Last night I had a dream that Tom came to visit me, all the way from Pennsylvania. He was with a group of friends. He called me when he was only a street over telling me to go outside. I was angry at him though. You can't text or call me before now?! I told him I was going to a birthday party and I couldn't invite other people and I told him to go watch a movie or go bowling or something... Blah, I guess this just goes to show how much I miss my best friend and how angry I still happen to be at him.
We stopped talking 12 days ago now... almost two weeks. He hasn't attempted to call or text me, go figure. He just doesn't care about me anymore. Whatever... I should be used to being abandoned by people.
Anyways, today I went to my mothers and Scott was supposed to meet me there with Lailah at 2.. but when I got there, she was already there. It sort of ticked me off to be honest but I ignored it. Then later on Lailah's Memere called my moms phone.... why not ME? You know, Lailah's Mother?! I really got upset then. Lailah told me that Scott went back to his base... okay, but you couldn't call or text me so I would know what was going on? Apparently this morning one of Lailah's grandparents called my mother saying, "Oh we forgot to bring Lailah by, come pick her up at the house, one of her aunts is there watching her." WHY couldn't anyone call ME, HER MOTHER?! Why wasn't I the person notified of this so that I could go pick her up?! That makes me so angry ! I hate not knowing where MY child is due to ignorance on the behalf of others. Like, seriously?! Nobody had the thought pass through their heads that they should call ME? Ugh.
On another note.... I wrote this on my fb earlier:
Some days I really miss Bennett. And it sucks because there is nothing I can do about it. I am envious of open adoptions. Envious that some Birthmothers can just phone their child's aparents and get pictures/updates/video date/ or even a visit on the spot. I am jealous that they found people who are so loving and understanding of the Birthmothers and believe in their hearts that their children deserve to know both families and that it only creates more love. But here I am - I send a text (all I can do) and I get responded to when its convenient for them, if they feel like it. I don't know what my little boy is doing today. I don't know if his tears are being hugged away or his smiles getting smiles returned. I don't know what toys he likes to play with or what crayon he likes to color with. Whenever I ask questions like these though I'm just told how great of a parent she is over and over with my questions unanswered. I just wish I could know more about the baby I brought into this world - my son- and loved far before and longer than they ever could have.
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