How I want to respond,
"You are SO right. A real father would send his child a birthday card at least. A real father would ask to see his daughter when he's home without having to be contacted first or at least call her via phone or even skype while he's away and she/he is with their mother. A real father wouldn't have a military enforced child support agreement set up by force by his commanding officer because he didn't help out at all for the first 3 years. And a real father certainly would not abandon his child and his/her mother in random places in states 17 hours away from home. But oh, that would mean that your son isn't a 'real father'. Well, fuck."
I just saw that Scott's mother posted a photo/icon which says,
"A real father takes care of his children without the law telling him he has to."
LOL !!
Scott didn't send child support or anything for the first 2-3 years of his daughters life and ONLY does because I called his commanding officer about him not helping out with his child - who then ordered military child support! Scott also abandoned us THREE TIMES in the span of 2.5 years! First when I was pregnant with us and he decided he wanted to be off with some other female, the second time when he dropped us off at an airport with nothing but a pair of tickets ! Knowing damn well the flight wasn't until 11pm, with no cash or card or any way to feed our 2 year old. The third time was when he left us in a hotel room and told me we had 2 days to leave and my father had to rent a car and drive down 17 hours to pick us up to take us home!!!!
He doesn't send her birthday presents or even a card! Last Christmas he spent 60 bucks on her and that was like pulling teeth! He normally doesn't send her anything for holidays at all!
He comes home once a year and only sees her maybe 3 times out of the time he is here and if I keep her he doesn't even ASK to see her, I have to call HIM, I have to text HIM, I have to initiate it. "Hey, so... are you going to come see your daughter?" "Hey, are you going to see her this weekend?"
Oh and since we are finally going through our divorce, I went to a lawyer. She told me we need to come up with a written schedule which we both agree on, for when we each will have her when he has some custody of her - since he is leaving the military. I called him and explained this to him. He said he was "too busy" to figure it out and that I should just do it. He must not care about when or if he gets his daughter, right? Am I wrong to assume that? If someone really wants something - they find the time, no?!?
Yet, she considers her son a "real father". Bullshit!
Justin is more of a "real father" to Lailah then Scott has ever been !! HE plays games with her, HE encourages good behavior, HE teaches her letters and numbers, HE listens to her, HE reads to her, HE jokes around with her, HE piggybacks her around or carries her on his shoulders, HE thinks of her and gets her little surprises like candy or icecream, HE laughs with her and enjoys being around her ! Is THAT not how a "real father" is? Is that not actually being a pretty damn good dad?
Ugh !
How I want to respond,
"You are SO right. A real father would send his child a birthday card at least. A real father would ask to see his daughter when he's home without having to be contacted first or at least call her via phone or even skype while he's away and she/he is with their mother. A real father wouldn't have a military enforced child support agreement set up by force by his commanding officer because he didn't help out at all for the first 3 years. And a real father certainly would not abandon his child and his/her mother in random places in states 17 hours away from home. But oh, that would mean that your son isn't a 'real father'. Well, fuck."
Imagine, hope, assume - forgive me?
Today I haven't done much of anything at all and I loved it, especially since my little girl is here. :) Never a boring moment with her here.
We woke up, ate, showered, did some kindergarten workbooks, watched a movie, then we took a nap. Now we are eating and waiting for Justin to get home. Pretty dull day but that's okay. :)
Just something on my mind - it really bothers me when firstmoms say "I know I did what was best for my child, I know s/he will have an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life!" And the answer in my head is - "You know nothing."
Being on the firstmom side of the adoption triad - we can't have any idea what it is like to grow up an adoptee, unless of course we were adopted ourselves.
I can imagine/hope/or even assume - that Bennett will have an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life but I would only be imagining/hoping/assuming for my own benefit - not his. I would be feeling that way to ease my own pain and guilt of placing him. I have NO idea how his life will be, how he will grow up, if his personality will fit in with his family, if he will or will not feel empty/incomplete/ or completely out of place. He went home with people who were strangers to him. People whose voices he never even heard before. A mother whose heartbeat he never knew to get comforted by. I can not just sit back and assume that any of that was easy for him or that he will simply forget. Assuming any of that again would only be trying to soothe myself from the choice I felt I had to make. He may grow up having everything he needs, getting good grades, getting along perfectly with his family, going to college and making something great of himself one day - and I truly, TRULY hope he does. But then again on the other side of things adoption can and usually DOES, whether we like it or not, affect adopted children. He may have all of that but still feel the empty/incomplete/ or out of place I previously described - and is that living a truly an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life?? I wouldn't think so. I would see that more as trying to pretend and ignoring his own pain from the separation he was forced to endure because of my choice. Whether I felt coerced or not doesn't matter. In the end, I was the one who wasn't strong enough to get on my feet and scream at the world "NO ! I will NOT let you do this to us! I will not let you separate us!" I was weak. I feel I should have been stronger for him, for his sister, and for myself. I should have figured something out. I signed those papers. It was my hand making its way across those pages. My hand, that ink, and those papers - signed his life away from who he truly was. And I want him to forgive me? Ha.
We woke up, ate, showered, did some kindergarten workbooks, watched a movie, then we took a nap. Now we are eating and waiting for Justin to get home. Pretty dull day but that's okay. :)
Just something on my mind - it really bothers me when firstmoms say "I know I did what was best for my child, I know s/he will have an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life!" And the answer in my head is - "You know nothing."
Being on the firstmom side of the adoption triad - we can't have any idea what it is like to grow up an adoptee, unless of course we were adopted ourselves.
I can imagine/hope/or even assume - that Bennett will have an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life but I would only be imagining/hoping/assuming for my own benefit - not his. I would be feeling that way to ease my own pain and guilt of placing him. I have NO idea how his life will be, how he will grow up, if his personality will fit in with his family, if he will or will not feel empty/incomplete/ or completely out of place. He went home with people who were strangers to him. People whose voices he never even heard before. A mother whose heartbeat he never knew to get comforted by. I can not just sit back and assume that any of that was easy for him or that he will simply forget. Assuming any of that again would only be trying to soothe myself from the choice I felt I had to make. He may grow up having everything he needs, getting good grades, getting along perfectly with his family, going to college and making something great of himself one day - and I truly, TRULY hope he does. But then again on the other side of things adoption can and usually DOES, whether we like it or not, affect adopted children. He may have all of that but still feel the empty/incomplete/ or out of place I previously described - and is that living a truly an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life?? I wouldn't think so. I would see that more as trying to pretend and ignoring his own pain from the separation he was forced to endure because of my choice. Whether I felt coerced or not doesn't matter. In the end, I was the one who wasn't strong enough to get on my feet and scream at the world "NO ! I will NOT let you do this to us! I will not let you separate us!" I was weak. I feel I should have been stronger for him, for his sister, and for myself. I should have figured something out. I signed those papers. It was my hand making its way across those pages. My hand, that ink, and those papers - signed his life away from who he truly was. And I want him to forgive me? Ha.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Action packed, emergency filled day!
Last night was a long night. I was getting braxton hicks contractions every 40mins - 1hr1/2. I was a bit worried about that.. I called the doctor and she said to just rest and take in fluids and that if I were in labor there is "nothing" they could do. That really bothered me because I know there are things they can do! Well later on that night going into morning I went to go into the shower like I do every night before bed. I peed, wiped well... stood, everything was fine, I walked over the the shower and opened the curtain when WHOOSH, this fluid came out all down my legs and even reached my feet! I panicked. I went to triage where I sat for 4 hours without being seen by anyone. Then a doctor came in and did some type of pap smear looking for pooling of fluid (which probably dried up within those 4 hours of waiting) and said she couldn't find anything. They said it seemed my water was still intact and they sent me home at 7am this morning. I came home, ate some food, then passed out cuddled up with my little Lailah.
I woke up with Justin around 1:30, he made Lai and I pancakes, then we headed to my moms. I watched the kids for her for a little while then came home to rest before physical therapy.
Physical therapy went okay - my hips seem to be getting a little better already. We mostly just worked on strengthening the surrounding muscles today. I think that last guy literally popping my hips into place last Tuesday did the trick!
On the last note of the day but certaining one of the most important - my little Lailah got her first double ear infection ! :( I had to take her to the walk-in clinic tonight. My poor little baby! I feel so bad, I know how bad ear pain sucks. I have to administer her Acetaminophen every 6 hours for fever and pain relief and the antibiotics 3x a day to kill the infection in her ears. :/ She is not liking this at all! The only good thing for me is lots and lots of cuddles with mommy. :) She's actually lying down and putting herself to bed early, that's when you know she really doesn't feel good! <3
I woke up with Justin around 1:30, he made Lai and I pancakes, then we headed to my moms. I watched the kids for her for a little while then came home to rest before physical therapy.
Physical therapy went okay - my hips seem to be getting a little better already. We mostly just worked on strengthening the surrounding muscles today. I think that last guy literally popping my hips into place last Tuesday did the trick!
On the last note of the day but certaining one of the most important - my little Lailah got her first double ear infection ! :( I had to take her to the walk-in clinic tonight. My poor little baby! I feel so bad, I know how bad ear pain sucks. I have to administer her Acetaminophen every 6 hours for fever and pain relief and the antibiotics 3x a day to kill the infection in her ears. :/ She is not liking this at all! The only good thing for me is lots and lots of cuddles with mommy. :) She's actually lying down and putting herself to bed early, that's when you know she really doesn't feel good! <3
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Can my dreams become reality?
This morning I was dreaming about that job. I dreamed that I got an email saying, "Dear Rachael, You've got the job!! This position is open for you, when can you start?!"
Geeze, I really want this job.
I have no idea what I have planned yet today - it's only 10:40 am and I am normally sleeping. I might hang out with my cousin April today after going to my moms to help her either watch the kids so she can take my brother to his senior pics or take my brother to his senior pics. I'll update later.
Okay so today I went to my moms to help her out again. She took my brother to get his Senior pictures done. The daycare time drove me nuts and I couldn't wait to get out of there and get home to take a nap. I'm not going to talk about it! I eventually came home and got Lai to take a nap with me. :) We just woke up and I feel like I'm in a much better mood than I was before. My cousin April yesterday said that we should hang out but I texted her and got nothing back in return so... whatever.
Earlier today driving to my moms I was thinking of this little one inside of me, which flashed me back to my last pregnancy with Bennett. Then obviously the flashbacks of the placement. I then felt very sad and angry. I thought of the guy who got me pregnant and I was mad. I was mad that it ever happened and I was mad that I'm the one who has to feel the pain everyday. I felt like I wanted him to feel this loss and this pain as well. I want him to miss him too - but that is obviously the very farthest thing from what will ever happen. A guy like that? A guy who did that to me? He doesn't give a fuck, not a single care in the world for anyone but himself - not even a little innocent child who he partially created whether I like it or not. Am I alone in feeling this way? I don't want to be the only one who misses him, thinks of him, feels all the pain and torment that I do due to the relinquishment. I didn't want to get pregnant but once I was I wanted him because I knew it wasn't his fault at all, he was innocent in all of it. It just wasn't fair and I feel robbed, none of it was fair.
I've been getting Braxton hicks since 15 weeks. I am now 19 weeks and recently at night I've been getting them pretty frequently - every 40 mins to 2 hours. I told my nurse and she said to keep timing them and make sure they don't get closer together.
I drink a lot of water so I don't believe that's what could be causing it. I do have my history of early labor and I'm really hoping this isn't the start. I'm kind of really worried.
Tonight I was timing them and this is where they were: 8:05, 8:51, 10:27, and 11:19.
I called the on-call doctor out of my concern and she called and said that even if I were in labor there would be 'nothing' they could do about it. So just relax and hope for the best... she said only be concerned if they're every 5-10 mins. I'm really not liking that answer and it really scares me !
I just want our baby to be okay. :/ I can not handle another loss. If I lose this baby I don't know what I will do. :(
Geeze, I really want this job.
I have no idea what I have planned yet today - it's only 10:40 am and I am normally sleeping. I might hang out with my cousin April today after going to my moms to help her either watch the kids so she can take my brother to his senior pics or take my brother to his senior pics. I'll update later.
Okay so today I went to my moms to help her out again. She took my brother to get his Senior pictures done. The daycare time drove me nuts and I couldn't wait to get out of there and get home to take a nap. I'm not going to talk about it! I eventually came home and got Lai to take a nap with me. :) We just woke up and I feel like I'm in a much better mood than I was before. My cousin April yesterday said that we should hang out but I texted her and got nothing back in return so... whatever.
