Today Justin and I drove down to a BBQ in NY. It was almost a 3 hr drive. At first I was really nervous to go and even when I got the the house, I was petrified to go up to the backyard where the BBQ was held.
But I'm glad I did. I'm so glad that I went. We met wonderful people there and it was great. I had fun and it was also helpful for me talking to people who can understand and be comforting.
Joe was at the BBQ and so was a woman named Victoria who goes to chats with us. There was another woman there - another natural mother. It was really nice. I enjoyed my time there - which was about 5 hours !
We talked about some adoption things and some off topic, random things. I talked about Lailah too. :)
During the time I was there though I was triggered to cry - which I would NOT let myself do in front of people. I ended up having to look the other way and distract my mind by folding a paper towel and keeping my hands busy. I was triggered after asking Joe about the trauma I've suffered by losing my son. I was talking about how recently old fears (mostly fear of the dark) has been resurfacing and about how I've been feeling this fear of losing myself - like I'm 'fading out' and that I'll wake back up and I'd have messed something up and something terrible happened.
Joe explained that trauma is probably causing the resurfacing of the fear of the dark fear. He also explained that the reason I probably feel as if I'm going to lose myself, black out, act out, come back, and something bad will have happened is because - that's pretty much exactly what had already happened and when I came back - I had lost my child, my baby, my son.
During this he noticed I was distracting my mind by using the paper towel in my hands and asked me why I did that and if I was okay. I explained that I was trying to distract my mind. When he asked me what emotion was behind the energy of playing with the paper towel - I felt all my pain and sadness creep in. I couldn't let them see me fall apart though. I couldn't let them see inside of me and all the pain I hold within.
Why? Idk? Past conditioning? It makes me feel weak. I know that it truly doesn't make me weak at all but I guess it's something I was taught that I need to now unteach myself. Something I will need to work on.
Overall? Good day - although Lailah is camping with her Memere and Papa and I miss her so much ! <3
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Surprised yet not so surprised.
I just got a call from Lailah's father...
He apparently decided to take a civilian job down in NC, which means he's not coming home AT ALL for at least the next year.
I shouldn't be surprised. But dude, you just got out of the military after 5 years and you don't decide to come home to your kid? Whatever. I'm guessing that it's due to his gf living down there.
So.. now I guess we go to court... rather, I go to court. And everything will go uncontested and I will get everything I want. I will have full custody over Lailah and get the child support that I should from him.
Sort of a surprise to me after the way he was acting last time we talked but then again - this is Scott we are talking about, he has barely been there a day since Lailah's been born.
He apparently decided to take a civilian job down in NC, which means he's not coming home AT ALL for at least the next year.
I shouldn't be surprised. But dude, you just got out of the military after 5 years and you don't decide to come home to your kid? Whatever. I'm guessing that it's due to his gf living down there.
So.. now I guess we go to court... rather, I go to court. And everything will go uncontested and I will get everything I want. I will have full custody over Lailah and get the child support that I should from him.
Sort of a surprise to me after the way he was acting last time we talked but then again - this is Scott we are talking about, he has barely been there a day since Lailah's been born.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Adoption progress.
Yesterday I feel as if I found success.
A girl in a first mothers group I am in mentioned a page/fb group called Pregnant Help Now.
On the webpage you could certainly tell that the owners are pro-life and they seemed to glorify adoption.
On their page for abortion:
"We know that abortion is not an easy decision and some people will try to persuade you to go through with it, even if you don't want to. Before you decide to have an abortion, it is very important to educate yourself on what exactly abortion procedures are and what they do. Read about the procedure yourself. Watch videos. Listen to the stories of women who have gone through with abortion procedures. It is also important to consider what science has to say about human development and pregnancy. You can see the process of pre-natal development at pregnancy.com People are right when they say abortion is a major decision, and like all major decisions you should take the time to really think about what that choice is going to mean not only for you, but for your unborn child. The most important thing to remember is that no matter what they say, NO ONE can force you into having an abortion. The following is a description of a typical abortion procedure." *included video of procedure*
So I posted on their page:
I'm wondering why this isn't on your page for adoption:
We know that adoption is not an easy decision and some people will even persuade you to go through with it, even if you don't want to. Before you decide to do adoption, it is very important for you to educate yourself on what exactly adoption procedures are and what they do. Read about the process yourself. Watch videos. Listen to the stories of women who have gone through with placing their child for adoption. It is also important to consider what psychology has to say about the impact it has on the emotional and mental well being of mothers and the child. People are right when they say adoption is a major decision, and like all major decisions you should take the time to really think about what that choice is going to mean for not only you, but for your unborn child. The most important thing to remember is that no matter what they say, NO ONE can force you into choosing adoption. The following is a description of a typical adoption process." *Include video of a few natural mothers and a few adoptees explaining the lifelong loss and grief on both sides, the identity development and self esteem issues/sealed adoption and birth certificates/records for the adoptee, the lack of the genetic/medical background for the adoptee, the high diagnosis of RAD in adoptees, the PTSD diagnosis in natural mothers, the anxiety in natural mothers, and the 40% chance of secondary infertility post placement in natural mothers.*
I struck a nerve with a few pro-lifers - I don't blame them, I was prolife literally up until - well, probably this pregnancy to tell you the truth. Because I know adoption and I could never do it again. But anyways - I got great feedback from the owner of the page! Who invited me to write my own adoption page for them - complete with all adoption related information and research. I mentioned it to a fellow firstmother, Roni, who is going to help me brainstorm and write something up for them. The page said that if it is appropriate (which it will be), then they will post it onto their site asap. :D She then personally messaged me giving me some information she would like me to include (all good stuff) - and among them another fellow firstmothers blog! (who is also in a group I am in) This is progress ! This is getting our word out there, one supporter at a time!
On another note: Today I met with my friend Amanda, who is also a natural mother. :) Her daughter was placed 8 years ago. We met up, her, her husband, Lai, and I... and we got Friendly's and then we went mini golfing. Where Amanda taught Lailah how to cheat :p hahahaha.
On the webpage you could certainly tell that the owners are pro-life and they seemed to glorify adoption.
On their page for abortion:
"We know that abortion is not an easy decision and some people will try to persuade you to go through with it, even if you don't want to. Before you decide to have an abortion, it is very important to educate yourself on what exactly abortion procedures are and what they do. Read about the procedure yourself. Watch videos. Listen to the stories of women who have gone through with abortion procedures. It is also important to consider what science has to say about human development and pregnancy. You can see the process of pre-natal development at pregnancy.com People are right when they say abortion is a major decision, and like all major decisions you should take the time to really think about what that choice is going to mean not only for you, but for your unborn child. The most important thing to remember is that no matter what they say, NO ONE can force you into having an abortion. The following is a description of a typical abortion procedure." *included video of procedure*
So I posted on their page:
I'm wondering why this isn't on your page for adoption:
We know that adoption is not an easy decision and some people will even persuade you to go through with it, even if you don't want to. Before you decide to do adoption, it is very important for you to educate yourself on what exactly adoption procedures are and what they do. Read about the process yourself. Watch videos. Listen to the stories of women who have gone through with placing their child for adoption. It is also important to consider what psychology has to say about the impact it has on the emotional and mental well being of mothers and the child. People are right when they say adoption is a major decision, and like all major decisions you should take the time to really think about what that choice is going to mean for not only you, but for your unborn child. The most important thing to remember is that no matter what they say, NO ONE can force you into choosing adoption. The following is a description of a typical adoption process." *Include video of a few natural mothers and a few adoptees explaining the lifelong loss and grief on both sides, the identity development and self esteem issues/sealed adoption and birth certificates/records for the adoptee, the lack of the genetic/medical background for the adoptee, the high diagnosis of RAD in adoptees, the PTSD diagnosis in natural mothers, the anxiety in natural mothers, and the 40% chance of secondary infertility post placement in natural mothers.*
I struck a nerve with a few pro-lifers - I don't blame them, I was prolife literally up until - well, probably this pregnancy to tell you the truth. Because I know adoption and I could never do it again. But anyways - I got great feedback from the owner of the page! Who invited me to write my own adoption page for them - complete with all adoption related information and research. I mentioned it to a fellow firstmother, Roni, who is going to help me brainstorm and write something up for them. The page said that if it is appropriate (which it will be), then they will post it onto their site asap. :D She then personally messaged me giving me some information she would like me to include (all good stuff) - and among them another fellow firstmothers blog! (who is also in a group I am in) This is progress ! This is getting our word out there, one supporter at a time!
On another note: Today I met with my friend Amanda, who is also a natural mother. :) Her daughter was placed 8 years ago. We met up, her, her husband, Lai, and I... and we got Friendly's and then we went mini golfing. Where Amanda taught Lailah how to cheat :p hahahaha.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Hormones? I hope.
Today started off okay. I got up around 10, we got Dunkin Donuts for breakfast before going to my doctors apt to get my progesterone shot. Which I hate. The injection isn't what is bad - it's the medication, it stings like a bitch! Honestly, it's awful.
After that I brought Lailah to the zoo with Justin which was alright. I felt sad for Bahee - the gibbon, because recently his mate Gloria has passed away. Bahee was very very sad and he was staring into a mirror, looking at himself. You could tell he was lonely and filled with grief and pain. I wanted to jump in and soothe him for his loss. Last year they also sent his baby Mason away to another zoo. :( So, I can only imagine the pain he is feeling.
