Being a mother and a natural mother

So today I spent the day with my Justin honey.. then Scott picked me up and with Lailah and his family we went down to some beach to dig up clams. I don't eat them but it's fun to dig them up. I don't really spend time with his family and I do find it nice to do. I like feeling connected to them because they are connected to Lailah. Although, I feel as if they don't really like me around. His mother has been talking to me a bit more which does help me feel more comfortable.. but I'm never invited places or to tag along with them, which really sort of bothers me.
On the note of my other child... I miss him and people don't get it. I really hate how much pain I feel and what it's done to not only me but many other people. Tonight on a site I use.. a Prospective Adoptive Parent (Pap) mentioned that she wanted to use a variation of the birthmothers name to honor her with her child. Which I felt was a good sentiment. But other people are so fucking hateful about something they know nothing about. Some women were saying that the birthmother doesn't deserve any honor for "giving her child away". Another woman said that the child shouldn't be given the birthmothers name so that it wouldn't have that connection to a family that isn't it's. It really pissed me off. Then an adoptee came along (betting it's a closed adoption and she was lied to by her aparents, told that she was unwanted by her natural family) saying that she would have hated to have been given her natural mothers name because she wouldn't want any connection to the 'family' as she put it, who "chose" not to raise her. Bullshit. I mean, I know each story is different but seriously? I bet she has no idea what women like us go through or the pain we feel.
I wish I could have my son back.. but these past 2years would that have been what was best for him? Probably not. I was just trying to do what was best for both my children. I love them and all I want for them is their safety, even if that means not being with me.
Why can't people even try to see our hurt or our pain? Why can people who miscarry get comfort, or people who have stillborns? But yet I'm supposed to just ignore a full pregnancy and delivery and ignore the fact that my child is alive and well and not with me? I mean - yes, I'm sure the other two are extremely painful too, I'm not lessening that pain or making little of it.. I'm just saying, why aren't natural mothers included in that?
How come when a woman who has placed gets pregnant again the first thing we hear is, "Are you keeping this one?" Or, "I gather you're keeping this one?" Why can't it just be a "Congratulations." Like everyone else gets?! Do women who have previously aborted hear things like, "Are you getting rid of this one too?" "Are you terminating this pregnancy as well?" No, more than likely not.
Why are we grouped together and attacked worse than women who choose abortion?
So many questions and so little answers.

Am I hurting? Yes.
Do I miss my son? Yes.
Do I wish I could have kept him and raised him? Yes.
Do I think about him every single day? Yes.
Do I hope that one day he will want to meet me and form a relationship with me? Absolutely.

He is my child, I am his natural mother, he is their child, they are his adoptive family.
He is mine in a way he will never be theirs and he is theirs in a way that he is not mine.
But together - we are adoption.

I am a birthmother, first mother, natural mother - whatever... and my feelings are real and they are here every single day.

I wrote this last month, I feel it should be here:

I'm sick of people telling me to be happy about my adoption.I'm sick of people telling me "at least you get pictures"."At least you know he's happy and safe."I'm sick of people talking about Bennett like he was a 'gift' to give away,saying I blessed a couple with a gift.I'm not fucking god !!Stop !

Stop, close your eyes. Imagine, just IMAGINE having to make this choice for yourself and your baby.Or FEELING like you do.

Remember what it was like, how you felt right after delivering your baby.Remember what it was like holding your baby for the first time.Remember that moment when they opened their big bright eyes and looked right up at you, acknowledging you as mother.Remember when your baby would cry and your simple "shhh" of love and comfort would sooth them right back to sleep?Remember how adorable they looked when they took that first big yawn?Can you remember?

Now imagine strangers swooping in and gobbling up your child.They're brought backup - more family members along.You're pushed to the far corners of the room, feeling like a ghost in the room.You watch all their happiness flood in as your sadness creeps out.You don't know if you can go through with it anymore.You don't want to leave your baby - you need them and you feel in your heart that they need you.But you don't dare say anything.How dare you give a couple 'false hope'.How dare you force them to place so much of their time and wishful thinking into you.How can you tell these people that you want your baby back?How can you tell the agency that you can't do it after they've told you over and over again to not go back on your word or past emotions based on fear.You feel like not only a bad person but a bad mother.You lose all sense of self, all sense of being.You lose faith in yourself and worse - faith in your relationship and bond between you and your own child.A lawyer comes in and takes you into a room.A few other people come - staring you down and helping the lawyer urge you to sign.The whole thing is a fog as you sign over your life to these people.Do you even have a choice at this point?You walk out of the hospital alone, tears dripping down your face, get in your car and drive home.That night - there is no baby, not a peep in the house. No cries for your engorged breasts which have filled with milk and ache to feed the baby you've left behind with the strangers.The next day you go out and nobody acknowledges your pain.Cheer up ! They all say.You'll get over it! They encourage blindly.At least your baby didn't die! They ignorantly push your pain aside.

Now come back. How does that feel?Look at the child you've birthed RIGHT now and imagine them not being there, imagine you feeling like you didn't have the choice, even when it was considered your choice. 

I ignore it though,all the time,everyday.Because I don't like to think these things and feel sad all the timenobody gets it.MY baby is gone.You don't think so? Ask Ap's who's baby they have. And they tell me to be happy?You fucking lose your baby and then tell me to be happy !You be happy about it after going through the loss and pain.I dare you.People tell me it was my choice, like thats supposed to make it easier.Let me tell you something - it doesn't.

And I'm supposed to just go, "Oh forget about me and my pain, I did what was BEST for my baby! I was so unselfish!"How? How was him leaving me what was best for him? How was him entering strangers arms what was best for him? Would it have been selfish if I had kept him? Would I have been the awful mother everyone made me feel like? No. I wouldn't have been.I have a beautiful, bright, amazing little girl who is 5 and I did it. We made it. When nobody believed in me. We struggled and we still are.. but I have her and she has me and we don't have her brother.

And now I'll close this back up and I'll act as if I've never suffered and that I'm not everyday. I'll wake up tomorrow with a smile and continue on with life just as everyone else has. And crying? Who does that? Crying doesn't exist.