Earlier today driving to my moms I was thinking of this little one inside of me, which flashed me back to my last pregnancy with Bennett. Then obviously the flashbacks of the placement. I then felt very sad and angry. I thought of the guy who got me pregnant and I was mad. I was mad that it ever happened and I was mad that I'm the one who has to feel the pain everyday. I felt like I wanted him to feel this loss and this pain as well. I want him to miss him too - but that is obviously the very farthest thing from what will ever happen. A guy like that? A guy who did that to me? He doesn't give a fuck, not a single care in the world for anyone but himself - not even a little innocent child who he partially created whether I like it or not. Am I alone in feeling this way? I don't want to be the only one who misses him, thinks of him, feels all the pain and torment that I do due to the relinquishment. I didn't want to get pregnant but once I was I wanted him because I knew it wasn't his fault at all, he was innocent in all of it. It just wasn't fair and I feel robbed, none of it was fair.
I've been getting Braxton hicks since 15 weeks. I am now 19 weeks and recently at night I've been getting them pretty frequently - every 40 mins to 2 hours. I told my nurse and she said to keep timing them and make sure they don't get closer together.
I drink a lot of water so I don't believe that's what could be causing it. I do have my history of early labor and I'm really hoping this isn't the start. I'm kind of really worried.
Tonight I was timing them and this is where they were: 8:05, 8:51, 10:27, and 11:19.
I called the on-call doctor out of my concern and she called and said that even if I were in labor there would be 'nothing' they could do about it. So just relax and hope for the best... she said only be concerned if they're every 5-10 mins. I'm really not liking that answer and it really scares me !
I just want our baby to be okay. :/ I can not handle another loss. If I lose this baby I don't know what I will do. :(
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Physically in pain, emotionally well.
Not much went on today. Justin had today off but I didn't really get to spend it with him much. We woke up and went to my appt where the nurse administered my injection. It was okay but the after effect (a few hours) was pretty bad and it really hurt. I also talked to her about these braxton hicks contractions that I've been getting every 40 mins to an hour. She seemed a little concerned and asked about my cervical mucus (CM). I told her how it's been different but no blood or color or anything. So she just told me to keep timing them and if they get closer or I get blood or color in my CM then to call them and maybe go to triage to make sure everything is okay. She said that baby moving is a really good sign ! :)
Then we went to my moms house (Justin, Lai, and I). We went over so I could help my mom out with some of her daycare kids. It went fine.. watched them, made them lunch, changed the baby, and put her down for a nap. Easy stuff.
My mom came back around 4pm and I had physical therapy coming up at 5:30. I then went home and took a short hour nap before going to physical therapy. This therapist said my hips keep going back to being unaligned and he actually popped my hips into place! Then we just worked on tightening the muscles in my back again.
I then came home :p then Justin Honey made us spaghetti ! Nomnomnom. lol ! It was yummy. After eating I helped Lailah practice writing her letters.
Now a quick shower, read Lai her bedtime story, then putting her down for bed.
To end the night I'm gonna watch something on Netflix with Justin before passing out ourselves.
Then we went to my moms house (Justin, Lai, and I). We went over so I could help my mom out with some of her daycare kids. It went fine.. watched them, made them lunch, changed the baby, and put her down for a nap. Easy stuff.
My mom came back around 4pm and I had physical therapy coming up at 5:30. I then went home and took a short hour nap before going to physical therapy. This therapist said my hips keep going back to being unaligned and he actually popped my hips into place! Then we just worked on tightening the muscles in my back again.
I then came home :p then Justin Honey made us spaghetti ! Nomnomnom. lol ! It was yummy. After eating I helped Lailah practice writing her letters.
Now a quick shower, read Lai her bedtime story, then putting her down for bed.
To end the night I'm gonna watch something on Netflix with Justin before passing out ourselves.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Feeling Stranded and out of place.
Today hasn't been great, but it's been okay.
I woke up with Lai and we went to my moms house. We had some french toast sticks (mmm my favorite !) Then I went with my mom to speak to another lawyer about the divorce.
Basically I was told that it will be cheaper if Scott and I can come to a holiday/visitation agreement. We need to get the show on the road and get this divorce processed or we will be in for a can or worms when the baby is born because in the state or RI, Scott would legally be the baby's father and he would have to petition paternity and whatever... from my understanding which is actually pretty little. But all I know is I need to get this finished and done with ASAP. So after leaving the lawyers office I called Scott to come up with a plan and could very easily tell that he was angry that I spoke to a lawyer. He was mostly angry that I want a legally enforceable contract when it comes to visitations and holidays. If I don't do this though - I'm the one who could get fucked over by him. I will do anything I need to do to make sure I can keep my daughter without fights and petty arguments about who is taking her when. We will have it all laid out for us, bada bing bada boom, no conflict ! Then if for whatever reason we aren't talking, we still have something to stand by for Lailah's sake. This will make sure I have Parental Possession of her and that for the most part she will be staying with me. Scott was angry and said he "didn't have time" to sit down and work something out. So he told me to do it and he will agree to it, okayyyyy. He tried getting me to talk to his lawyer and blah blah blah, No. I have my own lawyer and I know what I want to do ! Get over it.
After that meeting I went to a new councilor. I thought it would be good. I really need a new one because the one I've been with for years hasn't helped me at all. Bud has helped me more than she has and that should be saying a lot. Anyways.... I was basically told that I have "too many problems" and she can't help me... she said she handles a lot of things but that I have "too much going on" for her. So she recommended me to call some other places - she gave me 3 phone number referrals. It made me kind of sad really... I felt rejected and like I'm a 'problem'. Like, I'm too broken to work with in attempt to fix or make better. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way? Idk... but talking to her I sort of felt like a monster or something and that nobody will ever want to help me out along my life journey. It made me feel really sad and hurt. I've come a long way and I'm just asking for a little bit of assistance at this time and I feel like I will never get it and that's difficult. It makes me feel that I'm alone and I'm 'too different' or 'too ruined'. Does that make sense? :/
I've also got hit with missing my best friend recently.. I miss him a lot. I miss turning to my best friend and feeling understood and cared about. I know he's not the same anymore... but that really hurts. He's gone. He doesn't love me and he doesn't care about me. Silly me, always getting stuck in this stupid position. Always feeling that I matter only for it to fade away - and feel more like being 'ripped' away. I know that I have Justin and I love him SO much but it's not the same as having Tom.. Tom got ME whereas I get Justin. I miss that. I miss feeling understood and I miss being fully accepted. I miss someone knowing all the right words to say and being able to calm me when the whole world is against me, I have someone on my side - rooting for me and there to catch me. I miss that. But Rachael it's gone, it's not coming back. Just like Bennett it's not coming back ! Those relationships are like the mist... there and then gone, sucked up by the world around us. Nothing to do but wait around and see if the mist will just fade back in one day - but then there's the reality that it'll more than likely fade back into reality all over again. It'll leave me stranded with the weight of the world sitting on top of my shoulders threatening to crush me. Remind me why I form relationships at all again?
Well, that's all folks. Until next time readers !
I woke up with Lai and we went to my moms house. We had some french toast sticks (mmm my favorite !) Then I went with my mom to speak to another lawyer about the divorce.
Basically I was told that it will be cheaper if Scott and I can come to a holiday/visitation agreement. We need to get the show on the road and get this divorce processed or we will be in for a can or worms when the baby is born because in the state or RI, Scott would legally be the baby's father and he would have to petition paternity and whatever... from my understanding which is actually pretty little. But all I know is I need to get this finished and done with ASAP. So after leaving the lawyers office I called Scott to come up with a plan and could very easily tell that he was angry that I spoke to a lawyer. He was mostly angry that I want a legally enforceable contract when it comes to visitations and holidays. If I don't do this though - I'm the one who could get fucked over by him. I will do anything I need to do to make sure I can keep my daughter without fights and petty arguments about who is taking her when. We will have it all laid out for us, bada bing bada boom, no conflict ! Then if for whatever reason we aren't talking, we still have something to stand by for Lailah's sake. This will make sure I have Parental Possession of her and that for the most part she will be staying with me. Scott was angry and said he "didn't have time" to sit down and work something out. So he told me to do it and he will agree to it, okayyyyy. He tried getting me to talk to his lawyer and blah blah blah, No. I have my own lawyer and I know what I want to do ! Get over it.
After that meeting I went to a new councilor. I thought it would be good. I really need a new one because the one I've been with for years hasn't helped me at all. Bud has helped me more than she has and that should be saying a lot. Anyways.... I was basically told that I have "too many problems" and she can't help me... she said she handles a lot of things but that I have "too much going on" for her. So she recommended me to call some other places - she gave me 3 phone number referrals. It made me kind of sad really... I felt rejected and like I'm a 'problem'. Like, I'm too broken to work with in attempt to fix or make better. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way? Idk... but talking to her I sort of felt like a monster or something and that nobody will ever want to help me out along my life journey. It made me feel really sad and hurt. I've come a long way and I'm just asking for a little bit of assistance at this time and I feel like I will never get it and that's difficult. It makes me feel that I'm alone and I'm 'too different' or 'too ruined'. Does that make sense? :/
I've also got hit with missing my best friend recently.. I miss him a lot. I miss turning to my best friend and feeling understood and cared about. I know he's not the same anymore... but that really hurts. He's gone. He doesn't love me and he doesn't care about me. Silly me, always getting stuck in this stupid position. Always feeling that I matter only for it to fade away - and feel more like being 'ripped' away. I know that I have Justin and I love him SO much but it's not the same as having Tom.. Tom got ME whereas I get Justin. I miss that. I miss feeling understood and I miss being fully accepted. I miss someone knowing all the right words to say and being able to calm me when the whole world is against me, I have someone on my side - rooting for me and there to catch me. I miss that. But Rachael it's gone, it's not coming back. Just like Bennett it's not coming back ! Those relationships are like the mist... there and then gone, sucked up by the world around us. Nothing to do but wait around and see if the mist will just fade back in one day - but then there's the reality that it'll more than likely fade back into reality all over again. It'll leave me stranded with the weight of the world sitting on top of my shoulders threatening to crush me. Remind me why I form relationships at all again?
Well, that's all folks. Until next time readers !
Sunday, July 21, 2013
You're missing from me - along with day to day frustrations.
Last night I had a dream that Tom came to visit me, all the way from Pennsylvania. He was with a group of friends. He called me when he was only a street over telling me to go outside. I was angry at him though. You can't text or call me before now?! I told him I was going to a birthday party and I couldn't invite other people and I told him to go watch a movie or go bowling or something... Blah, I guess this just goes to show how much I miss my best friend and how angry I still happen to be at him.
We stopped talking 12 days ago now... almost two weeks. He hasn't attempted to call or text me, go figure. He just doesn't care about me anymore. Whatever... I should be used to being abandoned by people.
Anyways, today I went to my mothers and Scott was supposed to meet me there with Lailah at 2.. but when I got there, she was already there. It sort of ticked me off to be honest but I ignored it. Then later on Lailah's Memere called my moms phone.... why not ME? You know, Lailah's Mother?! I really got upset then. Lailah told me that Scott went back to his base... okay, but you couldn't call or text me so I would know what was going on? Apparently this morning one of Lailah's grandparents called my mother saying, "Oh we forgot to bring Lailah by, come pick her up at the house, one of her aunts is there watching her." WHY couldn't anyone call ME, HER MOTHER?! Why wasn't I the person notified of this so that I could go pick her up?! That makes me so angry ! I hate not knowing where MY child is due to ignorance on the behalf of others. Like, seriously?! Nobody had the thought pass through their heads that they should call ME? Ugh.
On another note.... I wrote this on my fb earlier:
Some days I really miss Bennett. And it sucks because there is nothing I can do about it. I am envious of open adoptions. Envious that some Birthmothers can just phone their child's aparents and get pictures/updates/video date/ or even a visit on the spot. I am jealous that they found people who are so loving and understanding of the Birthmothers and believe in their hearts that their children deserve to know both families and that it only creates more love. But here I am - I send a text (all I can do) and I get responded to when its convenient for them, if they feel like it. I don't know what my little boy is doing today. I don't know if his tears are being hugged away or his smiles getting smiles returned. I don't know what toys he likes to play with or what crayon he likes to color with. Whenever I ask questions like these though I'm just told how great of a parent she is over and over with my questions unanswered. I just wish I could know more about the baby I brought into this world - my son- and loved far before and longer than they ever could have.
