Alone.

Not too much going on over here. Just relaxing, helping mom with her daycare, and caring for Lailah. The usual. Justin had yesterday and today off work so that made me very happy.<3 I loved being able to spend more time with him. Plus he spoils me :p He's walking to the ice cream shop down the street to get me and baby a milkshake! He's bringing Lai too since she loves going on little adventures. :)

Something else playing in my mind... I sent this to Tom a couple weeks ago:
I don't know if you're ignoring my texts or if your phone is off. But I want to apologize for freaking out and distancing from you. I wish I could explain so that you could understand what has been going on for me but I can't. And I wish I could know what it's all been like for you, but I guess I can't do that either. I am sorry for everything I've put you through and the pain I've caused you. I know that you hate feeling as if someone holds expectations towards you and I got into the habit of doing that and I'm sorry I made you feel hurt and/or uncomfortable. Bringing you pain was never my intention, you were always my best friend and meant the world to me. I never wanted anything but for you to always be in my life and for us to have each other through this journey of lifelong experiences. I have been missing you, I wouldn't be human if I didn't. You were in my life almost every day for 4 years and I grew attached to you. If we can somehow talk about things I am more receptive to it now that my initial hurt isn't overflowing. But overall, I'd just like to know you're okay.
Then I sent this poem: I wish you’d just tell me
by teradanielle
If there are things that need saying, why not just say them?
Do you think I’m going to turn away and leave you?
That’s not going to happen.
Do you think if you are angry I’m going to fall apart?
Do you think you need to protect my feelings too?
No, I just want the truth.
No need to be mean, no need to be harsh
I do have a heart, although it’s not what it once was 
Be gentle if you can
But even anger is better than nothing
Don’t you know I love you just as you are?
No need for perfection
Please no more silences, don’t leave me to guess.
Each door that slams in my face
feels like another death
If you are angry, I say “you should be”
If you’re not, that’s okay too
Is it alright that I am?  
Would you think less of me then?
All I want is to bridge this gap
You are my family, my heart
Tell me what do you need, what can I do?
If I could I’d heal this wound
for me and for you

He saw it last Weds but completely ignored my attempts. When I first noticed he seen it I was on my way to physical therapy and wanted to break down crying, but I didn't. I wanted to drown in the pain I was feeling but I felt I couldn't. I felt so sad and abandoned. I know that he probably felt abandoned by me but I told him that I would always come back, Always. He told me he would always be there, Always. He lied, I held up my side of the deal. I was truthful, he was not. And because of that - I am hurt. I am angry too but mostly hurt. I feel that the past 4 years have been a lie. I don't know what his motive was but I just feel lied to and hurt like I never meant anything to him, that our friendship was nothing. I wish I could just know but he won't talk to me. I feel like my whole life everyone has left me. And that the only people who have stayed and are still here are people who have always been deemed unhealthy for me. How are they so unhealthy if they're the only people still standing around me when I feel so alone? I fear the day Justin will leave me, that he will realize that I'm worthless and pathetic and that he can have and deserves so much more than me and what I could offer him as a person. I fear that one day he'll wake up just as Scott did and tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and that I mean nothing. I fear that one day I'll get upset and push him away as I do with my stupid defense mechanism, when I need him the most - and he'll walk away and won't even care to look back. I fear the day I am alone. Alone, with nobody around me but the voices in my head. Alone, with nothing but the sound of the cars passing by, filled with people who have a life that involves other people. Alone. On my own. People may remind me I have Lailah and this new baby and that maybe they will be there or maybe they will visit. But I am hoping that if I do a good enough job as their mother that they will embark into life on a journey to be the best people they can be. College, Peace Corps, getting the hell out of this small state, - whatever. That they will create families of their own and make something of themselves. That they won't be held down by pains of their pasts and they'll be free - free to take flight and leave the nest, which is home with me. I can't hold them back because of my selfishness or my own self-pity. I need them to be free and to be happy, even if that's not with me. Don't get me wrong, I love them to death and I want them in my life - but I also want them to be happy and free within their own lives and able to make their own choices.