Why can things never work out as planned? It has to be one thing after the other, and it's never good things. I thought a couple weeks ago that everything was looking up, good things were falling into place, but I guess I was wrong.
After my wonderful u/s I ended up getting bhc all the time and having to go to ER. And after that interview - I never got contacted back. Every month my bank falls into the negatives and I get charged over $30 more for it and every month that money goes into my account it's less than the month before so then every month my bank falls deeper and deeper as well.
We have a baby coming and even though I want to be happy too much is making that feel impossible - also add into the fact I get flashback after flashback of Bennett's pregnancy, the placement, the after effects, and the nightmares.
Right now I just don't even FEEL like being happy. I feel like being happy takes a certain amount of energy which I don't even have and if I did have it I wouldn't want to use it all up in a short burst and then tumble back down to my pit of depression that I'm in tonight. I instinctively want to feel angry because I've always seemed to cover up my sadness, struggles, pain - etc, with anger and frustration. Not that it's been better that way but I don't feel as weak. Being pregnant makes me not want to be angry, mad, or frustrated though - it just makes me want to cry and cry and cry all the time. I could get angry and mad but it won't change anything and it also requires energy - at least without the tumbling back down afterwards though. I just want to cry and sleep forever to forget all of this. I feel it's a never ending battle that I will never get out of.
Sleep please.
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