We stopped talking 12 days ago now... almost two weeks. He hasn't attempted to call or text me, go figure. He just doesn't care about me anymore. Whatever... I should be used to being abandoned by people.
Anyways, today I went to my mothers and Scott was supposed to meet me there with Lailah at 2.. but when I got there, she was already there. It sort of ticked me off to be honest but I ignored it. Then later on Lailah's Memere called my moms phone.... why not ME? You know, Lailah's Mother?! I really got upset then. Lailah told me that Scott went back to his base... okay, but you couldn't call or text me so I would know what was going on? Apparently this morning one of Lailah's grandparents called my mother saying, "Oh we forgot to bring Lailah by, come pick her up at the house, one of her aunts is there watching her." WHY couldn't anyone call ME, HER MOTHER?! Why wasn't I the person notified of this so that I could go pick her up?! That makes me so angry ! I hate not knowing where MY child is due to ignorance on the behalf of others. Like, seriously?! Nobody had the thought pass through their heads that they should call ME? Ugh.
On another note.... I wrote this on my fb earlier:
Some days I really miss Bennett. And it sucks because there is nothing I can do about it. I am envious of open adoptions. Envious that some Birthmothers can just phone their child's aparents and get pictures/updates/video date/ or even a visit on the spot. I am jealous that they found people who are so loving and understanding of the Birthmothers and believe in their hearts that their children deserve to know both families and that it only creates more love. But here I am - I send a text (all I can do) and I get responded to when its convenient for them, if they feel like it. I don't know what my little boy is doing today. I don't know if his tears are being hugged away or his smiles getting smiles returned. I don't know what toys he likes to play with or what crayon he likes to color with. Whenever I ask questions like these though I'm just told how great of a parent she is over and over with my questions unanswered. I just wish I could know more about the baby I brought into this world - my son- and loved far before and longer than they ever could have.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Dear baby,
Dear baby,
There is so much to say and so little words to get across what is in my overflowing heart. Finding out that I was expecting you was a very welcome surprise. I am so happy that you found your way to me and that you will bless me to be your mother. You are so loved already by your daddy, your sister, and myself. Daddy loves to feel you kick every night and your big sister tries to get you to move all the time ! I think she already annoys you. :p
Before you I was hurting a lot and you gave me hope again. You helped me know that I am a good mother and I deserve to have you. You have no idea how happy I am that you are doing well and that I haven't lost you. In the beginning I was so afraid that I didn't deserve you and that you would be taken from me. But every little movement I know that you'll be in my arms one day and be another piece in our family. <3
I want you to know how thankful I am for you coming into our lives. Thank you for growing and staying strong. Thank you for the strong heartbeats and the even stronger kicks ! Thank you for always alerting me that you are there. Thank you for bringing me out of the depression I was in and letting me know I do deserve to be happy and I do deserve my children. I want to thank you for helping me heal. I also want to thank you for helping me know who is loyal in my life and who needed to go. You've helped me weed out my life from so much negativity.
I can wait for you to get here.. as long as you keep on kicking away and get those amazing hiccups sometime soon for me to feel ! But I will be over joyed the moment I get to hold you in my arms, staring at you and kissing you ! Daddy is going to have a hard time getting a hold of you. :p I just want to hold you and cuddle with you, feeling you against my chest and your tiny heart beating against my own. But stay put and keep your growing you !
We will always be here for you. Your daddy, sister, and myself. We are so happy that you are on your way to us. We can't wait to bring you to all your sisters favorite places because she's pretty convinced that they will be your favorite too ! She will be your best friend ! And I will always be here to listen to you both and guide you both through every obstacle in life. To be there through the good and the more difficult. I just really want to watch you grow everyday, take a bajillion pictures of you, and get many many pictures and memories with you and your amazing big sister !
<3 We are waiting for you. :) Our little precious one.
<3 Love Mommy and the rest of the gang. :p
Names we are considering -
Girls:
Felicity Belle
Evangeline Eira
Boys:
Caius
Arro
Gabriel
Thomas (middle maybe)
Judah
Alaric
Braxton
Dalian
Rowan
Milo
Greyson
Declan
There is so much to say and so little words to get across what is in my overflowing heart. Finding out that I was expecting you was a very welcome surprise. I am so happy that you found your way to me and that you will bless me to be your mother. You are so loved already by your daddy, your sister, and myself. Daddy loves to feel you kick every night and your big sister tries to get you to move all the time ! I think she already annoys you. :p
Before you I was hurting a lot and you gave me hope again. You helped me know that I am a good mother and I deserve to have you. You have no idea how happy I am that you are doing well and that I haven't lost you. In the beginning I was so afraid that I didn't deserve you and that you would be taken from me. But every little movement I know that you'll be in my arms one day and be another piece in our family. <3
I want you to know how thankful I am for you coming into our lives. Thank you for growing and staying strong. Thank you for the strong heartbeats and the even stronger kicks ! Thank you for always alerting me that you are there. Thank you for bringing me out of the depression I was in and letting me know I do deserve to be happy and I do deserve my children. I want to thank you for helping me heal. I also want to thank you for helping me know who is loyal in my life and who needed to go. You've helped me weed out my life from so much negativity.
I can wait for you to get here.. as long as you keep on kicking away and get those amazing hiccups sometime soon for me to feel ! But I will be over joyed the moment I get to hold you in my arms, staring at you and kissing you ! Daddy is going to have a hard time getting a hold of you. :p I just want to hold you and cuddle with you, feeling you against my chest and your tiny heart beating against my own. But stay put and keep your growing you !
We will always be here for you. Your daddy, sister, and myself. We are so happy that you are on your way to us. We can't wait to bring you to all your sisters favorite places because she's pretty convinced that they will be your favorite too ! She will be your best friend ! And I will always be here to listen to you both and guide you both through every obstacle in life. To be there through the good and the more difficult. I just really want to watch you grow everyday, take a bajillion pictures of you, and get many many pictures and memories with you and your amazing big sister !
<3 We are waiting for you. :) Our little precious one.
<3 Love Mommy and the rest of the gang. :p
Names we are considering -
Girls:
Felicity Belle
Evangeline Eira
Boys:
Caius
Arro
Gabriel
Thomas (middle maybe)
Judah
Alaric
Braxton
Dalian
Rowan
Milo
Greyson
Declan
Rising above judgment
"I sometimes don't like or even trust my own thoughts,
ideas, or judgments, I ignore them because I can't always trust them. So why am
I going to get so worked up over someone elses thoughts, ideas, or judgments?
It's not even worth my time."
I then let it pass.
Because think about it... you get a thought you dislike and
you shake your head, clear yourself of it, and move forward - or you sit and
you dread it and it does nothing but cause yourself pain and torment. You have
the choice to take whichever path you do.
We all, as humans, pass judgment. Whether on ourselves; or
one another. When we pass judgment on ourselves we are usually very critical
but we live with it or we solve it. Nobody else walks our journey or our path
and we don't walk theirs. We may see someone and pass judgment on them without
knowing their lives and for me personally my next thought is "I have no
idea what their walk in life is like for them and frankly - my judgments on
them don't matter since I can't even fix the judgments I hold on myself."
For many people it is easier to ignore their own judgments
on themselves and to pick everyone else apart. But that only means one thing :
They have a boatload of judgments inside of themselves that are building up
because they aren't handling themselves while they're too busy judging others.
Whoever passes judgment on you, has clearly never walked the
life path that you have or more than likely that I have. He or she can pass
judgment all he or she wants but remember - it's just a thought and many of his
or her own thoughts, ideas, judgments - I'm sure they don't even like half the
time. Because they are humans, just like us all.
The people who matter the most know and will stick by you.
The others, they don't matter. And I know, easier said than done... but we as
humans will always judge and be judged and rising above others judgments is all
we can do in life.
Can't even take it but I'm getting there.
I try and I try but I just can't.
Today I went to my moms house to help her out with her daycare and she did my laundry for me while I was there. She told me if I help her she will help me. Okay. It wasn't bad at first I hung out by the pool and brought the 1 yr old in the pool while watching the other ones. Then I watched 10 kids outside while my mom was inside. The kids go along nicely and I just watched to make sure everything went smoothly. After a while I decided to bring the kids back in the house. We came in and my mom put a movie on. Her husband was sitting on the couch playing some hand held video game - not even paying attention to the children, whatever. So I thought my mom could still use my help since she was in the kitchen. So this little boy Hayden was playing with this house and little people toys for a while when all of a sudden another little boy comes over and tries to push Hayden out of the way to play too and Hayden goes, "NO ! I'm playing here!" My moms husband still sat playing his game, ignoring the kids, so I spoke up and said, "It's okay Hayden, you can share, right?" and Hayden thought and goes, "Yeah." and hands a few toys over to the other little boy. Then out of nowhere my moms husband shouts, "You better share or you won't play with nothing !"
Like, what the fuck. I already took care of it and you were ignoring them playing your fucking video game, shut the fuck up dude.
So I walked out of the living room.
My mom told me that I looked tired and said that I could go home. I told her I wasn't tired that I just was frustrated because I had handled a situation and her husband felt the need to still make threats towards the kids. So she acted like she ignored me and I let it go.
A little while later she goes in the living room and confronts her husband in front of all the kids and he gets mad, says he doesn't know what I was referring to, shouts at her and storms out. Actually, first she let the 1 yr old out of the sleepy chair to run around and then he put her on the couch. The 1 yr old started screaming and so my mom was shouting from the kitchen "Who isn't letting her run around?!" So I went to check and her husband had put her on the couch. So I informed my mom that he had her on the couch. She went in to ask him why he wouldn't let her get down and play and he started screaming and shouting - then he got up and stormed out. - Mature 'man' huh?
So then my mom comes back in and I told her that I didn't say anything to cause a fight, I said something so that she knew why I wasn't still helping her out and came into the kitchen. So she says back to me that "Well, he has been helping me, I've been here alone and he's the only person helping me."
So I explained that I knew that but if she wanted my help then I would help but not if he's going to be creating more problems after I've solved something. I then explained the situation and what happened.
She just said back, "Well, they don't just listen like that for us. So we need to be more like how he was." And I said, "No, you just don't know how to properly talk to children and if you did, they would be more likely to listen."
So she came back at me with, "You think we are the only ones that talk to them like this ! We're not ! The other day his mother *points at a child* said to him, 'You better eat your food or I'll shove it down your throat.' in front of all the other kids, so it's fine !"
I just got up, got my stuff together and told Lailah we were leaving, all the while thinking to myself - 'So because their parents are disrespectful to them gives you reason to also? That's a pretty fucked up way of thinking.'
I just can't even deal with it. I can't believe I was raised around this shit. And I feel bad that all these parents have their kids over there with bickering and yelling adults.
I want to help out, I'm probably the only kind person those kids are around or talk to. But it stresses me out to be around that, it drives me nuts ! I want to be able to speak respectfully to children and explain better ways of handling situations and actions, and here are these two grown adults displaying nothing but the wrong ways to handle situations and actions.
I'm going to try again but once her husband rolls around, I'm gone. I have never liked him to begin with. Immature jackass in my opinion - that's what he is.
I've been home for a while now and I can't help but feel drained of positive energy. People wonder why I don't want to be around my mom but it seriously makes me depressed. It's as if it sucks all the good out of the air. I'm feeling sort of down and I don't really know why. Every time I feel down a core inside me always wants to blame my adoption. It can't be that every single time, I mean yeah - it may add to why I'm down but not the actual reason. Maybe it's because placing Bennett - it wasn't about me. It was about protecting him. And seeing other people abuse or mistreat their own kids or other peoples kids really unsettles me - why did you keep them then? Because you're selfish? Because you're ignorant? What is the reason for mistreating your little one who is still learning about the world? I wish I had my little boy to love and raise well, but I don't and he's being raised by other people. I can't know how he's being treated or the people he is around. They can tell me things but I can't KNOW firsthand or know from being able to witness it, you know? I know I am not healed from my adoption and I probably never will be. How does one heal from being separated from her child whom she loves so much? I don't believe one can.
I feel like crying. Maybe it has something to do with feeling so lonely... but then again it bothers me to be around people. I wish I had happy, positive, upbeat people in my life. But when I look around, I am severely lacking in that area. Justin is amazing but he works a lot.
Oh, and Tom hasn't talked to me since I told him I deleted his number... whatever.
Let's just keep hoping that I get this job so that I can get my own home with Justin and we can raise our children. My children and my love is all I really need in this world and I know, because I wish my mom had known that all she needed were her kids - but she never did. She's still not happy and I'm getting there - one day at a time, one step at a time, I'm getting there.
