Today hasn't been great, but it's been okay.
I woke up with Lai and we went to my moms house. We had some french toast sticks (mmm my favorite !) Then I went with my mom to speak to another lawyer about the divorce.
Basically I was told that it will be cheaper if Scott and I can come to a holiday/visitation agreement. We need to get the show on the road and get this divorce processed or we will be in for a can or worms when the baby is born because in the state or RI, Scott would legally be the baby's father and he would have to petition paternity and whatever... from my understanding which is actually pretty little. But all I know is I need to get this finished and done with ASAP. So after leaving the lawyers office I called Scott to come up with a plan and could very easily tell that he was angry that I spoke to a lawyer. He was mostly angry that I want a legally enforceable contract when it comes to visitations and holidays. If I don't do this though - I'm the one who could get fucked over by him. I will do anything I need to do to make sure I can keep my daughter without fights and petty arguments about who is taking her when. We will have it all laid out for us, bada bing bada boom, no conflict ! Then if for whatever reason we aren't talking, we still have something to stand by for Lailah's sake. This will make sure I have Parental Possession of her and that for the most part she will be staying with me. Scott was angry and said he "didn't have time" to sit down and work something out. So he told me to do it and he will agree to it, okayyyyy. He tried getting me to talk to his lawyer and blah blah blah, No. I have my own lawyer and I know what I want to do ! Get over it.
After that meeting I went to a new councilor. I thought it would be good. I really need a new one because the one I've been with for years hasn't helped me at all. Bud has helped me more than she has and that should be saying a lot. Anyways.... I was basically told that I have "too many problems" and she can't help me... she said she handles a lot of things but that I have "too much going on" for her. So she recommended me to call some other places - she gave me 3 phone number referrals. It made me kind of sad really... I felt rejected and like I'm a 'problem'. Like, I'm too broken to work with in attempt to fix or make better. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way? Idk... but talking to her I sort of felt like a monster or something and that nobody will ever want to help me out along my life journey. It made me feel really sad and hurt. I've come a long way and I'm just asking for a little bit of assistance at this time and I feel like I will never get it and that's difficult. It makes me feel that I'm alone and I'm 'too different' or 'too ruined'. Does that make sense? :/
I've also got hit with missing my best friend recently.. I miss him a lot. I miss turning to my best friend and feeling understood and cared about. I know he's not the same anymore... but that really hurts. He's gone. He doesn't love me and he doesn't care about me. Silly me, always getting stuck in this stupid position. Always feeling that I matter only for it to fade away - and feel more like being 'ripped' away. I know that I have Justin and I love him SO much but it's not the same as having Tom.. Tom got ME whereas I get Justin. I miss that. I miss feeling understood and I miss being fully accepted. I miss someone knowing all the right words to say and being able to calm me when the whole world is against me, I have someone on my side - rooting for me and there to catch me. I miss that. But Rachael it's gone, it's not coming back. Just like Bennett it's not coming back ! Those relationships are like the mist... there and then gone, sucked up by the world around us. Nothing to do but wait around and see if the mist will just fade back in one day - but then there's the reality that it'll more than likely fade back into reality all over again. It'll leave me stranded with the weight of the world sitting on top of my shoulders threatening to crush me. Remind me why I form relationships at all again?
Well, that's all folks. Until next time readers !
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