Recently I been finding myself very frustrated with Justin. I love him to death but he is driving me fucking nuts. He just doesn't seem to think about me and it makes me sad. For instance: The other day my dad set off the 3rd bug bomb. Justin called me later that night by using a store phone asking me if the house was safe to enter yet. I responded that it was and asked him if he could open all the windows to let it air out since the chemicals are unsafe for the baby. He completely ignored me after saying it was safe apparently because he didn't open even ONE window.Then a couple days later he brought home an ipod touch which he said his friend was "selling" to him. For $200 ! We are broke with a baby on the way ! We don't even have a crib/bassinet or diapers or even clothes for that matter ! We only have about 15 weeks left and he's spending money on gadgets! Are you kidding me ! Then today without even ASKING me, he went and started downloading a bunch of songs/movies on my laptop for his ipod which he told me he was going to return to his friend... the ipod he's had for a whole... 3days? I am frustrated and angry and I feel like shouting, fuck it ! I do not do well under pressure, especially if I feel that my feelings are NOT being thought about or taken into consideration!
Now he's being pissy and grumpy and YES I can tell ! It's making me even more angry and I feel like I can about boil over at any point and lose my marbles. Yes, possibly all of them !
I just remembered that Scott is leaving the military this month and I am fucked. Like seriously fucked. I will no longer be getting child support and I don't have a job at the moment. I can not get by. I need a job like, asap. If I don't have a job then I can't support this baby and I am fucked. I won't be able to buy anything for baby, nevermind afford my car insurance, cell phone, and every other bill I have. I can't even do this. I hae no way to get through. I have to get a job like, yesterday.
After that I brought Lailah to the zoo with Justin which was alright. I felt sad for Bahee - the gibbon, because recently his mate Gloria has passed away. Bahee was very very sad and he was staring into a mirror, looking at himself. You could tell he was lonely and filled with grief and pain. I wanted to jump in and soothe him for his loss. Last year they also sent his baby Mason away to another zoo. :( So, I can only imagine the pain he is feeling.
Recently I been finding myself very frustrated with Justin. I love him to death but he is driving me fucking nuts. He just doesn't seem to think about me and it makes me sad. For instance: The other day my dad set off the 3rd bug bomb. Justin called me later that night by using a store phone asking me if the house was safe to enter yet. I responded that it was and asked him if he could open all the windows to let it air out since the chemicals are unsafe for the baby. He completely ignored me after saying it was safe apparently because he didn't open even ONE window.Then a couple days later he brought home an ipod touch which he said his friend was "selling" to him. For $200 ! We are broke with a baby on the way ! We don't even have a crib/bassinet or diapers or even clothes for that matter ! We only have about 15 weeks left and he's spending money on gadgets! Are you kidding me ! Then today without even ASKING me, he went and started downloading a bunch of songs/movies on my laptop for his ipod which he told me he was going to return to his friend... the ipod he's had for a whole... 3days? I am frustrated and angry and I feel like shouting, fuck it ! I do not do well under pressure, especially if I feel that my feelings are NOT being thought about or taken into consideration!
Now he's being pissy and grumpy and YES I can tell ! It's making me even more angry and I feel like I can about boil over at any point and lose my marbles. Yes, possibly all of them !
I just remembered that Scott is leaving the military this month and I am fucked. Like seriously fucked. I will no longer be getting child support and I don't have a job at the moment. I can not get by. I need a job like, asap. If I don't have a job then I can't support this baby and I am fucked. I won't be able to buy anything for baby, nevermind afford my car insurance, cell phone, and every other bill I have. I can't even do this. I hae no way to get through. I have to get a job like, yesterday.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Outcast.
I miss my best friend more than anything in the world right now. More than my bud, more than drinking, more than anything. I miss Bennett but in a total different way than my best friend.
I feel like I've lost him for good and he's never coming back and it kills me inside.
He was like a part of me - literally, my best friend. I am hurting and I am grieving and I wish he cared. How could he not care?
Today I went to the healing chat and it's filled with Adoptees which is great. But they all talk about their pasts because their pasts are adoption related and it's necessary for their healing which is wonderful for them and I'm happy they can heal.. But for me it triggers my past and my pain and I feel like I can't bring it up because it would be throwing in their face that I wasn't adopted.
I hate my past and how I grew up and it hurts. Sometimes I feel sad that I don't have another family out there somewhere that might love me more than my family does. I don't have any second chances. I have my family and I have to live with that. I can't blame the abuse I've gone through on people who really were never my family to begin with and live in peace with the idea that another family would have treated me better if they were able to keep me. I have to live with the fact that my REAL mom and my REAL dad were the ways they were to me. That's it. I can't have a do-over with any other family who may or may not take me in and accept me.
I am so sad that I was force fed as a kid - getting a tube shoved down my nose into my stomach. I'm angry that my parents never cared to know or prevent against what was happening to me. I am sad that after those feeding treatments I was locked up in a white room that only opened by a buzzer on the outside - that I was was practically treated as a prisoner locked up in solitary confinement.
I feel like my mom never wanted me and she has admitted to me many times that she wasn't ready for me and that it never was like I was her child. She told me that when Moe came along she finally had to step up and become a mother and with me she didn't so she never learned to with me. Which only makes me feel like she didn't care to - because she did know how for Moe and Brian, but not me.
She's always told me I was adopted even though I'm not. Because she could never love me like I were her own. She's blamed it on so many things - my hair color, the fact I'm skinnier, my acne - anything she could pick out about me to prove I was the black sheep. Granted now my mom and I are working on our relationship - but it's more like.. we're just people who know each other and sometimes do things for one another out of the feeling of obligation.
I also felt like an outcast growing up and I wish adoptees knew that they're not alone in that feeling. That I feel that way too and I wasn't adopted.
I feel like I've lost him for good and he's never coming back and it kills me inside.
He was like a part of me - literally, my best friend. I am hurting and I am grieving and I wish he cared. How could he not care?
Today I went to the healing chat and it's filled with Adoptees which is great. But they all talk about their pasts because their pasts are adoption related and it's necessary for their healing which is wonderful for them and I'm happy they can heal.. But for me it triggers my past and my pain and I feel like I can't bring it up because it would be throwing in their face that I wasn't adopted.
I hate my past and how I grew up and it hurts. Sometimes I feel sad that I don't have another family out there somewhere that might love me more than my family does. I don't have any second chances. I have my family and I have to live with that. I can't blame the abuse I've gone through on people who really were never my family to begin with and live in peace with the idea that another family would have treated me better if they were able to keep me. I have to live with the fact that my REAL mom and my REAL dad were the ways they were to me. That's it. I can't have a do-over with any other family who may or may not take me in and accept me.
I am so sad that I was force fed as a kid - getting a tube shoved down my nose into my stomach. I'm angry that my parents never cared to know or prevent against what was happening to me. I am sad that after those feeding treatments I was locked up in a white room that only opened by a buzzer on the outside - that I was was practically treated as a prisoner locked up in solitary confinement.
I feel like my mom never wanted me and she has admitted to me many times that she wasn't ready for me and that it never was like I was her child. She told me that when Moe came along she finally had to step up and become a mother and with me she didn't so she never learned to with me. Which only makes me feel like she didn't care to - because she did know how for Moe and Brian, but not me.
She's always told me I was adopted even though I'm not. Because she could never love me like I were her own. She's blamed it on so many things - my hair color, the fact I'm skinnier, my acne - anything she could pick out about me to prove I was the black sheep. Granted now my mom and I are working on our relationship - but it's more like.. we're just people who know each other and sometimes do things for one another out of the feeling of obligation.
I also felt like an outcast growing up and I wish adoptees knew that they're not alone in that feeling. That I feel that way too and I wasn't adopted.
baby hiccups!
Baby got hiccups twice tonight for the first time! :) So exciting! S/he doesn't seem to like them too much and squirms/kicks around the whole time s/he has them lol! 22w4d
You can see the little bumps right beneath the rose and above the leaf. :) Then baby gets crazy. :p
Today I just spent the day with Justin and Lai, did some grocery shopping, took a nap, and didn't do very much of anything else.
I'm glad Justin was home for me to spend some time with him. <3 I miss him.
Today I just spent the day with Justin and Lai, did some grocery shopping, took a nap, and didn't do very much of anything else.
I'm glad Justin was home for me to spend some time with him. <3 I miss him.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Feeling sentences - adoption related.
I don't know exactly where to start but I'm going to just pick up whatever comes first to my mind.
Probably a lot of negative emotions tonight.
I feel sad because I don't have my son with me.
I feel angry because I feel everyone lied to me about what adoption is.
I feel disappointed that the others who pushed me towards adoption didn't know much about it themselves.
I feel mad that I was lied to by Bennett's Amom.
I feel betrayed because she lied to me.
I feel sad because sometimes I miss my own mom even though I have her in my life.
I feel sad because I miss my child.
I feel frustrated that Justin seems to have 'shut' his head off.
I feel annoyed at myself for how I've been short sometimes with Lailah.
I feel scared to be having this baby.
I feel scared that Bennett won't want to know me.
I feel petrified that a reunion would be triggering and too difficult.
I feel petrified that I might closeup and not be able to handle reuniting.
I feel guilty because I felt that I would lose everything and in turn he would have nothing and he deserved better than me.
I feel guilty that I let everyone get in my head and let them convince me I couldn't keep my baby.
I feel afraid that Bennett will hate me and never forgive me.
I feel sad that he doesn't know how much I love him.
I feel sad that I can't kiss him everyday.
I feel sad that Lailah and him won't grow up knowing each other.
I feel scared that even though I'm told he's cared for and happy that I truly have no idea.