Today I went to my moms house to help her out with her daycare and she did my laundry for me while I was there. She told me if I help her she will help me. Okay. It wasn't bad at first I hung out by the pool and brought the 1 yr old in the pool while watching the other ones. Then I watched 10 kids outside while my mom was inside. The kids go along nicely and I just watched to make sure everything went smoothly. After a while I decided to bring the kids back in the house. We came in and my mom put a movie on. Her husband was sitting on the couch playing some hand held video game - not even paying attention to the children, whatever. So I thought my mom could still use my help since she was in the kitchen. So this little boy Hayden was playing with this house and little people toys for a while when all of a sudden another little boy comes over and tries to push Hayden out of the way to play too and Hayden goes, "NO ! I'm playing here!" My moms husband still sat playing his game, ignoring the kids, so I spoke up and said, "It's okay Hayden, you can share, right?" and Hayden thought and goes, "Yeah." and hands a few toys over to the other little boy. Then out of nowhere my moms husband shouts, "You better share or you won't play with nothing !"
Like, what the fuck. I already took care of it and you were ignoring them playing your fucking video game, shut the fuck up dude.
So I walked out of the living room.
My mom told me that I looked tired and said that I could go home. I told her I wasn't tired that I just was frustrated because I had handled a situation and her husband felt the need to still make threats towards the kids. So she acted like she ignored me and I let it go.
A little while later she goes in the living room and confronts her husband in front of all the kids and he gets mad, says he doesn't know what I was referring to, shouts at her and storms out. Actually, first she let the 1 yr old out of the sleepy chair to run around and then he put her on the couch. The 1 yr old started screaming and so my mom was shouting from the kitchen "Who isn't letting her run around?!" So I went to check and her husband had put her on the couch. So I informed my mom that he had her on the couch. She went in to ask him why he wouldn't let her get down and play and he started screaming and shouting - then he got up and stormed out. - Mature 'man' huh?
So then my mom comes back in and I told her that I didn't say anything to cause a fight, I said something so that she knew why I wasn't still helping her out and came into the kitchen. So she says back to me that "Well, he has been helping me, I've been here alone and he's the only person helping me."
So I explained that I knew that but if she wanted my help then I would help but not if he's going to be creating more problems after I've solved something. I then explained the situation and what happened.
She just said back, "Well, they don't just listen like that for us. So we need to be more like how he was." And I said, "No, you just don't know how to properly talk to children and if you did, they would be more likely to listen."
So she came back at me with, "You think we are the only ones that talk to them like this ! We're not ! The other day his mother *points at a child* said to him, 'You better eat your food or I'll shove it down your throat.' in front of all the other kids, so it's fine !"
I just got up, got my stuff together and told Lailah we were leaving, all the while thinking to myself - 'So because their parents are disrespectful to them gives you reason to also? That's a pretty fucked up way of thinking.'
I just can't even deal with it. I can't believe I was raised around this shit. And I feel bad that all these parents have their kids over there with bickering and yelling adults.
I want to help out, I'm probably the only kind person those kids are around or talk to. But it stresses me out to be around that, it drives me nuts ! I want to be able to speak respectfully to children and explain better ways of handling situations and actions, and here are these two grown adults displaying nothing but the wrong ways to handle situations and actions.
I'm going to try again but once her husband rolls around, I'm gone. I have never liked him to begin with. Immature jackass in my opinion - that's what he is.
I've been home for a while now and I can't help but feel drained of positive energy. People wonder why I don't want to be around my mom but it seriously makes me depressed. It's as if it sucks all the good out of the air. I'm feeling sort of down and I don't really know why. Every time I feel down a core inside me always wants to blame my adoption. It can't be that every single time, I mean yeah - it may add to why I'm down but not the actual reason. Maybe it's because placing Bennett - it wasn't about me. It was about protecting him. And seeing other people abuse or mistreat their own kids or other peoples kids really unsettles me - why did you keep them then? Because you're selfish? Because you're ignorant? What is the reason for mistreating your little one who is still learning about the world? I wish I had my little boy to love and raise well, but I don't and he's being raised by other people. I can't know how he's being treated or the people he is around. They can tell me things but I can't KNOW firsthand or know from being able to witness it, you know? I know I am not healed from my adoption and I probably never will be. How does one heal from being separated from her child whom she loves so much? I don't believe one can.
I feel like crying. Maybe it has something to do with feeling so lonely... but then again it bothers me to be around people. I wish I had happy, positive, upbeat people in my life. But when I look around, I am severely lacking in that area. Justin is amazing but he works a lot.
Oh, and Tom hasn't talked to me since I told him I deleted his number... whatever.
Let's just keep hoping that I get this job so that I can get my own home with Justin and we can raise our children. My children and my love is all I really need in this world and I know, because I wish my mom had known that all she needed were her kids - but she never did. She's still not happy and I'm getting there - one day at a time, one step at a time, I'm getting there.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Here's to Hoping for the Best.
I just got back from my interview at a childcare center. I had my interview with the director there. She seemed to have really liked me but who knows. I don't want to talk negatively or worry so this will probably be kept short. She asked me a lot of questions and I answered to the best of my ability. I didn't end up telling her about my pregnancy or anything because the owner is out of town/on vacation for a week - a week and a half and I didn't want that floating around in her head as to why I wouldn't make a good candidate for the position. I am very very interested in this position. Full benefits offered after 3 months and they want a 2 year commitment so it's stability ! I know that I'll be good for at least 2 years. I just hope that it pays well also.
At 2:15 I have a meeting with a lawyer my uncle knows who might be able to help me get this divorce out of the way from Scott... finally. He's not doing it so I guess I have to. If this doesn't work I guess I'll look into legal aid. Just got to keep taking life one day at a time.
-Update- I met with the lawyer and he wants $170 for the filing fee which is fine, but then he wants $500 down and then payments until I pay off $1200. I called my mother and she said that she had her entire divorce done for $500 without counting in the filing fees. So she's going to make me an appt with that lawyer hopefully and I'll sit down with her and see what she is asking and make sure that she was saying all the same things as the other lawyer I just spoke to. So, we'll see where I stand after that.
Then at 5:30 I have my Physical Therapy appt to go to again then every Tues and Thurs for the next month. See if it'll help my back out.
-Update- Just got back from my physical therapy. Apparently, my right hip is unaligned and rotated forward and my left hip is unaligned and rotated backwards causing problems for my sacrum in turn creating my lower back pain. So at physical therapy we are working on realigning my hips and strengthening the surrounding muscles to hold them in place.
Oh I also had a talk with my mother yesterday. She came by in her car and I went out and spoke to her. I told her that I want respect and that's what I need or else I don't want to be around her. So, we'll see how it goes this time and if it doesn't work out then I'll need to cut off from her for a while again. But I am hoping that that won't be the case and that I can be treated with respect. I know that she wants to be involved in her grandchildren's lives, so let's hope that is enough incentive.
At 2:15 I have a meeting with a lawyer my uncle knows who might be able to help me get this divorce out of the way from Scott... finally. He's not doing it so I guess I have to. If this doesn't work I guess I'll look into legal aid. Just got to keep taking life one day at a time.
-Update- I met with the lawyer and he wants $170 for the filing fee which is fine, but then he wants $500 down and then payments until I pay off $1200. I called my mother and she said that she had her entire divorce done for $500 without counting in the filing fees. So she's going to make me an appt with that lawyer hopefully and I'll sit down with her and see what she is asking and make sure that she was saying all the same things as the other lawyer I just spoke to. So, we'll see where I stand after that.
Then at 5:30 I have my Physical Therapy appt to go to again then every Tues and Thurs for the next month. See if it'll help my back out.
-Update- Just got back from my physical therapy. Apparently, my right hip is unaligned and rotated forward and my left hip is unaligned and rotated backwards causing problems for my sacrum in turn creating my lower back pain. So at physical therapy we are working on realigning my hips and strengthening the surrounding muscles to hold them in place.
Oh I also had a talk with my mother yesterday. She came by in her car and I went out and spoke to her. I told her that I want respect and that's what I need or else I don't want to be around her. So, we'll see how it goes this time and if it doesn't work out then I'll need to cut off from her for a while again. But I am hoping that that won't be the case and that I can be treated with respect. I know that she wants to be involved in her grandchildren's lives, so let's hope that is enough incentive.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Amazing day!
Today was super exciting ! I not only had the baby's level 2 anatomy U/s but I signed onto my email today and had a response back from a childcare center that I applied to ! The director asked me when I could meet with her, I gave her the choice of either tomorrow or Thursday and she chose tomorrow ! So tomorrow I have an interview there at 11am !! I am wishing the best !! I put together my cover letter, my resume, and the application. I hope it is a really awesome, good paying position - because they're asking for a 2 year commitment which I am more than happy to do if the price is right ! I'm going to keep trying to think the best thoughts I can.
As for the u/s it was amazing !! I am 17w6d and baby looked amazing !! They had a television screen on the wall in front of me which showed everything they were looking at. The tech was awesome and she explained everything we were looking at. We saw the hands, the arms, the legs, the little feetsies, the skull, the heart, a bunch of other internal organs which didn't really look like anything to me lol, and his or her face !!! It was even more amazing since baby was kicking and moving around everywhere LOL. The tech and doctor loved it. I love when people love their jobs ! We are Team Green - but the doctor gave us a sealed envelope with the baby's gender inside just in case ! It was so amazing, the whole thing was. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time.
I also had my 3rd progesterone shot this morning - I'm getting sort of used to it I guess - it's becoming more tolerable, not in TOO too much pain. That's quite a relief really.
Oh, and I also had a physical therapy appt for this lower back pain I have been experiencing.. and apparently it's caused from my right hip being over rotated forward. So now I am going 2x a week for the next month to see if I can realign it by physical therapy.We'll see.
As for the u/s it was amazing !! I am 17w6d and baby looked amazing !! They had a television screen on the wall in front of me which showed everything they were looking at. The tech was awesome and she explained everything we were looking at. We saw the hands, the arms, the legs, the little feetsies, the skull, the heart, a bunch of other internal organs which didn't really look like anything to me lol, and his or her face !!! It was even more amazing since baby was kicking and moving around everywhere LOL. The tech and doctor loved it. I love when people love their jobs ! We are Team Green - but the doctor gave us a sealed envelope with the baby's gender inside just in case ! It was so amazing, the whole thing was. I couldn't stop smiling the entire time.
I also had my 3rd progesterone shot this morning - I'm getting sort of used to it I guess - it's becoming more tolerable, not in TOO too much pain. That's quite a relief really.
Oh, and I also had a physical therapy appt for this lower back pain I have been experiencing.. and apparently it's caused from my right hip being over rotated forward. So now I am going 2x a week for the next month to see if I can realign it by physical therapy.We'll see.
Our little girl or boy <3 Another piece of perfection. :D
Monday, July 15, 2013
Baby appt 17w5d
I had a doctors appt today for baby. I'm 17w5d. Saw the midwife. She said the results of my cervical length u/s came back fine and that everything is looking good.
Baby's heartbeat was good but I feel it's sort of low - in the 130s. Although, I'm glad I have an u/s planned for tomorrow so that I know that baby is doing really well inside of me.
Baby was moving around a lot too - so maybe that has something to do with it? She had a hard time keeping up with him/her to keep a steady hold on the heartbeat.
Other than that I've gained 9lbs and she referred me to physical therapy for my back. Thank goodness.
So excited for tomorrows level 2 u/s I'll update after that. :)
Baby's heartbeat was good but I feel it's sort of low - in the 130s. Although, I'm glad I have an u/s planned for tomorrow so that I know that baby is doing really well inside of me.
Baby was moving around a lot too - so maybe that has something to do with it? She had a hard time keeping up with him/her to keep a steady hold on the heartbeat.
Other than that I've gained 9lbs and she referred me to physical therapy for my back. Thank goodness.
So excited for tomorrows level 2 u/s I'll update after that. :)
Dreaming of my little boy
I just woke up from this crazy dream.
My little Bennett was a baby... through a toddler (shifted back and forth) but he talked so much like a big boy.
His aparents agreed to come and pick me and for whatever reason my little brother up and take us to their house for a visit. I was beyond ecstatic. When they came to pick me up he was about the age he's at now - 2. Even though I know they would have him in one, he wasn't in a car seat. It made me very frightened, scared, and worried - but over all, angry. I remember trying to text or facebook my friend Tiffany to tell her and rage about it with her but I couldn't find her either way.
