I'm back ! Which doesn't seem to be a good thing since I usually turn to writing when things haven't gone well. A lot to report on. A lot to catch up on.
Lailah turned 5... Bennett turned 2... perfection.
Oh, and I'm expecting. My boyfriend and I got back together and things are going really well. A lot happened. I won't even get into it, because now we are happy and doing really really well.
Remember that 'best friend' I was talking about before? Well, yeah... we're pretty much demolished. A few days ago he admitted to me that the only reason he was nice to me, kind to me, supportive of me, caring towards me - was because he loved me, and now he doesn't. He said that he shut it off. Back after I went on the break with my boyfriend, my best friend came to visit me... but we just acted as friends. Then after he went home... he became distant, cold, mean, he didn't want much to do with me anymore. It really hurt. I called him out on it the other day - which is where he admitted he shut off everything towards me now. He's not who I once knew and I can't even tolerate who he is anymore. Where did my best friend go?
Whatever....
My boyfriend and I are doing really great. I'm so glad we got back together and worked everything out. Right after we got back together... I guess we conceived. We found out on April 3rd that we are expecting a little one.
I feel a lot of feelings about this... I'm scared, worried, I feel guilt, shame, pain - but over all - Love. I love this baby and I love my boyfriend. I really do.
Now my boyfriend and I spend a lot of time together, I love cuddling ! We watch netflix together, he is amazing with Lailah, and he's there for me. He listens to me, comforts me, and he just really helps me feel better and sort of heal. I don't know what I would do without him.
I'm now 16w5d... we are Team Green which means we aren't going to find out the babys gender until delivery.
I also need a new job - I quit working as a host when I got disrespected, I walked out. I don't tolerate disrespect very well.. yeah...
Today I got triggered, pretty bad. Flash back from my past. When I was about 10 yrs old - in Mrs. Burns 5th grade class, I was hospitalized instead - in Hasbro Childrens hospital for being underweight. Well, just watch this:
That's exactly what they did to me.
Now people are outraged that the government is doing this to prisoners in Guantanamo... but nobody cares to know that this happened to myself and probably a lot of other children only 10 years ago. And it may even still be happening now.
I feel hurt and angry because - why are so many strangers of these people outraged... but my own family/parents... weren't when it was happening to me.
I tried to talk to my best friend about it today before deleting him off my facebook and deleting him from my phone completely... he tried to compare it to get vaccinated against his wishes. Saying that being vaccinated is just as bad.
He tried saying vaccinations are pointless. Of course I felt my parenting was being attacked - because I vaccinate my children. I was vaccinated and I'm happy I was - because I'm healthy. He asked me what proof there was that vaccines keep diseases and illnesses away. I told him to look around ! Polio, measles, mumps, rubella, and now even chickenpox is nearly non-existent. Back when we were kids, everyone had chickenpox ! But since the new vaccine, my brother, my cousins, all younger than me - have never experienced chickenpox. When Lailah got a very small outbreak after her vaccination the doctor who saw her had to get an older doctor because she's never even seen chickenpox before, because she was a semi-new doctor ! Lailah's chickenpox lasted 1/3rd of the time as from when I had them and she only had a couple small rash spots, not her entire body. She was more concerned about not being able to be around her friends than the itchiness of the spots.
Anyways, I'm vaccinating all my children - not only for their own safety but for the safety of all the other children out there and babies who can't yet be vaccinated.
On a different note - Lailah's father is back in town from being in NC with the Marines since last winter. He's not so bad, I don't mind him. He keeps his word and he's an okay father. We'll see how this goes.
Well, that's all for now - done with my recent rants and ramblings. Tata.
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