Today I woke up and spent some time with my Justin honey before he made me some yummy waffles ! Numnumnum.
I then signed onto facebook and got lead to a page called "Voices for adoption".
The page owner posted this questions:
"Why even use adoption as an option if you are going to spend your life making blogs & posts like this?"
Like this meaning - upset or angry about adoption.
I answered back like this:
Walking into adoption I didn't know what I was getting myself into - as a birthmother. You ask -" Why even use adoption as an option if you are going to spend you life making blogs & posts like this?" My answer is simple. Because this "option" many of us didn't know much about. We were maybe scared, alone, worried about our baby... and out of the love for our child we called an agency. When I called the agency I knew nothing about adoption at all and I trusted the agency to give me to low down and tell me about adoption, but they did not. I did not know about everything I know now. I didn't know that my lawyer was going to lie to me on behalf of the agency and adoptive parents. I didn't know that the agency would lie to me to make their profits off my baby. I didn't know that the 'contract' I signed wasn't a legal contract and instead that it was pretty much meaningless since it was only 'morally binding'. They told me it was legal and the 'rights' I would get if I signed and agreed to it, I did. That was all lies. I was told that I would have help and counseling from the agency after placement - that was also a lie. I called them a few months after placement and I was told to "get over it and move on". My sons parents swooped in the hospital and gobbled up my child, making me feel like a stranger. They made promises to me (before signing) that they "took back" as soon as I signed my relinquishment papers. They promised that my daughter would be able to meet my son, they lied - they took him out of state without so much as a call or a text or a letter, nothing. They took him and I never got to see him again in person. I get pictures 1x a month (if I ask and if they decide to answer). We talk very briefly as well while she is (the amom) is sending the pictures. Usually between 1-5 photos, through text). I didn't know this was what adoption would be like.. and if I knew I would be walking on eggshells worrying about my adoption being closed and never knowing my son, I would never have placed at all.
Then I was talking to another poster about how when Pap's want a baby they fundraise... and people are all gungho and supportive of it, even knowing they can not afford it. They help them out, buying whatever the Pap's are selling... throwing money at them left and right. But when it's a pregnant single mother then she is told that she could not be a good enough mother due to money issues.
The poster also mentioned how someone else previously mentioned that the expectant mother, " or she's "not ready to be a parent" because of "selfishness, immaturity and poverty""
And So I said this in return:
" I had my daughter at 18... living with my parents, a job where I barely made much money at all, and being 18 - well, I was still growing up. Was I selfish to keep my own child? - some may say "Absolutely". But she is 5 years old now... and when I look her her bright smiling face each morning I know that I did something right. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but keeping her and fighting for her has not been one of them. We have struggled, majorly struggled. But does any of that matter to her? No ! What matters to her is that I love her, that I cuddle her, that I read to her every night before bed. That is what matters to her. Does it matter the amount of toys she has or if they're top brand and electrical? No ! Because shes 5 and most of her favorite things to do is play "cashier" where she pretends to "scan" every item in the house... or yard sale, where she just pretend to "sell" every item in the house. She doesn't "play" with the toys she does have most of the time.. not in the sense of how they're meant to be played with. She's five ! The zoo, the park, the beach... she'd rather be there anyday! And when it's winter... she'd rather be out in the snow. My little one is kind, compassionate, understanding, bright, empathetic, and the most loving human I have ever met. And if someone wants to tell me I "was not ready to parent", I'd tell them to meet my little girl and then say it to my face, because they are dead wrong."
One day I do hope adoption changes.. but until then I guess I'm going to have to keep taking it one day at a time, hoping for the best one day. Hoping my son will want to know who I am and have a relationship one day. Hope that he knows I just wanted to do what I was told was best for him.
Later in the day: The page owner posted that she would like for everyone to have respect for each other and different views.
My response:
" I understand, unfortunately where there is pain there is typically mental blocks and emotional barriers set up. And where there is happiness there is quite the same of protective coping mechanisms. Some people joyous in adoption may not want to or care to see the negative or harmful sides of it, blocking it out or trying to negate it. But there is the other end of the spectrum where there is the pain and the hurt and some of those people may not want to or care to see the positive sides of adoption because their pain is too difficult to see through, they can't even begin to imagine happiness revolving adoption. I find that the problem usually results when one another get offended by the happy or negative stories and try to shoot each other down, tell each other they are 'wrong' without that personal experience, or they try to shove their own experiences and beliefs down one another's' throats without stopping to understand what the other party in the conversation is really trying to say. Sometimes each party will come back with a message that is totally irrelevant to the original post, just because of those mental blocks or emotional barriers. They don't want their walls broken down. If a happy persons walls are broken down that could allow the sadness, anger, or frustrations to seep in and they don't want that to happen. And vise versa - when someone is angry or hurt - they probably can't even imagine trying to let those walls down because it's overwhelming and it's frightening, etc. Do you understand what I mean? And not everyone is like this - I can't speak for everyone, obviously. Some people can see both sides and say, "Yeah there are great adoptions, that's wonderful ! It worked and everyone is happy, adoption was a blessing." but can also say, "Yeah there are awful adoptions, it's really unfortunate and adoption could use changing. There is a lot that can be done to help BETTER adoptions from where it is now so that MORE people could experience better adoption experiences. Let's think about doing this or changing that." You know? This is just based on my own personal observations and views."
Personally I feel adoption CAN work... for those people who decide to MAKE it work. Maybe a wonderful and compassionate couple decides to keep whatever relationship is comfortable for the birthmother and themselves and the child, and can make it work ! But not because of the agency or because of adoption, but because they CHOOSE to.
But then again there is nothing that makes adoption work, other than people wanting to make it work. So if a birthfamily comes across a couple who has their own motives, adoption won't work and there is nothing that makes it have to work on behalf of everyone involved either. In some states there is legal adoption contracts made.. but that also may not 'work' knowing that a birthfamily may not be able to afford a lawyer and the necessary money to fight for those rights to their placed child. In these scenarios, adoption needs a reform. In my personal opinion, money needs to be taken out of adoptions and couples need a better understanding of compassion and empathy for the birthfamily's pain, prior to getting involved in an adoption placement.
No comments:
Post a Comment