So then we ended up stopping at this farmers place to get their bunny some food (they don't really have a bunny, but in this dream they did apparently) and across from the farmers field there were lilacs (my favorite flower) and I wanted so bad to smell their scent and tell Bennett all about how they are my favorite flowers.
But when I turned around Bennett was with his grandparents and they were drawing on some type of drawing board - getting him to karate hit it and kick it with some sort of paint chalk on his feet and hands... under what seemed to be a sign which at the top it said Girl or Boy. It had something to do with them adopting again.
Well, when we got back in the car Bennett seemed very upset, he wouldn't even buckle up. I very gently explained that it was safer to buckle up and I got him buckled. But as we were driving he ended up climbing into the front seat and out of his seatbelt, and his parents didn't mind.
Then they were talking to me and said that they were going to be stopping at this store before getting to their home, they said "We heard you wanted to go to Don's lunch today." (my favorite restaurant) With big smiles on their faces. (They also know I love french toast). So we stopped at the store and they went in to get the ingredients to make french toast - I'm assuming. They also got a banana for me and my little brother a coke and a monster energy drink. When they got back in the car - my brother said that he didn't like the monster drink and they got pretty upset about that, so I said I would drink it - but I didn't end up doing so.
So then we got back to their house and we were outside for a little while - I don't remember why though. I apparently put my banana peel on the ground and Bennett was worried about it and pointed it out saying I should pick it up. I ended up picking him up and it's as if he turned back into a little baby - and for some reason, I couldn't seem to stand very well. It was as if I had lost all balance of myself. I ended up falling over. Bennett's Amom gasped but I convinced her that we were both alright and fine. She let it go.
We then got into their house which seemed to have very little in it. There was a tiny table in the kitchen with two chairs and a high chair around it. On the counter was a coffee pot. There was a fridge as well. But everything else seemed bare. Then in the living room was a sofa, a chair, and a doctors exam table - yeah, strange. Also, there was a t.v. - which is where they went to, after Bennett's Adad asked me if I was finished with the Monster drink.
As they were all in the living room watching tv, I was in the kitchen holding and rocking Bennett. I was rocking him as I swayed my body, staring at him like I did when he was a newborn, wanting him to tell me everything about his life. He started telling me - (yes a talking newborn LOL) about memories of a redhead like me and an aunt who was silly and couldn't seem to spell the word chocolate. He also went into a story about how he wanted to skip the 3rd grade (Amom really does teach 3rd grade). He was joking around about how he doesn't need the 3rd grade. As Adad walked through the kitchen to get a drink I stopped him, concerned because Bennetts face had a lot of water retention in it making his face swollen and red - Adad told me that it was normal 'for him' and walked off. I kept staring at Bennett and holding him as if I would never ever let him go again.
In the beginning of the dream Bennett's Amom called me Rachael but when the dream got to her house she called me Mommy Rachael - I don't know why there was the change.
Now - I know that he is well cared for and that he really does have a wonderful home. I know that he gets the necessary surgeries or doctors visits if they are needed. I know that they love him just as much as I do. I know that he is okay.
But I guess at the end of the day - that doesn't stop my mind from worrying or wanting the best for my little boy. It doesn't stop my heart from wanting to be with him again. It doesn't stop every fiber of my being from missing him.
My little Bennett was a baby... through a toddler (shifted back and forth) but he talked so much like a big boy.
His aparents agreed to come and pick me and for whatever reason my little brother up and take us to their house for a visit. I was beyond ecstatic. When they came to pick me up he was about the age he's at now - 2. Even though I know they would have him in one, he wasn't in a car seat. It made me very frightened, scared, and worried - but over all, angry. I remember trying to text or facebook my friend Tiffany to tell her and rage about it with her but I couldn't find her either way.
So then we ended up stopping at this farmers place to get their bunny some food (they don't really have a bunny, but in this dream they did apparently) and across from the farmers field there were lilacs (my favorite flower) and I wanted so bad to smell their scent and tell Bennett all about how they are my favorite flowers.
But when I turned around Bennett was with his grandparents and they were drawing on some type of drawing board - getting him to karate hit it and kick it with some sort of paint chalk on his feet and hands... under what seemed to be a sign which at the top it said Girl or Boy. It had something to do with them adopting again.
Well, when we got back in the car Bennett seemed very upset, he wouldn't even buckle up. I very gently explained that it was safer to buckle up and I got him buckled. But as we were driving he ended up climbing into the front seat and out of his seatbelt, and his parents didn't mind.
Then they were talking to me and said that they were going to be stopping at this store before getting to their home, they said "We heard you wanted to go to Don's lunch today." (my favorite restaurant) With big smiles on their faces. (They also know I love french toast). So we stopped at the store and they went in to get the ingredients to make french toast - I'm assuming. They also got a banana for me and my little brother a coke and a monster energy drink. When they got back in the car - my brother said that he didn't like the monster drink and they got pretty upset about that, so I said I would drink it - but I didn't end up doing so.
So then we got back to their house and we were outside for a little while - I don't remember why though. I apparently put my banana peel on the ground and Bennett was worried about it and pointed it out saying I should pick it up. I ended up picking him up and it's as if he turned back into a little baby - and for some reason, I couldn't seem to stand very well. It was as if I had lost all balance of myself. I ended up falling over. Bennett's Amom gasped but I convinced her that we were both alright and fine. She let it go.
We then got into their house which seemed to have very little in it. There was a tiny table in the kitchen with two chairs and a high chair around it. On the counter was a coffee pot. There was a fridge as well. But everything else seemed bare. Then in the living room was a sofa, a chair, and a doctors exam table - yeah, strange. Also, there was a t.v. - which is where they went to, after Bennett's Adad asked me if I was finished with the Monster drink.
As they were all in the living room watching tv, I was in the kitchen holding and rocking Bennett. I was rocking him as I swayed my body, staring at him like I did when he was a newborn, wanting him to tell me everything about his life. He started telling me - (yes a talking newborn LOL) about memories of a redhead like me and an aunt who was silly and couldn't seem to spell the word chocolate. He also went into a story about how he wanted to skip the 3rd grade (Amom really does teach 3rd grade). He was joking around about how he doesn't need the 3rd grade. As Adad walked through the kitchen to get a drink I stopped him, concerned because Bennetts face had a lot of water retention in it making his face swollen and red - Adad told me that it was normal 'for him' and walked off. I kept staring at Bennett and holding him as if I would never ever let him go again.
In the beginning of the dream Bennett's Amom called me Rachael but when the dream got to her house she called me Mommy Rachael - I don't know why there was the change.
Now - I know that he is well cared for and that he really does have a wonderful home. I know that he gets the necessary surgeries or doctors visits if they are needed. I know that they love him just as much as I do. I know that he is okay.
But I guess at the end of the day - that doesn't stop my mind from worrying or wanting the best for my little boy. It doesn't stop my heart from wanting to be with him again. It doesn't stop every fiber of my being from missing him.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Being sparked to defense as a natural mother
Today I woke up and spent some time with my Justin honey before he made me some yummy waffles ! Numnumnum.
I then signed onto facebook and got lead to a page called "Voices for adoption".
The page owner posted this questions:
"Why even use adoption as an option if you are going to spend your life making blogs & posts like this?"
Like this meaning - upset or angry about adoption.
I answered back like this:
Walking into adoption I didn't know what I was getting myself into - as a birthmother. You ask -" Why even use adoption as an option if you are going to spend you life making blogs & posts like this?" My answer is simple. Because this "option" many of us didn't know much about. We were maybe scared, alone, worried about our baby... and out of the love for our child we called an agency. When I called the agency I knew nothing about adoption at all and I trusted the agency to give me to low down and tell me about adoption, but they did not. I did not know about everything I know now. I didn't know that my lawyer was going to lie to me on behalf of the agency and adoptive parents. I didn't know that the agency would lie to me to make their profits off my baby. I didn't know that the 'contract' I signed wasn't a legal contract and instead that it was pretty much meaningless since it was only 'morally binding'. They told me it was legal and the 'rights' I would get if I signed and agreed to it, I did. That was all lies. I was told that I would have help and counseling from the agency after placement - that was also a lie. I called them a few months after placement and I was told to "get over it and move on". My sons parents swooped in the hospital and gobbled up my child, making me feel like a stranger. They made promises to me (before signing) that they "took back" as soon as I signed my relinquishment papers. They promised that my daughter would be able to meet my son, they lied - they took him out of state without so much as a call or a text or a letter, nothing. They took him and I never got to see him again in person. I get pictures 1x a month (if I ask and if they decide to answer). We talk very briefly as well while she is (the amom) is sending the pictures. Usually between 1-5 photos, through text). I didn't know this was what adoption would be like.. and if I knew I would be walking on eggshells worrying about my adoption being closed and never knowing my son, I would never have placed at all.
Then I was talking to another poster about how when Pap's want a baby they fundraise... and people are all gungho and supportive of it, even knowing they can not afford it. They help them out, buying whatever the Pap's are selling... throwing money at them left and right. But when it's a pregnant single mother then she is told that she could not be a good enough mother due to money issues.
The poster also mentioned how someone else previously mentioned that the expectant mother, " or she's "not ready to be a parent" because of "selfishness, immaturity and poverty""
And So I said this in return:
" I had my daughter at 18... living with my parents, a job where I barely made much money at all, and being 18 - well, I was still growing up. Was I selfish to keep my own child? - some may say "Absolutely". But she is 5 years old now... and when I look her her bright smiling face each morning I know that I did something right. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but keeping her and fighting for her has not been one of them. We have struggled, majorly struggled. But does any of that matter to her? No ! What matters to her is that I love her, that I cuddle her, that I read to her every night before bed. That is what matters to her. Does it matter the amount of toys she has or if they're top brand and electrical? No ! Because shes 5 and most of her favorite things to do is play "cashier" where she pretends to "scan" every item in the house... or yard sale, where she just pretend to "sell" every item in the house. She doesn't "play" with the toys she does have most of the time.. not in the sense of how they're meant to be played with. She's five ! The zoo, the park, the beach... she'd rather be there anyday! And when it's winter... she'd rather be out in the snow. My little one is kind, compassionate, understanding, bright, empathetic, and the most loving human I have ever met. And if someone wants to tell me I "was not ready to parent", I'd tell them to meet my little girl and then say it to my face, because they are dead wrong."
One day I do hope adoption changes.. but until then I guess I'm going to have to keep taking it one day at a time, hoping for the best one day. Hoping my son will want to know who I am and have a relationship one day. Hope that he knows I just wanted to do what I was told was best for him.
Later in the day: The page owner posted that she would like for everyone to have respect for each other and different views.
My response:
" I understand, unfortunately where there is pain there is typically mental blocks and emotional barriers set up. And where there is happiness there is quite the same of protective coping mechanisms. Some people joyous in adoption may not want to or care to see the negative or harmful sides of it, blocking it out or trying to negate it. But there is the other end of the spectrum where there is the pain and the hurt and some of those people may not want to or care to see the positive sides of adoption because their pain is too difficult to see through, they can't even begin to imagine happiness revolving adoption. I find that the problem usually results when one another get offended by the happy or negative stories and try to shoot each other down, tell each other they are 'wrong' without that personal experience, or they try to shove their own experiences and beliefs down one another's' throats without stopping to understand what the other party in the conversation is really trying to say. Sometimes each party will come back with a message that is totally irrelevant to the original post, just because of those mental blocks or emotional barriers. They don't want their walls broken down. If a happy persons walls are broken down that could allow the sadness, anger, or frustrations to seep in and they don't want that to happen. And vise versa - when someone is angry or hurt - they probably can't even imagine trying to let those walls down because it's overwhelming and it's frightening, etc. Do you understand what I mean? And not everyone is like this - I can't speak for everyone, obviously. Some people can see both sides and say, "Yeah there are great adoptions, that's wonderful ! It worked and everyone is happy, adoption was a blessing." but can also say, "Yeah there are awful adoptions, it's really unfortunate and adoption could use changing. There is a lot that can be done to help BETTER adoptions from where it is now so that MORE people could experience better adoption experiences. Let's think about doing this or changing that." You know? This is just based on my own personal observations and views."
Personally I feel adoption CAN work... for those people who decide to MAKE it work. Maybe a wonderful and compassionate couple decides to keep whatever relationship is comfortable for the birthmother and themselves and the child, and can make it work ! But not because of the agency or because of adoption, but because they CHOOSE to.