I feel sad that my mom is like an adoption agency for dogs - gets them knocked up then sells their babies for profit.
Blah - I guess I wandered off and away from here, unable to do anymore feelings for tonight.
Shower and bed for me.
Probably a lot of negative emotions tonight.
I feel sad because I don't have my son with me.
I feel angry because I feel everyone lied to me about what adoption is.
I feel disappointed that the others who pushed me towards adoption didn't know much about it themselves.
I feel mad that I was lied to by Bennett's Amom.
I feel betrayed because she lied to me.
I feel sad because sometimes I miss my own mom even though I have her in my life.
I feel sad because I miss my child.
I feel frustrated that Justin seems to have 'shut' his head off.
I feel annoyed at myself for how I've been short sometimes with Lailah.
I feel scared to be having this baby.
I feel scared that Bennett won't want to know me.
I feel petrified that a reunion would be triggering and too difficult.
I feel petrified that I might closeup and not be able to handle reuniting.
I feel guilty because I felt that I would lose everything and in turn he would have nothing and he deserved better than me.
I feel guilty that I let everyone get in my head and let them convince me I couldn't keep my baby.
I feel afraid that Bennett will hate me and never forgive me.
I feel sad that he doesn't know how much I love him.
I feel sad that I can't kiss him everyday.
I feel sad that Lailah and him won't grow up knowing each other.
I feel scared that even though I'm told he's cared for and happy that I truly have no idea.
I feel sad that my mom is like an adoption agency for dogs - gets them knocked up then sells their babies for profit.
Blah - I guess I wandered off and away from here, unable to do anymore feelings for tonight.
Shower and bed for me.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Some annoyance, some excitement, some frustration - all rolled into a bunch.
Hm, haven't posted in a few days... what's new.
Well.. Lailah got head lice and I've still got to recheck her head tomorrow morning for the 3rd time. I also slept last night with my hair saturated in oil and vinegar... yuck. But it seems to have helped my hair be softer.. She apparently got it from my moms daycare.
Today we got to see baby ! Little Penguin was opening and closing his/her mouth the whole time with his/her hands up above his/her face !So cute. It was great ! <3 Little penguin was kicking around real well and looked healthy as could be. :D That makes me so happy and relieved ! Still team green ! No idea what baby is. :) Everyone has their own ideas. My moms husband's mother says boy. A few friends - Cassidy and Cecily say girl. Lailah says girl. Justin says boy.
Mouth open Mouth closed
LOL
My mom is going to teach me how to crochet ! Then I want to learn how to make things. I also want to learn how to sew eventually. :)
So far I've got the baby a carseat, a back/forth glider, some gender neutral outfits, some burp cloths, a couple knitted hats, and a highchair.
Next on my list is the co-sleeper, baby carrier - I'm thinking Maya wrap Ring Sling and an Infantino Mei Tai wrap, then start my collection of cloth diapers!
I went to play cards tonight and got 4th place - not bad. Got lucky a few times. While there there was this woman who I've known from there previously. I had her on facebook at one point... until she messaged me saying, "I gather you're keeping this one." About my pregnancy - you know, instead of a simple- "congratulations." I sort of went off on her. Then she had the audacity to tell me she knew how I felt since she has had an abortion. HA. Not even close to the same ! How dare she ! I ended up blocking her.
What am I? A goddamned baby factory for infertiles? Place once and now it's my fucking job?! How DARE I want to keep and parent MY OWN child, right?! And for the record - YES I wanted to keep Bennett. But adoption was a pushed topic during my pregnancy and everything I was told about it and led to believe about it was a LIE ! I just wanted what was BEST for my son , even if it meant not being what was best for ME. And that's still what this is about. I just want him to not feel angry at me or resentment because that would mean he feels pain. I want him to not feel empty or 'lost' or abandoned. Because that would mean he feels pain. And that's the last thing I want for him. I just want him to feel love, put very simply.
I placed to PROTECT him and adoption is what I was told would safely do just that, they lied.
Well.. Lailah got head lice and I've still got to recheck her head tomorrow morning for the 3rd time. I also slept last night with my hair saturated in oil and vinegar... yuck. But it seems to have helped my hair be softer.. She apparently got it from my moms daycare.
Today we got to see baby ! Little Penguin was opening and closing his/her mouth the whole time with his/her hands up above his/her face !So cute. It was great ! <3 Little penguin was kicking around real well and looked healthy as could be. :D That makes me so happy and relieved ! Still team green ! No idea what baby is. :) Everyone has their own ideas. My moms husband's mother says boy. A few friends - Cassidy and Cecily say girl. Lailah says girl. Justin says boy.
Mouth open Mouth closed
LOL
My mom is going to teach me how to crochet ! Then I want to learn how to make things. I also want to learn how to sew eventually. :)
So far I've got the baby a carseat, a back/forth glider, some gender neutral outfits, some burp cloths, a couple knitted hats, and a highchair.
Next on my list is the co-sleeper, baby carrier - I'm thinking Maya wrap Ring Sling and an Infantino Mei Tai wrap, then start my collection of cloth diapers!
I went to play cards tonight and got 4th place - not bad. Got lucky a few times. While there there was this woman who I've known from there previously. I had her on facebook at one point... until she messaged me saying, "I gather you're keeping this one." About my pregnancy - you know, instead of a simple- "congratulations." I sort of went off on her. Then she had the audacity to tell me she knew how I felt since she has had an abortion. HA. Not even close to the same ! How dare she ! I ended up blocking her.
What am I? A goddamned baby factory for infertiles? Place once and now it's my fucking job?! How DARE I want to keep and parent MY OWN child, right?! And for the record - YES I wanted to keep Bennett. But adoption was a pushed topic during my pregnancy and everything I was told about it and led to believe about it was a LIE ! I just wanted what was BEST for my son , even if it meant not being what was best for ME. And that's still what this is about. I just want him to not feel angry at me or resentment because that would mean he feels pain. I want him to not feel empty or 'lost' or abandoned. Because that would mean he feels pain. And that's the last thing I want for him. I just want him to feel love, put very simply.
I placed to PROTECT him and adoption is what I was told would safely do just that, they lied.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Healing
Today I had my monthly check up. I've gained 6 lbs in the past month - doctor said it was a bit much but that it's good for me.. I've gained 15 lbs since finding out. Baby's heartbeat was in 140's as it's been for a while now. Everything else looks good. She checked me for dilation due to the braxton hicks but that looks good too. I have an U/s scheduled for Friday to check the measurements of my cervix. Hoping to get a picture!
Now... I feel what's coming next is very important for me AND Justin before baby comes...
I found an adoption healing group the other day and decided to post. I was then invited to join a healing chatroom that takes place at night. The owner of the groups name is Joe and he seems to have dedicated his life to adoption healing. He is an adoptee and he has also worked with natural mothers. He has written books on adoption healing for the adoptee and natural mothers who have loss from adoption. He is also a psychotherapist. So today I entered. A lot of the time I switched back and forth between 3 emotions - Anger, Sadness, and Numb.
Maybe numb isn't an emotion, is it?
I felt anger at adoption. I felt anger at feeling loss of control.
I felt sadness for everyone involved. I felt sadness for the relationships broken. I felt sad for the hurting of others. I felt sad for my own loss. I felt sad for my son. I felt sad that I felt I had no choices.
I felt numb because I felt like I was every adoptees mother. I felt numb because feeling would have tortured me. I felt numb because Bennett is one of them.
I felt like I was and am at fault - even though I'm told it's not my fault.
I wrote this in chat about emotions:
I see it as building a wall... the emotions are just a river that you could handle a little at a time even though it feels overwhelming and frightening because rivers are big... but the taller you build the wall to prevent against the river water coming in... the more the water builds up until it becomes an ocean you're attempting to prevent against drowning in... if you let the wall down a little at a time you can work on handling the water - each emotion slowly while pacing yourself... but letting the whole wall down feels impossible to do and it's frightening to even imagine working on letting any in in fear the whole thing will break down.
He also invited me to an Adoption BBQ on the 31st of this month - the location is 3 hours away. I think I'm going to talk to my mom about it or someone that may possibly be able to watch Lailah and have Justin take it off work and go up there. It could be helpful, who knows.
Now... I feel what's coming next is very important for me AND Justin before baby comes...
I found an adoption healing group the other day and decided to post. I was then invited to join a healing chatroom that takes place at night. The owner of the groups name is Joe and he seems to have dedicated his life to adoption healing. He is an adoptee and he has also worked with natural mothers. He has written books on adoption healing for the adoptee and natural mothers who have loss from adoption. He is also a psychotherapist. So today I entered. A lot of the time I switched back and forth between 3 emotions - Anger, Sadness, and Numb.
Maybe numb isn't an emotion, is it?
I felt anger at adoption. I felt anger at feeling loss of control.
I felt sadness for everyone involved. I felt sadness for the relationships broken. I felt sad for the hurting of others. I felt sad for my own loss. I felt sad for my son. I felt sad that I felt I had no choices.
I felt numb because I felt like I was every adoptees mother. I felt numb because feeling would have tortured me. I felt numb because Bennett is one of them.
I felt like I was and am at fault - even though I'm told it's not my fault.
I wrote this in chat about emotions:
I see it as building a wall... the emotions are just a river that you could handle a little at a time even though it feels overwhelming and frightening because rivers are big... but the taller you build the wall to prevent against the river water coming in... the more the water builds up until it becomes an ocean you're attempting to prevent against drowning in... if you let the wall down a little at a time you can work on handling the water - each emotion slowly while pacing yourself... but letting the whole wall down feels impossible to do and it's frightening to even imagine working on letting any in in fear the whole thing will break down.
