Adoption Crossroads BBQ

Today Justin and I drove down to a BBQ in NY. It was almost a 3 hr drive. At first I was really nervous to go and even when I got the the house, I was petrified to go up to the backyard where the BBQ was held.
But I'm glad I did. I'm so glad that I went. We met wonderful people there and it was great. I had fun and it was also helpful for me talking to people who can understand and be comforting.
Joe was at the BBQ and so was a woman named Victoria who goes to chats with us. There was another woman there - another natural mother. It was really nice. I enjoyed my time there - which was about 5 hours !
We talked about some adoption things and some off topic, random things. I talked about Lailah too. :)

During the time I was there though I was triggered to cry - which I would NOT let myself do in front of people. I ended up having to look the other way and distract my mind by folding a paper towel and keeping my hands busy. I was triggered after asking Joe about the trauma I've suffered by losing my son. I was talking about how recently old fears (mostly fear of the dark) has been resurfacing and about how I've been feeling this fear of losing myself - like I'm 'fading out' and that I'll wake back up and I'd have messed something up and something terrible happened.
Joe explained that trauma is probably causing the resurfacing of the fear of the dark fear. He also explained that the reason I probably feel as if I'm going to lose myself, black out, act out, come back, and something bad will have happened is because - that's pretty much exactly what had already happened and when I came back - I had lost my child, my baby, my son.
During this he noticed I was distracting my mind by using the paper towel in my hands and asked me why I did that and if I was okay. I explained that I was trying to distract my mind. When he asked me what emotion was behind the energy of playing with the paper towel - I felt all my pain and sadness creep in. I couldn't let them see me fall apart though. I couldn't let them see inside of me and all the pain I hold within.
Why? Idk? Past conditioning? It makes me feel weak. I know that it truly doesn't make me weak at all but I guess it's something I was taught that I need to now unteach myself. Something I will need to work on.

Overall? Good day - although Lailah is camping with her Memere and Papa and I miss her so much ! <3