But then again there is nothing that makes adoption work, other than people wanting to make it work. So if a birthfamily comes across a couple who has their own motives, adoption won't work and there is nothing that makes it have to work on behalf of everyone involved either. In some states there is legal adoption contracts made.. but that also may not 'work' knowing that a birthfamily may not be able to afford a lawyer and the necessary money to fight for those rights to their placed child. In these scenarios, adoption needs a reform. In my personal opinion, money needs to be taken out of adoptions and couples need a better understanding of compassion and empathy for the birthfamily's pain, prior to getting involved in an adoption placement.
I then signed onto facebook and got lead to a page called "Voices for adoption".
The page owner posted this questions:
"Why even use adoption as an option if you are going to spend your life making blogs & posts like this?"
Like this meaning - upset or angry about adoption.
I answered back like this:
Walking into adoption I didn't know what I was getting myself into - as a birthmother. You ask -" Why even use adoption as an option if you are going to spend you life making blogs & posts like this?" My answer is simple. Because this "option" many of us didn't know much about. We were maybe scared, alone, worried about our baby... and out of the love for our child we called an agency. When I called the agency I knew nothing about adoption at all and I trusted the agency to give me to low down and tell me about adoption, but they did not. I did not know about everything I know now. I didn't know that my lawyer was going to lie to me on behalf of the agency and adoptive parents. I didn't know that the agency would lie to me to make their profits off my baby. I didn't know that the 'contract' I signed wasn't a legal contract and instead that it was pretty much meaningless since it was only 'morally binding'. They told me it was legal and the 'rights' I would get if I signed and agreed to it, I did. That was all lies. I was told that I would have help and counseling from the agency after placement - that was also a lie. I called them a few months after placement and I was told to "get over it and move on". My sons parents swooped in the hospital and gobbled up my child, making me feel like a stranger. They made promises to me (before signing) that they "took back" as soon as I signed my relinquishment papers. They promised that my daughter would be able to meet my son, they lied - they took him out of state without so much as a call or a text or a letter, nothing. They took him and I never got to see him again in person. I get pictures 1x a month (if I ask and if they decide to answer). We talk very briefly as well while she is (the amom) is sending the pictures. Usually between 1-5 photos, through text). I didn't know this was what adoption would be like.. and if I knew I would be walking on eggshells worrying about my adoption being closed and never knowing my son, I would never have placed at all.
Then I was talking to another poster about how when Pap's want a baby they fundraise... and people are all gungho and supportive of it, even knowing they can not afford it. They help them out, buying whatever the Pap's are selling... throwing money at them left and right. But when it's a pregnant single mother then she is told that she could not be a good enough mother due to money issues.
The poster also mentioned how someone else previously mentioned that the expectant mother, " or she's "not ready to be a parent" because of "selfishness, immaturity and poverty""
And So I said this in return:
" I had my daughter at 18... living with my parents, a job where I barely made much money at all, and being 18 - well, I was still growing up. Was I selfish to keep my own child? - some may say "Absolutely". But she is 5 years old now... and when I look her her bright smiling face each morning I know that I did something right. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but keeping her and fighting for her has not been one of them. We have struggled, majorly struggled. But does any of that matter to her? No ! What matters to her is that I love her, that I cuddle her, that I read to her every night before bed. That is what matters to her. Does it matter the amount of toys she has or if they're top brand and electrical? No ! Because shes 5 and most of her favorite things to do is play "cashier" where she pretends to "scan" every item in the house... or yard sale, where she just pretend to "sell" every item in the house. She doesn't "play" with the toys she does have most of the time.. not in the sense of how they're meant to be played with. She's five ! The zoo, the park, the beach... she'd rather be there anyday! And when it's winter... she'd rather be out in the snow. My little one is kind, compassionate, understanding, bright, empathetic, and the most loving human I have ever met. And if someone wants to tell me I "was not ready to parent", I'd tell them to meet my little girl and then say it to my face, because they are dead wrong."
One day I do hope adoption changes.. but until then I guess I'm going to have to keep taking it one day at a time, hoping for the best one day. Hoping my son will want to know who I am and have a relationship one day. Hope that he knows I just wanted to do what I was told was best for him.
Later in the day: The page owner posted that she would like for everyone to have respect for each other and different views.
My response:
" I understand, unfortunately where there is pain there is typically mental blocks and emotional barriers set up. And where there is happiness there is quite the same of protective coping mechanisms. Some people joyous in adoption may not want to or care to see the negative or harmful sides of it, blocking it out or trying to negate it. But there is the other end of the spectrum where there is the pain and the hurt and some of those people may not want to or care to see the positive sides of adoption because their pain is too difficult to see through, they can't even begin to imagine happiness revolving adoption. I find that the problem usually results when one another get offended by the happy or negative stories and try to shoot each other down, tell each other they are 'wrong' without that personal experience, or they try to shove their own experiences and beliefs down one another's' throats without stopping to understand what the other party in the conversation is really trying to say. Sometimes each party will come back with a message that is totally irrelevant to the original post, just because of those mental blocks or emotional barriers. They don't want their walls broken down. If a happy persons walls are broken down that could allow the sadness, anger, or frustrations to seep in and they don't want that to happen. And vise versa - when someone is angry or hurt - they probably can't even imagine trying to let those walls down because it's overwhelming and it's frightening, etc. Do you understand what I mean? And not everyone is like this - I can't speak for everyone, obviously. Some people can see both sides and say, "Yeah there are great adoptions, that's wonderful ! It worked and everyone is happy, adoption was a blessing." but can also say, "Yeah there are awful adoptions, it's really unfortunate and adoption could use changing. There is a lot that can be done to help BETTER adoptions from where it is now so that MORE people could experience better adoption experiences. Let's think about doing this or changing that." You know? This is just based on my own personal observations and views."
Personally I feel adoption CAN work... for those people who decide to MAKE it work. Maybe a wonderful and compassionate couple decides to keep whatever relationship is comfortable for the birthmother and themselves and the child, and can make it work ! But not because of the agency or because of adoption, but because they CHOOSE to.
But then again there is nothing that makes adoption work, other than people wanting to make it work. So if a birthfamily comes across a couple who has their own motives, adoption won't work and there is nothing that makes it have to work on behalf of everyone involved either. In some states there is legal adoption contracts made.. but that also may not 'work' knowing that a birthfamily may not be able to afford a lawyer and the necessary money to fight for those rights to their placed child. In these scenarios, adoption needs a reform. In my personal opinion, money needs to be taken out of adoptions and couples need a better understanding of compassion and empathy for the birthfamily's pain, prior to getting involved in an adoption placement.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Being a mother and a natural mother
So today I spent the day with my Justin honey.. then Scott picked me up and with Lailah and his family we went down to some beach to dig up clams. I don't eat them but it's fun to dig them up. I don't really spend time with his family and I do find it nice to do. I like feeling connected to them because they are connected to Lailah. Although, I feel as if they don't really like me around. His mother has been talking to me a bit more which does help me feel more comfortable.. but I'm never invited places or to tag along with them, which really sort of bothers me.
On the note of my other child... I miss him and people don't get it. I really hate how much pain I feel and what it's done to not only me but many other people. Tonight on a site I use.. a Prospective Adoptive Parent (Pap) mentioned that she wanted to use a variation of the birthmothers name to honor her with her child. Which I felt was a good sentiment. But other people are so fucking hateful about something they know nothing about. Some women were saying that the birthmother doesn't deserve any honor for "giving her child away". Another woman said that the child shouldn't be given the birthmothers name so that it wouldn't have that connection to a family that isn't it's. It really pissed me off. Then an adoptee came along (betting it's a closed adoption and she was lied to by her aparents, told that she was unwanted by her natural family) saying that she would have hated to have been given her natural mothers name because she wouldn't want any connection to the 'family' as she put it, who "chose" not to raise her. Bullshit. I mean, I know each story is different but seriously? I bet she has no idea what women like us go through or the pain we feel.
I wish I could have my son back.. but these past 2years would that have been what was best for him? Probably not. I was just trying to do what was best for both my children. I love them and all I want for them is their safety, even if that means not being with me.
Why can't people even try to see our hurt or our pain? Why can people who miscarry get comfort, or people who have stillborns? But yet I'm supposed to just ignore a full pregnancy and delivery and ignore the fact that my child is alive and well and not with me? I mean - yes, I'm sure the other two are extremely painful too, I'm not lessening that pain or making little of it.. I'm just saying, why aren't natural mothers included in that?
How come when a woman who has placed gets pregnant again the first thing we hear is, "Are you keeping this one?" Or, "I gather you're keeping this one?" Why can't it just be a "Congratulations." Like everyone else gets?! Do women who have previously aborted hear things like, "Are you getting rid of this one too?" "Are you terminating this pregnancy as well?" No, more than likely not.
Why are we grouped together and attacked worse than women who choose abortion?
So many questions and so little answers.
Am I hurting? Yes.
Do I miss my son? Yes.
Do I wish I could have kept him and raised him? Yes.
Do I think about him every single day? Yes.
Do I hope that one day he will want to meet me and form a relationship with me? Absolutely.
He is my child, I am his natural mother, he is their child, they are his adoptive family.
He is mine in a way he will never be theirs and he is theirs in a way that he is not mine.
But together - we are adoption.
I am a birthmother, first mother, natural mother - whatever... and my feelings are real and they are here every single day.
I wrote this last month, I feel it should be here:
On the note of my other child... I miss him and people don't get it. I really hate how much pain I feel and what it's done to not only me but many other people. Tonight on a site I use.. a Prospective Adoptive Parent (Pap) mentioned that she wanted to use a variation of the birthmothers name to honor her with her child. Which I felt was a good sentiment. But other people are so fucking hateful about something they know nothing about. Some women were saying that the birthmother doesn't deserve any honor for "giving her child away". Another woman said that the child shouldn't be given the birthmothers name so that it wouldn't have that connection to a family that isn't it's. It really pissed me off. Then an adoptee came along (betting it's a closed adoption and she was lied to by her aparents, told that she was unwanted by her natural family) saying that she would have hated to have been given her natural mothers name because she wouldn't want any connection to the 'family' as she put it, who "chose" not to raise her. Bullshit. I mean, I know each story is different but seriously? I bet she has no idea what women like us go through or the pain we feel.
I wish I could have my son back.. but these past 2years would that have been what was best for him? Probably not. I was just trying to do what was best for both my children. I love them and all I want for them is their safety, even if that means not being with me.
Why can't people even try to see our hurt or our pain? Why can people who miscarry get comfort, or people who have stillborns? But yet I'm supposed to just ignore a full pregnancy and delivery and ignore the fact that my child is alive and well and not with me? I mean - yes, I'm sure the other two are extremely painful too, I'm not lessening that pain or making little of it.. I'm just saying, why aren't natural mothers included in that?
How come when a woman who has placed gets pregnant again the first thing we hear is, "Are you keeping this one?" Or, "I gather you're keeping this one?" Why can't it just be a "Congratulations." Like everyone else gets?! Do women who have previously aborted hear things like, "Are you getting rid of this one too?" "Are you terminating this pregnancy as well?" No, more than likely not.
Why are we grouped together and attacked worse than women who choose abortion?
So many questions and so little answers.
Am I hurting? Yes.
Do I miss my son? Yes.
Do I wish I could have kept him and raised him? Yes.
Do I think about him every single day? Yes.
Do I hope that one day he will want to meet me and form a relationship with me? Absolutely.
He is my child, I am his natural mother, he is their child, they are his adoptive family.
He is mine in a way he will never be theirs and he is theirs in a way that he is not mine.
But together - we are adoption.
I am a birthmother, first mother, natural mother - whatever... and my feelings are real and they are here every single day.
I wrote this last month, I feel it should be here:
I'm sick of people telling me to be happy about my adoption.I'm sick of people telling me "at least you get pictures"."At least you know he's happy and safe."I'm sick of people talking about Bennett like he was a 'gift' to give away,saying I blessed a couple with a gift.I'm not fucking god !!Stop !
Stop, close your eyes. Imagine, just IMAGINE having to make this choice for yourself and your baby.Or FEELING like you do.
Remember what it was like, how you felt right after delivering your baby.Remember what it was like holding your baby for the first time.Remember that moment when they opened their big bright eyes and looked right up at you, acknowledging you as mother.Remember when your baby would cry and your simple "shhh" of love and comfort would sooth them right back to sleep?Remember how adorable they looked when they took that first big yawn?Can you remember?