He also invited me to an Adoption BBQ on the 31st of this month - the location is 3 hours away. I think I'm going to talk to my mom about it or someone that may possibly be able to watch Lailah and have Justin take it off work and go up there. It could be helpful, who knows.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Adoption loss
Today I got caught up in the adoption world and found myself feeling trapped there. I chatted with quite a few adoptees and got their points of views Not that I really enjoyed it.. but maybe it was necessary. It wasn't too bad... just made me hurt inside over my loss of Bennett. I wish I could be there for him, I wish I could hear his laugh everyday, I wish I could kiss away his tears, I wish I could teach him more words to say, I wish I could teach him how to do the jungle gyms at the parks and how to do front rolls and cartwheels. I wish I knew he was safe and protected just by seeing it for myself. But I can't. I can't do any of that.
Adoptees seem to feel like just because a woman gave birth and lost her child to adoption that she has an obligation to that child for the rest of her life - no matter the emotions or feelings it gives her. No matter if it eats away at her and makes her become or feel suicidal. She has that obligation to her child no matter what, not the aparents, the natural parents - especially the mother.
That really got to me and it hurt... why? Because I did what was best for my son or what I felt and was told was best for him... and now I have to constantly stay broken inside, injured, hurt - I can't heal this wound because healing would mean 'closing' and closing could create ignoring and forgetting... which I can't do. I have to remember and I have to be here for him for if he ever decides to reunite. I guess its not too much different than how I feel about Lailah but the big thing is is that, she is here with me - he is not. And I know, I know - it wasn't his choices. But he has his aparents and Lailah only has ME.
Imagine if you cut your skin open and deep. You must get stitches to heal. for weeks, months - the pain is still raw and fresh. Nothing you can do will shield you from the pain of the wound healing. But then eventually it heals and you start forgetting. You start living normally and you can pretend it never happened. Every day goes by and you don't waste a thought on the wound you acquired months/years ago. You've healed.
I fear that if I heal that this is what will happen - I will start living normally and pretend that it never happened. That I won't have any more thoughts about it or him. It scares me to death - I don't want to become one of those moms, so I feel that I can't heal. That I must continue this pain - for him.
I get thoughts like:
What if he feels abandoned? What if he feels sad? What if he feels left out? What if he feels lost? What if he feels as if he doesn't belong where he is? What if he feels like he doesn't know who he is? What if things happen to him in his life that I could have prevented otherwise?
It will be all my fault.
Adoptees seem to feel like just because a woman gave birth and lost her child to adoption that she has an obligation to that child for the rest of her life - no matter the emotions or feelings it gives her. No matter if it eats away at her and makes her become or feel suicidal. She has that obligation to her child no matter what, not the aparents, the natural parents - especially the mother.
That really got to me and it hurt... why? Because I did what was best for my son or what I felt and was told was best for him... and now I have to constantly stay broken inside, injured, hurt - I can't heal this wound because healing would mean 'closing' and closing could create ignoring and forgetting... which I can't do. I have to remember and I have to be here for him for if he ever decides to reunite. I guess its not too much different than how I feel about Lailah but the big thing is is that, she is here with me - he is not. And I know, I know - it wasn't his choices. But he has his aparents and Lailah only has ME.
Imagine if you cut your skin open and deep. You must get stitches to heal. for weeks, months - the pain is still raw and fresh. Nothing you can do will shield you from the pain of the wound healing. But then eventually it heals and you start forgetting. You start living normally and you can pretend it never happened. Every day goes by and you don't waste a thought on the wound you acquired months/years ago. You've healed.
I fear that if I heal that this is what will happen - I will start living normally and pretend that it never happened. That I won't have any more thoughts about it or him. It scares me to death - I don't want to become one of those moms, so I feel that I can't heal. That I must continue this pain - for him.
I get thoughts like:
What if he feels abandoned? What if he feels sad? What if he feels left out? What if he feels lost? What if he feels as if he doesn't belong where he is? What if he feels like he doesn't know who he is? What if things happen to him in his life that I could have prevented otherwise?
It will be all my fault.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Alone.
Not too much going on over here. Just relaxing, helping mom with her daycare, and caring for Lailah. The usual. Justin had yesterday and today off work so that made me very happy.<3 I loved being able to spend more time with him. Plus he spoils me :p He's walking to the ice cream shop down the street to get me and baby a milkshake! He's bringing Lai too since she loves going on little adventures. :)
Something else playing in my mind... I sent this to Tom a couple weeks ago:
I don't know if you're ignoring my texts or if your phone is off. But I want to apologize for freaking out and distancing from you. I wish I could explain so that you could understand what has been going on for me but I can't. And I wish I could know what it's all been like for you, but I guess I can't do that either. I am sorry for everything I've put you through and the pain I've caused you. I know that you hate feeling as if someone holds expectations towards you and I got into the habit of doing that and I'm sorry I made you feel hurt and/or uncomfortable. Bringing you pain was never my intention, you were always my best friend and meant the world to me. I never wanted anything but for you to always be in my life and for us to have each other through this journey of lifelong experiences. I have been missing you, I wouldn't be human if I didn't. You were in my life almost every day for 4 years and I grew attached to you. If we can somehow talk about things I am more receptive to it now that my initial hurt isn't overflowing. But overall, I'd just like to know you're okay.
Then I sent this poem: I wish you’d just tell me
by teradanielle
If there are things that need saying, why not just say them?
Do you think I’m going to turn away and leave you?
That’s not going to happen.
Do you think if you are angry I’m going to fall apart?
Do you think you need to protect my feelings too?
No, I just want the truth.
No need to be mean, no need to be harsh
I do have a heart, although it’s not what it once was
Be gentle if you can
But even anger is better than nothing
Don’t you know I love you just as you are?
No need for perfection
Please no more silences, don’t leave me to guess.
Each door that slams in my face
feels like another death
If you are angry, I say “you should be”
If you’re not, that’s okay too
Is it alright that I am?
Would you think less of me then?
All I want is to bridge this gap
You are my family, my heart
Tell me what do you need, what can I do?
If I could I’d heal this wound
for me and for you
He saw it last Weds but completely ignored my attempts. When I first noticed he seen it I was on my way to physical therapy and wanted to break down crying, but I didn't. I wanted to drown in the pain I was feeling but I felt I couldn't. I felt so sad and abandoned. I know that he probably felt abandoned by me but I told him that I would always come back, Always. He told me he would always be there, Always. He lied, I held up my side of the deal. I was truthful, he was not. And because of that - I am hurt. I am angry too but mostly hurt. I feel that the past 4 years have been a lie. I don't know what his motive was but I just feel lied to and hurt like I never meant anything to him, that our friendship was nothing. I wish I could just know but he won't talk to me. I feel like my whole life everyone has left me. And that the only people who have stayed and are still here are people who have always been deemed unhealthy for me. How are they so unhealthy if they're the only people still standing around me when I feel so alone? I fear the day Justin will leave me, that he will realize that I'm worthless and pathetic and that he can have and deserves so much more than me and what I could offer him as a person. I fear that one day he'll wake up just as Scott did and tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and that I mean nothing. I fear that one day I'll get upset and push him away as I do with my stupid defense mechanism, when I need him the most - and he'll walk away and won't even care to look back. I fear the day I am alone. Alone, with nobody around me but the voices in my head. Alone, with nothing but the sound of the cars passing by, filled with people who have a life that involves other people. Alone. On my own. People may remind me I have Lailah and this new baby and that maybe they will be there or maybe they will visit. But I am hoping that if I do a good enough job as their mother that they will embark into life on a journey to be the best people they can be. College, Peace Corps, getting the hell out of this small state, - whatever. That they will create families of their own and make something of themselves. That they won't be held down by pains of their pasts and they'll be free - free to take flight and leave the nest, which is home with me. I can't hold them back because of my selfishness or my own self-pity. I need them to be free and to be happy, even if that's not with me. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death and I want them in my life - but I also want them to be happy and free within their own lives and able to make their own choices.
Something else playing in my mind... I sent this to Tom a couple weeks ago:
I don't know if you're ignoring my texts or if your phone is off. But I want to apologize for freaking out and distancing from you. I wish I could explain so that you could understand what has been going on for me but I can't. And I wish I could know what it's all been like for you, but I guess I can't do that either. I am sorry for everything I've put you through and the pain I've caused you. I know that you hate feeling as if someone holds expectations towards you and I got into the habit of doing that and I'm sorry I made you feel hurt and/or uncomfortable. Bringing you pain was never my intention, you were always my best friend and meant the world to me. I never wanted anything but for you to always be in my life and for us to have each other through this journey of lifelong experiences. I have been missing you, I wouldn't be human if I didn't. You were in my life almost every day for 4 years and I grew attached to you. If we can somehow talk about things I am more receptive to it now that my initial hurt isn't overflowing. But overall, I'd just like to know you're okay.
Then I sent this poem: I wish you’d just tell me
by teradanielle
If there are things that need saying, why not just say them?
Do you think I’m going to turn away and leave you?
That’s not going to happen.
Do you think if you are angry I’m going to fall apart?
Do you think you need to protect my feelings too?
No, I just want the truth.
No need to be mean, no need to be harsh
I do have a heart, although it’s not what it once was
Be gentle if you can
But even anger is better than nothing
Don’t you know I love you just as you are?
No need for perfection
Please no more silences, don’t leave me to guess.
