This morning I was dreaming about that job. I dreamed that I got an email saying, "Dear Rachael, You've got the job!! This position is open for you, when can you start?!"
Geeze, I really want this job.
I have no idea what I have planned yet today - it's only 10:40 am and I am normally sleeping. I might hang out with my cousin April today after going to my moms to help her either watch the kids so she can take my brother to his senior pics or take my brother to his senior pics. I'll update later.
Okay so today I went to my moms to help her out again. She took my brother to get his Senior pictures done. The daycare time drove me nuts and I couldn't wait to get out of there and get home to take a nap. I'm not going to talk about it! I eventually came home and got Lai to take a nap with me. :) We just woke up and I feel like I'm in a much better mood than I was before. My cousin April yesterday said that we should hang out but I texted her and got nothing back in return so... whatever.
Earlier today driving to my moms I was thinking of this little one inside of me, which flashed me back to my last pregnancy with Bennett. Then obviously the flashbacks of the placement. I then felt very sad and angry. I thought of the guy who got me pregnant and I was mad. I was mad that it ever happened and I was mad that I'm the one who has to feel the pain everyday. I felt like I wanted him to feel this loss and this pain as well. I want him to miss him too - but that is obviously the very farthest thing from what will ever happen. A guy like that? A guy who did that to me? He doesn't give a fuck, not a single care in the world for anyone but himself - not even a little innocent child who he partially created whether I like it or not. Am I alone in feeling this way? I don't want to be the only one who misses him, thinks of him, feels all the pain and torment that I do due to the relinquishment. I didn't want to get pregnant but once I was I wanted him because I knew it wasn't his fault at all, he was innocent in all of it. It just wasn't fair and I feel robbed, none of it was fair.
I've been getting Braxton hicks since 15 weeks. I am now 19 weeks and recently at night I've been getting them pretty frequently - every 40 mins to 2 hours. I told my nurse and she said to keep timing them and make sure they don't get closer together.
I drink a lot of water so I don't believe that's what could be causing it. I do have my history of early labor and I'm really hoping this isn't the start. I'm kind of really worried.
Tonight I was timing them and this is where they were: 8:05, 8:51, 10:27, and 11:19.
I called the on-call doctor out of my concern and she called and said that even if I were in labor there would be 'nothing' they could do about it. So just relax and hope for the best... she said only be concerned if they're every 5-10 mins. I'm really not liking that answer and it really scares me !
I just want our baby to be okay. :/ I can not handle another loss. If I lose this baby I don't know what I will do. :(
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