Now imagine strangers swooping in and gobbling up your child.They're brought backup - more family members along.You're pushed to the far corners of the room, feeling like a ghost in the room.You watch all their happiness flood in as your sadness creeps out.You don't know if you can go through with it anymore.You don't want to leave your baby - you need them and you feel in your heart that they need you.But you don't dare say anything.How dare you give a couple 'false hope'.How dare you force them to place so much of their time and wishful thinking into you.How can you tell these people that you want your baby back?How can you tell the agency that you can't do it after they've told you over and over again to not go back on your word or past emotions based on fear.You feel like not only a bad person but a bad mother.You lose all sense of self, all sense of being.You lose faith in yourself and worse - faith in your relationship and bond between you and your own child.A lawyer comes in and takes you into a room.A few other people come - staring you down and helping the lawyer urge you to sign.The whole thing is a fog as you sign over your life to these people.Do you even have a choice at this point?You walk out of the hospital alone, tears dripping down your face, get in your car and drive home.That night - there is no baby, not a peep in the house. No cries for your engorged breasts which have filled with milk and ache to feed the baby you've left behind with the strangers.The next day you go out and nobody acknowledges your pain.Cheer up ! They all say.You'll get over it! They encourage blindly.At least your baby didn't die! They ignorantly push your pain aside.
Now come back. How does that feel?Look at the child you've birthed RIGHT now and imagine them not being there, imagine you feeling like you didn't have the choice, even when it was considered your choice.
I ignore it though,all the time,everyday.Because I don't like to think these things and feel sad all the timenobody gets it.MY baby is gone.You don't think so? Ask Ap's who's baby they have. And they tell me to be happy?You fucking lose your baby and then tell me to be happy !You be happy about it after going through the loss and pain.I dare you.People tell me it was my choice, like thats supposed to make it easier.Let me tell you something - it doesn't.
And I'm supposed to just go, "Oh forget about me and my pain, I did what was BEST for my baby! I was so unselfish!"How? How was him leaving me what was best for him? How was him entering strangers arms what was best for him? Would it have been selfish if I had kept him? Would I have been the awful mother everyone made me feel like? No. I wouldn't have been.I have a beautiful, bright, amazing little girl who is 5 and I did it. We made it. When nobody believed in me. We struggled and we still are.. but I have her and she has me and we don't have her brother.
And now I'll close this back up and I'll act as if I've never suffered and that I'm not everyday. I'll wake up tomorrow with a smile and continue on with life just as everyone else has. And crying? Who does that? Crying doesn't exist.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Love for your child
I am beyond outraged. I am hurting, I am sad, and I am angry.
When I first got pregnant with my daughter at 17 I was on the rocks with her chronically lying father. My entire pregnancy he cheated on me, lied to me, and left me to be with this girl named Sandra. He was never really around. When I was somewhere around 25 weeks pregnant or so.. I started bleeding out. I rushed to the ER to find out that due to stress I lost a lot of her amniotic fluid and that they had to keep a very close eye on her until delivery.
So every week I went to 2 doctors appts, one Non-stress test (NST), and a growth U/s. At about 34 weeks they measured her and found out that she had stopped growing. For the next week they decided kept an eye on it. At my 35th week testing they also found that she was not growing. So then they scheduled me for an emergency inducement at 36 weeks.
I went into the hospital and I was in labor for 18 hours. I didn't take the epidural until after 15 hours. An hour later I was ready to push and I was fully dilated. I pushed for 2 hours to get her out. Scott was there but he was dating that girl Sandra so he would barely even look at me, even though I just delivered his child.
After that he joined the military and he left. I tried so many times to make it work with him. He proposed to me twice. The first time he proposed and I said yes... when he came home on vacation I found other girls texting his phone calling him baby, saying they missed him and couldn't wait for him to come 'home'. Later on I eventually found a very very detailed convo between him and this other chick... explaining what happened between them sexually while he was based in FL. I messaged her and she said she knew who I was and she didn't care. Some people huh?
I threw off the wedding. He swore again that he could make things right (like he always did) and I always believed him. He reproposed and I accepted. We got married on Jan 1st. I don't even remember the year. Anyways... he left and went back down to where he was based in NC. I moved down there twice. The first time we moved on base into a house living with one of his friends and the friends family. The wife and I got along at first but I quickly came to realize that they both were very abusive. They would scream, shout, punch each other, hit each other, throw things at each other, choke each other, etc. I would always lock myself up in the room with Lailah trying to help her ignore it. This couple also had a 3 month old baby. At night I would get up and feed their baby because they would leave her crying for up to 6 hours or longer. Soon after realizing how abusive they were and telling Scott about it and being brushed off.. the wife started blaming me for sleeping with her husband - which I didn't do. I demanded to Scott that I go home.
So the next day at something like 8am he dropped Lailah and I off at the airport and only paid for our tickets home, then he left. I was told by the flight people that our flight wasn't until 11pm that night. I had no money for food or anything. I spoke to them and they told me there was nothing they could do. I tried to call Scott and contact him but nothing. I eventually called his work and he told me he couldn't leave and there was nothing he could do. So eventually very nice strangers saw me with my crying baby and gave me money for food to feed her and myself.
Months later down the line Scott swore to me that he got us our own home on base and that we could be a family. So I packed myself and Lai up and we went down there. Only to realize he was lying and we were stuck in a hotel. For weeks I was trapped in this tiny hotel room with a baby and no way to get food or go anywhere. We were eating fast food because there was nowhere to store food there. I kept on him telling him we couldn't stay there. Then one day he left to go to work and he told me that I had only 1-2 days to get out, because that was all he paid for. I called my father in tears and my dad rented a car and drove 17 hours down to come and pick us up.
Finally I gained up the courage to demand a divorce. Which still hasn't happened - and I realize that that is because if we did, he knows I would get full custody and he wouldn't get any custody. So I went on living my life and caring for Lailah as a single parent. He only paid child support because it's military mandated and it went through his commanding officer.
Well last Monday he came home.. and I've been letting him see her and be around her. Which I have done every time he's come home. I've sent him updates and pictures (to which most he didn't even reply to, he just ignored). We would call him whenever she wanted to (which also was often ignored). And I respected his wishes for his parents to see her on weekends. I've never taken that from them.
(Backstory for the rest)
I don't talk to my mother and I haven't since back around easter and before that since back in october, before my bday in November. She has always been mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me. Back around easter she told me she hoped I would kill myself and die, and that's not the first time she's said that. Months back.. Before the new year I think. I told her that I felt disrespected by her and my brother and that there was going to be boundaries where she would get to see lailah at the park or zoo or something like that. I told her that it would only be for a few hours with me there. I said if I didn't like something then we would leave. I tried to be the bigger person and the adult in the situation. She FLIPPED out. She got my aunt and brother to verbally attack me based of God knows what she told them. So I was like, okay deals off then,
nevermind. We didn't talk again until Easter where she sent Lailah a huge basket full of things and had my dad give it to her. I spent a lot of money on Lailah and I was the 'Easter Bunny' so when Lailah got my moms basket she threw mine on the floor because it was 'just from the Easter Bunny' and the other one was from someone she knew. Then she told me, "Mommy, why didn't YOU get me anything?" When I actually bought her hundreds of dollars worth of things for her basket. So I texted my mom telling her I didn't appreciate it and she came at me telling me to go kill myself and she hoped I would die and also that Lailah would learn to hate me.
So tonight Lailah went over to her grandparents with her father. Later on I got a text from him asking me about my mom. I explained that we don't talk and that she's been abusive to me and that I don't accept that. He then said "Well, I'm taking her over there tomorrow." And I freaked ! I felt threatened and I felt as if he was barging in and taking over on me. Making decisions for me as Lailah's mother. I felt disrespected and disregarded and yes, I overreacted a bit. Court was brought up and custody was brought up. I was crying and panicking because Lai is my entire life, I've built my life around her. She's my everything. Eventually I told him I would call his commanding officer and he finally called me. At first there was shouting but then he agreed he would not take her to my mothers without speaking about all of this further. I apologized for over reacting and explained that I have done nothing but respected him and his family and I deserve the same in return. So tomorrow he's supposed to pick me up and we're going to go get clams at the beach with Lailah and talk further. I'm feeling more stable now but that sent me for quite the loop. How dare he.
I read to her every night, I have taught her her letters; numbers; how to count; how to memorize, I watch all her favorite shows with her all the time, I cook her favorite meals, I take her to her favorite places. I have raised this little girl to be everything she is. She's my beautiful, amazing, intelligent, compassionate, empathetic - little girl. She is literally my life. I wouldn't want to live without her in my life.
When I first got pregnant with my daughter at 17 I was on the rocks with her chronically lying father. My entire pregnancy he cheated on me, lied to me, and left me to be with this girl named Sandra. He was never really around. When I was somewhere around 25 weeks pregnant or so.. I started bleeding out. I rushed to the ER to find out that due to stress I lost a lot of her amniotic fluid and that they had to keep a very close eye on her until delivery.
So every week I went to 2 doctors appts, one Non-stress test (NST), and a growth U/s. At about 34 weeks they measured her and found out that she had stopped growing. For the next week they decided kept an eye on it. At my 35th week testing they also found that she was not growing. So then they scheduled me for an emergency inducement at 36 weeks.
I went into the hospital and I was in labor for 18 hours. I didn't take the epidural until after 15 hours. An hour later I was ready to push and I was fully dilated. I pushed for 2 hours to get her out. Scott was there but he was dating that girl Sandra so he would barely even look at me, even though I just delivered his child.
After that he joined the military and he left. I tried so many times to make it work with him. He proposed to me twice. The first time he proposed and I said yes... when he came home on vacation I found other girls texting his phone calling him baby, saying they missed him and couldn't wait for him to come 'home'. Later on I eventually found a very very detailed convo between him and this other chick... explaining what happened between them sexually while he was based in FL. I messaged her and she said she knew who I was and she didn't care. Some people huh?
I threw off the wedding. He swore again that he could make things right (like he always did) and I always believed him. He reproposed and I accepted. We got married on Jan 1st. I don't even remember the year. Anyways... he left and went back down to where he was based in NC. I moved down there twice. The first time we moved on base into a house living with one of his friends and the friends family. The wife and I got along at first but I quickly came to realize that they both were very abusive. They would scream, shout, punch each other, hit each other, throw things at each other, choke each other, etc. I would always lock myself up in the room with Lailah trying to help her ignore it. This couple also had a 3 month old baby. At night I would get up and feed their baby because they would leave her crying for up to 6 hours or longer. Soon after realizing how abusive they were and telling Scott about it and being brushed off.. the wife started blaming me for sleeping with her husband - which I didn't do. I demanded to Scott that I go home.
So the next day at something like 8am he dropped Lailah and I off at the airport and only paid for our tickets home, then he left. I was told by the flight people that our flight wasn't until 11pm that night. I had no money for food or anything. I spoke to them and they told me there was nothing they could do. I tried to call Scott and contact him but nothing. I eventually called his work and he told me he couldn't leave and there was nothing he could do. So eventually very nice strangers saw me with my crying baby and gave me money for food to feed her and myself.
Months later down the line Scott swore to me that he got us our own home on base and that we could be a family. So I packed myself and Lai up and we went down there. Only to realize he was lying and we were stuck in a hotel. For weeks I was trapped in this tiny hotel room with a baby and no way to get food or go anywhere. We were eating fast food because there was nowhere to store food there. I kept on him telling him we couldn't stay there. Then one day he left to go to work and he told me that I had only 1-2 days to get out, because that was all he paid for. I called my father in tears and my dad rented a car and drove 17 hours down to come and pick us up.
Finally I gained up the courage to demand a divorce. Which still hasn't happened - and I realize that that is because if we did, he knows I would get full custody and he wouldn't get any custody. So I went on living my life and caring for Lailah as a single parent. He only paid child support because it's military mandated and it went through his commanding officer.
Well last Monday he came home.. and I've been letting him see her and be around her. Which I have done every time he's come home. I've sent him updates and pictures (to which most he didn't even reply to, he just ignored). We would call him whenever she wanted to (which also was often ignored). And I respected his wishes for his parents to see her on weekends. I've never taken that from them.