Each door that slams in my face
feels like another death
If you are angry, I say “you should be”
If you’re not, that’s okay too
Is it alright that I am?
Would you think less of me then?
All I want is to bridge this gap
You are my family, my heart
Tell me what do you need, what can I do?
If I could I’d heal this wound
for me and for you
He saw it last Weds but completely ignored my attempts. When I first noticed he seen it I was on my way to physical therapy and wanted to break down crying, but I didn't. I wanted to drown in the pain I was feeling but I felt I couldn't. I felt so sad and abandoned. I know that he probably felt abandoned by me but I told him that I would always come back, Always. He told me he would always be there, Always. He lied, I held up my side of the deal. I was truthful, he was not. And because of that - I am hurt. I am angry too but mostly hurt. I feel that the past 4 years have been a lie. I don't know what his motive was but I just feel lied to and hurt like I never meant anything to him, that our friendship was nothing. I wish I could just know but he won't talk to me. I feel like my whole life everyone has left me. And that the only people who have stayed and are still here are people who have always been deemed unhealthy for me. How are they so unhealthy if they're the only people still standing around me when I feel so alone? I fear the day Justin will leave me, that he will realize that I'm worthless and pathetic and that he can have and deserves so much more than me and what I could offer him as a person. I fear that one day he'll wake up just as Scott did and tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and that I mean nothing. I fear that one day I'll get upset and push him away as I do with my stupid defense mechanism, when I need him the most - and he'll walk away and won't even care to look back. I fear the day I am alone. Alone, with nobody around me but the voices in my head. Alone, with nothing but the sound of the cars passing by, filled with people who have a life that involves other people. Alone. On my own. People may remind me I have Lailah and this new baby and that maybe they will be there or maybe they will visit. But I am hoping that if I do a good enough job as their mother that they will embark into life on a journey to be the best people they can be. College, Peace Corps, getting the hell out of this small state, - whatever. That they will create families of their own and make something of themselves. That they won't be held down by pains of their pasts and they'll be free - free to take flight and leave the nest, which is home with me. I can't hold them back because of my selfishness or my own self-pity. I need them to be free and to be happy, even if that's not with me. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death and I want them in my life - but I also want them to be happy and free within their own lives and able to make their own choices.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Zoo and face painting
Yesterday was a good day. :) I was at my moms during the day but she was there too so it wasn't too stressful and then I brought Lailah to a doctors apt then we went to the zoo !
Lailah hated her apt. She had to have blood drawn and she screamed, 'I'm scared, it's going to hurt!' for like 10 mins, not even letting me bring her in. But eventually she did and she hated it, my poor little girl.
But later last night we met up with a girl I met in HS and her children at the zoo for the Breastfeeding awareness special occasion thingy. It was nice. :) Lailah and her oldest daughter had their faces painted. Lailah got a tiger and her daughter got a puppy. :) It was cute!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Lovely waiting room chat, no?
Today I went to the triage to receive my progesterone injection to prevent preterm labor. While in the waiting room a woman sat down next to me and started asking me questions about my pregnancy and my other children. I ended up telling her that I had placed my son at birth with a family (Which I rarely do but I can't handle people thinking I raise him when I don't). She then proceeded to passively attack me.
She was saying, "How can you keep some kids but get rid of him."
"He's going to grow up and hate you."
"Don't you get depressed and want to commit suicide?"
"What drove you to contact the agency? You should have never called."
"You should have gone to a homeless shelter - you don't know that they exist everywhere?!"
"This is going to mess your head up over the years and you'll feel a lot of guilt."
"I had a friend who had a child she gave up, she eventually committed suicide."
"A 'real mother' would do anything she needs to to keep her kids with her."
"Don't you hate yourself? I would hate myself if I were you."
"I hope you have a boy so that you can experience what you've been missing out on raising your son."
"I hope you have a boy so that your son you got rid of doesn't feel like you didn't want him just because he was the boy."
"You kept your firstborn at 18, you should have been able to keep him as well but you didn't try."
"You could have told your doctor and your doctor would have helped you."
"God is going to judge you."
Why thank you, thank you for helping me feel pathetic. Thank you for even trying to understand a little bit that it was never a walk in the park and that it's the hardest thing I've ever had to live through. Thanks for the reminder of all my fears. Thanks for being my entire subconscious over the past 2 years rolled into a single half hour.
Perfect happy dream slowly falling apart.
Last night I had a dream with Bennett in it. He was with me... he was in my moms daycare. We were sitting on a pool deck while the kids were in the pool. He appeared his age - 2, but he really wasn't, he was older. I was playing with him, playing patty cake, singing songs, teaching him things. It was wonderful and I felt like I had never lost him that this was the way things were supposed to be. About an hour before his aparents came to pick him up, the older side of him talked to me. He said, "Why are you so interested in me? Why do you show that I'm so much of an importance to you? Why do you give me all this attention? You're weird. You creep me out. I'm a baby and you're an adult. Only my parents look at me that way. Only my family loves me in such a way. You're practically a stranger." I wanted to shout from my heart, "Because I MADE you ! Because I created you inside of me and the bond that we share is one that can not be broken! Because I gave you life! I am your mother! And I miss you! You were supposed to be here with me!" I wanted to let him know and let it all pour out but I just sat staring at him, my heart sinking away. But I know the truth - 'we' don't share a bond and our bond WAS broken. 'I' share a bond with him, he shares a bond with his Afamily. I am not his 'mother', not anymore and I don't know if I ever will get the chance to be again. I made that choice no matter how much I wish I didn't, no matter the circumstances I was under, no matter what anyone else said to me, I did it. It was me.
I wasn't even afraid of his reaction, even reactions of "You are not my mother, I have a mother and a family, I don't need you!" - That wasn't even my fear. My fear was that his aparents would know I told him and they would close the adoption and I would NEVER see him again, through pictures or anything. That was my fear.
Later on in the dream I talked with my mom about how I couldn't tell him and that they wouldn't and that I was forced to creepily care about a child who has no idea why I care about him in such a close and mothering way. That I feel he would never understand how deeply I care about him or why and that I can't even tell him - for me, the bond hasn't broken.
I wasn't even afraid of his reaction, even reactions of "You are not my mother, I have a mother and a family, I don't need you!" - That wasn't even my fear. My fear was that his aparents would know I told him and they would close the adoption and I would NEVER see him again, through pictures or anything. That was my fear.
Later on in the dream I talked with my mom about how I couldn't tell him and that they wouldn't and that I was forced to creepily care about a child who has no idea why I care about him in such a close and mothering way. That I feel he would never understand how deeply I care about him or why and that I can't even tell him - for me, the bond hasn't broken.
Monday, August 5, 2013
very emotional night
Tonight I started wondering if I'm in the denial/anger part of grief. And I honestly feel I may be.
Tonight I feel very sad and I probably feel sad for many many reasons but my brain won't really fill me in. I feel so angry and hurt that I'm sad. I feel so abandoned that I feel sad. I feel so confused and worried that I feel sad. I just feel sad.
I don't like to feel this type of emotion, I don't like to allow it in. If I feel it, what if I get trapped? What if I get stuck here and I can't get out? What if I turn into a bubbling pit of depression and self pity? I can't do it. I can't allow it. If I allow myself to get down and depressed about adoption I will be weak, I have no control at all. I need to be stronger than that, I need to hold on.
The problem with that is is that I don't feel it could be done how I want it to. I am also afraid of closing up and ignoring the emotions to the point where I completely close up and then I won't be able to reunite with Bennett. That reuniting would be too triggered, too difficult - like it would be as if I had seen a ghost. Like someone gone for so long came back to life. Then I have to face the fact I moved forward without them and now here they are.. and my life has continued and maybe it shouldn't have?
I'm just going to ramble... random thoughts, might be cleansing.
I hate adoption. How can I face it? My adoption isn't even 'bad' but I can't even seem to handle it? I feel weak to adoption and that makes me hate it even more. I am weak because I can't get out. I could ignore it, sure - but where would that leave me? Not well off I would assume.
I want to keep pretending that he is their son and that I'm just a person on the outside sometimes taking a glimpse in.... but then that makes me feel like some type of strange creeper.
He is my baby though.... but he isn't, he is theirs. I love him though.... but they love him too. How could I have loved him so much to have left him there with strangers? How could I possibly have believed that was what was 'best' for him?!
I miss my bud and I miss my best friend. I want bud so bad right now so that I can hear these thoughts more objectively and not so personally. So I can hear them and work through them without having to feel all of this emotional pain and hurt. I want my best friend back and I literally feel like I am grieving over him. I miss him so much it hurts. How could he leave me? I mean... I left him but I've told him many times before that I will always be back, I told him to never believe me if I say I am going. I just need space. He's like... gone though. He doesn't care about me anymore. I mean nothing to him. I am easy to forget about and easy to move forward from. I just must not really matter that much at all.
Maybe I'm being forced to feel this due to Karma. Karma is making me feel what Bennett would feel. Maybe that's what all this about, I'm being punished.
I am so fucking emotional tonight and I don't even know the trigger.
Everything is just making me feel like I am weak and vulnerable.
Tonight I feel very sad and I probably feel sad for many many reasons but my brain won't really fill me in. I feel so angry and hurt that I'm sad. I feel so abandoned that I feel sad. I feel so confused and worried that I feel sad. I just feel sad.
I don't like to feel this type of emotion, I don't like to allow it in. If I feel it, what if I get trapped? What if I get stuck here and I can't get out? What if I turn into a bubbling pit of depression and self pity? I can't do it. I can't allow it. If I allow myself to get down and depressed about adoption I will be weak, I have no control at all. I need to be stronger than that, I need to hold on.
