Today I haven't done much of anything at all and I loved it, especially since my little girl is here. :) Never a boring moment with her here.
We woke up, ate, showered, did some kindergarten workbooks, watched a movie, then we took a nap. Now we are eating and waiting for Justin to get home. Pretty dull day but that's okay. :)
Just something on my mind - it really bothers me when firstmoms say "I know I did what was best for my child, I know s/he will have an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life!" And the answer in my head is - "You know nothing."
Being on the firstmom side of the adoption triad - we can't have any idea what it is like to grow up an adoptee, unless of course we were adopted ourselves.
I can imagine/hope/or even assume - that Bennett will have an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life but I would only be imagining/hoping/assuming for my own benefit - not his. I would be feeling that way to ease my own pain and guilt of placing him. I have NO idea how his life will be, how he will grow up, if his personality will fit in with his family, if he will or will not feel empty/incomplete/ or completely out of place. He went home with people who were strangers to him. People whose voices he never even heard before. A mother whose heartbeat he never knew to get comforted by. I can not just sit back and assume that any of that was easy for him or that he will simply forget. Assuming any of that again would only be trying to soothe myself from the choice I felt I had to make. He may grow up having everything he needs, getting good grades, getting along perfectly with his family, going to college and making something great of himself one day - and I truly, TRULY hope he does. But then again on the other side of things adoption can and usually DOES, whether we like it or not, affect adopted children. He may have all of that but still feel the empty/incomplete/ or out of place I previously described - and is that living a truly an amazing/great/awesome/fantastic/wonderful/etc life?? I wouldn't think so. I would see that more as trying to pretend and ignoring his own pain from the separation he was forced to endure because of my choice. Whether I felt coerced or not doesn't matter. In the end, I was the one who wasn't strong enough to get on my feet and scream at the world "NO ! I will NOT let you do this to us! I will not let you separate us!" I was weak. I feel I should have been stronger for him, for his sister, and for myself. I should have figured something out. I signed those papers. It was my hand making its way across those pages. My hand, that ink, and those papers - signed his life away from who he truly was. And I want him to forgive me? Ha.
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