(Backstory for the rest)
I don't talk to my mother and I haven't since back around easter and before that since back in october, before my bday in November. She has always been mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive to me. Back around easter she told me she hoped I would kill myself and die, and that's not the first time she's said that. Months back.. Before the new year I think. I told her that I felt disrespected by her and my brother and that there was going to be boundaries where she would get to see lailah at the park or zoo or something like that. I told her that it would only be for a few hours with me there. I said if I didn't like something then we would leave. I tried to be the bigger person and the adult in the situation. She FLIPPED out. She got my aunt and brother to verbally attack me based of God knows what she told them. So I was like, okay deals off then,
nevermind. We didn't talk again until Easter where she sent Lailah a huge basket full of things and had my dad give it to her. I spent a lot of money on Lailah and I was the 'Easter Bunny' so when Lailah got my moms basket she threw mine on the floor because it was 'just from the Easter Bunny' and the other one was from someone she knew. Then she told me, "Mommy, why didn't YOU get me anything?" When I actually bought her hundreds of dollars worth of things for her basket. So I texted my mom telling her I didn't appreciate it and she came at me telling me to go kill myself and she hoped I would die and also that Lailah would learn to hate me.
So tonight Lailah went over to her grandparents with her father. Later on I got a text from him asking me about my mom. I explained that we don't talk and that she's been abusive to me and that I don't accept that. He then said "Well, I'm taking her over there tomorrow." And I freaked ! I felt threatened and I felt as if he was barging in and taking over on me. Making decisions for me as Lailah's mother. I felt disrespected and disregarded and yes, I overreacted a bit. Court was brought up and custody was brought up. I was crying and panicking because Lai is my entire life, I've built my life around her. She's my everything. Eventually I told him I would call his commanding officer and he finally called me. At first there was shouting but then he agreed he would not take her to my mothers without speaking about all of this further. I apologized for over reacting and explained that I have done nothing but respected him and his family and I deserve the same in return. So tomorrow he's supposed to pick me up and we're going to go get clams at the beach with Lailah and talk further. I'm feeling more stable now but that sent me for quite the loop. How dare he.
I read to her every night, I have taught her her letters; numbers; how to count; how to memorize, I watch all her favorite shows with her all the time, I cook her favorite meals, I take her to her favorite places. I have raised this little girl to be everything she is. She's my beautiful, amazing, intelligent, compassionate, empathetic - little girl. She is literally my life. I wouldn't want to live without her in my life.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Dreams that bring back memories
Dreaming seems to be the place where my whole life tries to understand itself.
Last night I guess I was.. facing the issues I have had with my mom in my past.
In my dream it was Christmas and I opened up the gifts my mother got me... and it was all stuff that I didn't need or couldn't use. I even remember clearly 2 pairs of sandals in my size.. but literally were like toddler fashion.
My sister opened up her gifts and she had gotten Abercrombie clothing as a gift for losing so much weight and a bunch of other things she could use and needed. I FLIPPED.
This is a perfect example of how I've felt about my mother my whole life. That she's always created the 'illusion' to others that she's cared or that she's loved me... when in reality, it's all been bullshit. Then everyone views me as the ungrateful selfish bitch. They claim I should be more appreciative that I get anything at all. But really - the only reason I did get anything at all was so she wouldn't look 'bad' and so that people would accept her. It was never about me. It was always about her and her attempt at showing others she was being or could be a good parent to me, without ever actually being that good parent. Plus I've always felt like the reject child.
Growing up... I don't even remember her. Isn't that weird? She worked from home, so it's not even like I never seen her or that she was always busy. But most of the time I remember her locked in her room doing God knows what. The only time I remember her being around was for dinner time - but I guess that makes sense her being extremely overweight and such my whole life. I have one memory of my mother... we were camping and I had a Mickey mouse coloring book - I was 5 I believe it was when I broke my leg and was in the wagon. Well, my mom finally agreed to color with me. She colored a picture of Goofy... and I remember looking at it and wanting to be able to color just like her.
In my teen years I told everyone I hated my dad and that he was awful. And yes - we fought a LOT when I was a teen... fist fights and all. But my dad taught me what guilt is.. he taught me what learning was, he taught me what motivation was, he taught me what understanding of others was, he taught me everything great that I know now.
My dad taught me to read and write, he was patient with me. He read my sister and I bedtime stories all the time. I remember we had this HUGE princess book that had golden pages. And my sister and I took turns choosing a story, which my dad took the time to read us. I remember climbing up on my dads lap while he was doing crossword puzzles and him making the examples easier for me to guess the answer - and he wouldn't write the answer in until I guessed it or until he explained whatever it was and helped me understand it. I remember when my dad would put puzzles together, the big ones that you build into figurines and such and I liked to watch him. I thought my dad was so smart and awesome. I remember when I was really little (no idea the age), one day my dad was outside with me.. it was sunny and hot out... he just laid on the grass with me looking up at the sky and he taught me to use my imagination, making pictures out of clouds. I think I may have even been too little to really make pictures out of the clouds... I probably just shouted random things and pretended I saw them, but he just laughed along with me. I remember when I was little he taught me how to swim... at something like 5 years old I could swim. I remember I told him I wanted to swim without arm floats and he told me to swim back and forth across the pool something like 3 times.. and I did. I felt so proud of myself and I mostly felt that way because I felt that my dad was proud of me. I also remember when I was older - maybe 10? I don't really know.. he spent time with me outside teaching me to ride a bike on my own. And I appreciated that probably more than he knows. I remember whenever I asked him questions he answered me to the best of his ability - which is a parenting trait I now have for my own children, and I love it. In my teen years we fought a lot... nobody in my family was perfect. But what mattered the most to me was when my dad came in and hugged me, when he just tried to talk to me and explain things to me. The most important thing though was when he was apologize to me. And because of that - I now can apologize to others as well - even my children. I am grateful for my dad and I am even more grateful that I still have him in my life today. He means a lot more to me than he knows.
Last night I guess I was.. facing the issues I have had with my mom in my past.
In my dream it was Christmas and I opened up the gifts my mother got me... and it was all stuff that I didn't need or couldn't use. I even remember clearly 2 pairs of sandals in my size.. but literally were like toddler fashion.
My sister opened up her gifts and she had gotten Abercrombie clothing as a gift for losing so much weight and a bunch of other things she could use and needed. I FLIPPED.
This is a perfect example of how I've felt about my mother my whole life. That she's always created the 'illusion' to others that she's cared or that she's loved me... when in reality, it's all been bullshit. Then everyone views me as the ungrateful selfish bitch. They claim I should be more appreciative that I get anything at all. But really - the only reason I did get anything at all was so she wouldn't look 'bad' and so that people would accept her. It was never about me. It was always about her and her attempt at showing others she was being or could be a good parent to me, without ever actually being that good parent. Plus I've always felt like the reject child.
Growing up... I don't even remember her. Isn't that weird? She worked from home, so it's not even like I never seen her or that she was always busy. But most of the time I remember her locked in her room doing God knows what. The only time I remember her being around was for dinner time - but I guess that makes sense her being extremely overweight and such my whole life. I have one memory of my mother... we were camping and I had a Mickey mouse coloring book - I was 5 I believe it was when I broke my leg and was in the wagon. Well, my mom finally agreed to color with me. She colored a picture of Goofy... and I remember looking at it and wanting to be able to color just like her.
In my teen years I told everyone I hated my dad and that he was awful. And yes - we fought a LOT when I was a teen... fist fights and all. But my dad taught me what guilt is.. he taught me what learning was, he taught me what motivation was, he taught me what understanding of others was, he taught me everything great that I know now.
My dad taught me to read and write, he was patient with me. He read my sister and I bedtime stories all the time. I remember we had this HUGE princess book that had golden pages. And my sister and I took turns choosing a story, which my dad took the time to read us. I remember climbing up on my dads lap while he was doing crossword puzzles and him making the examples easier for me to guess the answer - and he wouldn't write the answer in until I guessed it or until he explained whatever it was and helped me understand it. I remember when my dad would put puzzles together, the big ones that you build into figurines and such and I liked to watch him. I thought my dad was so smart and awesome. I remember when I was really little (no idea the age), one day my dad was outside with me.. it was sunny and hot out... he just laid on the grass with me looking up at the sky and he taught me to use my imagination, making pictures out of clouds. I think I may have even been too little to really make pictures out of the clouds... I probably just shouted random things and pretended I saw them, but he just laughed along with me. I remember when I was little he taught me how to swim... at something like 5 years old I could swim. I remember I told him I wanted to swim without arm floats and he told me to swim back and forth across the pool something like 3 times.. and I did. I felt so proud of myself and I mostly felt that way because I felt that my dad was proud of me. I also remember when I was older - maybe 10? I don't really know.. he spent time with me outside teaching me to ride a bike on my own. And I appreciated that probably more than he knows. I remember whenever I asked him questions he answered me to the best of his ability - which is a parenting trait I now have for my own children, and I love it. In my teen years we fought a lot... nobody in my family was perfect. But what mattered the most to me was when my dad came in and hugged me, when he just tried to talk to me and explain things to me. The most important thing though was when he was apologize to me. And because of that - I now can apologize to others as well - even my children. I am grateful for my dad and I am even more grateful that I still have him in my life today. He means a lot more to me than he knows.
Monday, July 8, 2013
Been a while
Hey there,
I'm back ! Which doesn't seem to be a good thing since I usually turn to writing when things haven't gone well. A lot to report on. A lot to catch up on.
Lailah turned 5... Bennett turned 2... perfection.
Oh, and I'm expecting. My boyfriend and I got back together and things are going really well. A lot happened. I won't even get into it, because now we are happy and doing really really well.
Remember that 'best friend' I was talking about before? Well, yeah... we're pretty much demolished. A few days ago he admitted to me that the only reason he was nice to me, kind to me, supportive of me, caring towards me - was because he loved me, and now he doesn't. He said that he shut it off. Back after I went on the break with my boyfriend, my best friend came to visit me... but we just acted as friends. Then after he went home... he became distant, cold, mean, he didn't want much to do with me anymore. It really hurt. I called him out on it the other day - which is where he admitted he shut off everything towards me now. He's not who I once knew and I can't even tolerate who he is anymore. Where did my best friend go?
Whatever....
My boyfriend and I are doing really great. I'm so glad we got back together and worked everything out. Right after we got back together... I guess we conceived. We found out on April 3rd that we are expecting a little one.
I feel a lot of feelings about this... I'm scared, worried, I feel guilt, shame, pain - but over all - Love. I love this baby and I love my boyfriend. I really do.
Now my boyfriend and I spend a lot of time together, I love cuddling ! We watch netflix together, he is amazing with Lailah, and he's there for me. He listens to me, comforts me, and he just really helps me feel better and sort of heal. I don't know what I would do without him.
I'm now 16w5d... we are Team Green which means we aren't going to find out the babys gender until delivery.
I also need a new job - I quit working as a host when I got disrespected, I walked out. I don't tolerate disrespect very well.. yeah...
Today I got triggered, pretty bad. Flash back from my past. When I was about 10 yrs old - in Mrs. Burns 5th grade class, I was hospitalized instead - in Hasbro Childrens hospital for being underweight. Well, just watch this:
That's exactly what they did to me.
Now people are outraged that the government is doing this to prisoners in Guantanamo... but nobody cares to know that this happened to myself and probably a lot of other children only 10 years ago. And it may even still be happening now.
I feel hurt and angry because - why are so many strangers of these people outraged... but my own family/parents... weren't when it was happening to me.
I tried to talk to my best friend about it today before deleting him off my facebook and deleting him from my phone completely... he tried to compare it to get vaccinated against his wishes. Saying that being vaccinated is just as bad.
He tried saying vaccinations are pointless. Of course I felt my parenting was being attacked - because I vaccinate my children. I was vaccinated and I'm happy I was - because I'm healthy. He asked me what proof there was that vaccines keep diseases and illnesses away. I told him to look around ! Polio, measles, mumps, rubella, and now even chickenpox is nearly non-existent. Back when we were kids, everyone had chickenpox ! But since the new vaccine, my brother, my cousins, all younger than me - have never experienced chickenpox. When Lailah got a very small outbreak after her vaccination the doctor who saw her had to get an older doctor because she's never even seen chickenpox before, because she was a semi-new doctor ! Lailah's chickenpox lasted 1/3rd of the time as from when I had them and she only had a couple small rash spots, not her entire body. She was more concerned about not being able to be around her friends than the itchiness of the spots.
Anyways, I'm vaccinating all my children - not only for their own safety but for the safety of all the other children out there and babies who can't yet be vaccinated.
On a different note - Lailah's father is back in town from being in NC with the Marines since last winter. He's not so bad, I don't mind him. He keeps his word and he's an okay father. We'll see how this goes.
Well, that's all for now - done with my recent rants and ramblings. Tata.
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