The problem with that is is that I don't feel it could be done how I want it to. I am also afraid of closing up and ignoring the emotions to the point where I completely close up and then I won't be able to reunite with Bennett. That reuniting would be too triggered, too difficult - like it would be as if I had seen a ghost. Like someone gone for so long came back to life. Then I have to face the fact I moved forward without them and now here they are.. and my life has continued and maybe it shouldn't have?
I'm just going to ramble... random thoughts, might be cleansing.
I hate adoption. How can I face it? My adoption isn't even 'bad' but I can't even seem to handle it? I feel weak to adoption and that makes me hate it even more. I am weak because I can't get out. I could ignore it, sure - but where would that leave me? Not well off I would assume.
I want to keep pretending that he is their son and that I'm just a person on the outside sometimes taking a glimpse in.... but then that makes me feel like some type of strange creeper.
He is my baby though.... but he isn't, he is theirs. I love him though.... but they love him too. How could I have loved him so much to have left him there with strangers? How could I possibly have believed that was what was 'best' for him?!
I miss my bud and I miss my best friend. I want bud so bad right now so that I can hear these thoughts more objectively and not so personally. So I can hear them and work through them without having to feel all of this emotional pain and hurt. I want my best friend back and I literally feel like I am grieving over him. I miss him so much it hurts. How could he leave me? I mean... I left him but I've told him many times before that I will always be back, I told him to never believe me if I say I am going. I just need space. He's like... gone though. He doesn't care about me anymore. I mean nothing to him. I am easy to forget about and easy to move forward from. I just must not really matter that much at all.
Maybe I'm being forced to feel this due to Karma. Karma is making me feel what Bennett would feel. Maybe that's what all this about, I'm being punished.
I am so fucking emotional tonight and I don't even know the trigger.
Everything is just making me feel like I am weak and vulnerable.
Sunday, August 4, 2013
What does that even mean?
Today I am not feeling well emotionally when I think of adoption.
I know - well, don't think of adoption.
But it's really not that easy... I feel adoption is a HUGE piece of who I am.
Adoption has become me.
I don't even think I could have avoided it.
How can someone see all the negative and bad in adoption and be happy about it and feel good about it?
How do others not see how wrong it all is? How do they not see that it's not about finding homes for children who need it - it's about finding womb-fresh babies for infertile couples who have money to give greedy agencies.
It really irks me the long term emotional effects and self esteem effects it has on women who have placed. They say things like, "It's the hardest thing to do - to give your child the best chances at life that they deserve."
What does that even mean?! Does that mean that your child didn't deserve their mother? Does it mean that struggling expectant mothers don't deserve their child? Does it mean that mothers who get state help or can't provide as much wealth to their child deprive them at chances in life? Does it mean that mothers who choose to parent their childs' child won't grow/ can't grow up to be successful? What exactly does mean? Can anyone explain this to me?
Does it mean that since I am not currently working and that I have a 5 year old to care for that I do not deserve this child I am creating inside of me and that a wealthy child deserves my child more? Does it mean that my child will be unhappy with me if I choose to parent?
It's all so strange though because my daughter is happy and healthy. She is content with the things she has and she always wants to help others who have less than she does, and we aren't even rich!
And you know what else is strange? I haven't received one picture or one video of Bennett that shows that he is provided with more than I've provided Lailah with or that he is better taken care of than I have taken care of Lailah. He is living a different life, certainly. But a better one? I don't think so.
I know - well, don't think of adoption.
But it's really not that easy... I feel adoption is a HUGE piece of who I am.
Adoption has become me.
I don't even think I could have avoided it.
How can someone see all the negative and bad in adoption and be happy about it and feel good about it?
How do others not see how wrong it all is? How do they not see that it's not about finding homes for children who need it - it's about finding womb-fresh babies for infertile couples who have money to give greedy agencies.
It really irks me the long term emotional effects and self esteem effects it has on women who have placed. They say things like, "It's the hardest thing to do - to give your child the best chances at life that they deserve."
What does that even mean?! Does that mean that your child didn't deserve their mother? Does it mean that struggling expectant mothers don't deserve their child? Does it mean that mothers who get state help or can't provide as much wealth to their child deprive them at chances in life? Does it mean that mothers who choose to parent their childs' child won't grow/ can't grow up to be successful? What exactly does mean? Can anyone explain this to me?
Does it mean that since I am not currently working and that I have a 5 year old to care for that I do not deserve this child I am creating inside of me and that a wealthy child deserves my child more? Does it mean that my child will be unhappy with me if I choose to parent?
It's all so strange though because my daughter is happy and healthy. She is content with the things she has and she always wants to help others who have less than she does, and we aren't even rich!
And you know what else is strange? I haven't received one picture or one video of Bennett that shows that he is provided with more than I've provided Lailah with or that he is better taken care of than I have taken care of Lailah. He is living a different life, certainly. But a better one? I don't think so.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Things Lailah says and does.:p 2012-2013 some 2010
Lailah's so persuasive
"Am I sleeping in your bed tonight or my bed tonight because YOU usually like it when I sleep in YOUR bed."
me: Be careful cuz if you spill my nailpolish I will be mad.
Lai: YOUR nailpolish *laughs
me: Yes... MY nail polish. I paid for it, did you pay for any of it?
lai: No. I don't have any money and I can't get a job because I'm just a kid !
Me : you are driving me nuts !
lai: Nuts?
Me: Yes ! Nuts !
lai: Nuts? Why yes I am......
Brian: Where did you get this Rachael? *patting Lailah on the head*
Lailah: From the petstore.
Haha, my kid.
Lailah: *wearing my stethoscope* How do you been?
Me: I don't been well.
Lailah: Good ! Does that mean you're good?
LOL
Lai: mom where we going after this? Ride around in circles?!
Me: yeah, with you on the roof.
Lai: *laughs - you don't even have tape to do that!
Lol
Today Lailah went to do a car wash for a foundation she's in called "follow your dreams". I was asking her how it went and she told me she washed three cars.
She then said, "And mommy we really were following our dreams!"
I said, "oh yeah? What's your dream?"
She replied "I was helping people! "
Awh I love her!
Earlier we played Skip-Bo with Lailah - with her it takes forever. So she was just whining that she wants to play again. I told her we will play again tomorrow.
So she kept whining, "I want to play again NOW."
So I sung, "You can't always get what you want."
So she sung back, "You can't either because you don't have enough moneeyyyyyyy !!"
-.-
Justin just got home from work and Lailah knows he goes to the bathroom as soon as he gets home so she ran and stood in front of the door.
Lai: Five bucks!
Justin: What? Five bucks?
Lai: In REAL MONEY !
Justin: What?! Do you take credit?
Lai: Nope! Only REAL money !
Justin: I'll give you real money, in tickle money ! *Starts tickling her*
Lai: Now you owe FOUR, SEVENTY BUCKS!
Me: Hun, you shouldn't have tickled her, she's upping the price!
Lai: Okay, I'll go to SEVENTY BUCKS, That's it !
Justin: Jeeze this kid should be a tax collector! LOL
So, I just want to tell everyone how blessed I am to have such a perfect little girl.
The other day she said something that really hurt my feelings. She knew it hurt my feelings too and when she realized it - she just walked out and went into the other room.
So later on... about 15 mins later she came back in and laid on me, hugging me. I told her my feelings were hurt from the things she said to me.
She apologized saying, "I'm sorry" - in a very concerned voice.
I told her how her words made me feel and how words can hurt people.
She told me that she didn't mean it and I told her that I know that but that the words still hurt.
We had a personal conversation about the situation (Which I won't get into). I explained to her my feelings and I asked her about her own feelings so that we could clear it all up and come to a mutual understanding.
When we finished, she apologized again in a very sincere manner.
I then told her how much I love her and how much she means to me and that I can't imagine my life without her in it. That even when she's at her Memere and Papas on weekends I miss her and I feel lost without her because I love her SO much.
She finished it off by hugging me hard and said, "Mommy I love you SOOO much, I love you wholeeee bunches !"
And my heart melted. I said, "I love you MORE !" and she said, "Well, I love you the MOST !" And we hugged it out.
How on Earth did I get blessed with this amazing, understanding, empathetic, bright, beautiful little girl?!
I was just finished reading Lailah her bedtime story when she started whining about having to go to bed. So I said, 'My name is Lailah and I giggle giggle, laugh laugh, and then whineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Do you want some cheese to go with that whine !!??!' All while tickling her.
So she goes, are you saying wine like - the drink?
I said, surprised that she got the whine/wine difference in how it was said, 'Yeah, because that's what you're doing, whinnningggggg.'
And so she comes back with, 'You go to the bar to do that !!'
Me : Lai can you go get me a plastic bag?
Lai: of course Me: you know where they are right?
Lai: I live in this house! How would you expect me to not even know where they are?!
So leaving my moms house Lailah was mad at me for having to leave, even though we been there since noon. So she storms off and I was right behind her and she opens the gate - walks through it, then shuts it on me with a grin on her face thinking her attitude is cute.
She then gets in the car huffing and puffing and slams the door.
So when I got in the car I say simply, 'Bed'. She starts wailing, "NOOOOOO!!! I don't want to go to bed!" x10 Then switching it to, "I don't want to go to beddd!" x10
Then I told her she could whine all she wanted but that her consequence wasn't going to change.
So she then changed it to, "But I don't want to go to bed though!!" x10 times. By then we got home and went into the house.
