I try and I try but I just can't.
Today I went to my moms house to help her out with her daycare and she did my laundry for me while I was there. She told me if I help her she will help me. Okay. It wasn't bad at first I hung out by the pool and brought the 1 yr old in the pool while watching the other ones. Then I watched 10 kids outside while my mom was inside. The kids go along nicely and I just watched to make sure everything went smoothly. After a while I decided to bring the kids back in the house. We came in and my mom put a movie on. Her husband was sitting on the couch playing some hand held video game - not even paying attention to the children, whatever. So I thought my mom could still use my help since she was in the kitchen. So this little boy Hayden was playing with this house and little people toys for a while when all of a sudden another little boy comes over and tries to push Hayden out of the way to play too and Hayden goes, "NO ! I'm playing here!" My moms husband still sat playing his game, ignoring the kids, so I spoke up and said, "It's okay Hayden, you can share, right?" and Hayden thought and goes, "Yeah." and hands a few toys over to the other little boy. Then out of nowhere my moms husband shouts, "You better share or you won't play with nothing !"
Like, what the fuck. I already took care of it and you were ignoring them playing your fucking video game, shut the fuck up dude.
So I walked out of the living room.
My mom told me that I looked tired and said that I could go home. I told her I wasn't tired that I just was frustrated because I had handled a situation and her husband felt the need to still make threats towards the kids. So she acted like she ignored me and I let it go.
A little while later she goes in the living room and confronts her husband in front of all the kids and he gets mad, says he doesn't know what I was referring to, shouts at her and storms out. Actually, first she let the 1 yr old out of the sleepy chair to run around and then he put her on the couch. The 1 yr old started screaming and so my mom was shouting from the kitchen "Who isn't letting her run around?!" So I went to check and her husband had put her on the couch. So I informed my mom that he had her on the couch. She went in to ask him why he wouldn't let her get down and play and he started screaming and shouting - then he got up and stormed out. - Mature 'man' huh?
So then my mom comes back in and I told her that I didn't say anything to cause a fight, I said something so that she knew why I wasn't still helping her out and came into the kitchen. So she says back to me that "Well, he has been helping me, I've been here alone and he's the only person helping me."
So I explained that I knew that but if she wanted my help then I would help but not if he's going to be creating more problems after I've solved something. I then explained the situation and what happened.
She just said back, "Well, they don't just listen like that for us. So we need to be more like how he was." And I said, "No, you just don't know how to properly talk to children and if you did, they would be more likely to listen."
So she came back at me with, "You think we are the only ones that talk to them like this ! We're not ! The other day his mother *points at a child* said to him, 'You better eat your food or I'll shove it down your throat.' in front of all the other kids, so it's fine !"
I just got up, got my stuff together and told Lailah we were leaving, all the while thinking to myself - 'So because their parents are disrespectful to them gives you reason to also? That's a pretty fucked up way of thinking.'
I just can't even deal with it. I can't believe I was raised around this shit. And I feel bad that all these parents have their kids over there with bickering and yelling adults.
I want to help out, I'm probably the only kind person those kids are around or talk to. But it stresses me out to be around that, it drives me nuts ! I want to be able to speak respectfully to children and explain better ways of handling situations and actions, and here are these two grown adults displaying nothing but the wrong ways to handle situations and actions.
I'm going to try again but once her husband rolls around, I'm gone. I have never liked him to begin with. Immature jackass in my opinion - that's what he is.
I've been home for a while now and I can't help but feel drained of positive energy. People wonder why I don't want to be around my mom but it seriously makes me depressed. It's as if it sucks all the good out of the air. I'm feeling sort of down and I don't really know why. Every time I feel down a core inside me always wants to blame my adoption. It can't be that every single time, I mean yeah - it may add to why I'm down but not the actual reason. Maybe it's because placing Bennett - it wasn't about me. It was about protecting him. And seeing other people abuse or mistreat their own kids or other peoples kids really unsettles me - why did you keep them then? Because you're selfish? Because you're ignorant? What is the reason for mistreating your little one who is still learning about the world? I wish I had my little boy to love and raise well, but I don't and he's being raised by other people. I can't know how he's being treated or the people he is around. They can tell me things but I can't KNOW firsthand or know from being able to witness it, you know? I know I am not healed from my adoption and I probably never will be. How does one heal from being separated from her child whom she loves so much? I don't believe one can.
I feel like crying. Maybe it has something to do with feeling so lonely... but then again it bothers me to be around people. I wish I had happy, positive, upbeat people in my life. But when I look around, I am severely lacking in that area. Justin is amazing but he works a lot.
Oh, and Tom hasn't talked to me since I told him I deleted his number... whatever.
Let's just keep hoping that I get this job so that I can get my own home with Justin and we can raise our children. My children and my love is all I really need in this world and I know, because I wish my mom had known that all she needed were her kids - but she never did. She's still not happy and I'm getting there - one day at a time, one step at a time, I'm getting there.
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