She went over, threw herself onto her bed without me mentioning it, and passed out in under 5 minutes.
To Justin about the baby:
"If it's a girl - I will change it. But if it's a boy - don't plan on me changing it!"
LOL ! She actually said this. "don't plan on it"
LOL Lailah - "I need to learn my letters quick. Because soon BOOM, I'm going to be going to school!"
I have the sweetest, most thoughtful little girl, ever. So, Lailah and I were having a conversation about life and stuff, what she likes to do most out of the things that we do, what else she would like, or things she really doesn't care for much and could change or get rid of.
Then she said, "What I would really like is for us to get our own home so that we aren't all squished together and you'd have more room to put your things and me to put my toys."
So I thoughts about it feeling guilty and kind of sad and responded, "Mommy's working towards that but it costs a lot of money to do that right now. Mommy works but she doesn't make that much money right now. She's finishing school to make more money."
So she responded, "Well, then what if you just brought me to the park and that's it? You don't have to take me to a whole bunch of other places.. just the park and that's it. Then that way, you could save some money and we could get that house?"
Willing to sacrifice all the things that we do that requires money. Even though she really enjoys them. If we could all just remember what it's like to be a child again.
Lailah was sleeping in the car when all of a sudden in her sleep she said, "I'm behind the phone." I asked Justin what she said and he repeated it.
Then she woke up and I asked her if she knew what she said.. she said
"I was behind the phone.. taking pictures."
I asked her, "where?"
She replied, "In my sleep." LOL !!!!
Lai : Why are you watching this again?
Me : Cuz I miss Bennett.
Lai : I want to watch it too with you ! *watching and we see the first ultrasound pic of Bennett*
Lai : Pause it !!! *I pause the video on the ultrasound photo*
Lai : Now tell me.. where is his head and everything?
Me : Well, this is his head and his belly, then his little hands, he doesn't really have feet yet or much developed at this point..
Lai : WHAT !!! That means you have to ALWAYS hold him, if he doesn't have feets !
Me : Well, he was in my belly still, he was only this big *uses fingers to show a couple inches*.
Lai : WHAT? Well, where did his feet come from?
Me : I made them... in my belly, I helped them grow, inside of me.
Lai : WHAT?!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE BABIES INSIDE OF YOU!!
Me : yeah, I do... where do you think you came from? Daddy and I made you a long time ago and I let you grow in my belly.
Lai : NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT ! You can NOT make babies inside of your belly ! Nobody does that.....
Way back:
Brian- I'm your uncle. Lailah - No you're not. Brian - yeah I am, I'm your mommy's brother so that makes me your uncle. Lailah - No ! Brian - Yeah-huh, ask mommy. Lailah - Mommy, Brian says he's my uncle ! Me - He is your uncle, Uncle Brian. Brian - See Lailah. Lailah - No ! No ! ... hahaha Brian Mommy said you're uncleee ! You're unclee.
I have the most adorable daughter, I could ever possibly have. She just gathered her friends up and said, "make a circle!!!" and she held their hands and basically did a ring a round the rosy, but she said "circle circle, we all fall down !" and they call fell down ! hahahha. awhh
"Am I sleeping in your bed tonight or my bed tonight because YOU usually like it when I sleep in YOUR bed."
me: Be careful cuz if you spill my nailpolish I will be mad.
Lai: YOUR nailpolish *laughs
me: Yes... MY nail polish. I paid for it, did you pay for any of it?
lai: No. I don't have any money and I can't get a job because I'm just a kid !
Me : you are driving me nuts !
lai: Nuts?
Me: Yes ! Nuts !
lai: Nuts? Why yes I am......
Brian: Where did you get this Rachael? *patting Lailah on the head*
Lailah: From the petstore.
Haha, my kid.
Lailah: *wearing my stethoscope* How do you been?
Me: I don't been well.
Lailah: Good ! Does that mean you're good?
LOL
Lai: mom where we going after this? Ride around in circles?!
Me: yeah, with you on the roof.
Lai: *laughs - you don't even have tape to do that!
Lol
Today Lailah went to do a car wash for a foundation she's in called "follow your dreams". I was asking her how it went and she told me she washed three cars.
She then said, "And mommy we really were following our dreams!"
I said, "oh yeah? What's your dream?"
She replied "I was helping people! "
Awh I love her!
Earlier we played Skip-Bo with Lailah - with her it takes forever. So she was just whining that she wants to play again. I told her we will play again tomorrow.
So she kept whining, "I want to play again NOW."
So I sung, "You can't always get what you want."
So she sung back, "You can't either because you don't have enough moneeyyyyyyy !!"
-.-
Justin just got home from work and Lailah knows he goes to the bathroom as soon as he gets home so she ran and stood in front of the door.
Lai: Five bucks!
Justin: What? Five bucks?
Lai: In REAL MONEY !
Justin: What?! Do you take credit?
Lai: Nope! Only REAL money !
Justin: I'll give you real money, in tickle money ! *Starts tickling her*
Lai: Now you owe FOUR, SEVENTY BUCKS!
Me: Hun, you shouldn't have tickled her, she's upping the price!
Lai: Okay, I'll go to SEVENTY BUCKS, That's it !
Justin: Jeeze this kid should be a tax collector! LOL
So, I just want to tell everyone how blessed I am to have such a perfect little girl.
The other day she said something that really hurt my feelings. She knew it hurt my feelings too and when she realized it - she just walked out and went into the other room.
So later on... about 15 mins later she came back in and laid on me, hugging me. I told her my feelings were hurt from the things she said to me.
She apologized saying, "I'm sorry" - in a very concerned voice.
I told her how her words made me feel and how words can hurt people.
She told me that she didn't mean it and I told her that I know that but that the words still hurt.
We had a personal conversation about the situation (Which I won't get into). I explained to her my feelings and I asked her about her own feelings so that we could clear it all up and come to a mutual understanding.
When we finished, she apologized again in a very sincere manner.
I then told her how much I love her and how much she means to me and that I can't imagine my life without her in it. That even when she's at her Memere and Papas on weekends I miss her and I feel lost without her because I love her SO much.
She finished it off by hugging me hard and said, "Mommy I love you SOOO much, I love you wholeeee bunches !"
And my heart melted. I said, "I love you MORE !" and she said, "Well, I love you the MOST !" And we hugged it out.
How on Earth did I get blessed with this amazing, understanding, empathetic, bright, beautiful little girl?!
I was just finished reading Lailah her bedtime story when she started whining about having to go to bed. So I said, 'My name is Lailah and I giggle giggle, laugh laugh, and then whineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Do you want some cheese to go with that whine !!??!' All while tickling her.
So she goes, are you saying wine like - the drink?
I said, surprised that she got the whine/wine difference in how it was said, 'Yeah, because that's what you're doing, whinnningggggg.'
And so she comes back with, 'You go to the bar to do that !!'
Me : Lai can you go get me a plastic bag?
Lai: of course Me: you know where they are right?
Lai: I live in this house! How would you expect me to not even know where they are?!
So leaving my moms house Lailah was mad at me for having to leave, even though we been there since noon. So she storms off and I was right behind her and she opens the gate - walks through it, then shuts it on me with a grin on her face thinking her attitude is cute.
She then gets in the car huffing and puffing and slams the door.
So when I got in the car I say simply, 'Bed'. She starts wailing, "NOOOOOO!!! I don't want to go to bed!" x10 Then switching it to, "I don't want to go to beddd!" x10
Then I told her she could whine all she wanted but that her consequence wasn't going to change.
So she then changed it to, "But I don't want to go to bed though!!" x10 times. By then we got home and went into the house.
She went over, threw herself onto her bed without me mentioning it, and passed out in under 5 minutes.
To Justin about the baby:
"If it's a girl - I will change it. But if it's a boy - don't plan on me changing it!"
LOL ! She actually said this. "don't plan on it"
LOL Lailah - "I need to learn my letters quick. Because soon BOOM, I'm going to be going to school!"
I have the sweetest, most thoughtful little girl, ever. So, Lailah and I were having a conversation about life and stuff, what she likes to do most out of the things that we do, what else she would like, or things she really doesn't care for much and could change or get rid of.
Then she said, "What I would really like is for us to get our own home so that we aren't all squished together and you'd have more room to put your things and me to put my toys."
So I thoughts about it feeling guilty and kind of sad and responded, "Mommy's working towards that but it costs a lot of money to do that right now. Mommy works but she doesn't make that much money right now. She's finishing school to make more money."
So she responded, "Well, then what if you just brought me to the park and that's it? You don't have to take me to a whole bunch of other places.. just the park and that's it. Then that way, you could save some money and we could get that house?"
Willing to sacrifice all the things that we do that requires money. Even though she really enjoys them. If we could all just remember what it's like to be a child again.
Lailah was sleeping in the car when all of a sudden in her sleep she said, "I'm behind the phone." I asked Justin what she said and he repeated it.
Then she woke up and I asked her if she knew what she said.. she said
"I was behind the phone.. taking pictures."
I asked her, "where?"
She replied, "In my sleep." LOL !!!!
Lai : Why are you watching this again?
Me : Cuz I miss Bennett.
Lai : I want to watch it too with you ! *watching and we see the first ultrasound pic of Bennett*
Lai : Pause it !!! *I pause the video on the ultrasound photo*
Lai : Now tell me.. where is his head and everything?
Me : Well, this is his head and his belly, then his little hands, he doesn't really have feet yet or much developed at this point..
Lai : WHAT !!! That means you have to ALWAYS hold him, if he doesn't have feets !
Me : Well, he was in my belly still, he was only this big *uses fingers to show a couple inches*.
Lai : WHAT? Well, where did his feet come from?
Me : I made them... in my belly, I helped them grow, inside of me.
Lai : WHAT?!!!! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE BABIES INSIDE OF YOU!!
Me : yeah, I do... where do you think you came from? Daddy and I made you a long time ago and I let you grow in my belly.
Lai : NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT ! You can NOT make babies inside of your belly ! Nobody does that.....
Way back:
Brian- I'm your uncle. Lailah - No you're not. Brian - yeah I am, I'm your mommy's brother so that makes me your uncle. Lailah - No ! Brian - Yeah-huh, ask mommy. Lailah - Mommy, Brian says he's my uncle ! Me - He is your uncle, Uncle Brian. Brian - See Lailah. Lailah - No ! No ! ... hahaha Brian Mommy said you're uncleee ! You're unclee.
I have the most adorable daughter, I could ever possibly have. She just gathered her friends up and said, "make a circle!!!" and she held their hands and basically did a ring a round the rosy, but she said "circle circle, we all fall down !" and they call fell down ! hahahha. awhh
Sweetest little girl.
Today Lailah went to a car wash for a foundation she is in called, "Follow your dreams". It's to help children with anything they need to get somewhere in life. School clothes or supplies, sports, extra curricular activities, etc.
Later today when I asked her how it went she told me it went well and that she washed 3 cars. She then told me, "And mommy we really are following our dreams!"
I said, "Oh yeah? What is your dream?"
She responded, "I was helping people! :D" - all really happy. :)
I have the sweetest little girl!
Then later today I came across a "ear piercing" controversy. Some people feel it's child abuse to pierce a baby's ears. They attack other parents for making the choice to pierce their child's ears. Well, I asked Lailah what she felt and this was her response:
We didn't do much else today. I went to breakfast with Justin and brought him to work and then Lailah and I took a nap. We just ordered some pizza because that's what she wanted for dinner. <3
We were going to go to my moms house but she hasn't been answering her phone.
Later today when I asked her how it went she told me it went well and that she washed 3 cars. She then told me, "And mommy we really are following our dreams!"
I said, "Oh yeah? What is your dream?"
She responded, "I was helping people! :D" - all really happy. :)
I have the sweetest little girl!
Then later today I came across a "ear piercing" controversy. Some people feel it's child abuse to pierce a baby's ears. They attack other parents for making the choice to pierce their child's ears. Well, I asked Lailah what she felt and this was her response:
We didn't do much else today. I went to breakfast with Justin and brought him to work and then Lailah and I took a nap. We just ordered some pizza because that's what she wanted for dinner. <3
We were going to go to my moms house but she hasn't been answering her phone.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Happiness and surviving - birthmom side of triad.
Today wasn't so great. I was depressed and agitated most of the day. I kept trying to ignore it but it was becoming difficult by the end of the day. Especially when Taco Bell messed up my order then after driving back there they argued with me about it for 5 minutes before admitting they were wrong and fucked up. Then I realized I forgot my laptop at my moms and had to go the complete other way to get it, which was totally out of the way. -.- I just feel so stressed out which is making me easily bothered and such. :/
But then I texted Bennett's Amom earlier asking her if she wouldn't mind sending me some pictures. :)
How could it get any more perfect ! See that Elmo he's snuggling !!? I just sent him that. <3 I wrote, 'We love you Bennett, Love Rachael and Lailah' On the feet ! <3
He is a little piece of perfection. A little piece to the puzzle in my life. And although he isn't here with me, he is still a piece to the puzzle that makes up my life. One day I hope to reconnect with him and bond together to become complete again, that is - if he lets me. <3
I want him to know that I will never forget him. I want him to know that I think of him every single day. I want him to know that even though he's far from me he will always be a part of me and in my heart. I want him to know that every single day, I just really want what is best for him. I want him to know that I miss him more than I've ever imagined I could miss someone or something. I want him to know I love him and I can't wait til the day I can hold him in my arms again. <3
Adoption is strange - unnatural some would say. The pain... is something you never 'get over' or 'move on' from. Other who have never experienced may not truly understand this. As a coping mechanism my mind and body have sort of tried 'forgetting'. And although I know it happened, most of the time it doesn't feel real.
So every time I get pictures it feels very surreal.
I look at him and I feel so much joy and happiness at first, I smile and my heart beats really fast and I just get literally - overjoyed by seeing him. That is my initial and probably very natural response. My baby is alive and well !
Next, the longer I stare at the pictures the stranger it becomes because then it's like, Holy shit - I had a baby 2 years ago. How did I have a baby 2 years ago?! Omg I gave birth to this perfect little boy and I know this because he looks just like me. How have I lived without him? Where did these past 2 years go? Have I been 'present' since I've relinquished him or have I fallen asleep? Is this reality?
Then right after - tears brew up in the corners of my eyes and my chest feels heavy. I then know I've hit my limit and that pictures must be tucked away until next time I'm not so 'open' and memories must be shoved to the far corners of my mind. I close back up and I remember - this is how I've gotten by these past 2 years; this is the only way I survive. Without one of my children, simply surviving has got to do.
But then I texted Bennett's Amom earlier asking her if she wouldn't mind sending me some pictures. :)
How could it get any more perfect ! See that Elmo he's snuggling !!? I just sent him that. <3 I wrote, 'We love you Bennett, Love Rachael and Lailah' On the feet ! <3
He is a little piece of perfection. A little piece to the puzzle in my life. And although he isn't here with me, he is still a piece to the puzzle that makes up my life. One day I hope to reconnect with him and bond together to become complete again, that is - if he lets me. <3
I want him to know that I will never forget him. I want him to know that I think of him every single day. I want him to know that even though he's far from me he will always be a part of me and in my heart. I want him to know that every single day, I just really want what is best for him. I want him to know that I miss him more than I've ever imagined I could miss someone or something. I want him to know I love him and I can't wait til the day I can hold him in my arms again. <3
Adoption is strange - unnatural some would say. The pain... is something you never 'get over' or 'move on' from. Other who have never experienced may not truly understand this. As a coping mechanism my mind and body have sort of tried 'forgetting'. And although I know it happened, most of the time it doesn't feel real.
So every time I get pictures it feels very surreal.
I look at him and I feel so much joy and happiness at first, I smile and my heart beats really fast and I just get literally - overjoyed by seeing him. That is my initial and probably very natural response. My baby is alive and well !
Next, the longer I stare at the pictures the stranger it becomes because then it's like, Holy shit - I had a baby 2 years ago. How did I have a baby 2 years ago?! Omg I gave birth to this perfect little boy and I know this because he looks just like me. How have I lived without him? Where did these past 2 years go? Have I been 'present' since I've relinquished him or have I fallen asleep? Is this reality?
Then right after - tears brew up in the corners of my eyes and my chest feels heavy. I then know I've hit my limit and that pictures must be tucked away until next time I'm not so 'open' and memories must be shoved to the far corners of my mind. I close back up and I remember - this is how I've gotten by these past 2 years; this is the only way I survive. Without one of my children, simply surviving has got to do.
The one thing my body can't do.
Today I am feeling emotional and I miss my best friend because I've normally turned to him. Or I want my Justin but he's working until 7:30.
All the same stuff - sinking deeper into depression though. I don't even know what to do anymore. I just know that I can't give up. I have to keep trying or else I will never get anywhere.
Adoption has been making me sad and I want to just close off from it all sometimes, but then I would feel as if I'm giving up on Bennett and I can't even imagine letting myself do that.
I want to cry, I want to let it all pour out. But I can't. I don't cry and even if I did it would appear that I am crying for no reason. What does crying solve anyways? Nothing. It won't change my position, it won't change anything around me at all.
Times like there I wonder why I'm even human at all. I wonder why I was brought here and why I remain here. I wonder what it would be like to leave here and if there is anything else outside of here, outside of this body we call a human.
Depressed? A little bit. But then again, I am trapped within this weak human body. I mean - I love it and all, it does it's job to keep me alive here on Earth. It has worked well, nothing seriously wrong with me and threatening my well being. Others would tell me that it's silly for me to feel this way and that at least I am alive, healthy, well - etc. But truth is - inside I feel like I am dying a little more everyday. My soul, my spirit - it's being tortured and beat from all the surrounding elements of life.
The one thing my body can't seem to do - protect it.
All the same stuff - sinking deeper into depression though. I don't even know what to do anymore. I just know that I can't give up. I have to keep trying or else I will never get anywhere.
Adoption has been making me sad and I want to just close off from it all sometimes, but then I would feel as if I'm giving up on Bennett and I can't even imagine letting myself do that.
I want to cry, I want to let it all pour out. But I can't. I don't cry and even if I did it would appear that I am crying for no reason. What does crying solve anyways? Nothing. It won't change my position, it won't change anything around me at all.
Times like there I wonder why I'm even human at all. I wonder why I was brought here and why I remain here. I wonder what it would be like to leave here and if there is anything else outside of here, outside of this body we call a human.
Depressed? A little bit. But then again, I am trapped within this weak human body. I mean - I love it and all, it does it's job to keep me alive here on Earth. It has worked well, nothing seriously wrong with me and threatening my well being. Others would tell me that it's silly for me to feel this way and that at least I am alive, healthy, well - etc. But truth is - inside I feel like I am dying a little more everyday. My soul, my spirit - it's being tortured and beat from all the surrounding elements of life.
The one thing my body can't seem to do - protect it.
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